Getting Started: Three Early Rules

I like to help those who are new to discipline in marriage, and encourage others to try it. One of the first questions a man may have in beginning to discipline his wife, is where to start with rules for the home. What rules should he make? It is easy to get into a trap of writing long lists of them. Yet at the same time, principles such as punishing disobedience and disrespect can be fairly vague, and offer he minimal guidance. He may also end up with a loose hold on the reigns this way. While I’m not a fan of long lists of rules, I do believe in being clear, and setting standards which your woman will live with regularly. She may follow your standards very well, and rarely end up spanked, but they will keep her learning from you and under your clear tutelage and oversight. That’s the main purpose anyway. Three standards that I recommend beginning with are language, dress, and time. 

Remember, we’re not looking for an excuse to give a spanking. Rather, we’re beginning to get both man and wife established in leading and following. That’s at the core of marriage. We’re looking to set standards that will be helpful and good for the home, and also help the wife be a godly woman. Having some clear rules help a woman get into practice with following her man’s instructions, and seeking to please him. It gives the man practice in taking the reigns of his wife and the home. There is a deep give and take between man and wife as rules are established. He gives his concern and attention to his beloved bride. She gives her conscientious obedience to her husband. She receives the care and protection she needs. The husband receives his wife’s beautiful obedience, and a peaceful home to return to each day. That is really what is going on at the core. Spankings are only there to bring her back into line.

You can get her started by making sure she keeps standards for her speech. Keeping the tongue in check is part and parcel of keeping our whole behavior in check. If we can do one we can usually do the other. I don’t suggest you insist she speak like a Victorian lady, but to set a godly standard for her speech, you should make sure it is clean of vulgarity, lewdness, or profanity of any kind. As a spanking husband, this is not something I need to spank my wife for, since she is lovely in speech. However, in a popular culture literally flooded with vulgarities, and many children hearing them regularly from their parents, learning clean speech can be a battle for a woman. She needs to know clearly it is wrong. She needs to know the right and pure way to speak, and why it is good.

I suspect that a new wife, who has been connected to this culture, may need regular spankings to assist her in learning pure speech. Expect her to need firm correction on your part. She needs to know clearly there will be no bad language. I and others also recommend washing her mouth out with soap, as an appropriate message to a woman with a dirty mouth. Mouth soaping is very undesirable, and no one would want to repeat it. Guiding her in her words helps her be a virtuous woman, which ought to be your aim. It will also keep your home clean, and keep your children from being polluted by their very own mother. Setting standards of speech is very personal for your woman as well. Your woman learns to walk within your guidelines in a personal, intimate, daily part of her life — her words. She learns by your godly teaching to be restrained in something so close it comes from within her. Your guidance to your wife, in this way and others, touches her within and without her being.

A new wife should also learn soon to follow your standards with her dress. She thinks about what you desire, and what you command when she goes to the store to find apparel, and when she dresses every morning. Her mind is tuned close to your words and your desire. In my home and many like it, the dress standards fit a basic idea of modesty, and for women, feminine attire. I do not have many rules, but modesty, simplicity, and dresses for women are enough to set the mold. My wife has known this for many years, and as the standard has slightly evolved with time, she has learned to adapt as well. Naturally, you bump into many questions about whether this or that actually fits the standards, and honest mistakes will occur. I would only punish for real negligence or disobedience when it comes to dress, since some decisions are too subjective in choosing clothes. I have only spanked my wife for an infraction regarding dress when she ignored my instructions for our children’s dress. This came after reminders by me as well, so that she knew it was well earned. I don’t think she has found it difficult to conform to my will in this area. It requires some communication, and some care in choosing apparel, but she does very well.

Like learning to follow her husband in her language, dress allows her to follow her husband in an aspect very personal to her, so personal it touches her every day. It also projects her, and communicates her to the world, as our dress always does. What a profound and rich arena to learn submission. Apparel also helps her grow as a woman of virtue, as language does. Modest apparel reflects her modest heart, her gentleness, her humility. As a woman, and as a Christian, it should be an outward picture of what is within. We live in a world where countless women, many of them married, think nothing of flashing their flesh for the world to see, looking like they are selling sex, or at least showing themselves off like a model might do. They’re trying to be a diva and it’s vain. None of this would be possible if fathers and husbands did not allow it. The explosion of carnality and sexuality in public is ultimately in the hands of irresponsible men. They didn’t do their jobs. Reining in your wives has a REAL effect on society for the good. It’s not a game. Keep them doing what they should be doing, and much evil will disappear.

Lead your wife also in being responsible with time. That means mostly that she learns to be punctual, and to call if anything unexpected will cause her to be late. This is such a common situation, that a new wife will begin to grasp what it means to be answerable to her husband very quickly. A new husband will need to give immediate attention to oversight of his wife. While rules about time need not be perfectionist, it is normal to expect a wife to be punctual, and not be more than a few minutes late. My wife had grown up without much expectation of that. She could show up late and think nothing of it. One of the first things I did was tell her this was unacceptable. When she began repeating the behavior, I gave her a spanking each time and she soon learned to regret it. I hardly ever see this behavior from her anymore. Learning to be responsible with time is not as deeply personal as language or dress, but it is very regular, and lets her think about your expectations daily, if not more often. She is aware of your authority as she plans her day, goes from place to place, returns home. Like with her language, keeping her punctual may require a number of spankings early on, as she learns to be responsible, and answerable to you. Later, you should expect them to drop off. It is not a hard lesson to learn, and is a simple practice.

