The Duty of the Marriage Bed

This online manual is purposed to give guidance and advise about marital spanking. A spanking is one part of a discipline system, which is only one part of the husband’s leadership, which is only one large part of marriage as a whole. So while I write here on disciplining your wife, I also want to speak of other facets of marriage that are connected. For if you really think about it, each element within marriage feeds into the others, and draws from the others strength and benefit. We can see that other parts of the marriage relationship give more life to authority and submission, and naturally to the smooth working of a discipline system.

One subject I have to bring up, since it is such a common failure in marriage, is marital intimacy. The fact that husband and wife should be uniting regularly in the marriage bed. I think it is a pressing topic, since I hear from so many people — personal friends, colleagues, and souls I have counseled online — that often marital intimacy stops happening. Either the man, the wife, or both are rejecting the other’s desire for sex. Often, it is one single partner who is refusing to share their body, often causing great harm to the relationship, and emotional pain to the other which is ongoing. This is very sad to me, and thoroughly against what marriage is by its nature.

I also think of the harm caused by rejecting affection. It is clear from 1 Corinthians 7:2 and 7:9 that one of the practical purposes of marriage is in lessening the danger of lust. Being married helps prevent fornication before marriage. It channels that desire into something better and safer, which will benefit all society. The free sharing of bodies also helps prevent adultery in marriage. Each man has his own wife to enjoy and take pleasure in. (Proverbs 5:15-23) When a partner is refusing the other, especially if it’s the wife refusing the husband, it greatly increases the chances of adultery, among other things. It also sets a course for resentment, bitterness, and emotional distance between man and wife. While the best thing to do may be to forgive, it is still normal and common for a spouse to become resentful, and harden themselves toward the party who is wronging them. It is especially frustrating for the man, who has stronger sexual desire, and who is simultaneously having his authority disrespected. This strikes at the core design of marriage, with man as the head, and makes him look like not the head at all, but one who can be ignored and dismissed. It is harmful for this and many other reasons.

Marriage is the uniting of two into one flesh, or one body. (Genesis 2:24) When we unite at our wedding, and say our vows, we no longer have complete autonomy over our bodies. They belong to our spouse as well. My body belongs to my wife. My wife’s belongs to me. In Scripture, apostle Paul is explicit in instructing that both man and wife have a true duty to share their bodies in bed, and literally “defraud” the other if they refuse. The only time that man and wife should avoid intimacy is when they have mutually decided to fast for spiritual purposes. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) Otherwise, withholding your body is akin to fraud — you did no deliver what you promised, you withhold what you rightfully owe the other.

While there may be multiple reasons, spiritual or emotional, why a man or wife would desire to withhold their body, each partner needs to understand they have an obligation to give their spouse affection, and do so out of obedience. They do not do so just because they feel like it. They do so because it is required of them. Their body is not their own, but their spouse’s. This is a truth which revolts many contemporary souls, because it grates against their vision of complete freedom and autonomy. It further grates against their feminism, which simply cannot imagine a woman undressing for her husband just because he desires her body. Yet we are not completely free and autonomous individuals — that would be ridiculous — and it is natural and good for a woman to give herself when her husband desires. She belongs to him.

There are men who also have problems with this teaching, but not because of contemporary values. They have a problem because they know that they are the authority in the home, so it sounds contrary to that truth, and threatening, that their wife could have a right to their body when she desires. Nevertheless, this is true. People in authority have real responsibilities to their subjects under them. Just as a husband has real responsibility to love his wife, be faithful to her, provide for her, and protect her, he also has a responsibility to share affection in bed with her. She may not be able to command it, because she is the submissive partner, but she can request his sexual attention, and reasonably expect to receive it. Just as you can request one of your days off from you boss, and expect to receive it, she can also request what belongs to her and expect to receive it. It’s owed to her in the first place. So I tell men the same thing I tell women — it doesn’t matter if you feel like it or not. It is your moral duty, and you need to share intimacy with your wife.

