Helping a Wife See Her Responsibility

Part of your work as a leader in applying discipline is to help your wife see her responsibility for her wrongs. When she knows her responsibility, and ceases making excuses, is when she will benefit most from your correction, be it a verbal, or spanking correction. You need to communicate not just what she did wrong, but be able to see through any excuses and help her see through them too. As I teach elsewhere, you don’t need to waste your time debating with your wife, but you should be able to answer any questions she has, and also help her see clearly by asking questions of your own. If her behavior disobeyed her husband, broke the rules, caused harm, she needs to see that. Her understanding will aid her in sincere remorse, and she will learn better from your words, while her bottom is being reddened later.

A few of the most common excuses should be laid to rest. A wife trying to avoid culpability might go to them almost automatically, without thinking, but you need to steer her to the truth. One of the first attempts you will hear is this: but I didn’t know that was what you wanted. In every case I have heard this excuse from my wife, it was not true. She DID know what I wanted. You need to remind her that she knows the rules, and it is her own responsibility if she ignored them. It is often most effective to have her admit her own responsibility by asking questions. Ask her: didn’t I tell you that I needed you to do this? Didn’t I remind you last week it had to be done? Then you knew what I expected, correct? Often I have found questions like these put an end to my wife’s excuses very quickly. She has to say, from her own mouth, she knew and she chose to ignore my will. She’s just reminded herself she has earned what is coming. Her desire to convince you otherwise starts to dissolve.

Another attempt to avoid responsibility is similar: it is to claim ignorance by lack of having ENOUGH information to do something. She just didn’t have every last detail of how you wished something done, and that excuses her ignoring what you told her. You need to point out the faulty logic in this thinking — just because you didn’t know all the details doesn’t mean you were incapable of doing it. Any details you could have asked me while you were in the process of doing it. Here you again return to the questions, and ask her: Did I tell you to do this or not? Did you know I expected it? Did you need very detail in order to do it? She understands the logic as well, and it will help her to see her own guilt in her actions. She chose to ignore your words, and she is responsible.

You wife may also try and look less responsible, and less in need of punishment, by minimizing the wrong. How much harm did it cause anyway? Wasn’t it just a small thing? While I hope you do not overly regulate your home and your wife, minimizing an evil is a common and poor excuse for doing evil. You help her see that. You explain that disobedience is always wrong. Disrespect is always wrong. Minimizing the harm of breaking the law very rarely passes muster with a judge and a jury. There is a law and punishment for a reason. Likewise, minimizing the harm should not hold any power with you. Is it acceptable to disobey your man? Is it acceptable to ignore what your husband told you to do? Is it submissive to disrespect me? She should know the answers to those questions. Remind her also about the long-term harm caused by bad behavior, so she doesn’t fall into the trap of thinking it is harmless because she does not see drastic short-term effects. The long-term effect, and the overall effect for society, is harm to families, and to marriages, and to children. That’s why you have order and discipline in the home. Moreover, bad behavior often results in terrible short-term harm, even if it does not occur every time. There is the great risk of it. She ought to admit to some of that, and fully acknowledge it before she goes over your knee. Her behavior is wrong and harmful. That is why she’s being punished.

Another common attempt to deny responsibility, and with it your right to punish her, is to claim she was just unable to do what you said. It was simply impossible. There may in fact be instances where a task is impossible, but in my experience that is very rare. It is her responsibility to do it, and her responsibility to make the time and use the available resources to do what you command. Very rarely would your boss at work accept an — I was just too busy — excuse. Besides, it a true impossibility presented itself, she could have come to you at the time, explained the impossibility, and asked for more time, or for extra help in doing it. But she never did that. That’s why most often this form of avoidance is just another excuse. She didn’t WANT to do what you said, and she put it off repeatedly. She made a willful choice to ignore her lord. That is wrong.

As I have explained above, you should assure that she sees she has made a choice, and she made a bad choice. I have heard this on a few occasions from my wife, and it was always a weak excuses. I ask her: Didn’t I tell you this needed to be done? Didn’t you have all week to do it? If you needed something, couldn’t you have asked me before? Did you choose not to do what your man told you to do? Was it really impossible? And to that last question, she has always answered — No. Of course it was not impossible. She sees now she is just making excuses, and making it look harder than it was. She doesn’t WANT to admit guilt, and she doesn’t want to be spanked. Admitting she made that choice will help her learn the lesson you’re going to give her. It will help her receive the correction she’ll be going through soon. When she’s lying over your lap feeling the strap rain continually, she will know she put herself there. She wishes that she didn’t.

