This online manual is purposed to give guidance and advise about marital spanking. A spanking is one part of a discipline system, which is only one part of the husband’s leadership, which is only one large part of marriage as a whole. So while I write here on disciplining your wife, I also want to speak of other facets of marriage that are connected. For if you really think about it, each element within marriage feeds into the others, and draws from the others strength and benefit. We can see that other parts of the marriage relationship give more life to authority and submission, and naturally to the smooth working of a discipline system.
One subject I have to bring up, since it is such a common failure in marriage, is marital intimacy. The fact that husband and wife should be uniting regularly in the marriage bed. I think it is a pressing topic, since I hear from so many people — personal friends, colleagues, and souls I have counseled online — that often marital intimacy stops happening. Either the man, the wife, or both are rejecting the other’s desire for sex. Often, it is one single partner who is refusing to share their body, often causing great harm to the relationship, and emotional pain to the other which is ongoing. This is very sad to me, and thoroughly against what marriage is by its nature.
I also think of the harm caused by rejecting affection. It is clear from 1 Corinthians 7:2 and 7:9 that one of the practical purposes of marriage is in lessening the danger of lust. Being married helps prevent fornication before marriage. It channels that desire into something better and safer, which will benefit all society. The free sharing of bodies also helps prevent adultery in marriage. Each man has his own wife to enjoy and take pleasure in. (Proverbs 5:15-23) When a partner is refusing the other, especially if it’s the wife refusing the husband, it greatly increases the chances of adultery, among other things. It also sets a course for resentment, bitterness, and emotional distance between man and wife. While the best thing to do may be to forgive, it is still normal and common for a spouse to become resentful, and harden themselves toward the party who is wronging them. It is especially frustrating for the man, who has stronger sexual desire, and who is simultaneously having his authority disrespected. This strikes at the core design of marriage, with man as the head, and makes him look like not the head at all, but one who can be ignored and dismissed. It is harmful for this and many other reasons.
Marriage is the uniting of two into one flesh, or one body. (Genesis 2:24) When we unite at our wedding, and say our vows, we no longer have complete autonomy over our bodies. They belong to our spouse as well. My body belongs to my wife. My wife’s belongs to me. In Scripture, apostle Paul is explicit in instructing that both man and wife have a true duty to share their bodies in bed, and literally “defraud” the other if they refuse. The only time that man and wife should avoid intimacy is when they have mutually decided to fast for spiritual purposes. (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) Otherwise, withholding your body is akin to fraud — you did no deliver what you promised, you withhold what you rightfully owe the other.
While there may be multiple reasons, spiritual or emotional, why a man or wife would desire to withhold their body, each partner needs to understand they have an obligation to give their spouse affection, and do so out of obedience. They do not do so just because they feel like it. They do so because it is required of them. Their body is not their own, but their spouse’s. This is a truth which revolts many contemporary souls, because it grates against their vision of complete freedom and autonomy. It further grates against their feminism, which simply cannot imagine a woman undressing for her husband just because he desires her body. Yet we are not completely free and autonomous individuals — that would be ridiculous — and it is natural and good for a woman to give herself when her husband desires. She belongs to him.
There are men who also have problems with this teaching, but not because of contemporary values. They have a problem because they know that they are the authority in the home, so it sounds contrary to that truth, and threatening, that their wife could have a right to their body when she desires. Nevertheless, this is true. People in authority have real responsibilities to their subjects under them. Just as a husband has real responsibility to love his wife, be faithful to her, provide for her, and protect her, he also has a responsibility to share affection in bed with her. She may not be able to command it, because she is the submissive partner, but she can request his sexual attention, and reasonably expect to receive it. Just as you can request one of your days off from you boss, and expect to receive it, she can also request what belongs to her and expect to receive it. It’s owed to her in the first place. So I tell men the same thing I tell women — it doesn’t matter if you feel like it or not. It is your moral duty, and you need to share intimacy with your wife.
Imagine if we placed the oddball ideas of absolute freedom onto other relationships, and see what would happen. What if my boss said I needed to be to work on time and I told him — I don’t really feel like it. I’ll get there whenever I get there? Can you imagine that? And what if I came to receive my weekly paycheck, and my boss said — I really don’t feel like paying you this week, you’ve been annoying me too much, try back next week and you might get paid? That would be truly ridiculous wouldn’t it? So too it is ridiculous for man and wife to play those kinds of selfish games with each other. The marriage bed does not come down to our feelings, it comes down to obligation. If you are withholding from your partner, you need to stop, and give them what you owe them.
Many people will think to ask — well what if there is an illness, or if one party is completely beat from a long day. This is a normal question and a common situation. The fact is, couples work those things out all the time with love. If one person is truly exhausted, it is common for the other to accept a raincheck, even though they don’t truly have to. It’s just the considerate thing to do if it’s only a short-term wait. If one spouse is ill, the other doesn’t usually want to get sick too, and will let sex wait for a short while. But the fact is, when we recognize our duties to our spouse, it is fairly rare that we ask them kindly to wait, since we desire to fulfill our obligation for them. We are not looking for any excuses not to. When my wife has been up all night with the kids, and is obviously wiped out, I generally understand if she wants a raincheck for the next night. However, if I don’t think her tiredness is that serious, and I insist on sex, she will respect that, because I am her husband and she knows that she belongs to me. She would never think of simply telling me no. She will give herself to me.
Sharing bodies between man and wife is essential in marriage. It is a part of what unites us spiritually and emotionally, and it brings about a core purpose of marriage, which is bearing children whom we will raise and teach the faith to. It’s not a mere pleasure. It’s not an extra. It’s not optional. Sex in marriage is central to the union. This touches also upon the main purpose of my discipline manual, since unity between man and wife help them function in their roles — it helps them in leading and in submitting. Both the unity in the sex act, and the power and yielding present between man and wife, aid in us fulfilling our roles. I have written at some length on how sex aids in submission, and I emphasize here how it harms that relationship when it is rejected, or just does not occur. Man and wife should be affectionate and physically close. Even when they are not touching in the marriage bed, they should share embraces, and physical touch. It helps the man to give himself completely as the leader of the wife. It helps the wife to give herself completely as the helper of her husband. It battles any apathy, coldness, and bitterness, and draws them close together again.
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