Imagine if we placed the oddball ideas of absolute freedom onto other relationships, and see what would happen. What if my boss said I needed to be to work on time and I told him — I don’t really feel like it. I’ll get there whenever I get there? Can you imagine that? And what if I came to receive my weekly paycheck, and my boss said — I really don’t feel like paying you this week, you’ve been annoying me too much, try back next week and you might get paid? That would be truly ridiculous wouldn’t it? So too it is ridiculous for man and wife to play those kinds of selfish games with each other. The marriage bed does not come down to our feelings, it comes down to obligation. If you are withholding from your partner, you need to stop, and give them what you owe them.

Many people will think to ask — well what if there is an illness, or if one party is completely beat from a long day. This is a normal question and a common situation. The fact is, couples work those things out all the time with love. If one person is truly exhausted, it is common for the other to accept a raincheck, even though they don’t truly have to. It’s just the considerate thing to do if it’s only a short-term wait. If one spouse is ill, the other doesn’t usually want to get sick too, and will let sex wait for a short while. But the fact is, when we recognize our duties to our spouse, it is fairly rare that we ask them kindly to wait, since we desire to fulfill our obligation for them. We are not looking for any excuses not to. When my wife has been up all night with the kids, and is obviously wiped out, I generally understand if she wants a raincheck for the next night. However, if I don’t think her tiredness is that serious, and I insist on sex, she will respect that, because I am her husband and she knows that she belongs to me. She would never think of simply telling me no. She will give herself to me.

Sharing bodies between man and wife is essential in marriage. It is a part of what unites us spiritually and emotionally, and it brings about a core purpose of marriage, which is bearing children whom we will raise and teach the faith to. It’s not a mere pleasure. It’s not an extra. It’s not optional. Sex in marriage is central to the union. This touches also upon the main purpose of my discipline manual, since unity between man and wife help them function in their roles — it helps them in leading and in submitting. Both the unity in the sex act, and the power and yielding present between man and wife, aid in us fulfilling our roles. I have written at some length on how sex aids in submission, and I emphasize here how it harms that relationship when it is rejected, or just does not occur. Man and wife should be affectionate and physically close. Even when they are not touching in the marriage bed, they should share embraces, and physical touch. It helps the man to give himself completely as the leader of the wife. It helps the wife to give herself completely as the helper of her husband. It battles any apathy, coldness, and bitterness, and draws them close together again.


43 responses to “The Duty of the Marriage Bed”

  1. In a Christian marriage in my view, a wife never has any right to refuse her husband intimacy, she is under his authority and must submit in all things. This is quite different than non-Christian marriages where wives sometime control their husbands by denial of intimacy. Such marriages are never happy. On the other hand, with great authority comes great responsibility. A Christian wife has a right to ask her husband respectfully and submissively, for a legitimate reason, to be excused from her duty to submit to her husband sexually. She may feel ill, she may have some emotional issue, a wise Christian husband does well to consider his wife’s request, her well being is his responsibility. And if he knows his wife is not feeling well or is suffering some emotional trauma he should be wise enough not to put her in a position where she has to make such a request, for a well-trained Christian wife might well ere on the side of submission when she shouldn’t.

    I always made it a point to have an in-depth discussion with the men who married our daughters. I made it clear to them their responsibilities to have rules , set limits and provide consequences , they each were given a new strap before the wedding, but when it came to the topic of intimacy I spent most of my time explaining the husbands responsibilities, I wasn’t worried about our daughters failing in this , they were well trained to be submissive and obedient.

    And of course, a husband has a duty to fulfill his wife’s need to be intimate. A wife may never demand intimacy, but she may respectfully and submissively request intimacy, a request that should never be denied except under extraordinary circumstances. It is also perfectly fine for a wife to hint at her need for intimacy by her behavior or demeanor. Women are good at this and a wife has a right to do this without fear of punishment.

    1. Hello Bob, I think that’s a very good description of the mutuality of affection, within the marriage order of headship and submission. Thank you.