I always save some questions for the discipline time itself. I believe that time is for verbal learning and not just getting spanked. She will have to admit her responsibility while she’s bare and over my knee. In most session, I will ask her during the spanking: Was it a good choice to ignore my will? Do you wish you had done things differently? How will you do things in the future? I also review the harm her behavior can cause while she is bottoms up. The harm caused by her act is being presented to her in a small way that very moment — by the pain of the strap raining down. Another time, when my wife had committed serious sin, I asked her before the spanking — did your choice make things better, or make things worse? It made things worse, sir, she answered. Then she immediately bent over and got to feel the consequences. Your wife  should be thinking in the moment about wanting to do things differently. She should want this not to happen again, and want to do things better the next time. She should feel shame for her behavior, and for her guilt. She knows her need to be restored, because she knows she has put a stain on herself. All of this you can help her go through, most fruitfully, if you aid her in seeing she was responsible.

Remember, your wife is not only trying to dodge getting spanked. She is trying to dodge her own responsibility. That is at the core. It is a natural instinct in fallen mankind. We refuse to look at our wrong. We shove it off onto some other person, or some situation beyond our control. We try to make a matter look more complicated than it is, to make things look impossible for us. We had no choice. We were just doing what anyone else would do. The list of excuses are endless, but they are all similar. The responsibility must go somewhere else, and not on our own will, on our own person. This is what a lady is trying to do. She is going to fail. You are helping her in her ability to see clearly. Point continuously and repeatedly to her responsibility and her willful choice. Most of the time she will see it. Most of the time she’ll be able to admit with her own lips of her wrong. Even if she does not, it is your job to give her any punishment she has earned. At the minimum, she will still learn to avoid the bad behavior, and to respect your authority. The ideal is her full understanding, but less than the ideal still works. A spanked wife learns a good lesson about her behavior.

Be ready for this before any discipline session. Not only should you be prepared to shine a light on your wife’s bad choice, and reject her excuses, but you should be ready to help her see regardless of how she responds. She may accept that she earned her punishment, but your words still matter in helping her see that fully, and in helping her grow from her correction. Point towards her choice. Point toward what motivated that choice. Point to the harm it causes, and can cause in the future. On a practical level this is where a waiting period before the punishment can help, as well as corner time before discipline. It gives her the chance to dwell on what she has done and what is coming. In the end, she should be eager to learn better submission and do better next time. She should be eager to show you her obedience, and to be restored. She wants to be a better wife. Make sure she can acknowledge her guilt in her own words, and ask her questions that will guide her in saying this. You teach her, and you help her realize it within her soul.


28 responses to “Helping a Wife See Her Responsibility”

  1. […] you bring your wife’s attention to a wrong she’s done, and the coming spanking you’ll be giving her, be prepared that […]

  2. […] the wrong to be over. You want any dishonor you have given your husband to be wiped away. Let him teach you thoroughly. Then consider what words will express your deep desire to please him in the future. […]

  3. Aron, you always provide such wise advice for husbands, but there is a lot for women to learn here, too. I’ve read your post several times and reflected on the ways in which I’ve tried to deflect my own guilt with excuses. I think the underlying core of most excuses, when directed towards someone we love, is the attempt to show that we didn’t mean to cause the hurt or disrespect that we did. We want him to know that we were careless but not hateful. Somehow, that distinction is very important to us as we’re facing the shame of what we’ve done. However, as you said so beautifully, it deflects responsibility, and wives should learn to channel or subvert these excuses into the apology their husband deserves to hear. “I was tired, but it was my choice to leave the work undone.” “I was running behind, but I know that was due to my poor planning.” “I wasn’t sure exactly what you wanted, but I know you can’t read my mind. I should have asked if I was unclear on your instructions.” “I’m sorry, my love. I know my carelessness is disrespectful to you and our marriage.” If she can’t get there on her own, and perhaps even when she can, her husband should spank her soundly, as is his sacred duty as the leader in their marriage. Thank you for helping me to examine my own barriers to fully expressing my responsibility and submission.