Any woman can stray. It is a part of the woman’s fallen nature. The best of women have a rebellious stripe, and the most virtuous can be clouded by emotion. Leading your wife will take your thought, strength, and regular attention. While it might seem overwhelming when you are new, I believe the three standards I’ve just discussed — language, dress, and time — provide a strong starting point for guiding her. They teach you to be a diligent leader. They are also a blessing to her, as she learns her footsteps in following you, and allows her soul to be soft to you. I naturally don’t recommend you use them exclusively, since rulership is broader than that. You will find other areas you need to guide her in practically and spiritually. Bold disobedience has to be punished as well. Yet these three will help you get into practice; they teach you the steps and the interaction you should have, and will certainly require you spank her when needed. Begin shaping your wife, guiding her soul, making her more virtuous. Your home will make the world a better place.


48 responses to “Getting Started: Three Early Rules”

  1. This is wonderful advice for young people today. But I believe young and old alike are looking for this kind of help to have and keep a good marriage. I know from experience that spanking is a most excellent “tool” for a husband to use with his wife. Thank you Aron, this is a needed site and an encouragement to me.

    1. You’re welcome. I hope this site continues to be a valuable resource to you. Be blessed.

      1. I think its dumb. My husband has spanked me a few times for some behaviors, I admit wasn’t my best, but I can tell you I fought every minute of it and now am seeking my revenge to be a pain in his ass and hide his stuff to teach him, that he can’t spank me and get away with it

        1. If that is the case, you can expect more misery and conflict in your marriage. You should learn your lesson instead, and you will see the benefits for all of you. Your man is rightfully in charge, and it should be your aim to help him.

  2. […] the Word of God, so a husband loves His chosen wife, washing her in Scripture, prayer, worship, and moral leadership. He helps her to grow as as woman of God. She grows in holiness, and in her godly femininity. The […]

  3. […] a variety of situations. The first, and most obvious, would be when one or both of the partners are new to their role as head and helper, or new to discipline. Giving and receiving spankings may seem awkward to them. […]

  4. […] and accepts it, he also needs to start putting it into practice. As I’ve said, he will start setting rules and standards of the home. Naturally, some of those will apply directly to his beloved wife, others […]

  5. […] of rules or infractions. I know that some do. I think that simple common sense will allow even the beginner to work with a handful of good standards, and enforce them successfully. Over time you may become […]

  6. Good advice especially for folks just starting this CDD journey and good reminder for us older folks. Your writings seem to encourage me to be better today than I was yesterday for my Lord Jesus Christ and my Wonderful Husband.


    1. I am very honored Nic. That’s truly the most I could hope for. Praise God.

  7. I can’t know exactly what is going with Scout, but her comments suggest a common issue with discipline of the wife in a Christian home, her punishment is inadequate. A proper correction results in the situation where the wife greatly fears a repeat of the spanking. A Christian wife must come to fear her husband’s correction otherwise the punishment has no purpose. .

    1. Bob, was thinking about your post.

      I have done studies on my responsibility as a submissive Godly wife….actually it is ongoing, I can always get better. Some studies say that in Ephesians a wife is to respect or reverense her husband and those words can be translated in Hebrew to fear or in Awe. Sometimes I will look at my husbands masculinity “in awe”. There is always an underlying feeling of ” fear” that if I disrespect my husband (there are many ways to disrespect), that he will use that masculinity that I admire to turn me over his knee and with that strength, cause pain to my butt that will last for days. The fear is palpable when I know I have crossed the line and I am going to be punished.

      I think you may be correct or at least something that married CDD couple can think about. Do you really look up to your husband in Awe? Do you respect/fear his hand, paddle, strap enough to stay out of trouble? Fear God enough to show your husband reverence and not “pay back”. Husbands are put in position of authority over the wife by God. It is the mature Christian thing to do. At the very least until the husband learns how to punish his wife in a manor that the wife fears to re-visit.


  8. As a woman, I much prefer my husband giving me specific rules and lists of things he wants me to do. It’s less ambiguous and I don’t have to guess.

  9. Since my wife was brought up in a home where proper gender roles were enforced by her father by use of a strap if necessary, establishing rules for my wife was straightforward. Later in our marriage I added a strict dress code, most of her clothes are purchased at Modest Apparel USA. My wife never worked outside the home except for church volunteer work. I expected an immaculate home, A dirty bathroom when I came home from work usually meant some quality time with the strap and her cleaning the bathroom with a very red behind on display before her corner time. If it were just a slip in standards, I would counsel her, and she would only be spanked for persistent failures to meet the standards I set. Dinner was required to be on time, within reason. Unless it was her time of month, she was nor permitted underwear, now never, and she is required to remove all pubic and leg hair which she can do as needed at bath time. Around the house, or on picnics etc., she is permitted comfortable loose-fitting culottes and blouse. At Church or when visiting or receiving visitors either a dress or skirt and blouse is required. As her mother had, she has a bath and bedtime, my father-in-law suggested this helps by setting a healthy routine while enforcing obedience and submission. This was also beneficial because those times when our married children and family stayed over, it afforded a time for the men to have, uninterrupted, the kind of conversations the women were not interested in since children and wives were tucked into bed. Since my wife was required to make a full breakfast every morning getting used to being in bed early was helpful. She usually had no trouble falling asleep by her bedtime.