  2. […] play games with a woman who manipulates with her body, and withholds it from me if she is upset. We make love freely and regularly, and we both consider that an obligation. She would never consider withholding that […]

  3. […] also fits with discipline because of their marriage. Just as the wife undresses for the marriage bed to make love, she undresses now, but to be intimate and penetrated in another way. With words that […]

  4. […] more commanding and more difficult way. The link between disciplining a wife, and taking her in the marriage bed, is never closer than this. It is illustrated in the act of removing the belt, which carries […]

  5. Aron,

    I enjoyed reading your explanation of how a wife might request sexual attention from her husband, even though she is his submissive. So much attention is paid to a wife submitting to her husband’s desires that it’s refreshing to hear that even a wife who is spanked may ask for what she wants. For wives whose love language is physical touch, both caresses and lovemaking will help to keep her bound to him. I look forward to reading your Discipline Manual with my future husband, as it offers sound Christian advice for both men and women.

    1. Thank you, Sophia. Yes, a submissive wife can gently request any number of things. In the case of sex, it is a real responsibility of the husband to give it to her. In the case of other requests, such as her desires, he still ought to show love and consideration for what she wants. A wife can trust that a godly husband cares for her needs and will at least provide some of her wants.

      The incredible intimacy of make love is certainly a powerful way that man and wife feel deeply bound together although ultimately the bond itself is in the marriage covenant, not in any great feeling or experience they have together. I would be very honored if your future husband read the discipline manual. May God lead you to a godly and righteous man.

  6. […] of the greatest signs of a harmonious marriage, and a beautifully submitted wife is that they share their bodies freely with one another. A wife does not hold back herself physically, and a husband knows he can […]

  7. […] Sexually, Never Refuse: Give yourself to him fully sexually. Do your best to meet his needs and desires in the marriage […]

  8. […] our relationship with God. A wife is made “one flesh” with her man. Their bodies are shared properties between them. A wife is taught to submit to her man “in all things” and not in merely a […]

  9. A wife saying “no” to sex is a wife saying “yes” to a hard spanking. This is how it is in my marriage.

    1. That’s a good way to put it. I heartily agree. My wife would never consider saying no because she is dedicated to her submission.

  10. […] fear of disobeying you, and no respect for your strength because she cannot feel your strength. Her desire in bed is also not as strong, because it’s harder to desire a weak man. Teach her clearly, and spank […]

  11. Momtoteens Avatar

    My husband disciplines me by withholding sex. If I bother him, I get in a lot of trouble. And for some reason I never get all the i’s dotted and the t’s crossed exactly right. We had four children under five, and I slowed down. It was my first year homeschooling the oldest and I was slowly burning out. I got in trouble for that. Then he decided that since I clearly could not keep up with the children we had — I just would not bear any more. So that was the end of the intimacy. Even though things picked up as they got older, I wasn’t homeschooling well enough, and then on days when homeschooling went well — often dinner wasn’t good enough. I went through a major depression and needed meds for a while. Finally I got used to it. It’s been eight years since we were maritally intimate, and even before it was very rare. He never even touches me now. It’s very difficult, but I keep in mind I only have to get through twenty-four hours — tomorrow will take care of itself. Occasionally I do something very stupid, and I get in trouble, and he gets furious — which is when I get spanked. I am ashamed to say it, but sometimes I will do something wrong to get him angry, just so I can at least have some type of attention — even it it’s negative.

    I have to be VERY careful around other men, if they look me in the eye or pay any attention to me. I have found myself more than once dangerously attracted to other men, and I am very aware of this. Renewing my commitment daily, getting lots of exercise, staying solid in prayer, and remembering I only have to think of the 24 hours in front of me helps.

    1. Hello Momtoteens, I am glad you have shared your situation, as hard as it is. If I am able to help in any way I will. First I want to say, as far as experiencing temptation for other men, make sure you seek God’s protection from temptation. Fill your life with prayer, hymns, and service to others, and don’t leave time in your life for occasions to do evil. God will protect you from this harm. He has given you this power by His Holy Spirit. You can overcome the devil.

      While I teach marital discipline, I want to repeat what I have written about on the website — neither partner should withhold intimacy from the other. This is the plain teaching of Scripture. Withholding intimacy is not a form of discipline, and it hurtful to a marriage on multiple levels. You have every right to gently express your desire for affection; be it sex, or simple physical touch. It is your right to have your husband’s affection.

