Overcoming Obstacles to Sexual Submission

The marriage bed is one area where fewer women have trouble submitting. It’s more likely that women desire to yield to their husband’s strength here than anywhere else. The woman’s yielding in the marriage bed should merely picture her yielding to her husband in their marriage each day, but do so more deeply and personally. Many women crave to be told what to do in bed. Her body is virtually built for it. Other women find submission of the sexual form difficult nonetheless. Wives refuse to have sex in order to get what they want, or to get back at their husbands. Others are reluctant by instinct, somehow not wanting to give in to an imposition. The obstacles that may appear to sexual submission are at times similar to those of the non-sexual kinds, but others are unique to sexual intimacy. If she has not learned it already, learning submission in bed will be one of the strongest ways for her to embrace submission elsewhere. Overcoming any obstacles will help greatly to keep the home a happy one. 

One reason some wives reject submission to their husbands in bed is because they have learned a sense of independence. Getting married was simply not enough to get them to lose that sense. They have learned it either as a matter of habit, living an independent life, or a matter of ideology, being told it’s wrong to do what their man tells them to do, and at times both factors are at play. A sense of independence is to some degree natural early in marriage, since you have not lived with the person before, and you are used to your own life habits. You easily step on each other’s toes. But in becoming one flesh, one loses that independence step by step. A wife learning sexual submission needs to know she is not her own separate being anymore. She is part of her husband, and one flesh with him. Her life is not ordered by her desires or her will, but it is ordered by her husbands’ leadership, to which she submits her own desires and will. This will be easier to learn if a woman is a sincere Christian, since a sincere Christian has already learned to make their will subordinate to God’s will. They have already learned to let God take away unneeded or rotten parts of their life to replace it with others. Pride is already dissipating. In marriage then, she has to let the same principle come into play. She needs to let her own will follow her husband’s will, and seek to help to do his will with the resources she has. She turns her knowledge and strength over to helping him. Once she has acquired this mindset, submission will not be difficult, and there will be no motivation to resist in the marriage bed. She learns it’s not her body anymore. She learns she hands over all of herself piece by piece to her husband. She can’t hang onto it for herself.

Pride is another reason that women may have difficulty with sexual submission, or reject it entirely. Pride is related to independence, but is distinct from it. Not only do women with pride not like being told what to do, but women with pride at times find sexual submission to be overly humbling for them. It strikes at their grand sense of self, and makes them feel small. Many women who have difficulty in marriage have that one simple problem to work on — learning simply to step down, be humble, be quiet, and learn. No matter how complex a problem seems, much of the time pride is at the root. When it comes to resistance in bed, having to bare her body for her husband strikes at her pride. Being in humbling positions, such as on her knees or bent over makes her feel attacked. Of course, something as profoundly serving as giving her husband head is an insult to her, because she is the one serving, and her husband is being gratified. All of this and more can make what should be an intimate, and very delightful experience in bed come across as demeaning. This same woman can learn to be sexually submissive, and also to enjoy that submission. She only needs to take the step down that is required to realize her place. To know she is her husband’s helper. To be quiet and soft inside, and let her husband lead. She will learn what a grand thing it is to please her husband, and to be desired by him. She will know the satisfaction of being soft in her heart and in her flesh. She will become a feminine treasure in his eyes, instead of a thorn in his flesh, and she will know her own excitement and pleasure when she pleases her man in bed. Hearing her man tell her — get on your knees — is no longer an insult. She knows she is losing nothing, but is gaining the warm embrace of submission.

Women also find trouble in submitting intimately because they fear certain acts. Either they want to reject doing those acts, or they do them hesitantly, and with little enthusiasm. This may include sex in general the first few times. It often includes a fear of giving head, and swallowing her man’s seed. Reluctance due to fear typically is something a wife overcomes without too much trouble, and with a little time and practice. She learns that her husband handles her body well, and won’t hurt her. She learns to grow more comfortable with the acts he desires, and learns to enjoy his smell. She may even enjoy his taste, but at least will know not to be afraid of it. She will learn she can give him head without choking, and if she does gag, what a minor and passing thing it is. She begins to fantasize about them herself. Her husband’s power in the marriage bed will be something she desires greatly. Overcoming these fears helps her to express herself with more passion in bed, and do much more to please her husband. So too it will help her to know how many wives do what she fears all the time, and have happy and loving homes. Men who introduce new acts in bed should appreciate this, and should know that a little reluctance at first is not a terrible sign. You grow together in bed as you do in a marriage. A man’s overall guidance, his instruction, will help her learn, and over time she’ll lose the resistance she may show in the moment.

