Leading Her with Words

I emphasize throughout this manual that spanking your wife is only a tool in leading her. It is not what leading is all about. To make spanking the main way of guiding your wife would be imbalanced and leave her wanting. The daily, regular way of leading, and correcting is with words. Words reach her mind, touch her soul, and guide her to your will. That’s one reason I emphasize lecturing during a spanking — to reach her on a level beyond the pain of the discipline, or the fear of it. Verbal guidance is a part of your teaching to her and works together with chastisement.

We can remember that the Lord God uses words to lead His special people, often in great detail, often in command. He spoke to the prophets, and in the case of Moses — face to face. We have the words of the Bible to lead us to do His will and deeply understand His character, obeying them as we obey God. The Savior is called the Word made flesh, being the mind and full expression of the divinity. The Word that makes the unseen real. God can call something by name and it belongs to Him. He spoke words and all of the vast creation sprung into being. We need to know that the greatest power in our leading, and the depth of it, lies in our spoken words.

On a daily basis, you should be communicating your praise, and your confidence in your submissive wife. The work you need her to do, or the instructions you need to give her, do not need to be forceful or threatening in any way. They are simply your gentle instructions to her. They should reflect both what you need her to do, and your character. Everything you say to your helpmate daily is a part of shaping her and helping her grow. It teaches her to know your will and your character, and also to trust in you, and feel comfortable relying on your guidance. You should be aware of every word and its purpose for her. You should speak them with sincere intent of your heart. She is following you and that is how she knows your will.

You further correct your wife with words when you must. Most verbal correction for minor things is gentle. It teaches her where the problem lies, and what she needs to do. It should come with your encouragement, and understanding. When her behavior is more reflective of a poor attitude, or lack of care in her responsibilities, it calls for a firmer correction, or possibly a warning of punishment. I find my wife can respond well to a firm correction, which sometimes comes in the form of a sit-down talk. I will use warnings also, if a problem seems to be escalating. Letting her know she is going to be in trouble if she continues carries power with her. As I can’t stop saying, the sound spankings you give her help these verbal corrections and warnings to be effective. She knows that there is a line she should not step over. She knows that warnings are not vain and that she needs to step away from the edge. I think of all the households with constant friction, fighting, or lack of respect for the husband, and I know that good, clear verbal correction would help much of this go away, just as spankings do. They settle the sea, and help keep a wife in her place.

A good verbal correction can also come with an explanation of what she needs to do to correct the behavior in the future. She might not really have a good idea of how. I gave my wife a verbal correction for raising her voice, and being emotional with me, and I let her know this: if she truly feels she doesn’t have the self-control to speak as soft as she should, the simple thing to do is keep quiet, and wait until a better time to express what she wants in the future. Just keep quiet is the answer. This also gives her time to think about what she will say and decide more wisely. She seemed to understand that, and I know she will try and do it in the future, if her emotions start to take hold.

As with a punishment, you may find that verbal corrections will bring her to tears. Non-spanking guidance can be humbling, and it can be frustrating for her to not get what she wants. So you need to be prepared to correct through tears, as you do when spanking her. Explain firmly, and calmly the way things need to work. That she is under your authority, and you will correct her. She should show that same regret and compliance to you during a verbal correction as she does during a spanking. If you don’t see it, continue to correct her and show her the way. Do not back down. Verbal corrections are not irrelevant, but have significant importance in her learning to yield to you and to submit gently. Be firm with her and do not end until you are satisfied you have corrected her and she’s learned.

Leading a wife with words can also come in the form of a formal session. I will sometimes do a verbal correction which bears similarity to a spanking session. She needs to be undressed, kneeling, and may need to spend time in the corner. She needs to address me as sir. She needs to show that she regrets her behavior, understand how wrong and harmful it is, and is prepared fully to right her behavior in the future. She should be committed to her submission and to reverencing her man. I may punctuate this message by having her write lines about what her future behavior needs to be.

