Do You Have a Written Contract?

It is almost commonplace in depictions of discipline relationships to depict an arrangement with a formal, written contract, one between the master and his servant. It may lay out the rules, the nature of the relationship, and the things which warrant punishment. The contract may even get into the nature of the punishment itself. These written agreements are par for the course in the bdsm world, of which I am not a part. They are less common in domestic discipline, but married couples still use them. It seems this is almost an expected arrangement when discipline is involved, but it is anything but necessary, and I view it as counter-productive.

People desire a written contract for a variety of reasons. They want the clarity that a written agreement lays out. They want some form of “law” to appeal to if there is a lack of agreement in a situation or an uncertainty about punishment. They want the formality of the relationship established and writing does this more strongly than words. There is even something of the voyeurism of having such powerful and intimate parts of your relationship written down, ones you can enjoy at any time. It just seems to make the relationship “more real.”

I do not use one and have never seriously considered it. I don’t believe you should expect a contract to be a part of it either, as if discipline and contracts just went together. For the most part, you can have all the clarity you need with a discussion about discipline before you enter into it. I explained how I did things to my wife before we were married, and went into some detail as to what warrants punishment, and how I punish. She knew without any formal written agreement that bad behavior would get her over my knee, I would spank her with my hand, or my belt, or an appropriate instrument. She also knew before marriage the nature of her role in submitting to me. That’s not because we had any special spanking relationship, but because we would be husband and wife. She knew she would have a role in being obedient to her husband, and showing respect to him. It would be redundant to write that down again as a separate agreement. We just don’t need it.

To make a formal contract, especially one that deals with the roles of leader and submissive, is simply redundant. We already have that relationship through marriage. That’s why discipline is part and parcel of marriage, and should not be separated from it — it’s the right place for man to lead and correct his woman. The union is built for it. It almost seems to demean marriage to think that we need to write it down again as a separate agreement. It would steal the true thunder of the glorious bond we already rightly have. We have something called marriage vows. Who needs a contract?

Even contracts which deal with the details of the correction process — such as length of punishment — are not providing you more than you have with words and with your own judgment. If anything, I think they could be overly rigid, as you will find that husbands need to change their standards and process over time, and also that many situations truly are judgment calls. A contract cannot encapsulate that. A man will just make the judgment based on his mind and heart, and good principles. A simple explanation of what you expect from your wife will do as well as any contract, and I believe is more useful and practical. She simply needs to know to obey and respect you, and what behaviors will land her in the hot seat. Then you will do your best with making the judgment calls depending the situation. She will need to respect your decision.

There are certainly some couples who desire more clarity and detail, and will desire a contract, or at least a written agreement as to the rules of discipline. There are also some women who find the precision of a contract helpful in their understanding. They learn better through it. That’s fine. If there is any strength in the idea, it is indeed in clarity and detail. Yet even those couples that use one will find it has to be updated from time to time, and it can never deal with the entirety of situations. It will take a real person and a personal evaluation to deal with some situations. That is beyond a doubt. Words on a page cannot think for you.

At the heart of why I reject using a contract is, as I have spoken of already, that our true agreement is in marriage. The authority I have over my wife comes through our being man and wife. The right I have to discipline her justly comes through that authority. I don’t need some secondary means to justify that right. It comes with my role as her husband and she chose to place herself with me and under me when she said — I do. It is my reflections, judgments, and discernment, which will ultimately decide how discipline is practiced and applied. I could write them down if I desire, but I will remember them and communicate them anyway. My wife learns, and has done very well that way. I’ve seen her grow in submission, and respond to discipline by turning some behavior around. I am pleased with her, and with the system of correction I use. She has never rebelled against my authority. She knows I have the right to discipline her.