    1. It’s great to hear about these rules. I would like to follow some of these as well specifically the one where no underwear is permitted. I will be letting my sir know. Thank you sir Bob

  10. Nicole, I suspect that many husbands, especially newlywed husbands fail to provide sufficient consequences when a wife has earned a punishment. One of our son in laws was having behavior problems with his wife, our youngest daughter. She had a surly attitude rather than being outright disobedient. He found himself punishing her too often and with not enough result, at least with correcting her attitude. What was going on became clear when I was present when he was forced to spank her. He went through the proper motions, she was undressed completely and punished with his strap, but her reaction was not fear, she was surly and resented her punishment. She did not fear her punishment because he was unwilling or unable to apply the strap with adequate determination Now when Jane knows she is to be corrected there is often a lot of begging to be given another chance and her saying things like “let me explain, please sir let me explain”, she is clearly desperate to avoid being spanked. But as a Christian head of household, I am tasked with administering needed correction, I am required to insure there is adequate consequences for misbehavior or the misbehavior will only increase. I counseled him about the need for her punishment to be something she did not want to repeat, and after some additional instruction he learned the proper way to correct her. It worked very well, her surly attitude is gone, and she has become the submissive and obedient wife she was raised to be.

  11. Respectfully, how is a wife being completely naked for discipline in front of anyone other than her husband righteous?

    1. Agreed, Mia. That’s totally inappropriate, and a violation of the intimacy of the marriage. It is only for husband and wife.

  12. Mia I would suggest the same argument could be made about spanking a wife in the first place by some. I do appreciate the tone of your criticism , that is much to your credit

  13. Thank you, my husband wants everything private and I follow his lead. He trusts and likes that I read this site as it provides encouragement for me in this area of our lives. It does seem though, that we are in agreement in most others areas.

  14. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

    I like and respect that you follow your husband on privacy. I think it is wonderful that he approves you reading on this site. I have so much to learn and want to learn to be a better wife to my husband.

  15. […] ones. She will need to be submissive, respectful, and honest with her husband. She needs to follow basic standards the man has made for the home; this could be standards of dress, clean language, and punctuality. […]

  16. […] his full embrace of marital discipline, not just a partial one. He will need to learn how to best use rules, and when to spank. He will learn the self-discipline to be firm with his wife and to spank hard. […]

  17. lesleyderby Avatar

    One of the rules my husband has insisted on since we married is that all hair is removed and kept smooth from the neck downwards, I find having my pubic region shaven is quite humiliating but undertand I must be obedient to the wishes of my husband and the rules he sets in my submission.
    Is this something that is a common rule within a dd marriage?

    1. Hello Lesley, Thanks for your question. I have heard from more than a few couples with similar rules. Hair removal seems to establish a level of very personal control. However, I do not do that, as I respect hair as a natural part of a woman’s body which God put there. Also, seeing the time and gradually money that gets put into hair removal, it doesn’t seem worth it for a small matter of taste. Women are not made to be hairless.

  18. Heather Avatar

    Hi Aron!

    It seems like our household rules are starting most pronouncedly with rules about speech. Modesty has never really been an issue here, and being on time is not something my husband at this point has much issue with me on. But we are both learning that much needs to change in regards to speech.

    Of your three suggested rules, my husband most readily as soon as he knew I was now accepting his leadership, laid down the no profanity rule. I never really use profanity except when I specifically wanted to disrespect him, and then I used it aplenty in anger just to communicate disrespect. That now belongs to the dustbin of our past, to inaugurate our new future on this he thoroughly whooped me on this matter for all my past defiance, and made it clear that I will never use profanity again with him, ever. I agree with his judgment, and I agree this will never happen again.

    Also, you told me sometime last week that as I set my heart to fear the lord and obey my husband that the Lord would continue to sensitize my heart to ways that I am not in a right order with my hubs. He (God) is doing that, I think.

    As you can tell probably from my postings I like to talk a lot and have a lot of thoughts and a lot of things to say about anything. For the most part my husband values this, and mostly he likes to hear from me. But like anything, this can be out of order I am now realizing. Never in a million years would I have ever thought to embrace the idea that there is virtue in learning to be quiet. I have spent a whole lifetime embracing the virtue of expressing oneself, and I think there is good in that but, it is time for me to learn the other side of the coin because while it is never talked about in my circles, I am now realizing that silence and quietness is at times an important aspect of Biblical femininity and of submission in general.