    1. Thank you. That’s very good advice for women on how to turn that into a sincere apology.

  4. […] you husband should lead you through much, or all of what I have discussed. He may take you through that before, during, or after the […]

  5. […] punishment of her behavior go hand in hand. I reminded her she was the one who put herself here by her behavior, behavior I’d warned her about before, and she would have to accept my correction. When she […]

  6. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

    Thanks Aron,
    You alway’s write things I need to learn from…I am full of excuses alot of the time and it comes usually down to 1 thing, I don’t do what he asks of me sometimes because I tell him I forgot about it. Sometimes I really do forget but sometimes I choose not to do it, because if I am angry at him about something I choose to not do what he asked and that gets him angry and he yells at me. IF my husband were a spanking husband I am sure I would learn a very hard lesson over the end of the bed, which is what I want and need because I hate being angry at him and I find myself angry alot these days for reasons that I already told you about and it hasn’t changed.

    1. Thank you. It’s good you can see that. I am sure if he started spanking you it would help you very quickly, and turn some of those reactions around. A lot of that anger would disappear, and be replaced with peace.

      However, even without that strong leadership from your husband, you need to learn in the Lord to come to him submissively, humbly, and with respect. When you react as you described, admit to why, and apologize for your behavior.

      Let God be the guide to giving you that gentle heart towards him.

      1. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

        Yes Sir

  7. Aaron, like Sofia, I have reflected as well.
    You wrote: One of the first attempts you will hear is this: but I didn’t know that was what you wanted. In every case I have heard this excuse from my wife, it was not true. She DID know what I wanted.

    My husband is away on business right now. He has informed me that when he gets home I can expect my butt to get paddled.

    A little backstory: We had some snow here last week, Lee is very protective of me so he did not want me driving. I had to cancel an appointment. So I got through that but he also said I really don’t want you driving the car while there is salt still on the roads because he won’t be here to wash the car. He says salt destroys a car. I wanted to go to the store so after the roads cleared and were still only wet, I went to the store.

    He called me and thru our regular conversation he mentioned it and said something like maybe you can get to the store in a day or 2, do you have everything at home that you need? I told him the truth that I already went. Needless to say he was not happy.
    During our evening phone call when we pray and say good night when he is not here he informed me that I can expect a paddling when he gets home for taking the car out. I think I just yes sir. However I have been thinking about excuses to give him so I can get out of the spanking… He did not forbid me to take the car just thought it might not be a good idea. ……see where I am going with this?

    Anyway once again Aron your words spoke to me. I will not be giving excuses to Lee when he gets home or when I am about to get my back side paddled. I am better than that anyway, truth is I knew exactly what my husband meant and wanted. Not the first time he did not want me driving in salt and wet roads. I did have to get the car washed this weekend.

    So because of my disobedience my husband arriving home will be clouded with a punishment to be delivered. I am not looking forward to it. Disobedience…. I am going to be paddled hard probably with his thick paddle at the least. Be sore to sit and take baths for a few days!

    I am going to be apologetic, and contrite, no excuses. I will very thankfully be punished by my caring husband. I just wish it was over, yes I have butterflies in my stomach thinking about it.

    Thanks for this site!
    BTW: No matter how many excuses I would not have gotten out of it anyway.


    1. You’re welcome Nic. I’m very happy my writing has been a help to you. My wife has gotten spanked for very similar reasons, and has learned to take responsibility. It’s a good example to other women that you understand your wrong, and apologize sincerely to you husband. Other ladies should learn the same. Thank you for your comments. Best to you.

  8. Would rules being written down and available to be seen as a reminder help some couples? It may aid some wives in remembering their responsibilities, especially if they are detailed. However, it could be a hinderance as well.
    From my experience, It is a matter of simply making for certain that I am respectfully listening and then understanding clearly what my husband is saying and wanting from me, then committing it to law in my mind. This” law” then needs to be obeyed or I am spanked. This is a learning process and it is intentional work.

    1. Yes, I think most rules are common sense things. I do not use a written list of rules, but I know some couples might find more clarity in them. Thank you for your comment.

  9. It is a husband duty, theirfore his obligation, to make sure that the wife obeys. We as humanbeings are not obedient, for example: if a man makes a mistake at his work he may get a paycut. In a case of wife a husband should have a firm attitude towards his wife disobedience. Needless to say that there is diference between discipline and a beating.