I also use verbal sessions not only for correction, but for review and self-reflection. If I think my wife  needs to be attentive to her role, but is not in need of chastisement, I will have a time with her in which we go over her past week or so — has she taken care of her work, has her attitude been soft and submissive, is there anything she must improve on? I actually let her do much of the talking in this case, so she can look at and explain her own behavior to me. It gives her a chance to regard her own work and check for any problems or need for improvement. She can also examine what she must do in the coming week. I lead this session, but let her explain how she thinks she is doing and what she must improve on. I find this verbal session helps her focus on both practical things such as her responsibilities, as well as the essentials of her attitude, which is her being fully submitted to me.

There is always the question of knowing when it is right to correct with words, and when she needs a spanking. Naturally, much of this is subjective, and comes down to your system and your personal insight. Spankings are best relegated for serious offenses, or repeated ones. Some husbands also use spanking as training when they see it is needed. I would keep verbal correction as a general form of guidance, for minor offenses or when you see she is slipping a little and needs to take her role more seriously. Some behavior is borderline — such as when her speech becomes disrespectful, or when sharing thoughts becomes argument — but you be careful to make that call. Spanking is definitely warranted if a wife is truly stepping out of line, but not all wrong behavior or mistakes reflect a desire on her part to do so.

One of the best things about knowing your power with words, is that it keep the constant dynamic of headship and submission in action. Headship and submission is not all about harsh correction or spanking, but is your leadership and her yielding. Much of the time this amount to feeding her with guidance and praise, or a simple coming aside her and showing her how something needs to be rightly done. It does not need to come with any warning at all. It also comes with an ability to firmly correct her  with words, with a full knowledge of why she has done wrong, and an explanation of how she can do right. She should know you have confidence that she can do it, and will do it for you. She is your wife, and will follow where you lead. Regularly using words to lead her keeps her engaged to your will and remembering her position and role. It keeps her regularly following you, and accepting simple correction of her missteps. She does not forget who is leading, and can learn a greater trust in your together with learning more deeply your care and your love. You should not let spankings do all the work of leadership and correction.

Knowing how much of your leadership comes with language will help you in lecturing your wife when you do need to spank her. Since you have been teaching her, understanding her, seeing her learn over time, a lecture is just a harder and corrective talk during a spanking. It continues where you left off. It will not seem abrupt or out of place. You will also see more clearly how the strap is just a tool in your hand, to assist your words in getting through. It is not the whole of your teaching to her, or the whole of your discipline for her. The humbling, vulnerability, and pain of being spanked are just there to bring power to your words, ones she’s sadly ignored. I like to say you Speak to Her Soul during a spanking. Remember, that is what you are doing with your beloved daily, but now you have assistance in correcting her with the strap. You speak to her ears and you speak to her backside. Your words during a spanking will penetrate more deeply, and stick with her longer. Then she will turn to be more attentive to you daily.

In sum, verbal leading can include:

Daily praise and encouragement


Gentle verbal correction
Firm, verbal correction
Warnings of discipline
Non-spanking discipline session

Behavior review and self-reflection

Lecturing during a spanking


10 responses to “Leading Her with Words”

  1. […] Her is Critical:This problem like others occurs when discipline is relied upon too much. Our main communication should neither be critical nor corrective. Our main communication to our wives is to express love, […]

  2. […] help you in any projects, work in which she will be under your oversight. You will be giving her instructions and guidance of all kinds as your helper, and this will help mold her to your […]

  3. […] calling card of her man’s authority helps her to be responsive to me, and very attentive to what I say. It also helps her consider her actions if a temptation to return to the same behavior comes along […]

  4. […] do not feel led. Often they have nothing to follow. My wife knows she is led, and experiences my clear guidance regularly. While I may give advice and encouragement, I also set rules and those rules need to be […]

  5. […] about what men need to learn about spanking. It’s really about what men need to learn about their leadership in the home, so they can later see how spanking falls into place. I write it especially because of […]

  6. […] endure several early in our marriage for this reason. With minor and passing problems I certainly use talking and verbal correction, but where I see stronger bad habits or bad attitudes, I prefer giving her a […]