    We were in the grocery store the other day to pick up a few things, again I noticed that every single time he said a single thing, I always had an alternative viewpoint that I thought I was being helpful to share with him. Like if he would say let’s go down this aisle I would say well why don’t we go down this aisle first. If he would say let’s get two bottles of this I would say are you sure that’s enough and you don’t want more? If he would say I don’t think we need to get any blah blah on this trip I would say, yes but we might not want to come back next week so maybe we should get some anyway.

    None of these things are wrong. And if it was a limited degree it would actually be helpful I think and it would be me lending my thoughts and intelligence to helping him. But I am realizing that I do it nonstop, it just never ends. It is a continual litany of in essence me second-guessing absolutely everything he says under the veneer of being helpful, it is one thing for me to add a helpful thought here and there and it is another thing for me to consistently display that in every regard I think I always know something better than him. At some point I turned to him and realizing all this said, “I can be really exhausting to be around can’t I?” I just realized for the very first time how annoying I can be.

    Anyway, I’m sure nothing will go terribly wrong if I don’t constantly tell him some little tweak about each and every instruction or decision he wants to make as we go through life. If we end up not having enough of some thing we should have picked up at the store it is a small price to pay for me to learn to dial this back a bit I think.

    Coming out of the store I realized that I’ve been aware of this off and on in several situations and I don’t know how to break myself of it. It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps it would be best if I just let him know when we go into a situation like this that I am volunteering to be silent unless spoken to… unless he asks my view or opinion on something. I think long-term that would be overboard because he would be deprived of input that could be important, but in the short term, it might be an important training tool to accept being silent at times unless spoken to for me to more judiciously pick what is worth saying so I am not continually correcting his every word and move and putting my leadership over his.

    I have also offered to him and he has agreed that he has the right to tell me to be silent anytime and I must abide by it. I am often very chatty when he wants to go to sleep, so twice now he has told me at night that it is time to be silent, and I understand now that I must obey and conform to his wishes so he is not tired at work the next day, which formerly I just ran right over any concern for this.

    In the past we would have big arguments and at some point he would say he wanted me to drop it. (I’m talking something well beyond simple attempts by me to take control in a store, but bigger arguments we would have in the car discussing things.) Then I would become furious that he wasn’t willing to hear me out more. And I would feel walked on that he was daring to tell me he had heard enough. And I would fly into a rage and curse at him for trying to silence me. I now acknowledge that there is no place for me to argue with him anyway. If he says something I disagree with, I am learning I need to submissively ask to express my contradictory viewpoint, and if he wants to hear it I can submit it to him. And whether he wants to hear it or in the unlikely event he tells me he doesn’t want to hear it, either way that is where my disagreement with him ends, and his decision and his viewpoint remain. There is one time he quickly reminded me of this by saying simply, “don’t argue,” which was a quick and important reminder to me in the moment that I was sliding out from under him. But where I formerly in times past raged and demanded to be heard, I now accept that he always has the unequivocal right to require me to give him silence, and this is not him being unkind, but simply me allowing him his due authority to bring order to my soul. Never in a million years would I have thought that I would want to embrace not being allowed to be heard or argue my side of something, but it feels so incredibly sweet to me now to subjugate myself under him and be ready to accept whenever he feels he has heard me thoroughly enough, and that I would feel blessed with his leadership and authority over me when he chooses the exact opposite decision in a matter of what I would want him to choose. It feels good to know my place, to be able to say your will not mine, and to embrace that even his words are more important than mine. I am amazed now at the importance that I attached to my own words and to being heard; I don’t want to paint my husband as some sort of an ogre who never wants to hear from me because honestly he usually always wants to hear from me. But allowing him to put limits on how I get to speak in my ever incessant need to speak, I suddenly find that I am craving to not always be heard, as there are better rewards to be had.

    1. Hello Heather, I think that rule will help you, as well learning to respect the value of silence. There are new and challenging changes going on. Being silent for your husband is typically not an absolute silence, but a matter of making sure your speech is helpful to him, letting him speak, not interrupting, and giving him silence if he desires it. It doesn’t require never offering helpful advise. Going this course will help you learn about yourself, and control your speech better, as you learn to be more submissive. It goes against the grain it seems for you, but that teaches self control. That will serve you in many ways. It will help you to serve your husband.

    2. I think an important part of wife’s training is training them to mostly be seen and not heard. A wife should never try to join a conversation men are having. On social occasions it’s fine that Jane chat with the other wives but in the presence of men I expect her to be mostly silent though she may ask permission to say something. If she must interrupt a conversation like announcing dinner is ready I expect it to start with excuse me sir. When I first met Jane’s family I was amazed how deferential Jane’s mother was to me. I was many years younger than her but she always spoke to me very respectfully.