    1. Hello Jk, Thank you for your comment. Yes, a husband does have that responsibility. Absolutely. I don’t know about a “beating” since the word is usually a negative one, connoting cruelty and anger. However, a good hard spanking is simply one legitimate form of discipline, though not the only one. It is loving discipline that can do a great deal of good.

  10. TxCoGrl83 Avatar

    I’m taking a little break right now reading this because Even though it’s an older.
    So, I was so excited because I got away with just my husband yesterday evening to get some shopping done. Also things have been so busy with homeschool, my husband’s work is always busy but seems extra right now (which please know I’m grateful for, always but especially right now). So it was special. Grandma is here, anyway, we had the best most delightful time!! I felt the Christmas spirit in me and him too! It’s always fun to imagine our kid’s being excited. It’s not what Christmas is just about which we are very aware and practice lots of learning, and also learn about the deep joy of giving to others… our kid’s are at great ages, they are understanding all of that and it’s just wonderful.
    So anyway, it admittedly was late. We both had not eaten and to be honest it was after dinner, a bit. I was- in hindsight I was carrying on to long, I was Going to far with extra, I got Carried away…. my husband said, not even to sternly but for sure not in debate form, that it was time to go and we needed to get home to eat. I wish my story could end right there, with me saying yes sir and going home, making dinner, and going to bed. I did not do that. I did Not say yes sir, and in fact IN the store I said, well I’m not done, if we leave we will just have to come back!!

    That was my tantrum. He called it that and, well my fate was already set, there was no chance, but I struggled so much last night with that word. He called it that many times, and it upset me so deeply. My feelings felt hurt. THIS. Is what I use as an excuse. You hurt my feelings. I thought you were …. but you weren’t …. Would this be a reason for a spanking in your book? Would this be a tantrum? I’m not asking to disrespect my husband, or disprove him! I’m just asking… I feel like the answer is yes, but I’m not for sure..

    We got home, only our oldest was awake, my husband went up with him got him to sleep, and I got The text I knew Was coming… when dinner is done being made, and you have eaten, please go downstairs… I did what he said… he ate and I waited downstairs is pure dread.

    Do any other wives struggle to just, say yes sir when it’s time? I know, they must, I’m sure some used to, but because they get spanked maybe they do not anymore. I’m somewhere in between. I know, and most of the time I act accordingly. Last night I couldn’t get over it, I couldn’t say yes sir. I felt so sad. I argued in the car, I raised my voice, well I used a tone, he told me to stop, and I tried, but found my voice back there. He threatened me with a pull over, he never has done it, I know he doesn’t want to, but I also know he will. We live a bit in the country which means he can pull over and spank if I Pushed, and if he had to do that, I know It would have been the worst thing, I know which belt he had on so I got Quiet right away.
    I knew though it was a short ride home… why couldn’t I get It together? Why didn’t I say I was sorry! Why didn’t I just accept my responsibility? Is it hard for other wives when you really do not feel that your behavior warranted a label of “tantrum”? As a husband, do you see it as, I said it and it’s not up for a debate? If I was reading this about another couple I would have seen it, I woukd Have been like just stop woman, please just stop!
    When I’m in the moment I still Struggle, even after years of this lifestyle. It is not because my husbands isn’t a great leader, or a very clear cut man who makes it known how he will have his home run. I have agreed to it, I believe in it, AND it has absolutely helped my life, even still I get stuck, and that little bit of very ugly pride comes through. Even though I am a submissive wife who follows and respects her husbands leadership, I have a bit of a spark that I struggle to take responsibility about. I make excuses too. Some are natural because once I cross over to the land of spankings I begin to let all kinds of excuses rule me. They do not do much, he doesn’t care about them, he doesn’t allow them to keep me from being held accountable, but they are there!