      I know it is hard to raise children, but please do not thwart the future by not having more children. We need more faithful, and virtuous children in coming generations. Bring more for us. It’s a blessing to all. God will give you the resources you need, and the patience, and the strength, to raise more children. It would have been normal in a past era to have seven to ten children, and today there are still families that do. It takes real commitment, and recognizing their value, but it is not beyond the ordinary person.

      That said, I believe like most that one can have sexual intimacy even when not having children. It brings man and wife together to be affectionate, and to make love. It strengthens their bond. It protects them from sinful temptation to other people. Even if you cannot have more children, you can still be intimate with your husband.

      It can help, especially if you are struggling alone with all the work of the household, to have friends and a brethren in Christ to fellowship with. There are many groups where homeschool parents can meet up with others, and work together. It can make the work less lonely, and more joyful to have that connection. Have friends near you.

      If you’d like to discuss this matter in private, please write me at my e-mail below or on the contact page.

      There are usually spiritual or psychological reasons why a spouse won’t touch the other. This is especially true with men, who are usually more focused on sex. There is something wearing on his soul to cause him to act this way. I know you can be closer in the future. I trust in it. Please discuss it with him lovingly, and meekly as his wife. It is your want and your need, and also your right.

      I hope that offers you some help. I’d be happy to discuss it with your husband if he’s willing. Keep walking in the light of Jesus.


      1. No Name Mom Avatar
        No Name Mom

        I am sorry momtoteens I think you need some help from a pastor. Something doesn’t sound right.

    2. Momtoteens I am distressed by what you write. The Bible is clear, a husband has a duty to meet the physical needs of his wife. If you have a pastor you are comfortable with I would recommend you ask your husband if he would consent to counseling. Our new minister does counseling for some couples in our congregation and there is even a small group who practice CDD , though generally the minister is not open about this with the majority of his congregation. If your minister doesn’t embrace CDD then you can’t share with him that your husband spanks you but his counseling might still be helpful. Of course no matter what , you must continue to obey your husband and you have to no right to question his decision to spank you. A Christian wife is required by the lord to submit to her husband’s correction.

  12. […] no right to demand she look like a harlot, or show off her flesh. She may show her body to him in the marriage bed, but her public appearance is modest and plain, not very sensual and certainly not sexual. A man […]

  13. I agree with you. I’ve seen so many frustrated husbands just because treir wifes could control the intimacy. That frustration isn’t good for a marriage, so also isn’t good for a wife (it’s an own goal). I really appreciate you prepared your daughters to be a submissive. I suppose it’s a lot of less work for their husbands. I know how much work it’s needed to teach a wife everything since the beginning. It’s worth but it’s it takes a lot of time and energy. Even if my wife, before wedding, promised me to be truly sexually submissive in the reality it wasn’t so easy for her. During first two years she needed a lot of discipline on that field, but right now she is fully submissive in our bed. She even told me she is ashamed thinking about her disobience at the beginning and apologised.

    1. I can see your wife has humility, and it takes humility to grow, which she has. That’s wonderful. I also find it tragic the number of men in that position, and the number of women who think they can decide on intimacy. It’s imperative both spouses know before marriage they will share their bodies freely. A man shouldn’t marry any woman who doesn’t know that.

  14. TryingtoSubmit Avatar

    For many years, I told my husband “Not now” or “I’m not in the mood.” Now I can see that always saying yes is paramount to Submission. I am honoring him. And in turn, it brings us closer together.
    I am sure that some wives read this and are aghast at this concept, but look at the divorce rate. Look at the unhappiness in marriages. I’m done being a selfish brat to my husband. I will give him what he needs, whether or not I feel like it, or else I’ll get spanked. He is tender and kind and definitely understands if I truly don’t feel good. But I want to honor his physical needs. When I do, he is so good to me during the day, gets things done quickly, and takes care of me. NOT to say I’m doing this selfishly– I’m just stating the result of our closeness.

    1. I truly appreciate your commitment to doing things the right way. Headship and submission is God’s design for us, and for marriage, and great destruction has been done by ignoring that design. Commitment to being godly husbands and wives will erase a great deal of the misery in marriage, as well as the trouble we see in children.

      Respecting headship in marriage, and practicing discipline, almost always comes along with greater intimacy in the marriage bed. I hear from men and women regularly who tell me about the new connection they have in bed, or the greater enjoyment. A man enjoys his wife, as God gives him the right to, and a wife is cherished, and desired, as she deserves.