      1. Hi Bob,
        We don’t believe in that sort of thing. Jesus modeled healthy friendship with women, he sent women to announce to his disciples he had risen, and even in the book of Acts it seems that many times women were part of the mix, Philip had daughters that prophesied, and Priscilla helped Aquilla minister to their house guest Apollos. Paul mentioned numerous women as being important to his travels and ministry. Men might be appointed to leadership roles but not every conversation between men is a “leadership” meeting. Paul said to Timothy to treat women as sisters; the brother and sister relationship in the middle east is a very close relationship, so telling him to treat women as sisters was not relegating women to be at a distance but rather bringing them into close friendship, albeit pure and clean without a “hint of lust.”
        At least, that’s how we believe. It would be strange for us to separate men and women to not having fellowship with each other when casually visiting each others’ homes. Submission to one’s husband is valuable, but why would a woman need to avoid conversation with family friends in her home, of any gender? Women are to submit to their “own” husbands, but other men, they are brothers. There’s no reason to be kept from having conversation with one’s own brothers, at least that would be our understanding over in this neck of the woods.

        1. Heather, I don’t forbid Jane talking husbands in a social setting, I just require her to be respectful. I also think she needs to understand that as a woman she should not ever argue with any head of household, and I do expect her to witness her obedience and submission in any social setting. This does not mean I am rude to her or condone anyone else being rude to her. Your husband, I hope, sets the rules for you and as long as you obey him its fine. But you should understand, it’s your husband that sets the rules not you and if he agreed with me here and made these your rules you have no option other than obedience or consequences.

          1. Hi Bob,
            You are right that my husband sets the rules for me. And ever since we found this blog in August if I don’t obey those rules, he will punish me. Last night as I posted that reply to you, I first read it to him and asked if he approved, and he nodded enthusiastically and told me to send it. 😉 (Side note, why does everyone always think that when I write a comment I’m writing it without my husband’s headship involved?)

            I will tell you a story though. I first became a Christian at about the age of 12, and I was the only Christian in my family. My step dad was an alcoholic and he was prone to violence. My mother and I lived in terror of him, and he had sent my mother to the hospital with broken bones where she needed surgery to put her body back together. I know firsthand what real ugliness can look like in an HOH.

            Right after I meet the Lord, I quickly made a best friend my age who was raised in a Christian household. She was terrified of her father. Her mother was terrified of her father. I spent enough time at her house that I started to become terrified of her father. He was a mean and angry man, who got upset at everything and nothing in particular. This family went to a very tight-knit church where everybody knew each other, and this family had a work project where the entire church was spending several weekends over at their house helping this father with that project.

            This HOH acted the exact same way towards his children and family in the presence of everyone in that church that he did alone with his family. He was ill-tempered, demanding, unforgiving, wrathful, in short I never could see anything about this man that resembled anything that one would recognize as one who is an example of Christ. He seemed exactly like my step dad and my step dad was not a follower of Jesus.

            At the conclusion of the project, my friend’s family was moving and we were having a goodbye party for them with the whole church at someones house. I was 14 years old and I had been praying a long time that the leaders would talk to this man about the terror that he was to his family. I could not understand why the elders of our church allowed him to sin blatantly against his wife and children in front of all of us. I don’t know where it’s written in Scripture that men can do whatever they want and other men shouldn’t talk to them about it, particularly leaders of the assembly. But that’s what I was watching.

            Anyway at the send-off party I was preparing to leave and the father said goodbye to me and I sheepishly said goodbye and said “maybe lighten up a little bit?” I wasn’t trying to start anything, it’s just that it was going to be the last time I saw him and I was so burdened about the whole situation that it just kind of came out like that. I was terrified of the man, I was trying to say something rather innocuous that maybe would plant a seed or something. Instead he looked at me and said tersely, “What do you mean!!?”

            It took all the courage that I had as a 14 year old, to speak truth to him. As commonly as I could without any anger, I just simply put the facts out for him, “You remind me of my stepfather but he wasn’t a Christian and you are and I don’t understand why you are like that. Everyone is afraid of you.”

            And unfortunately even in that moment I was right. You could have heard a pin drop in that room, literally everyone: his family, and the whole church that was gathered there, left the room — leaving me alone with him. I didn’t know what was going to happen next and was literally shaking in fear, but he invited me to sit down at a table and tell him more… I guess because I wasn’t one of his kids he didn’t lash out at me. So I told him, “I don’t understand what’s going on with you but I don’t see any fruit of the spirit in your life; I don’t see any love joy peace patience kindness gentleness goodness faithfulness self-control. And everyone else sees it but I don’t know why no one will talk to you about it.”

            The last thing I wanted to do is have this conversation with this guy. But he ended up sitting there getting real about his walk with Jesus for the next hour and a half to a 14-year-old. And he thanked me for confronting him. And then he got into counseling.

            So in general, no Bob, I don’t generally feel I need to talk to other HOH about how they lead their family. But you better believe that God can speak through donkeys and he can even speak through girls. Especially when men don’t stand up with a standard of righteousness in the body of Christ. God wanted to deliver Israel through men but on at least one occasion he had to turn to a woman instead, because the men were not doing their job. I should not have had to speak to this man, some man or men in our church could easily have done that. Instead they watched oppression and Injustice and all sorts of things God hates occur right in front of them, and they let this man bring shame to the name of Christ to all who watched.

            So no, respectfully, I don’t agree with your rule, it’s not Biblical, it might have an appearance of wisdom in upholding some sort of traditional value system, but the most important value is speaking the truth in love and that does not have a gender. Wrong is wrong no matter who notices it and who needs to call it out.