Other women may show resistance to sexual submission due to simply being tired. While this may be a stereotypical excuse for women to reject their husband’s advances, it is not necessarily an intentional slight against him, but often is the realistic result of a wife’s busy lifestyle. She may have been up very early in the morning. She dealt with children all day. She may have been woken up three times in the middle of the night. However, despite real factors that can make a wife exhausted, a good wife will still seek to please her husband in bed when he desires. She knows it’s not too hard for her. She should not be looking for an excuse to pass on sex. Her husband has a right to her affections. A wife may ask him kindly if he can wait until she gets some rest, but she should not refuse if he insists. As a man married for many years, I find it best to be considerate if there is a legitimate reason, since no one likes to exert themselves much when they are physically wiped out. I generally let my wife wait until the following day if she is exhausted, unless I think she is exaggerating the problem, in which case I will insist. A wife should always approach the matter with gentle asking, and never with refusal

The factor of insecurity is a similar one to the factor of fear, which I’ve already spoken about. Insecure women sometimes have insecurities about intimacy, which manifest themselves either by resistance, or general lack of enjoyment in bed. A woman may be insecure about her body, or parts of her body. She may be insecure about how she looks making love, or even the sounds she makes. Such things are usually irrational, but they are a part of some women’s makeup. Like fears, most insecurities can be conquered with time and experience. Maturity helps as well. A husband naturally helps his wife overcome these obstacles, not only by daily leading her spiritually, but in showing his desire and appreciation for her. His words and actions should show her how treasured and beautiful she is. His leadership and strength also teach her that she doesn’t need to worry so much about herself, because he has things taken care of. Too much self-awareness helps lead to insecurity in the first place, and as she grows in maturity as a wife, she is looking to her husband and to God much more. She’s not worrying about herself. She will come to trust in her husband over time, and know there is no reason to hide anything from him. She can let go around her husband and be relaxed. She can release herself and let her husband see her innermost desires and passions. As long as there is a good connection between man and wife, with both physical and emotional intimacy, insecurities will fade with time.

Regular physical intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual, will help a wife over come any resistance or reluctance she may feel. That may be simply holding one another, giving a nice long back rub, or making love. The intimacy of bodies grows over time, until both man and wife are comfortable with each other, and filled with the sense of mutual belonging. There are no insecurities, or fears, or coldness, at least which could possibly put up any barriers between the couple. It is good for a man to keep his wife sexually submissive from early in marriage, and give her plenty of practice in giving herself to him. Her body will feel so completely his that thinking it to be autonomous will be ridiculous. She will open up to him with ease, and long to be filled by him, and serving him sexually will become normal to her.

Refusal of sex, or of sexual acts, is much more severe than mere resistance. Some women refuse purely for the purpose of getting something from their husband. Sex can become a tool for them if their husbands won’t bend. Once a husband accepts his wife’s refusal, she can use sex as a punishment or reward, in a wicked practice that turns the marital order upside down, simply with her body. If her husband gives her what she desires, on occasion she will give him sex. If he does not, he knows he will have sex refused, and be very pressured to give in. She may also use refusal out of her bitterness to punish her husband for doing something she did not like. It is a cudgel to use when she is angry. I have never had to deal with any of these atrocious practices in my marriage, but I have heard from a number of men who suffer such evil. This is, at its center, rebellion and sin. It is open warfare against her husband’s authority and the marital order. It extends far beyond the marriage bed too, since it seeks to usurp his authority throughout married life. A woman who is trying to manipulate her husband, whether in this manner or other manners, has to overcome this through true confession and repentance, as well as a renewal of her marital role as a wife. Her heart needs to be humbled and cleansed. She must understand she is trying to wrongly play the role of the man, and see the incredible harm it will cause. She must confess her wrong to her man, and to God, and ask forgiveness. A husband may legitimately punish his wife for such refusal. Her body is his to use rightly and enjoy. She is no more in charge of the marriage bed than she is in charge of the marriage. A good husband will be able to show her the evil of this behavior, as well as the harm which flows from it. There is surely an untold amount of adultery and divorce that stems directly from the rebellious refusal of sex, on top of the inner misery it causes to the home, and coldness and lack of joy in breeds.