      Submitting in the marriage bed, as you put it, is a way of honoring your husband, and it’s right to submit even if you’re not feeling like it. Men and women are not the same, and sex is core to a man’s satisfaction. Much can be accomplished in marriage just be having a good, free, intimate connection in bed.

      I am happy to see it is working for you both.

  15. Better Lady Avatar
    Better Lady

    Like Tryingtosubmit, I spent many years rejecting my husband’s sexual advances which I look back on and really don’t understand. I have always been incredibly attracted to him physically and I enjoy sex. I think it really comes down to a couple of things. 1. I spent a long time not really liking myself and that made intimacy difficult and 2. I fell under the pressure of friends and family to be strong and independent and along with that came a need to retain some sort of control, I guess. Now that we have entered a new role specific DD relationship, I no longer reject my husband’s sexual advances and we are closer than we ever have been before. He is really appreciative that I am submissive and I really have become a better, happier person under his leadership and authority. I don’t feel like I have given anything up in becoming submissive and obedient. Instead I feel like I have more capacity to love and be loved. I do work outside of the home and I have plenty of authority in the workplace. I am grateful to be led by my husband at home. I thought I might have difficulty separating work from home but I really don’t. On my commute, I reset and find myself thinking how I can elevate my husband when I arrive home. Women get ready for so many things. I now get ready for my husband when I get home from work by putting on feminine clothes, often lingerie and making sure I am clean. It is up to him to decide if we will be intimate but I never decline or resist anymore. It’s great.

    1. What a great story of letting your barriers down, and rejecting independence. More women would do that, and enjoy the great benefits, but pride stands in the way. They have to overcome years of being misled by the culture as well. I hope you can do your best to share the truth with other women. A marriage is never going to work as it should when intimacy is not flowing freely.

    2. tryingtosubmittohim Avatar

      I could have written this same thing, Better Lady! I feel so much the same. Why did I reject his advances? To be in control? I am SO much happier now. Our love life has never been better. I am so AWARE of pleasing him and obeying him every day. Not out of fear, but because I want to.
      And it’s so strange– I crave the Discipline Sessions and then my knees buckle in fear when he says, “Take off your pants.” I want the closeness so much but the Sessions are SO painful and only getting stronger as he gains confidence. But the results are so beautiful when he is restored to his rightful place. He is more confident in his leadership and I am more confident because he is leading.
      If spanking is what it takes for our marriage to be healthy, alive, and for our roles to be clearly defined, then I’m all-in.

  16. Better Lady Avatar
    Better Lady

    I completely agree and will do my best to share my experiences with other women. One of the things I am most proud of is my long term relationship. The things I have learned from this site have helped me grow and have helped to elevate my relationship. I will continue to read more, grow more and obey my incredible husband. Aron, thank you for your upkeep of this site and responses to your readers. I can tell it is a labor of passion and that is part of what gave me the courage to talk to my husband and enter into this lifestyle. It is glorious.

    1. You’re welcome. Marital discipline is a passion of mine and I am devoted to sharing it. Marriage is of the greatest importance so we ought to use the best tools available. I know you will do a good job helping other women as well. Bless you.

    2. tryingtosubmittohim Avatar

      Same here. This blog gave me the confidence to approach my husband about this lifestyle. Other blogs are too focused on the erotic or on storytelling. It’s not for me. This blog is clear, non-emotional, informative, logical, and SO helpful. I have read every single article at least 3 times. Thank you, Aron, for all your attention and replies to keep this up and going!

      1. You’re welcome! I love doing it.

  17. I always submit to my husband in the marital bed. This was the first part of our DD marriage. It keeps my marriage and my submission as the most important thing in my life.
    I also feel that is why it is important that discipline takes place on the same bed. There must be a link between your marriage and your discipline.

    1. Thanks for your insight. It does bring everything close together to have discipline occur on the marriage bed. Both are such intimate acts, and there is clear connection between them.

  18. makemel4ugh Avatar

    Everything just makes sense the way you say it Sir.
    Glad I found your site.