          2. Hello Heather. That’s a great story. I hope that talk made a real difference in this man’s faith. I believe it is possible to maintain that overall respect for other men and for heads of home, leaving the correction to be done by men, while also recognizing unique instances when that is not possible to do, especially as you pointed out when no one was doing anything about the problem. I have seen that occur before as well. We can respect the general rule and the unique instance at once.


            Of course I have to add that I have seen the situation work both ways before. The simple failure of authorities to handle a problem easily becomes an excuse for women to become rebellious, accusing, and slanderous themselves. This is hardly rare, and it compounds the evil.

            Women at times take advantage of such failures, or simply of decisions they disagree with, to try and usurp men, and be the ones to handle a situation. They take it upon themselves to condemn, and often do not speak from knowledge when they do so.

            The way you handled seeing such behavior was with meekness. The kind of problem you were dealing with was serious and had not been dealt with. You spoke in what sounds like a fair and respectful way, seeking to lead someone in their faith. That’s a fair approach.

            Unfortunately, this is not always the way women respond, so the right way to do things has to be kept in mind. You can go to the men about a problem, discuss it with them, and ask them kindly to deal with it. If nothing happens in the long run, and it is a serious problem, then you can approach it yourself with meekness and love. You do not gossip, or make accusations of others. You speak one on one in a respectful way, with a goal of presenting Christ’s truth.

            I’m sure you know that, but believe me, I’ve heard the failure of men more than a few times used as an excuse for abysmal behavior of women. The gentle heart has to be kept in mind, as well as the brother and sisterhood you spoke of.

            Thank you for sharing.

      2. Aron,
        Thanks for your reply. I appreciate the admonition and warning in it as well as the affirmation.

        It is true that later, for many years I did allow abusive behavior by some men to be the catalyst for me rejecting and deconstructing anything the Bible said about wives submitting to husbands, and thus I ended up rebelling against my husband, even though I still considered myself a follower of Christ. Actually God is pretty patient with us it seems, but I found your blog at the right time and it put some reconstruction back into the equation when I knew where I had gotten myself to wasn’t right either.

        Your blog reminds me of the verse: “My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.”

        In this case, I’m not sure my soul was headed towards death per se (who knows?), but definitely I was on a wrong track with my husband.

        You wrote, about how the “failure of men more than a few times used as an excuse for abysmal behavior of women.” Yes. (And the other way around too, the failure of women is sometimes used an excuse for abysmal behavior of men.)

        But either way, thank you for reminding us all in other comments to not live from feelings or reactions but out of duty. It’s a good reminder I need to keep in mind over and over. And meekness is a good exhortation too.


        1. You’re welcome. Bless you and your family. I do know it works both ways. I’ve been in “debates” with some of the patriarchal crowd or the mgtow people and they cease not blaming women for their problems, and holding very wicked attitudes towards them. My first thought is that this is just the reverse of the angry feminist who was hurt. I hope they can have some of the same wisdom you have shown, and be willing to repent before God, regardless of who has hurt them.

        2. Heather, I don’t know if you’re still around here, but your comments and witness encourage me every time.

          Thank you.

  19. Hi Aron,
    Sort of random question while we’re on the topic of modesty and dress:
    I am wondering if your wife wears a “head covering” in the vein of 1 Cor 11, and what your thoughts are on that.

    1. Hello Heather, That’s a very appropriate question. Thank you. I have gotten into this subject with a few couples I’ve counseled regarding marriage. I’ve seen several of them embrace wearing it.

      The head covering is the clear teaching of Scripture, so a woman ought to wear it. It was also worn by most Christian women throughout nearly all Christian history, up until the mid-20th century in the West. I’d recommend reading the commentary of the early Christian fathers on the topic, and it’s clear they recognized its importance in the earliest years of this Messianic age.

      In context, the head covering is for a prayer and worship situation, so it is not required all the time. It’s not a bad idea to wear all the time though, as by its nature it enhances modesty, and it also makes sure the woman is prepared any time for prayer. She doesn’t have to go somewhere to get her covering, or take time to put it on.

      The covering, while carrying meaning on multiple levels, primarily represents the man’s authority over her, which at the same time represents the authority of Christ and God. It’s a little picture of the order in marriage, and in salvation. I believe it is, at least in the minor sense of the word, sacramental in what it signifies and what it does.

      It’s interesting, while most translations say the woman has a “symbol” of authority on her head, the Greek text just says she has authority on her head, or power. The small covering is a very important and powerful thing. The children of God have lost much by tossing it out. Notice hat else they tossed out, around that same period of time.

      Yes, it is important for the woman to wear. My wife wears it for Church as well as home worship settings. I don’t require she wear it all the time.