One more thought about spanking, as it relates to our topic, is that spanking a wife in general helps to break down some of those barriers, whether emotional or physical. The intensity, the intimacy, and the trust of the spanking help get her past a great deal of resistance. All barriers are coming down. Being spanked is further an act of giving on her part, as she completely gives herself over to her lord to receive what he sees fit. These factors and others make spanking an experience that will help a wife overcome obstacles to her sexual submission and know profoundly whom her body belongs to. She learns to be open, to be receptive, and to place herself entirely in his hands.

In a marriage in which husband and wife know their roles, overcoming these obstacles becomes easier. Sadly, in many marriages there is little such knowledge and commitment. However, the man’s leadership, along with his wife’ response to it, can overcome any of these difficulties. A man certainly can discipline his wife if her resistance comes down to actual refusal. Nearly any submissive wife understands this. However, it would be unwise and unfair to treat any hesitance, or any poor performance as a cause to punish her. Those things are fairly minor, and they pass with time. He should deal with such minor obstacles simply through verbal instruction and gentle encouragement. Such methods are very effective, and many wives will learn through the gentle coaxing of their men. There may be a few who need firmer commands or who will respond to a warning. Punishment should only be for outright refusal of sex, and rejection of his verbal guidance. Sometimes it is the women who resist the most who are the ones who crave being put in their place. They know the battle will be over with their husband’s victory. They long to be taken powerfully by him. Then they can finally let go of themselves, and be led in their body, as in their soul. 


37 responses to “Overcoming Obstacles to Sexual Submission”

  1. I think the vast increase in women being economically independent and even breadwinners is part of what is driving the whole “orgasm problem” in women too. I was shocked beyond words to learn years ago that women couldn’t do it! I had never had that problem. For women, sex is an entirely different world. It requires opening up and literally being invaded. It takes a lot of trusting for a woman to really be passive and let go in a way that allows for her to feel intense pleasure. I don’t see how a woman can do that if she’s not relying on the man to lead and provider for her outside of the bedroom.

    Personally, I have always seen- just like you talk about in your writings- that what happens in bed mirrors the relationship that the woman has with her husband in the outside world. I trust and depend upon him for my very sustenance in real life and he is the leader in the relationship and provider, and so, in bed, it’s just natural to be submissive. Women were not made to be dominate, and the truth is that few women out there crave being dominant in bed- which is also why weak, unsuccessful, and submissive men have a difficult time with attracting women.

    Pleasure for women comes in submission and being docile and calm. And I can say that the most pleasurable sexual acts are the ones where he is in the most dominant, active, and powerful position. I have honestly never been able to feel sexual pleasure otherwise. If I get on top or something, that’s mainly just for his benefit. I don’t really get anything out of positions like that. But being literally overpowered and dominated is only pleasurable because of the security of knowing that I’m not being used. He’s the provider, protector, leader. I don’t have the control, but neither do I have his responsibility or even know much of anything about it.

    Pleasure comes in being that weak, helpless, fragile female, who is completely dependent upon the male, but who is also beautiful, loved, safe, and cherished, and only because I know he’s here for a lifetime completely committed and there for me any time when I’m calling out for him. Unlike as it common today with all these empowered feminist women, I know my husband wouldn’t do things in bed that cause pain or hurt me, either. Those things are not attractive, as I’m simply too frail and fragile for anything like that! My husband has to be gentle with me, and I find pleasure knowing that he’s being gentle with me because I’m a female, and that he’s intimately aware of how weak and helpless I am against him.

    1. You put it very beautifully. Thank you.

    2. This is interesting because I had never once had an orgasm from sex in 14 years before we started this a year ago. What a wonderful change that has been!