    So, once he came downstairs, I was Laying in the bed already, not facing him. That is the scariest moment, when he walks in and i can only listen. I heard the drawer open… which means he is getting out our hardest spammer, a paddle. Which made me cry before he even said a word. I knew. I knew. I then think how could I have gotten here? This is not fair.. those feeling stay… we talk a little before it starts but not a ton.
    He starts hard, so hard, for snottiness to be crying so hard, begging to not be able to lay still, and my arm pinned to my back… then we talk. We talk through it all. This (I have Never asked him in straight forward terms) but what I take is that we talk about the incident. Even if it’s 30 minutes of discussion. If i can respond well, speak clearly and meekly we end it after one more bit of spanking, after i say what i did out loud. When we get to a point in the discussion about my behavior he will say something like “what happened next”, and I am Forced to say what I did or said to be getting punished, “I said You were selfish for making us leave.” I hate this part because being forced to repeat what you said or did in your own voice and words in a situation where your butt is out there and it’s about to feel why that was not a good idea! . I struggle to get these parts out. I’m ashamed, I feel Terrible, and I’m straight up scared. Who wouldn’t be? If I stutter or take to long he will just spank me so hard and fast like 3 times, that’s him saying I asked You, now answer… I have basically learned not to do this because then I have those in addition to what happens next. I also, have to practice literally perfect words, perfect tone and volume when we talk. Last night, I raised My voice about the tantrum thing again… and I swear He elevated, grabbed my waist and paddled me so hard. I felt like I was not going to make it through it hurt so badly.
    This is when things cross over to whaling, to repeating sorry between sobs and breaths. He doesn’t make me go here every time. He allows me to be very sorry, say it, show it, without every single time having to take me to this level of discipline. The truth is I am very sorry at this point, I take responsibility for my infraction very seriously. If we end at this point, I am Sorry. I am Extra aware for a long time, I may feel my punishment that night when we go to sleep, but usually not the next day.
    There is SO MUCH truth in one thing, and I hate To say it, and it’s not just about how hard, as Aaron says so many factors go into punishment, leadership, accepting this kind of life, and then living it out, and all the idiosyncrasies that go along with it all… it’s not just about how hard you spank. It also is about how hard you spank. I do learn a stronger lesson, I do SURLY remember it more, I will probably think about every single time I go in that store for the rest of my life. I also remember, less hard punishments with the same amount of gusto as this, for different reasons.

    I wasn’t able to keep my voice as meek as he thought it should be. I really did not mean to. I did not. I was Not trying to defy (which is what he said I was doing). I get stuck in the moment here, even if I did Not “mean” to… why would I ever let myself get a place where it’s even in question?
    I am literally one of those people who says. I’m typing this with a sore bottom, I felt It the second I woke Up, as I was Falling asleep, and right now. I can barely sit today. I know this helps in my learning. I know The contrition is at level 2000. So what is the point of this long comment I just Wrote? I always End up writing about my experience.

    Mayne nothing, but it was therapeutic to write, I think. Thank you fo listening. Do other wives do this sometimes? Feel these feelings? I also, think I have to agree 100 percent. Excuses arrive THE SECOND anyone gets blamed for anything, right or wrong… there IS a reason I did it this way, or please please listen, I swear I didn’t mean to, I swear I meant to do what you said, I only acted this way because …. I wasn’t paying attention because…

    I think reading this entry, and listening to my own husbands words he says every time- There is always fluff around situations, did you do it, did you say it? Did you know if you did that act or say those words, did you know that was going to warrant a punishment? Yes sir. Okay then. Period. There is no excuse in the world. YOU DID IT, YOU SAID it take responsibility, say it out loud, and receive your punishment, talk through it all, unite again showing that you understand and that you take responsibility yet again. Show me you are sorry. I will deal with you at the level that needs be, you will be held accountable, I will Forgive you, and we will move forward, knowing for sure if we ever have to handle this again, I will really not be able to sit. Also knowing I am Fully Responsible for all of my actions, all of my decisions, and all of what comes out of my mouth.

    It’s easy to make excuses, it’s hard to just say yes sir. It’s hard to obey when you feel sad or have hurt feelings. It’s the harder choice. I fall short here a lot, I pay For it, I am Forgiven, and I am Loved. We are in a relationship where my husband is the one who has the final word. Which enables him to make sure things run smoothly, demanding my obedience is pure and consistent mirroring his leadership.

    I think all woman trying their very hardest. We do. The easy way out is to not live this life. To not be obedient, to not have to answer to a man, and not take responsibility. We would just be spoiled and terrible. I wish I handled myself differently last night. I know that I was far out of line. I know I deserved to be made accountable for how I acted and what I said. I wish I would Have stopped there, but the paddle helped me feel the full responsibility this time. Next time I hope and plan to not need that extra push to be responsible for how I acted. Responsibility for things we are not proud of is the hardest thing. It’s also one of if not the most important characteristics for. Great human, a good wife. Someone who will say the words, I’m sorry honey, I was Wrong.