  7. […] and wants, and is willing to hear her godly thoughts and advice also. A husband gives her gentle instruction, and gives verbal correction for many things that might go wrong. They enjoy time together. They […]

  8. […] she will be in trouble. She’s had to deal with hard spankings, and knows it is better to listen to my words and respond to them. I expect you will see some of the same result, and find that words and […]

  9. Sophia Avatar

    Before my husband and I were wed, I was very focused on my need for physical discipline. I ached for a strong presence in my life that would keep me on the right track and punish me when I strayed. I just knew that God wanted this for me or He wouldn’t have made my desire so strong. I spent many hours imagining the depth of my husband’s love during our future discipline sessions and the degree of sacrifice I was prepared to offer him. A blistered bottom as a sign of my love and devotion to him, joyfully reminding me of our intimate, sacred bond as my tender flesh smarts and begins to heal in the days afterward. I was so eager for his hand!

    Now that we are married, and I have been properly spanked more times than I can count, the physical pain is no longer what I crave (it’s hard to believe I ever did). Don’t get me wrong, I still need spankings, and I’ve earned every one I’ve ever gotten. They truly calm me (after some cool down time), humble me, and help me reconnect with God and my husband as a faithful servant to them both. Pain is a necessary part of this process, and I’ve yet to go more than a month without getting paddled. But what I long for in our life today, and what my loving husband never fails to provide, is the power of his guidance, his words, his direction.

    In this special time before we are joined by our first child, my husband carves out time to give me loving instruction and feedback each evening, with longer conversations on the weekend. Sometimes it’s only a few minutes, but I enjoy kneeling before him, looking up at him, and honoring his special position in my life. He’s taught me to be a better wife, and I am learning more each day about how to please him. Whether or not I’ve earned a spanking, this time reminds us of our duties to one another (mine to listen and obey, his to lead and correct), and it’s become something I look forward to each day. It’s a much more gentle routine than the regular maintenance spankings I had envisioned, but surely it’s also a sign of my growth as a woman. I should heed my husband’s words, learn to see his spankings as something to avoid, and crave his approval more than his punishment. The beauty in this type of marriage is the awesome headship and protection which the husband provides. Knowing I’ll be punished if I disobey is part of it, but that beautiful bond between man and wife will still be there, even if I need correction less often.

    It may sound silly that I used to worry about what would happen to our bond if I was spanked less often, but I did. I especially worried about going the full nine months of pregnancy without correction. What if I picked up bad habits or hurt our marriage in some way? If I earn a correction, he should give it to me. He can’t just let it go. Luckily, that hasn’t been an issue for us. I’ve earned a few since we learned of our blessing, and my husband was as firm as ever, but also very attentive. He’s much more quick to give me small breaks, though the overall length/number seems about the same as it usually is. Afterwards, he insists I lie down and brings me hot tea. I’m still harshly punished, but more loved and cherished than ever. Does that even make sense?

    Anyway, I hadn’t intended to share so much. I’m just coming to appreciate more and more each day how my husband’s words and his leadership anchor our marriage. His punishments are an important part of it, yes, but he shows me his wondrous strength in so many other ways. I am in awe of his love for me and his delicate care in training me as his wife.

    And thank you, Aron, for encouraging all of the men out there to show their wives the same brave leadership that you do. Blessings to you and your sweet wife!

  10. What “better lady” said is so true, words do loop over and over in our minds for hours, both the words themselves and the spirit and tone in which they were delivered. Our husbands speaking to us in a voice of confident authority would be something that prior to embracing submission I would feel somehow duty bound by the culture to resist, even as my inner being would be strongly moved and crave to give in. But a voice of a husband speaking with authority is as the voice of the Lord thundering in the heavens, and the Earth trembles at the sound of his voice, just as a wife’s heart melts and rushes like water to submit to his sound. Thinking of this reminds me of an old secular song, “with his words, filling my whole heart, with his words, killing me softly, with his words.” I don’t think men are always aware of the power they hold, and they allow themselves to be sucked into arguments, until instinctually on some occasion they speak boldly and directly to a wife of her place.

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