      1. It makes a difference. I am very happy for your big step forward.

  2. Hi Aron,
    I came into my marriage as a virgin although I already knew from difficulties with medical exams and so forth that I had a condition called vaginismus. It’s when a woman has an involuntary clenching of her vaginal muscles and can’t consciously relax them enough to have something easily inserted into her vagina. It causes great pain if something is rammed in there. I think a lot of Christians don’t know about this condition or that a man who is not gentle and patient with his wife can unwittingly make such a condition much worse, guaranteeing years of torture for his wife as the condition gets worse the more she experiences pain during sex, creating a vicious cycle.
    Thankfully my husband has always been super patient and gentle during sex, from the beginning. His motto was, “We have our whole lives to figure out how to get good at this together.”
    I love to submit to him sexually but he lets me be “in charge” a little in the beginning, letting me help guide him in and get us positioned correctly. Once we’re all together and in a good position I completely let go and he takes over, and I can relax and surrender completely.
    He saves the forcefulness for my paddlings. 😉

    1. Thank you for your comment, Reba. I have heard of that condition, which I know could make sex physically very difficult, if not impossible. It’s good that you both know how to deal with it.

  3. Glad Of Avatar

    A wife has many jobs. She is the main cook and cleaner, she deals with the children and turns a house into a home. All of those jobs however can be done by someone else. There are restaurants for food and maids for cleaning, kindergartens and schools for kids and there are always mothers and grandmothers willing to help. Daughters will help out their mothers in most of her tasks when they grow up and in this day and age, with women in the workplace, a husband is often willing to fire up a stove or drag a mop. With recent advances even childbearing can be taken care of with a test tube and a surrogate.
    There is however one task that falls to the wife and the wife alone. If we respect our fathers rules on masturbation and infidelity it falls solely to the wife to meet her husbands sexual needs. This makes that task a cornerstone in christian marriage and so it is in this task she must take the most care, effort and pride to be wifely and submit her mind, body and soul.

    1. That’s a very good point. A wife giving her body to her husband is a uniquely important job. Thank you.

  4. It is hard for me to read these sometimes. I don’t struggle much with submission in bed anymore, but submission in general is so deeply painful to me that I find it impossible to fathom enjoying it. I continue to do my best to submit to my husband because it is commanded of me by God, but I very much wish it wasn’t.

    1. Thank you for your comment, Lauren. Submission can be harder for some women than others. At heart it comes from letting go of pride, and of ego, and trusting another to lead. You can find much fulfillment in your husband’s leadership, care, and protection, but you have to let go of some things first.

      Remember, many people find righteousness itself very difficult, and only do it because God commands. It feels difficult in part because we want to hang onto the flesh, and do what our heart desires, which often is anything but righteous. That’s why Scripture doesn’t just tell us how to live ethically. It tells us — put the flesh to death. Let the old man die, and the new man live.

      There is much more satisfaction in following the Lord when we are not hanging on in our mind to the old. It takes work for all of us. Keep doing what is right, Lauren. There are treasures in heaven for it.


    2. Glad Of Avatar

      Read Mark 41-44. By giving tho it is hard to give, you give more than anybody else and Jesus loves you for it. Work on your attitude or not. That’s up to you. As long as you submit you can’t fail.

      1. Hi Glad! Do you mean Mark Chapter 12? That is exactly what I wanted to say. The widow’s mite.

        Lauren, how much more Heaven must rejoice in your smallest effort at submission, than in a lifetime of submission of one who finds it easy and natural!

        But I don’t agree with you, Glad, in it being optional to work on the attitude. You can obey with a poor attitude. But submission *is* an attitude.

        Blessings and love,


  5. aldenadam Avatar

    If a woman refuses to serve her husband in bed, or acts perfunctorily and insufficiently submissive, when should she be given her spanking punishment? In the moment or the next day?

    1. Hello, I only recommend discipline for sexual matters if a wife is refusing her husband in bed, which is very rare or nonexistent in a home in which a wife has embraced submission. She should know that refusal is not acceptable. If she simply is not performing extremely well, I believe a husband should rely on instruction and encouragement, and he will commonly find this effective.

      As far as when a spanking should be given, it is better that it doesn’t wait too long. If possible he should spank her immediately after the offense, and at the latest within one day. A little bit of a wait time isn’t a bad idea, as it gives her the chance to think about the consequences of her actions.