      1. Heather Avatar

        Thanks Aron as always for your thoughtful replies.
        I actually used to wear a head covering to my public high school. Much for the reasoning you lay out here, that if I was to pray without ceasing, and believed that I should wear a covering to pray, that I should wear it all the time then. I got very wrapped up with being worried about whether my head was properly covered at all times so that if my hair started falling out of my covering and I had been praying I started to feel guilty for praying without my head properly covered and it just became something that eventually actually got in the way of my relationship with the Lord. I’m in a different place now mentally/emotionally/spiritually and I don’t think I would get all wrapped up with that kind of thing at this point in my life if I decided to wear one… But in the course of doing this in high school, I had come to the conclusion that verse 14 meant that my long hair was the covering and that I didn’t need an additional covering, so I stopped wearing it.
        I think a lot of people don’t believe in wearing a covering either because they believe it’s a cultural artifact, which to me doesn’t quite seem accurate, or because of verse 14 and the view that hair is the covering.
        I’m now curious what you would say to that, thanks as always for your love of truth and willingness to pour into those who come your way.

        1. Hello Heather, Thanks for your reply. That’s interesting that you covered when you were younger. I hope you can return to covering, as this is the teaching of Scripture, and was the understanding of the early Church, and near unanimous practice for almost two millennia. It is also a great blessing to the woman, the family, and the Church. There is spiritual power in it. It is very odd that Christians have discarded the head covering, and I definitely see that discarding as coming coming from rebellion, and a liberal-to-unbelieving view of Scripture.

          The head covering is an actual cloth. It is not hair. We can know this through several reasons. Firstly, the words themselves refer to covering or uncovering the head. katakalypto (cover), akatakalyptos (uncover), kephale (head). They are not ambiguous words, and Paul teaches this before any mention of hair. The early Christians understood Greek and had no problem taking this to be covering up with a cloth. A woman’s hair is given as a comparison towards the end of the passage, the logic being that the head covering is in harmony with the covering that nature also gives a woman, which is her long hair. It’s clearly a comparison between two things, so they are not the exact same thing.

          Also, it makes no sense to interpret the covering as synonymous with hair, because then you’d have logical absurdities. If a woman needs to wear a covering by having long hair when she prays, then a man would need to be uncovered by chopping off his hair before he prays. It would seem silly to talk about covering during prayer, when we really cannot choose our hair length the moment we pray. Guys would have to keep a razor at all times. Plus verse 6 would be nonsensical, saying: if a woman does not have long hair let her be bald, and if she is not bald let her be long haired. What?

          Not only that, but the comparison at the end of the passage to a woman’s hair (vs. 15) even uses a different Greek word for covering, one used commonly to refer to a mantle, something that wraps around, or a very decorous kind of covering. It’s not the same word used earlier in the passage. Check your concordance on that.

          This is not a difficult or controversial passage Heather, even if there are a few ambiguous phrases. Taken at face value, the passage says a woman should cover her head, and it never defines the covering itself as hair. Rather people have to read that in from the outside, and try to convince themselves because a comparison is made.

          Nor is the headcovering “culture” alone. That is completely false. Anytime someone tells you a teaching is nothing but culture expect them to prove it. Does the text say it is nothing but culture, or does it say something else? Is it a teaching referring to what we understand only to be culture, or does that teaching reflect spiritual, and moral truths? The cultural argument, most commonly, is just the pathway to liberalism.

          Paul clearly states that this is NOT culture, but is apostolic tradition, right there in verse 2. He compares it to something NOT cultural, when He compares it to the headship order: God, Christ, man, woman, in verse 3. He also connects it to something spiritual (the angels) in verse 10. He connects it to natural law in verses 14-15. None of these things are cultural, but transcend culture. (Same thing goes for foot washing by the way)

          I know that people can become overly concerned with the details of the covering, rather than the purpose. They can worry too much about exact size and shape. That’s bad. However, it’s possible to happen with any other doctrine too. I would not worry about whether a few strands of hair are sticking out. The simple point is it should cover the head, representing the man’s authority. It’s also common sense that it ought to be a recognizably religious covering, and not a fashion item, or overly decorous. It ought to reflect modesty and simplicity. That’s it.

          I could get into more depth, but I hope that helps you see more clearly that wearing a covering is the Christian practice. Not a single verse of the chapter says that covering equals hair, but this has to be read in.

          Here is one good video from head covering movement:

          Here is Part 1 of a series by Followers of the Way:

          They are excellent teachings.

          Take care.

      2. Heather Avatar

        Hi Aron,
        Thanks as always for your reply. I left the group I was in that practiced headcoverings when I was 16. I never thought I’d be having this conversation again at this point in my life, much less find myself seriously wrestling with the topic. It has been the furthest thing on my mind for decades. Bear with me please as a huge part of me does not want to even be having this conversation and another part of me is pulled in for some reason and now I feel I need to wrestle through it again and re-define for myself why I am, or am not, going to wear it. Do you always have this effect on people? (Not only that but about 3 other giant topics at the same time.)
        Anyway, you wrote, “There is spiritual power in it.” Would you kindly expound on that, cessationist friend?

        1. Hello Heather, I am very honored to have opened up the topic again for you. Definitely continue to study this, and pray on it. Many Bible believing churches have abandoned the head covering, although they may still be strong in other doctrines. Don’t be afraid to be the only one in a gathering wearing one, as you know we seek to honor God before we seek to honor men.

