The marriage bed is one area where fewer women have trouble submitting. It’s more likely that women desire to yield to their husband’s strength here than anywhere else. The woman’s yielding in the marriage bed should merely picture her yielding to her husband in their marriage each day, but do so more deeply and personally. Many women crave to be told what to do in bed. Her body is virtually built for it. Other women find submission of the sexual form difficult nonetheless. Wives refuse to have sex in order to get what they want, or to get back at their husbands. Others are reluctant by instinct, somehow not wanting to give in to an imposition. The obstacles that may appear to sexual submission are at times similar to those of the non-sexual kinds, but others are unique to sexual intimacy. If she has not learned it already, learning submission in bed will be one of the strongest ways for her to embrace submission elsewhere. Overcoming any obstacles will help greatly to keep the home a happy one.
One reason some wives reject submission to their husbands in bed is because they have learned a sense of independence. Getting married was simply not enough to get them to lose that sense. They have learned it either as a matter of habit, living an independent life, or a matter of ideology, being told it’s wrong to do what their man tells them to do, and at times both factors are at play. A sense of independence is to some degree natural early in marriage, since you have not lived with the person before, and you are used to your own life habits. You easily step on each other’s toes. But in becoming one flesh, one loses that independence step by step. A wife learning sexual submission needs to know she is not her own separate being anymore. She is part of her husband, and one flesh with him. Her life is not ordered by her desires or her will, but it is ordered by her husbands’ leadership, to which she submits her own desires and will. This will be easier to learn if a woman is a sincere Christian, since a sincere Christian has already learned to make their will subordinate to God’s will. They have already learned to let God take away unneeded or rotten parts of their life to replace it with others. Pride is already dissipating. In marriage then, she has to let the same principle come into play. She needs to let her own will follow her husband’s will, and seek to help to do his will with the resources she has. She turns her knowledge and strength over to helping him. Once she has acquired this mindset, submission will not be difficult, and there will be no motivation to resist in the marriage bed. She learns it’s not her body anymore. She learns she hands over all of herself piece by piece to her husband. She can’t hang onto it for herself.
Pride is another reason that women may have difficulty with sexual submission, or reject it entirely. Pride is related to independence, but is distinct from it. Not only do women with pride not like being told what to do, but women with pride at times find sexual submission to be overly humbling for them. It strikes at their grand sense of self, and makes them feel small. Many women who have difficulty in marriage have that one simple problem to work on — learning simply to step down, be humble, be quiet, and learn. No matter how complex a problem seems, much of the time pride is at the root. When it comes to resistance in bed, having to bare her body for her husband strikes at her pride. Being in humbling positions, such as on her knees or bent over makes her feel attacked. Of course, something as profoundly serving as giving her husband head is an insult to her, because she is the one serving, and her husband is being gratified. All of this and more can make what should be an intimate, and very delightful experience in bed come across as demeaning. This same woman can learn to be sexually submissive, and also to enjoy that submission. She only needs to take the step down that is required to realize her place. To know she is her husband’s helper. To be quiet and soft inside, and let her husband lead. She will learn what a grand thing it is to please her husband, and to be desired by him. She will know the satisfaction of being soft in her heart and in her flesh. She will become a feminine treasure in his eyes, instead of a thorn in his flesh, and she will know her own excitement and pleasure when she pleases her man in bed. Hearing her man tell her — get on your knees — is no longer an insult. She knows she is losing nothing, but is gaining the warm embrace of submission.
Women also find trouble in submitting intimately because they fear certain acts. Either they want to reject doing those acts, or they do them hesitantly, and with little enthusiasm. This may include sex in general the first few times. It often includes a fear of giving head, and swallowing her man’s seed. Reluctance due to fear typically is something a wife overcomes without too much trouble, and with a little time and practice. She learns that her husband handles her body well, and won’t hurt her. She learns to grow more comfortable with the acts he desires, and learns to enjoy his smell. She may even enjoy his taste, but at least will know not to be afraid of it. She will learn she can give him head without choking, and if she does gag, what a minor and passing thing it is. She begins to fantasize about them herself. Her husband’s power in the marriage bed will be something she desires greatly. Overcoming these fears helps her to express herself with more passion in bed, and do much more to please her husband. So too it will help her to know how many wives do what she fears all the time, and have happy and loving homes. Men who introduce new acts in bed should appreciate this, and should know that a little reluctance at first is not a terrible sign. You grow together in bed as you do in a marriage. A man’s overall guidance, his instruction, will help her learn, and over time she’ll lose the resistance she may show in the moment.
Other women may show resistance to sexual submission due to simply being tired. While this may be a stereotypical excuse for women to reject their husband’s advances, it is not necessarily an intentional slight against him, but often is the realistic result of a wife’s busy lifestyle. She may have been up very early in the morning. She dealt with children all day. She may have been woken up three times in the middle of the night. However, despite real factors that can make a wife exhausted, a good wife will still seek to please her husband in bed when he desires. She knows it’s not too hard for her. She should not be looking for an excuse to pass on sex. Her husband has a right to her affections. A wife may ask him kindly if he can wait until she gets some rest, but she should not refuse if he insists. As a man married for many years, I find it best to be considerate if there is a legitimate reason, since no one likes to exert themselves much when they are physically wiped out. I generally let my wife wait until the following day if she is exhausted, unless I think she is exaggerating the problem, in which case I will insist. A wife should always approach the matter with gentle asking, and never with refusal.