  6. So good to read this. My husband is still working on my sexual submission. I have never outright refused him but I am often reluctant in the married bed. My husband has a high sex drive and requires daily release. I am learning that my place is to submit to him when he asks and follow his lead in what he requires me to do. Tiredness is not an excuse my husband will accept. On the occasions that I ask for a rain check because I feel unwell, my husband decides if he thinks it is legitimate or not. There have been times he has told me that the illness is mild and therefore not reason to deny him sexually, and he has taken me in the bed. It’s all still a learning curve for me but I know that when my husband is satisfied sexually he is a much calmer and happier husband.

  7. We're talking about intimate things so...Anonymous Avatar
    We’re talking about intimate things so…Anonymous

    I’ve never struggled with submitting to my husband sexually, whether before I embraced marital submission in general or afterwards. For me, losing myself in submission to him in lovemaking is the best part of marriage. That said, I struggle with the comments below that this is the answer to women’s orgasm issues. I’ve never had an orgasm, from what I’ve read there are more mechanical things to figure out for that, g-spots and all that. Most of the time though I don’t concern myself with whether or not I figure out how to have one, I just enjoy being taken by my man however that pans out.
    Sometimes I wonder if there’s something I’m missing out on by not being forced to have sex more often than I want it, like I’d feel even more submissive if I had to do something I don’t want to do. But I’ve never not wanted to be taken by him. So it’s hard for me to relate to all that.

  8. Medical conditions, pain, and sexual trauma can play a role in a woman refusal to be intimate. The decision to be one with another is a huge step and if a man chooses to marry a woman, knowing fully that his potential partner struggles with the above issues, then should he not be patient or accepting that sexual touches can be difficult for such woman, let alone sexual intimacy?

    1. Thank you for your comment. Naturally those are all things to talk about between man and wife, with understanding. I believe in virtually any case those obstacles can be overcome with devotion and love.

  9. Wondering Avatar

    I will just say, I don’t necessarily agree with this post. I don’t totally disagree with all of it, and I’m sure it’s true for some people. But I know for a fact I want to be a good, submissive wife, but when it comes to :::ahem::: certain things in the bedroom, it’s not rebellion or unsubmissiveness that causes me to not be able to do it. I just have a mental block I can’t get past no matter what.

    I never realized women used sexual stuff as control over their husbands. That’s gross to me.

    But my issue: I think of it kind of like this: drinking alcohol. I’ve never done it, always thought of it as wrong to do. Now? I don’t think drinking alcohol is wrong, but I still can’t bring myself to do it. And it kind of feels like that. Just…nope…can’t.

    1. Hello Wondering, Thanks for your comment. I believe that kind of response is covered in the article generally under fears or self-consciousness. Many fears appear without any apparent reason behind them. We really can’t analyze them away. However, people overcome fears like that all the time, and I believe you can overcome them as well, with guidance from your husband. I am confident it’s not too hard for you. The mind can tell the body to act and it will act.

      By the way, when I was younger, I never liked alcohol. I had natural reaction against drinking it. However, out of curiosity, I forced by self to down some of it, so I could feel what if was like to be under its effects. I had to hold my breath and put it down quickly, and I thought it was gross, but I still did it. Now I drink moderately, from the kinds of alcohol that I enjoy.

      1. Anonymous Avatar

        I would say that this depends on what type of sexual activity “Wondering” is trying to avoid. (Wondering, I am not trying to get you to tell us here, I’m just trying to make a point ). What if , for example, her husband is trying to convince her to have anal sex? I know your thoughts on this, Aron, and every time it is brought up you point out that you do not condone anal sex, and that it has a chance to cause disease or injury and it’s just not a part of the body intended for sex, and I for one am very grateful that this is the position you have stated. I don’t know however, if you have said, or anyone here has said, that this falls under one of the things that a wife can respectfully refuse. In my church, we are taught that this is something that a submissive wife not only can but MUST refuse and gratefully, my husband feels the same way, and this act has never been part of our marriage. So it really depends on what her husband is asking her to do and it may not be as simple as applying mind over matter.

        1. My view on anal is that it is a bad idea. I discourage using it. However, I do not think it is a great enough matter to cause conflict over. A wife should advise her husband of the dangers, and ask him to respect her feelings. However, I don’t believe she should outright refuse if it comes down to it. My understanding of the previous comment is that it was simply something she has a mental block about doing, not something she morally objects to.