    Some marriages I understand never experience this. Ever. They just hold grudges and anger, they get stuck and unable to move on… I’m so grateful in the big picture for a husband like mine, like Aron (from what I underStand about you) a man who even when it’s hard and exhausting doesn’t stop until he KNOWS his wife has found her ability to feel responsible. Thank you again and always.

    1. Thank you very much for sharing your experience. It’s clear from your writing that you find it in yourself to own up to what you did. You see the value of it despite how hard to punishment was. I think a key phrase is, “the paddle helped me feel the full responsibility this time.” I’m sure you husband knows you will do your best next time. Bless you.

      1. auntiebeth Avatar

        I think one thing we should probably remember is something I learned years ago in a college communication class and that is that 70 percent of our communication is not in our words but in our body language, facial expression tone of our words, etc. The little nugget was that their is what we THINK we SAID and what the other person thinks we said and they often have little in common. Communication is actually very subjective and can be influenced by our own prejudices, previous interactions, etc. We often don’t realize how we come across to others or recognize that they may in fact be hearing the voice of their own mother or someone else from the past rather then what we are actually saying. My husband often hears criticism when there was none at all because his first wife was so critical over everything and he has admitted this in discussions but still forgets it at times. From what you relate, I would certainly not take your words themselves as a “tantrum” but I wasn’t there to see what your non-verbal communication was which may have communicated something else. I also know many people get unreasonably irritable/angry when hungry or tired. If both of you were tired and hungry it kind of sets you up for things to be blown out of proportion which seems that is what happened and if your husband sensed either one of you getting this way, he would have been correct in needing to leave then even if it seemed impractical. I honestly feel in reading, not specifically this story but many of the stories related on this site that the punishments are often way out of proportion to the misdeed and that wives are often held to an impossible and unrealistic standard of perfection. Everyone will occasionally forget something, lose track of time, not keep perfectly emotionless when under stress, etc.. I suspect some disciplinarians are getting very defensive reading this but to be a good leader takes a good deal of humility and careful introspection on the part of the man also and were I in their shoes I would want to carefully error on the side of mercy as I believe God will judge them in the same way if they are too harsh with their wives. Aronhusband speaks of taking time planning what to lecture or how to discipline. I would respectfully suggest that husbands (and parents ) would be well advised to also spend a little time in prayerful reflection before God prior to their meting out discipline in asking God to reveal their own heart to them and opening themselves up to hear His voice in prayer. It is my own experience that most of what God says to me in prayer has to do with His showing me my own shortcomings and not those of my brother. If the husbands are harsh and unrealistic in their treatment of their wives God may judge them in the same way and their prayers will not be heard. I am NOT saying your husband was in error. Men are also fallible and it is a given that they will error sometimes. That is where our own humility, love, and forbearance comes in…in being able to be understanding of their stressful position and responsibilities and to honestly forgive when they mess up which they will sometimes. I would also suggest that special caution be exercised in giving discipline for subjective things like “attitude” or “tone” rather then objective actions as it is too easy to error in these subjective situations.

        1. Sure, it is always wise to be aware of your intentions as the disciplinarian, to be self-controlled, and to treat the one you are correcting with respect, looking out for their good.

          However, a husband does not discipline his wife because he is very concerned with “someone else’s” wrong and not his own. As a Christian he should be regularly confessing his sins and should be repenting of them. He corrects his wife because it is his responsibility to lead her, and to correct bad behavior. The same is true of any other authority in the world. They fulfill their role by providing discipline. A husband looks after his wife and his home that way.

          Correcting a wife for attitude is really not all that subjective. Unless it is a very minor passing thing, attitude is often very palpable and visible, even if it’s not culminated in direct disobedience or another sin. If a husband is getting attitude from his wife, he usually knows it, and sees it over time. It is a valid reason to spank her, and usually, she knows she’s been disrespectful as well. A lot of time the spanking relieves her of that attitude, which comes from a very negative and immature part of herself. She learns to spot it better when she’s corrected, and she learns to avoid it better. She learns to listen to warnings better, and gets spanked less.