          God’s power and activity in this world is not denied by cessationism. Cessationism merely teaches that the miracle gifts present in the first century are no longer with us. That means we cannot expect there to be members of any church which do miracles as a matter of course, regularly. No one I’ve heard of denies that God acts in the world today, or that He does not bring about events we can call miraculous. God is constantly nourishing the churches, and refining His saints through the Holy Spirit.

          When I say there is spiritual power in the head covering, I mean God uses it to bring about grace, and this grace blesses the entire community. He can refine us through it. He leads the woman in holiness through it. God could choose to use other means if He desired, but He chooses physical elements sometimes to accomplish those goals.

          Notice that at a similar era as the head covering disappeared, so did modesty, and so did respect for the man’s headship. It seems throwing out the cloth was throwing out the headship. That cloth I believe doesn’t just symbolize headship, but helps establish and preserve it. It is authority or power on her head. It bears the man’s authority, which itself is Christ’s authority acting through him.

          That’s is some of what I mean by having spiritual power. I am viewing it as loosely sacramental. I hope that helps.

      3. Heather Avatar

        Oh, and also, yes, I mixed up vs. 14 and 15. Now that you rid me of any delusions about vs. 15, can we talk about vs 16, “we have no such custom?” (If you have any other videos on vs 16 that would be helpful too.)


        1. Hello Heather, Some people claim that since Paul ends the discussion with the phrase “we have no such custom, nor do the churches of God,” that he means they have no such custom of covering their heads. Now this interpretation would be nonsensical. Paul has just finished a detailed discussion, start to finish, telling them to cover their heads. He has connected the covering to the order of the Trinity, the order in marriage, the angels, and natural law, and he has further proclaimed that the teaching is a tradition of the apostles.

          Do you honestly thing he’s going to then tell the church: actually , we don’t do things like this? No, of course not.

          When Paul says we “have no such custom” her is referring back to the immediately prior statement about being contentious. He is saying in our churches we are not contentious, so do not start a fight over this teaching. The entire verse reads, “But if anyone seems to be contentious, we have no such custom, nor do the churches of God.” He’s telling the we receive instructions peacefully, with respect for them.

          I hope that fully clears up the passage for you. The historical church was not in the dark about the meaning of this passage for nearly two thousand years. Rather, the modernist is willfully in the dark since the mid-twentieth century. He distrusts the Word of God, and find it grates against his humanistic values. The covering is the plain teaching of Scripture, and carries powerful meaning and blessing for the Church.

          1. I was a child when I read in the Bible about headcovering, and I asked my mother why we didn’t do it. She said she didn’t know; that women used to wear hats or veils in church but we just don’t any more. Not sure why we stopped.

            I wanted to do it. She wasn’t any help, and I wasn’t quite rebellious enough to pull it off on my own.

            It always haunted me.

            Years later I came back to the thought and (yay internet!) looked it up. It might have been one of those occasions when a president had an audience with the Pope, which always involved the First Lady covering her head.

            I found people on both sides of the headcovering issue online, that is, that hair is a woman’s glory and must be covered, or that hair itself was the covering and another shouldn’t be added. Compelling arguments—from learned men—on both sides! What to do? I didn’t and don’t have the means to access original languages.

            For a couple of reasons I went with what I’d known in my heart from about age 7. I wore headcovering all the time, with a snood to bed, for a couple of years. Now only for corporate worship, though I like the idea for formal private prayer too. If one is praying without cease we’re back to the 24/7 concept, if we think covering is for all prayer.

            I like wearing it all day on Sunday too, sometimes, as a witness as well as a simple joy.

            Thank you for drawing attention to this bit of scriptural loveliness!

            Grace and peace,


          2. aronhusband Avatar

            That’s wonderful, Cerah. I’m really happy to hear it. Headcoverings are very meaningful for women, and for the Church as a whole. That is true especially since the woman represents the Bride of Christ, who is covered by Christ, as she is by her man. You can certainly wear the covering all day, and I believe there are benefits in that too. It enriches the faith. Bless you.

  20. Thank you Aron.

    There are positive and negative reactions to a headcovering woman.

    Now usually people just smile at me, but I am usually with my husband and we are dressed for church and he holds doors for me. So people smile anyway.

    When I was younger and out with all the kids in everyday clothes probably looking harried, once in awhile someone would ask why I wore it, clearly suspicious that I needed to be rescued from some brainwashing cult. I told them it makes me feel pretty. It does, too, and the modern types can’t argue with that. It would violate their own rules.

    For more friendly inquiries I would say “because of the angels”….

    There have been times when I felt strongly that it was having on the armor of God.

    Peace and joy


  21. Searching Avatar

    I enjoyed the head covering conversations. I was raised Catholic and am a practicing Catholic. It was always part of my life to see women with their heads covered and I wore my veil. I got out of the practice. I think I will bring it back out and water it again. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. The veil helps with keeping the wearer focused during worship. There is no looking around. No distractions.

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Thank you for your comment, Searching. That’s great to hear. I’m glad the conversation was helpful to you, and that you will return to the head covering. There is great blessing to the church in this simple act of faithfulness, and to the individual. I know we have a few other readers who are traditional Catholics as well.

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