  10. Thank you for the great article. Sexual submission was very difficult for me for a long time and it had a serious impact on our marriage. My husband has a high sex drive and needs daily relief. I denied him so many times. Sometimes for months! Unimaginable today. I am so grateful to God for putting our marriage on the right track. My husband took the lead and found the core of the problem. I had a bad habit of masturbating frequently. We only had sex when I felt like it and asked for it. I’m so ashamed of it now. My husband taught me that he owns my body and decides whether and how I have sex. Once I’ve put the children to bed, I’m available every evening to provide whatever he needs now. It is no longer dependent on my mood. I’m usually very aroused, dreaming of his body, his cock and can’t wait for him to fill my body. If I’m not in the mood, I make it clear to myself that he still has the need and it’s not my decision. He has forbidden me to masturbate and he punishes me harshly if I cannot resist the temptation. Even though I know that masturbating – excluding him is damaging my marriage, I still find myself tempted from time to time. I almost try always to resist because I want to give him my pleasure. If I break the rule I am punished severely – it is the worst punishment he lets me take and I know it is necessary. Today our marriage couldn’t be more fulfilling – for both of us. I am still learning and my husband invests a lot of time and patience in my training for which I am deeply grateful to him.

    1. Thank you for your comment Jenna. That is such a great example of the success that comes with restoring the marital order, and with a man rightly using his authority. What often seems to be an intractable problem gets solved fairly quickly. Submitting to your man sexually really is a joy for both of you, and brings a deeper bond in marriage. You will be equally rewarded by your continual submission.

  11. mister504 Avatar

    Thanks for this post. I believe it covers a number of obstacles to full submission. There may be others. From my experience it takes patience and persistence to overcome obstacles such as insecurity or misplaced shame.

    Through encouragement and positive reinforcement my wife has moved from reluctance and a lack of confidence (for example giving head) to an attitude of willingness and is now responsive to my instructions. I will say that once a certain objective is achieved (e.g. acceptance of a new position, swallowing, etc.) there needs to be regular reinforcement of that so that she does not fall back into a comfort zone and lose the progress she has made. Once the new behavior has become habit new objectives can be set.

    She has learned not to refuse but that it her submission is necessary and a healthy part of our marriage. This attitude has permeated into other areas. I never force her if I believe she has a valid excuse.

    There is room for improvement but I am confident that she will make good progress as she has done in the past overcoming any mental blocks or false shame. The difference over a number of years has been significant. Before she would act as if she were doing me a favour and sex was a chore. Now I know she will respond attentively and diligently.

    I can see how pride does lead to reluctance when is comes to good performance, or obedience but I believe this can be overcome. I look forward to more breakthroughs in this area.

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience, and your observations. You are doing a very good job of moving your wife past any obstacles she feels, and other husbands can do the same. You just have to grind past any pride that is in the way, and the beautiful submissive wife will grow and she will shine through. As you describe, a wife can get past any reluctance, or lack of enthusiasm, to passionately embrace serving her husband in bed. There is much joy for both of you in it.

  12. Anonymous, as modesty and my husband demand Avatar
    Anonymous, as modesty and my husband demand

    A submissive woman must obey her husband as much in the bedroom as she does outside of it. God has designed her body and the very act of love making to serve as testament to a husband’s sovereign authority over her. Her body parts at his command. He insists. He penetrates. She can do nothing but open to him like a flower. To refuse his desire is to deny her womanhood and her role in their marriage. Refusal here should be punished as harshly as any other rebellion.