    1. Thank you. I’m vary honored you appreciate the article, and my website. I hope it is all helpful to you. I have a list of articles on the About page broken down loosely by category.

  19. No name mom Avatar
    No name mom

    The only time I remember refusing my husband was after my third child as I was afraid to get pregnant again. It went on until my son was three months old. So maybe a month and half because you know if you have had a baby. My husband was having surgery I felt bad so I gave in. Nothing bad happened I didn’t get pregnant again for several years. I was in the wrong and it was really for nothing. After that I never denied him. I have never regretted doing it even if I didn’t feel like it or I was tired .

  20. Repentant Avatar

    So I’ve been reading through all of your blog posts and even though I don’t agree with every topic, it really stirred something in my heart. I’ve always wanted spanking to be part of my marriage relationship, but that didn’t really happen. What did happen was that my husband was sometimes very much in his sinful nature and treated me in ways that were angry, impatient and unkind… And when I would confront him about this, he would lose his temper at me and quote Bible verses at me about obedience and submission. I ended up resenting him and after a while rejected the Bible’s teaching on his headship and my submission and told him that I didn’t even want to be considered a Christian anymore because I didn’t want him hanging Bible verses over my head.

    After reading your blog posts what stirred in me was the conviction that I was in rebellion.

    My husband and I went to a park last night after he got home from work and sat and talked. I read him some of your beautiful posts about the nature of sexual submission and discipline etc…. Things that I knew in my soul to be true because like I said I always wanted to be spanked, but I had been rejecting anything the Bible was saying about women or submission. After reading your posts putting it all together I knew the Bible wasn’t the problem and I needed to repent to God for rejecting and rebelling against the scriptures… And my husband.

    So I confessed to my husband that I’ve been in rebellion. I know this probably won’t sound like a very submissive thing but I shared with him that I do believe he had provoked me to rebellion with demanding my submission and quoting scriptures at me to enforce my obedience despite his behavior. He listened and said he would have to seriously think about that and that hearing it like that is a serious thing even though he wasn’t sure exactly what he had done he asked God to help him understand what I was saying better. But I also asked forgiveness from God for my rebellion in front of my husband and told him that I don’t want to stay in this place, that I want to be a submissive wife to him and that I regretted rejecting the words of Paul another biblical authors about headship and submission. And also that I need his discipline. And just as Sarah called Abraham her lord, I was ready to call my husband lord again.

    So it does seem like today the Lord took me to a new place in my relationship with Him of getting back on the right track… And also started something new and better between my husband and I. I probably don’t sound very submissive in this post by your standards but I’m at least turning over a new leaf of not going being at war with the scriptures and God the way I was before reading your blog so I just want you to know that whatever you’re trying to do here, the Lord used you in my and my husband’s life today to take me and our marriage one step in a better direction. And I told my husband and I do need to feel him over me and I need his discipline.
    Thank you brother.

    1. You’re welcome, Repentant. God bless you and your family. That is a wonderful testimony. I appreciate your faithfulness to God, which has led you to repent of your past rebellion, and be willing to humble yourself. I know it’s not easy, especially before someone who has at times been overbearing. But it’s the right thing to do.

      We practice submission to authorities even when authorities are not grateful to us, or are unkind, or lose their temper. Submission is a duty when one is under authority, whether it is a husband or a boss or anyone else. The only thing not to submit to is breaking to commands of the Lord. I certainly hope your faith is not rooted in the behavior of other Christians, to the point you would deny the Bible or the faith entirely because of another person’s bad behavior. As Paul writes in speaking of how the bulk of Jews have rejected their Messiah, this does not mean that God is no longer faithful — “let God be true and every man a liar.” We have to be rooted in Christ, and in the Word of God, and then we will never be moved.

      I believe, that with your submission, and your efforts at explaining these things to your husband, he will become a better leader. That will help both of you. He will not feel he needs to lose his temper or get angry, but will know problems are dealt with calmly, and with love. Discipline is there as a tool when necessary, but is never an expression of anger or contempt. Many women know in their hearts they need their man to put them over his knee, humble them, and spank them hard. However, an out of control leader doesn’t give a good picture of this, and a woman can rightly see that’s not loving discipline.