          I have not written anything on this site to encourage a husband to discipline a wife for a passing mistake, and I have seen few comments that suggest that. Discipline is for major infractions, or for many repeated problems. I discourage spanking for minor carelessness. No one is perfect, but a husband needs to take his role in leading his wife very seriously, and should not hold back if she needs correction. He does not need to be perfect to give discipline, or to do so effectively.

          A submissive wife is ready and willing to learn, and is responsive in her heart to feeling sorrow for her wrong. The spanking helps her along in learning, and in changing for the good. It can help her see more deeply the wrong in what she’s done and remember it.

          I hope that clears some things up. Thanks.

    2. Gosh, I just love this TXCoGrl! I also struggle a lot with feeling like I know better than my husband. It’s a trait I now see in our 10 year old son, and in him, I can easily see that that disrespect for authority is wicked pride, but in myself…that’s so much harder.

    3. You said he was selfish for making you leave? Really?

      I can totally see “I’m not finished yet, we’ll only have to come back” (we only have presents for three of our seven kids and I don’t think this will go well on Christmas morning…).

      I don’t see the tantrum part, unless there was foot-stomping or something. Sounds like a simple statement of fact. Best said whilst gathering up your purchases to go, though.

      Accusing him of selfishness is a “whole nother thing”. If you just said that in anger, it was an unwise choice. But it’s a pretty big accusation to come up with if you haven’t been already thinking he’s selfish in general. You have just been having a nice time together and he probably feels he’s let it go on longer that he would like because it makes you happy. He anticipates gratitude. It is not what he gets.

      If you actually think he’s selfish, not just in that moment–you may not be wrong but you have to proceed with caution. Most people are selfish. He may view that as one of his own worst faults, in which case you’ve just pushed his most tender button, in public, in front of people, when he has been being nice to you.

      Better to address it subtly. He wants gratitude, and gratitude is probably the best remedy for selfishness, yours or his. Thank him for the nice time. Make him glad he took you out. My husband says, “behave as if you want to be invited back”. Try translating “you’re selfish”, in your mind, to “thank you”, out loud. Not with sarcasm. 🙂 Or turn it back on yourself: “I know it’s selfish of me, but I really don’t want to leave yet!”

      While gathering up your purchases to leave, of course.

      This is a man who loves you, right? Love him back.

  11. […] punishing your wife for smaller wrongs, also helps her see the seriousness and need for change of her larger ones. When she ends up over your knee and her bottom is on the […]

  12. […] carry authority with her, and teach her to take her role seriously as as submissive wife. They guide her, and put her into her right position. That is authority and verbal discipline. A good wife will […]

  13. […] wife what she needs to learn through his regular hard correction. A wife also learned more deeply the wrong of her actions, when her actions are normally punished. Ignoring punishment often sends the message […]

  14. […] to accept. It is the same kind that any authority wields, and should be respected highly. The law breaker should rightly fear punishment. It also will help the wife with her own submission. Since his […]

  15. […] words, and discipline her swiftly when needed. Do not be dismayed either by a wife’s attacks or excuses. She needs to know who is in charge in the marriage. You have the authority as the man. You […]

  16. rickmorganhoh Avatar

    This is a great article! Margret’s excuses are often related to her past and how she had to live her life before she met me. She’s constantly saying that it’s very difficult for her to change the old habits of independence and that her 1st husband taught her many bad habits in how to relate to a man. She says she doesn’t mean to be disrespectful to me it just comes out that way. I constantly remind her that I realize it’s hard to break old habits but that I am here to help her with that and I will continue to do that until she changes her habits to new more submissive and godly ones. Sometimes I feel like I may be spanking her for years ahead before I can break some of these habits. I know my spankings are not too light to make an impact. I spank long and hard and the soreness is felt well into the next day. Any thoughts you or your readers have for me on this would be welcome.

    1. Hello Rick, In many cases it may take several years to fully get out of old attitudes and behaviors. It will great for her to finally be free of them. They may come slipping back even once they are gone, but once she’s learned better habits, she’ll recognize them more easily and stop the bad behavior before it arises.

      Not every problem of course comes from youthful indoctrination, or years of independence. Some women simply get spoiled as a small child, and retain that childishness until they have to get rid of it.

      I know you both can have success.

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