    Discipline is a hard pill for a woman to swallow. Necessary, but very painful and as a result, rightly feared. But submission in the marriage bed allows a disciplined wife to joyfully celebrate her husband’s strength. To feel her body sing with pleasure as it is molded by his hands. A good wife takes pride in knowing she has pleased her man well, and a good husband will reward her for her efforts. My own husband and I believe that God intended it this way. That all of the pain and tears a wife endures during her punishments, the days afterwards spent in penitence, with an ego as tender and bruised as her poor bottom, are rewarded in sexual service. Here, she can delight in his dominance, thrill at his command to bend over, strip, or drop to her knees. When she has misbehaved, these words might strike fear in her heart, but when she has been good, she receives the blessings of his flesh upon hers. Yes, she must set aside her ego, humbly obeying her man’s commands, but what woman doesn’t cherish her man’s touch, his desire for her, his loving attention? When he stands proud before you, openly displaying his desire for you, what better way to show him your appreciation than by worshipping his God-given body? This is a wonderful gift to a woman, to experience her husband’s dominance, his rough touch, his uncensored commands, while safely within his firm, loving embrace. How glorious to bare yourself to him fully, to be molded from within, bent until you feel you might break, but rather than feeling the sting of his belt, you are blessed with the most incredible pleasure!

    While husbands may take satisfaction in disciplining their wives, as they rightly should, her experience over his knee is not nearly as pleasant. Service to my husband, within the privacy of our marriage bed, allows me to enjoy his authority more fully than I am able to when I am being punished. Here, I can show him my respect, obedience, and submission in a joyful celebration of our love. Yes, it has also served as a way to strengthen my compliance, as not everything comes naturally to a pure bride, but overcoming awkwardness and accepting his commands has been an important part of my overall training as his wife. When I am serving him, we can both take pride in how well I have learned from his patient instruction. It is righteous and holy that he should mold me in this way.

    I would question the submission of a woman who refuses to serve her husband in any way he saw fit. Resisting service in the bedroom is paving the way for other types of disobedience, and I don’t think your husband should tolerate it another day. But also, as one woman to another, you really don’t know what you’re missing.

  13. Sometimes sex is physically pleasurable for me and sometimes it’s not, but I always feel pleasure from knowing that I’m giving pleasure to my husband by serving him. If I satisfy my husband then I feel fulfilled and purposeful. For me the mental part of intimacy is the most rewarding, knowing that when submitting to him I experience his pleasure.
    During sex I feel his raw strength and his hard physical power, and it reminds me that I am under a forceful man who protects and leads me. It’s a feeling that brings me comfort and peace.

  14. My wife and I have a wonderful CDD relationship for the most part. She regularly submits both in and outside the bedroom as it is our way of life. She is genuinely all I could ever hope for in a wife. However, a few weeks ago, she mentioned, very kindly and respectfully, that she would like for me to perform oral on her. She regularly gives me oral so I feel somewhat hypocritical saying this, but the idea of giving her oral is very distasteful to me. Am I within my rights as a HOH to refuse her this request?

    1. Hello Jake, That’s great you have such a wonderful relationship with your wife. Marriage when done right is a piece of paradise. As for your question, I believe it would be unfair to refuse your wife that kind of sexual attention. She has a right to your sexual affection, which is something that naturally should bring pleasure to her. If that’s the way she would most enjoy it, then it’s unfair to deny her. It is also the right thing to do simply as a matter of love, and wanting your wife to be happy and at peace. Even when in authority, we ought to give what it due to others, as well as lovingly look out for their good. I hope you can understand that, and respond in kind to your wife. Take care.

    2. harrymetwho Avatar

      You should want to. For her joy as she does for you.

  15. Darcy NH Avatar

    Aron, it can be so difficult for women to make the switch in their brains from believing sex is sinful to being joyfully available. For me it was hard to not feel like I was fornicating sinfully on my wedding night. Even though I knew that sex within the bonds of marriage is holy, I had just spent eighteen years as a virgin and expecting my brain to switch from ‘fornication’ to ‘marital sex’ was not something that happened naturally. I couldn’t enjoy sex which made my new husband distraught! I finally had to be honest with him after a month where I felt panicked about having sex, even though I made myself available for him. It helped to talk it through and to pray about it together. He also recommended I talk to my mother and that really helped as well! It seems this is a common problem for women who have been raised in Christian households that forbid premarital contact. I would recommend husbands be patient with their virginal wives. Allow for the wedding night to be kissing and cuddling and some petting without getting into penetration right away. A wife who is able to orgasm and who feels protected by her husband will be happier to submit to him sexually. I am pleased that I have provided my husband sexual release whenever he requests it. We have only ever abstained during post-birth periods of 40 days after I birthed a boy and 80 days after I birthed a girl. (We have six children, three of each, with another girl on the way in four months!)