      I am very honored that my articles have helped you, and also can help him learn about loving leadership in Christ. I hope you both continue to grow in your roles, in leadership and gentle submission. Work on your submission, even apart from any discipline your husband may give. Make it your aim to show that beautiful, gentle heart to your husband each day. If you slip up, repent, and return to walking uprightly.

      Thank you.

      1. Repentant Avatar

        I was thinking today about your words that i shouldn’t let other Christians’ behavior determine my faith, and this is true. It helps to see truths I know from what is written on my heart (a desire to be submissive, and disciplined) explained the way you have laid out here.

        Yesterday I spent time with a friend, a single sister in Christ. I had not discussed any of these things with her, but she is very prophetic. As soon as we were driving along together, she told me that she sent that the Lord wanted us to read Hebrews 12 together.

        After yesterday I was really longing that my husband might discipline me but I’d really caught my attention was the verse that said we all had human fathers that disciplined us for their own reasons but how much more should we submit to the Father who disciplines us that we might share in his holiness?

        The sister and I went and sat on the beach together just to spend time in prayer and reading our Bibles. As I prayed over this I felt the Lord was saying to me that in this time where my husband will not yet discipline me that I needed to submit to His (the father’s) discipline directly. And as I further sought Him in prayer I became aware that no amount of my husband’s leadership would satisfy me until I was submitted to the Lord, and that I had not been walking in nor giving any thought to fearing the Lord in some time.

        I told my friend this as a confession and she encouraged me to keep repenting and seeking the Lord in this. Then I went home and confessed all this to my husband. Today I went some places with my husband and started to realize that almost every time I spoke to him I either tried to boss him around, make demands, or criticize him. I was just being “normal” and no different than usual but suddenly realized my normal was to usurp his headship with every thing I said and did all day. Except today I kept realizing it and apologized after almost every interaction, “wow, I’m being really bossy… I’m sorry. Wow this seems to be a habit for me. I’m so sorry.” My husband agreed and said it was true and thanked me for apologizing. And I kept doing it and kept apologizing, until finally I was like, “wow, how did I ever get it in my head I should rule over you?” And then I wondered if this was all too weird and asked him that, and he said no… And he told me that I was restoring the faith he had in me that made him choose to marry me. I told him I don’t know what planet I’ve been on but I haven’t been honoring him or the Lord and I need to change. He said as long as I’m realizing it and catching it it’s good. And I also told him to please also correct me and discipline me as he sees fit.
        And one other thing, I saw him start to loose his temper at another moment today about something unrelated, that wasn’t really my wrong, and he immediately stopped himself and apologized to me and went on in peace. So that was kind of amazing too.

        1. Praise God. He really does wonders on the human soul. He does wonders in our lives and relationships. That is one thing you will see — once you seek the face of Jesus, so much else will follow: your reading of that passage from Scripture, your ability to recognize one poor comment after another when you act pridefully or disrespectfully to him, the peace you know in your soul, your ability to reject sin and embrace righteousness. It will become more deeply fulfilling to humble yourself. It will become sour and unattractive to put yourself above others, much less your husband.

          It takes leaving so many learned habits behind, but if your life is in Christ it will happen. It isn’t just leaving the big brazen sins behind, but attitudes, thought patterns, speech habits, bad company, wrong entertainment, and everything man destructively wraps himself up in. As long as that eye within you – that purely spiritual organ – is seeking the face of Christ, you will shed off the flesh, and grow in the spirit, as it seems you are wonderfully doing.

          Your change will also produce change in your husband, as he sees you as a humble and truly spiritual woman. Your simple presence and gentle love will open his eyes. That is the power of walking in the spirit, and the power of a holy woman of God. it places peace on your husband’s heart, and makes you very beautiful in his eyes. Glory to God for His work in you.

  21. KMsubservanttoGM Avatar

    My husband requires sexual release every night. We have been married 3 years and have 3 children. He likes to have a mixture of oral, vaginal and anal sex so we do different things each night. I am exhausted when I go to bed and I have asked that there be a couple of nights a week where I am not required to bring him sexual release. He says he has a high sex drive and needs daily release and that it is my duty as a wife to provide this. He says it would be sinful for him to masturbate and use porn. We have argued about this and I have recieved many spanking. What do I do about my husbands high sex drive? Can I ask for nights off?

