I give a great deal of advice on how to apply discipline in marriage, and get down to many particulars. I want to offer some advice on what not to do, or more specifically how to avoid going overboard with the discipline process. Just as can happen with any system of rules it is possible to take them too far, or punish to freely. If we would not ourselves desire to be over-regulated, or punished for minor mistakes, we should recognize others don’t want that either, and it’s not really normal. I believe an overly-regulated and overly-punitive discipline system fails to accomplish its goals. It can even cause some harm.
The most central thing to remember is the purpose of disciplining your wife — that is to aid her in submission and correct bad behavior. When she strays, through disobeying your rules or harming the household in other ways, you will correct her verbally, and give her a spanking she will never want to repeat. The central purpose of any discipline has to do with keeping the order and punishing bad behavior. That’s what yours should accomplish. It is true that your wife should desire to honor you as much as possible, and she should desire to be a shining example of godliness to you daily. However, no human being will be without flaw, or fail to make mistakes. As human beings we make them regularly. So in marital discipline, you need to make sure that firm correction of any kind, or spankings, are used for the more serious wrongs. Punishing the smaller matters enters into being totalitarian, and demands of your wife the impossible.
Most small mistakes, or failure to live up perfectly to standards, can simply warrant a gentle verbal correction. You can also offer her encouragement in that area, and praise her for the much good that she does. Verbal correction, whether gentle, or more formal and strong, can handle many of the smaller matters without a spanking. This lets you learn to lead well through your words, and it lets her learn to follow you and accept correction, through a few small words. That gentle lead and following is a natural part of marriage, and husband and wife are attuned to each other this way. The ordeal of the spanking should be saved for willful bad behavior or serious negligence. It would say little for your ability to lead if you could only get your wife to follow through spanking her. It would say little for her submissive heart if she needed a paddle on her bottom to ever listen to you. The ordinary, daily form of instruction by the man, and of correction, is in calm, loving words. Let warnings and spankings come during the occasions they are really needed.
As I say elsewhere, I discourage men from making long lists of rules for their wives to follow. It is very difficult for anyone to remember such an abundance of rules, and likewise difficult to carry them out. Many husbands themselves cannot keep track of them all. Moreover, as with spanking contracts, if written lists of rules become the standard, then the wife will turn to a piece of paper to know what she needs to do, rather than straight to the source, her husband. Rules are also rigid, and sometimes need to be adapted slightly, or applied differently depending the situation. I recommend keeping rules and standards in the home to simple ones. She will need to be submissive, respectful, and honest with her husband. She needs to follow basic standards the man has made for the home; this could be standards of dress, clean language, and punctuality. It could be common sense health regulations. This by itself takes some amount of learning and dedication. To pile on heavily beyond that adds both complication and stress. Naturally, individuals will be different, and only you can judge how well your wife is responding to your leadership and to your discipline. You will need to adjust accordingly. However, I strongly recommend not placing an abundance of rules on her or the whole household.
Not punishing your wife for smaller wrongs, also helps her see the seriousness and need for change of her larger ones. When she ends up over your knee and her bottom is on the coals, she knows it is because she stepped over the line, she rose up toward her husband. She knows it’s wrong and she should never do it again. To spank for every flaw would make the punishment for real wrongs come across as little different, and present her also with the impossible calling of being flawless. It would present her with the great discouragement of seeking her work to be better but never improve, and never be pleasing to you. It would be an unfair situation, and even the deserved punishments would begin to seem unfair. When your wife is spanked she should know she made a real choice to do wrong. She feels ashamed of herself. She could have done rightly, but she willingly stepped off the path. Those stripes coming down are a penalty she earned. She sees this clearly and understands your strong displeasure with her, through the strap and your words of correction. She is ripe to learn now.
We all naturally ought to want to seek perfection. We should shoot for the mark, not short of it. We run the race to win, not lose. Yet we also know in doing this, as Christians seeking goodness and holiness, our failings are abundant, and even our thoughts and words are less than they should be. We know in our life in Christ that our Lord passes over many of our failings. It’s not an excuse not to try, but it lets us know we serve a loving Lord, and one who forgives. Christ does punish His children, do not be deceived about that, as Scripture gives many warnings of this and several examples. Yet we know much goes unpunished, especially those small failings which we quickly seek to fix. We talk to Him in prayer. We look to the Word of God and correct our behavior. It is simple, gentle correction. Our attitude should be similar. Chastisement is not for everything. It is to correct a serious wrong and lead to improved virtue and peace in the future. It’s not to do justice for every minor wrong that occurs. Christ chastises us as a loving father. So should husbands with their wives.
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