    1. Thank you for your comment. Congratulations on all of your children, and your coming baby. God bless you.

    2. Hello Darcy. I was wondering about your periods of abstinence following childbirth. Do you provide release for your husband during those times? Either through oral sex or hand sex? My husband and I waited the six weeks required by doctors instead of the biblical rule, but I performed oral sex several times until then. I’ve never known anyone who followed those biblical rules and I am very curious about it. I hope you are not offended that I ask but I am just curious. God Bless you and congratulations of another arrow in your husband’s quiver.

  16. Outside of a medical issue, I would think there is no obstacle to use to stop my husband from becoming one with me sexually as we were intended. We are there together in the marital bed and to me it’s a given that I am available and he doesn’t need to ask. Asleep, awake, tired: as a submissive woman, I want to be taken when he’s wanting it and his starting things up will usually put me into an excited state. I would not want to be able to say no without a good medical reason. I fear I would use excuses unnecessarily and maybe secretly hope he overcomes me anyway. It seems like it would damage the relationship and lead to resentment and division. If it’s about special types of relations which require unusual efforts, I can see a possible resistance to some things all the time but even with that, would urge the woman to try to please because these things have a way of having their own life and causing unnecessary problems. All of this resentment and problems are taken away if the understanding from the beginning is that you are his to take sexually and you open up and show him an appreciative response to his taking you. And if you want it before he tries, there are many ways to spark that flame too and in a healthy relationship I would expect him to respond and start things up too.

  17. His-bride-Lauren Avatar

    I have shed a lot of tears over my shortcomings in this area. Of course I would never refuse to do my duty, but there are times when I just feel that I can’t keep up with my husband’s sex drive, physically or emotionally.

    Sometimes I am not as enthusiastic in bed as he would like, which makes him feel unappreciated and that I am not fully committed to his leadership. I am very committed to his headship and in the 3 years of our marriage I have tried my best to serve him submissively and humbly. Of course I fall short at times, but I really do try so hard. Outside of the bedroom I work on my attitude every day. No matter how I feel, I make sure I’m being cheerful for him, because he does not like me to be mopey, of course. I cook, clean, love and obey. And I am happy to do so, and to submit to his will.

    But in bed I do struggle. He wants sex one or two times a day. I struggle to keep up with this. I do it, because it’s my duty, but sometimes I don’t enjoy it and really need a break. On these occasions I am not very enthusiastic (I don’t make noise, fail to move as much as I ought to when he’s inside me, require a lot of lube, because I can’t get wet, etc). Naturally that makes him feel unloved and unappreciated. It makes him angry and disappointed with me. It shows him that I am not the submissive wife I ought to be, which upsets us both dreadfully. I know the fault lies with me, but I just don’t know how to change it. My stomach is in knots just writing this comment, I feel so disappointed with myself. I truly don’t know how to change.

    The only comparison I can think of is if you have had a huge meal and are not at all hungry, but then someone tries to make you eat. You can’t just make yourself hungry, so of course you are not so enthusiastic eating the second meal. I can’t just switch on a sexual appetite, no matter how much I know it’s my duty to please him. These occasions, where we have sex, but I am unenthusiastic and ungrateful to be taken by him, are the main issue in our marriage. I feel like I am failing him and I am failing god. We have sex around 10 times per week on average and I am unenthusiastic and just awful for around 10% of this.

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Hello Lauren, It sounds like you are trying your best, especially if you say you are unenthusiastic in only about 10% of your intimate times together. Just do your best to please your husband, and to put your heart into it. I don’t believe perfection is possible. Your husband will be understanding if there are a few times when you are not fully into sex with him. That happens to everyone, even those who do not do it as frequently as your husband does. When he’s older, it will be less often, and you may miss that.

      If you are truly fatigued from work, he may understand and be willing to give you a break until later. If there’s one thing I’d suggest, as far as your being enthusiastic with your husband, is that he be verbal with you during sex. He may give you encouragement, instructions, or praise while you are having intimacy, and this might make it easier to put your heart into it. Talking during sex can be quite a spark for both man and wife, when it’s done right. I expect my wife to please me when we are together, but I do not expect 100% energy all of the time. I do my best to motivate her too, but if she’s tired, she’s tired, and I will enjoy it either way.

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