I like to help those who are new to discipline in marriage, and encourage others to try it. One of the first questions a man may have in beginning to discipline his wife, is where to start with rules for the home. What rules should he make? It is easy to get into a trap of writing long lists of them. Yet at the same time, principles such as punishing disobedience and disrespect can be fairly vague, and offer he minimal guidance. He may also end up with a loose hold on the reigns this way. While I’m not a fan of long lists of rules, I do believe in being clear, and setting standards which your woman will live with regularly. She may follow your standards very well, and rarely end up spanked, but they will keep her learning from you and under your clear tutelage and oversight. That’s the main purpose anyway. Three standards that I recommend beginning with are language, dress, and time.
Remember, we’re not looking for an excuse to give a spanking. Rather, we’re beginning to get both man and wife established in leading and following. That’s at the core of marriage. We’re looking to set standards that will be helpful and good for the home, and also help the wife be a godly woman. Having some clear rules help a woman get into practice with following her man’s instructions, and seeking to please him. It gives the man practice in taking the reigns of his wife and the home. There is a deep give and take between man and wife as rules are established. He gives his concern and attention to his beloved bride. She gives her conscientious obedience to her husband. She receives the care and protection she needs. The husband receives his wife’s beautiful obedience, and a peaceful home to return to each day. That is really what is going on at the core. Spankings are only there to bring her back into line.
You can get her started by making sure she keeps standards for her speech. Keeping the tongue in check is part and parcel of keeping our whole behavior in check. If we can do one we can usually do the other. I don’t suggest you insist she speak like a Victorian lady, but to set a godly standard for her speech, you should make sure it is clean of vulgarity, lewdness, or profanity of any kind. As a spanking husband, this is not something I need to spank my wife for, since she is lovely in speech. However, in a popular culture literally flooded with vulgarities, and many children hearing them regularly from their parents, learning clean speech can be a battle for a woman. She needs to know clearly it is wrong. She needs to know the right and pure way to speak, and why it is good.
I suspect that a new wife, who has been connected to this culture, may need regular spankings to assist her in learning pure speech. Expect her to need firm correction on your part. She needs to know clearly there will be no bad language. I and others also recommend washing her mouth out with soap, as an appropriate message to a woman with a dirty mouth. Mouth soaping is very undesirable, and no one would want to repeat it. Guiding her in her words helps her be a virtuous woman, which ought to be your aim. It will also keep your home clean, and keep your children from being polluted by their very own mother. Setting standards of speech is very personal for your woman as well. Your woman learns to walk within your guidelines in a personal, intimate, daily part of her life — her words. She learns by your godly teaching to be restrained in something so close it comes from within her. Your guidance to your wife, in this way and others, touches her within and without her being.
A new wife should also learn soon to follow your standards with her dress. She thinks about what you desire, and what you command when she goes to the store to find apparel, and when she dresses every morning. Her mind is tuned close to your words and your desire. In my home and many like it, the dress standards fit a basic idea of modesty, and for women, feminine attire. I do not have many rules, but modesty, simplicity, and dresses for women are enough to set the mold. My wife has known this for many years, and as the standard has slightly evolved with time, she has learned to adapt as well. Naturally, you bump into many questions about whether this or that actually fits the standards, and honest mistakes will occur. I would only punish for real negligence or disobedience when it comes to dress, since some decisions are too subjective in choosing clothes. I have only spanked my wife for an infraction regarding dress when she ignored my instructions for our children’s dress. This came after reminders by me as well, so that she knew it was well earned. I don’t think she has found it difficult to conform to my will in this area. It requires some communication, and some care in choosing apparel, but she does very well.
Like learning to follow her husband in her language, dress allows her to follow her husband in an aspect very personal to her, so personal it touches her every day. It also projects her, and communicates her to the world, as our dress always does. What a profound and rich arena to learn submission. Apparel also helps her grow as a woman of virtue, as language does. Modest apparel reflects her modest heart, her gentleness, her humility. As a woman, and as a Christian, it should be an outward picture of what is within. We live in a world where countless women, many of them married, think nothing of flashing their flesh for the world to see, looking like they are selling sex, or at least showing themselves off like a model might do. They’re trying to be a diva and it’s vain. None of this would be possible if fathers and husbands did not allow it. The explosion of carnality and sexuality in public is ultimately in the hands of irresponsible men. They didn’t do their jobs. Reining in your wives has a REAL effect on society for the good. It’s not a game. Keep them doing what they should be doing, and much evil will disappear.
Lead your wife also in being responsible with time. That means mostly that she learns to be punctual, and to call if anything unexpected will cause her to be late. This is such a common situation, that a new wife will begin to grasp what it means to be answerable to her husband very quickly. A new husband will need to give immediate attention to oversight of his wife. While rules about time need not be perfectionist, it is normal to expect a wife to be punctual, and not be more than a few minutes late. My wife had grown up without much expectation of that. She could show up late and think nothing of it. One of the first things I did was tell her this was unacceptable. When she began repeating the behavior, I gave her a spanking each time and she soon learned to regret it. I hardly ever see this behavior from her anymore. Learning to be responsible with time is not as deeply personal as language or dress, but it is very regular, and lets her think about your expectations daily, if not more often. She is aware of your authority as she plans her day, goes from place to place, returns home. Like with her language, keeping her punctual may require a number of spankings early on, as she learns to be responsible, and answerable to you. Later, you should expect them to drop off. It is not a hard lesson to learn, and is a simple practice.
Any woman can stray. It is a part of the woman’s fallen nature. The best of women have a rebellious stripe, and the most virtuous can be clouded by emotion. Leading your wife will take your thought, strength, and regular attention. While it might seem overwhelming when you are new, I believe the three standards I’ve just discussed — language, dress, and time — provide a strong starting point for guiding her. They teach you to be a diligent leader. They are also a blessing to her, as she learns her footsteps in following you, and allows her soul to be soft to you. I naturally don’t recommend you use them exclusively, since rulership is broader than that. You will find other areas you need to guide her in practically and spiritually. Bold disobedience has to be punished as well. Yet these three will help you get into practice; they teach you the steps and the interaction you should have, and will certainly require you spank her when needed. Begin shaping your wife, guiding her soul, making her more virtuous. Your home will make the world a better place.
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