    1. Hello Subservant, I will answer here publicly on the site, though I did send you an e-mail as well. It is normal for a man to want sex frequently, and that is part of what comes with marriage. You are the only woman in the world who can please him that way. Sex is a responsibility for both man and wife and neither should refuse it. I hope you can both find joy in your intimacy, even though I know sometimes you do it only as a duty. That’s fine too.

      There’s nothing wrong with asking respectfully for a night off if you are very exhausted. My wife occasionally asks, and I usually agree to a night off. However, you cannot be argumentative or disrespectful to your husband, as you know this is wrong. He is fair to spank you if you are acting that way. Practicing anal sex is unclean as well as dangerous, and I would bring those facts to his attention. It can be harmful to you and I would hope as your husband, who loves and protects you, he would cease having you that way.

      Despite the fact you are tired sometimes, do your best to enjoy giving yourself to your husband. Appreciate all it means, and how it expresses your love and belonging to him. There are few other times in life a wife can experience her husband’s desire for her, and his power, so deeply and intimately as in the marriage bed. I would take on a more positive mindset about sex, frequent or not, and put your heart fully into it.

      I hope that helps you.

      1. In regards to women having a break from sexual duty, we have generally observed for our marriage that the menstrual cycle provides a God-given break for whoever wants a break (and even whoever doesn’t want a break.). Traditionally among people who practice that break, it is believed that taking a break during a woman’s period creates longing in both parties to be reunited when the time is over, and keeps things exciting.

        It also requires self control. Porn would not be something either of us would believe would be acceptable during waiting periods. It would be hard for me to imagine though that a week or so of abstinence is going to tempt us to adultery. (I guess anything is possible. But then again I guess people fall into adultery even when they take no breaks from their spouse.)

        But my husband does not feel sex is enticing during my period and so the decision is not even mine — although I might feel similarly if the decision were up to me. I know that it is sometimes a bit of a messy topic to discuss what elements of the Old Testament law should be observed by Christians. In our case it’s not a “should” as much as an inclination my husband has that he wouldn’t want to do otherwise anyway.

      2. KMsubservanttoGM Avatar

        Thank you Aron and Cresta for your comments. I have been married for 3 years and have been pregnant for the majority of that time having the pregnancies close together so I have not many menstrual cycles in that time. Even when I am menstruating my husband will take my mouth instead so this is not a way for me to get a break from sexual duties.

        I accept Aron’s comments that it is normal for my husband to desire me daily and I do try and take enjoyment from the pleasure this gives my husband. It is just that sometimes I feel so very tired after caring for the babies all day. My husband won’t allow contraception and this has also caused some disagreement between us as I had asked for a break before another pregnancy. I have had some spankings for this as I have been disrespectful to my husband. My husband has lectured me that it is not my place to control if I become pregnant or not and that I am not in charge of this. I have struggled a great deal over this but I am trying to accept that this is God’s path for me. My husband has now decided that I need to learn that I do not have control of my womb. I am now submitting to this situation and my husband is helping me to do this with a willing heart. My husband has lectured me that men and women both have to make sacrifices for the greater good of the family and marriage. My husband must go to work to earn to support his family, this can be stressful and tiring for him. My job is to accept all the children God gives us and raise them to become good God abiding people. I would like to hear from any other women who have had multiple children and how they managed to run the home, care for the children and serve their husbands.

        (comment edited by Aron)

        1. Hello Jody, Thank you for your reply. Yes marriage is a sacrifice for both the husband and the wife. It is work the large majority of the time. My wife has had time to do all that she does, including raising five children, homeschooling them, and serving me when needed. However, she can request a night off if she is too exhausted for sex, and we space our children nearly two years apart.

          I would embrace the importance of your role and of all the work you do, but if you feel you need a rest, discuss it with your husband without being rude, or putting yourself above him. I know there are many mothers who could offer tips on how to get it all done. I’ve met women who raised more children than we have, and they are very vibrant, finding time to serve in ministry as well. Balancing your time counts, but you do need some rest too.

          If he’d be willing to talk, you can put your husband in contact with me.

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