Even for a woman who desires to be submissive for her husband, living that submission and responding with it daily, can be a challenge. It becomes much more of a challenge for women who have soaked heavily in the current culture, and learned a lifestyle of complete autonomy, and ideas of womanhood that are more or less the same as manhood. On top of that, they may have seen men repeatedly ridiculed, and treated as less intelligent, caring, or civilized as women. These are absurd notions (men built civilization as we know it), but it’s hard not to internalize some of those attitudes when it’s basically the air you breath. It takes a real act of will to humbly place yourself under your husband, and then to respond daily, in a soft, meek way. To let him make the decisions. To obey his will. To refrain from arguing, or from inflating your ego.
A Christian woman ought to have a good place to start. Yet sadly this is often not the case. She has clear teachings in the Bible on godly womanhood and on submission. She has descriptions of the godly feminine character, as gentle, quiet, chaste, and modest. She knows the spiritual meaning of the role of the wife — to portray a saved mankind in the Church, holy, content, humble, and submitting to Jesus. She knows all these things, but often still needs to grow in insight and discipline to practically apply them to her marriage, to her behavior with her husband. She needs to grow out of bad habits or wrong attitudes. That is where often the practical teachings makes the path easy to live out the submissive calling in life.
Nurture Gentle Character: A woman can first think of the character of the wife she is becoming. That is one that carries a quiet and gentle spirit. She can learn from this, and start to nurture it, by learning the value of silence. She does not need to speak all the time. She can intentionally hold back, and let her husband lead the conversation. This is especially true of she tends to gallop forward at the mouth, or if her man tends to be quiet. She can keep quiet so that he will speak, and direct affairs. Even her speech itself should carry gentleness. Her words should be soft, free of any angry abrasion, and gentle as her character. This may be hard to do if you are untrained in showing high respect for a man, and it may also be hard if you are having a frustrating day, but recognize in your mind and soul that the one you are speaking to is a picture of the King of Creation — Jesus Christ. He has been made lord of your household, and he represents the Lord of all. Think of how you approach someone of that kind of honor and responsibility. You come meekly, for sure. You are humble. You are not trying to put yourself above him.
Ask Questions, and Ask Permission: You speech can also affirm your submitted position before him. One way to affirm this to him, and remind this to yourself, is to ask questions of him. Ask what he thinks of a matter, with real interest in his thoughts and understanding. Ask so you can find out his will and plan for the home. Learn to ask his permission for things you desire. Ask “May I,” when it is appropriate. This immediately puts him in an authority position, know his response if what gives you permission or not. Get in the habit of expressing your desires with simply suggestions, or just mention what you’d like to do. Learn to drop the language of command, and replace it with questions and suggestions. This not only is appropriate because he is your lord, but helps you to shape your soul into one that submits more easily, and embraces her position. When your man speaks, keep silent and do not ever interrupt. If you do — and I realize it’s hard to never do this — simply apologize sincerely and let him continue.
Plan to Help: Since you are his helper — and wonderfully designed inside and out for this role — set your mind to thinking of ways you can help him. How can you help him in the home? In his ministry work? In any of his projects? In helping him find joy, delight, and fulfillment? Put your mind and heart to helping your man. Think of the skills, knowledge, or experience you might have that would be useful to him. Just like you’d do for an employer, think of how you can be of help to him. If you recognize the ease with which most people can do this for a job they really want, slide right into that same pattern in doing it for your husband. It can be much easier than many imagine at first. You just have to want to do it.
Delete “No” from Your Vocabulary: Learn to communicate and respond to your man without saying “no.” It’s simpler than you think. Your word and your attitude towards your man is “yes,” since this reflects your desire to do his will. Drop any language of refusal. Your words and your mind will work cooperatively in learning not to refuse him, but to follow him without resistance. Start trying it now. It’s true, there may be times when it’s absolutely impossible to do what he instructs you, but you can meekly let him know it’s not possible, without bluntly refusing. Even then, show your desire to help, and show a willing attitude. Lovingly apologize if you’re truly unable to do something. Of course, you can refuse to do an act of evil, but this can be expressed in your need to be faithful to God, rather than a rejection of your man. Anyway, in most marriages that would not be a common occurrence, and in many years of our marriage, my wife has never had to refuse my command because it was wicked.
Give Apologies for Wrongs: In general, show your deference to his authority, and your humble heart, by being quick to apologize. It shows him you are not trying to place yourself above him, and it reminds you to be trying to help your husband, and not hinder him. It shows him your wonderful character to be able to apologize. Such an expression of humility can be gorgeous, and awe inspiring. It lets him know you are fully under him and are soft to his hands. He will deeply appreciate it. There are always cases when you’re not sure if something is wrong or not, but the safe thing, and the humble thing, is to offer an apology anyway. It shows you place yourself under his rule.
Submit Sexually, Never Refuse: Give yourself to him fully sexually. Do your best to meet his needs and desires in the marriage bed, and put yourself to making him fully satisfied. One cannot claim to want to be submissive while holding back in this physical and emotional side of belonging to your husband. A real shift can occur in some women in learning submission when they first learn to submit in bed, completely to their husband. Their sense of autonomy, separateness, and desire to take authority from their husband just dissolve almost by themselves in a wave of sexual union. The power he has over his wife in bed, as well as the unspeakable closeness they enjoy, help teach a woman to submit. It is a physical lesson in the spiritual. What she does in bed, in bending to his will, carries over to her attitudes the next day, week, and month, also in bending to his will. It deeply softens her to her lord.
Learn Your Lessons: If your man needs to discipline you, or even correct you verbally, take it as an important lesson to learn. Don’t take it as a burden, or a blow at you. Correction is not an act of aggression. It is an opportunity to learn to get better at what you desire to be — which is a godly and submissive wife. You may have to take a step down to be punished, and it can make you feel small momentarily, but receive it into your heart as a chance to be cleansed and made better. Learn to hate your wrong. Long for and look forward to the good you will do when the cleansing is over. Cooperate fully with him. He is responsible for you.
Each of these steps in your submission, and in your growth, will help you with the character and behavior you desire. They are appropriate in any marriage and most are not unique to discipline. Remember, if you stumble and all will, do not cease on your journey into humble submission. Each of these exercises can work to soften heart to your man. They each help you to know his command, and rightly respond to his words. You are the beautiful and gentle helper of your husband. You are the pure, holy picture of the redeemed people following Christ. This sounds like a burdensome task to women who have been raised and trained to rely on ego, to be loud and assertive, but there is nothing beyond you. It is God’s path for the woman, and is written into how He designed you, and written into His supernatural teaching in the Holy Bible. You are built for it, regardless of your background or your feelings at the moment. The walk in submission is peaceful and full of joy. I hope you are blessed by these steps in gaining it.
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