The factor of insecurity is a similar one to the factor of fear, which I’ve already spoken about. Insecure women sometimes have insecurities about intimacy, which manifest themselves either by resistance, or general lack of enjoyment in bed. A woman may be insecure about her body, or parts of her body. She may be insecure about how she looks making love, or even the sounds she makes. Such things are usually irrational, but they are a part of some women’s makeup. Like fears, most insecurities can be conquered with time and experience. Maturity helps as well. A husband naturally helps his wife overcome these obstacles, not only by daily leading her spiritually, but in showing his desire and appreciation for her. His words and actions should show her how treasured and beautiful she is. His leadership and strength also teach her that she doesn’t need to worry so much about herself, because he has things taken care of. Too much self-awareness helps lead to insecurity in the first place, and as she grows in maturity as a wife, she is looking to her husband and to God much more. She’s not worrying about herself. She will come to trust in her husband over time, and know there is no reason to hide anything from him. She can let go around her husband and be relaxed. She can release herself and let her husband see her innermost desires and passions. As long as there is a good connection between man and wife, with both physical and emotional intimacy, insecurities will fade with time.
Regular physical intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual, will help a wife over come any resistance or reluctance she may feel. That may be simply holding one another, giving a nice long back rub, or making love. The intimacy of bodies grows over time, until both man and wife are comfortable with each other, and filled with the sense of mutual belonging. There are no insecurities, or fears, or coldness, at least which could possibly put up any barriers between the couple. It is good for a man to keep his wife sexually submissive from early in marriage, and give her plenty of practice in giving herself to him. Her body will feel so completely his that thinking it to be autonomous will be ridiculous. She will open up to him with ease, and long to be filled by him, and serving him sexually will become normal to her.
Refusal of sex, or of sexual acts, is much more severe than mere resistance. Some women refuse purely for the purpose of getting something from their husband. Sex can become a tool for them if their husbands won’t bend. Once a husband accepts his wife’s refusal, she can use sex as a punishment or reward, in a wicked practice that turns the marital order upside down, simply with her body. If her husband gives her what she desires, on occasion she will give him sex. If he does not, he knows he will have sex refused, and be very pressured to give in. She may also use refusal out of her bitterness to punish her husband for doing something she did not like. It is a cudgel to use when she is angry. I have never had to deal with any of these atrocious practices in my marriage, but I have heard from a number of men who suffer such evil. This is, at its center, rebellion and sin. It is open warfare against her husband’s authority and the marital order. It extends far beyond the marriage bed too, since it seeks to usurp his authority throughout married life. A woman who is trying to manipulate her husband, whether in this manner or other manners, has to overcome this through true confession and repentance, as well as a renewal of her marital role as a wife. Her heart needs to be humbled and cleansed. She must understand she is trying to wrongly play the role of the man, and see the incredible harm it will cause. She must confess her wrong to her man, and to God, and ask forgiveness. A husband may legitimately punish his wife for such refusal. Her body is his to use rightly and enjoy. She is no more in charge of the marriage bed than she is in charge of the marriage. A good husband will be able to show her the evil of this behavior, as well as the harm which flows from it. There is surely an untold amount of adultery and divorce that stems directly from the rebellious refusal of sex, on top of the inner misery it causes to the home, and coldness and lack of joy in breeds.
One more thought about spanking, as it relates to our topic, is that spanking a wife in general helps to break down some of those barriers, whether emotional or physical. The intensity, the intimacy, and the trust of the spanking help get her past a great deal of resistance. All barriers are coming down. Being spanked is further an act of giving on her part, as she completely gives herself over to her lord to receive what he sees fit. These factors and others make spanking an experience that will help a wife overcome obstacles to her sexual submission and know profoundly whom her body belongs to. She learns to be open, to be receptive, and to place herself entirely in his hands.
In a marriage in which husband and wife know their roles, overcoming these obstacles becomes easier. Sadly, in many marriages there is little such knowledge and commitment. However, the man’s leadership, along with his wife’ response to it, can overcome any of these difficulties. A man certainly can discipline his wife if her resistance comes down to actual refusal. Nearly any submissive wife understands this. However, it would be unwise and unfair to treat any hesitance, or any poor performance as a cause to punish her. Those things are fairly minor, and they pass with time. He should deal with such minor obstacles simply through verbal instruction and gentle encouragement. Such methods are very effective, and many wives will learn through the gentle coaxing of their men. There may be a few who need firmer commands or who will respond to a warning. Punishment should only be for outright refusal of sex, and rejection of his verbal guidance. Sometimes it is the women who resist the most who are the ones who crave being put in their place. They know the battle will be over with their husband’s victory. They long to be taken powerfully by him. Then they can finally let go of themselves, and be led in their body, as in their soul.
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