Do You Have a Written Contract?

It is almost commonplace in depictions of discipline relationships to depict an arrangement with a formal, written contract, one between the master and his servant. It may lay out the rules, the nature of the relationship, and the things which warrant punishment. The contract may even get into the nature of the punishment itself. These written agreements are par for the course in the bdsm world, of which I am not a part. They are less common in domestic discipline, but married couples still use them. It seems this is almost an expected arrangement when discipline is involved, but it is anything but necessary, and I view it as counter-productive.

People desire a written contract for a variety of reasons. They want the clarity that a written agreement lays out. They want some form of “law” to appeal to if there is a lack of agreement in a situation or an uncertainty about punishment. They want the formality of the relationship established and writing does this more strongly than words. There is even something of the voyeurism of having such powerful and intimate parts of your relationship written down, ones you can enjoy at any time. It just seems to make the relationship “more real.”

I do not use one and have never seriously considered it. I don’t believe you should expect a contract to be a part of it either, as if discipline and contracts just went together. For the most part, you can have all the clarity you need with a discussion about discipline before you enter into it. I explained how I did things to my wife before we were married, and went into some detail as to what warrants punishment, and how I punish. She knew without any formal written agreement that bad behavior would get her over my knee, I would spank her with my hand, or my belt, or an appropriate instrument. She also knew before marriage the nature of her role in submitting to me. That’s not because we had any special spanking relationship, but because we would be husband and wife. She knew she would have a role in being obedient to her husband, and showing respect to him. It would be redundant to write that down again as a separate agreement. We just don’t need it.

To make a formal contract, especially one that deals with the roles of leader and submissive, is simply redundant. We already have that relationship through marriage. That’s why discipline is part and parcel of marriage, and should not be separated from it — it’s the right place for man to lead and correct his woman. The union is built for it. It almost seems to demean marriage to think that we need to write it down again as a separate agreement. It would steal the true thunder of the glorious bond we already rightly have. We have something called marriage vows. Who needs a contract?

Even contracts which deal with the details of the correction process — such as length of punishment — are not providing you more than you have with words and with your own judgment. If anything, I think they could be overly rigid, as you will find that husbands need to change their standards and process over time, and also that many situations truly are judgment calls. A contract cannot encapsulate that. A man will just make the judgment based on his mind and heart, and good principles. A simple explanation of what you expect from your wife will do as well as any contract, and I believe is more useful and practical. She simply needs to know to obey and respect you, and what behaviors will land her in the hot seat. Then you will do your best with making the judgment calls depending the situation. She will need to respect your decision.

There are certainly some couples who desire more clarity and detail, and will desire a contract, or at least a written agreement as to the rules of discipline. There are also some women who find the precision of a contract helpful in their understanding. They learn better through it. That’s fine. If there is any strength in the idea, it is indeed in clarity and detail. Yet even those couples that use one will find it has to be updated from time to time, and it can never deal with the entirety of situations. It will take a real person and a personal evaluation to deal with some situations. That is beyond a doubt. Words on a page cannot think for you.

At the heart of why I reject using a contract is, as I have spoken of already, that our true agreement is in marriage. The authority I have over my wife comes through our being man and wife. The right I have to discipline her justly comes through that authority. I don’t need some secondary means to justify that right. It comes with my role as her husband and she chose to place herself with me and under me when she said — I do. It is my reflections, judgments, and discernment, which will ultimately decide how discipline is practiced and applied. I could write them down if I desire, but I will remember them and communicate them anyway. My wife learns, and has done very well that way. I’ve seen her grow in submission, and respond to discipline by turning some behavior around. I am pleased with her, and with the system of correction I use. She has never rebelled against my authority. She knows I have the right to discipline her.


10 responses to “Do You Have a Written Contract?”

  1. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

    I believe in this too, when you marry and you say, I Do it means that the wife is consenting to trusting & obeying and her husband and if he chooses to use discipline then the husband doesn’t need his wife’s permission as long as he isn’t abusing his power by abusing her. My Daddy never asked my Mom’s permission when be spanked her or when he chose to spank me and my siblings everyday. It was a given, we all knew he was the head of our home, period and that is just the way it was. I still look for that same authority in my home but its just not present. I want him to put me over his knee, I grew up this way it is what I am used to or was used to. I want and desire the kind of marriage you blog about. You’re wife is so blessed to have you’re love and firm hand when she exhibits bad behavior. You have molded and shaped her and I know it must be a beautiful thing to witness the transformation in your beautiful relationship with your wife. I wish all husbands could understand that most women desire to be submissive and be led by our husbands authority in the home. It gives us a calmness and a peace that surpasses all understanding.

  2. Long Time Practitioner Avatar
    Long Time Practitioner

    We have a clear contract for our financial situation. My current wife was very well employed for many years and has a good amount of money invested plus gets a decent pension. I get an excellent pension that will continue in the same amount for my wife if something happens to me. She sold her home to move into mine and that money went to make our mutual lives better. She has considerable latitude in her spending as I have in mine. We share the expenses and there are no financial secrets. Our charitable giving is shared and our gift giving is discussed before anything over $20 is expended. She understands implicitly that her body is mine for both pleasure and punishment as needed. We started the New Year off well with a spanking to end the old year and full sexual pleasure to start the new one. Our contract of submission consists of my hand and the implements needed to keep her being an excellent wife. Her bare red bottom was snuggled tight to me until New Year’s morning when we enjoyed mutual pleasure before we got up. That is all the contract we need for that aspect of our lives.

  3. […] to carry them out. Many husbands themselves cannot keep track of them all. Moreover, as with spanking contracts, if written lists of rules become the standard, then the wife will turn to a piece of paper to know […]

  4. We don’t have a formal contract. When I took my marriage vows that was my contract of obedience.

    1. Thank you for sharing about your marriage. Yes, I believe that is the best way to do things. Obedience is naturally included in the marriage vow.

  5. […] I’ve written about before, there are couples who make a separate spanking agreement, apart from their marriage. It usually is written, contains proper affirmation by both parties, and […]

  6. […] that you are careful in establishing discipline in your marriage. While I am convinced that the only consent needed for a man to spank his wife is her “I do” in the wedding ceremony, it is safer […]

  7. Searching Avatar

    Hi Aron, I am still making my way through your body of work. I have a few comments on contracts.

    I have always understood that marriage as NOT a contract, but the taking of a Oath through vows said before God and witnesses. A contract is an exchange of things, such as: I will build you a house and you will give me money or I will sell you a car and you will give me money. An oath is an exchange of persons not things. God said I am your God and you are my people. In marriage we exchange persons, I am yours and you are mine. In the ceremony, we are reminded that what God has joined together let no man put asunder. It is said contracts are made to be broken, but oaths with God are indesoluable. They can not be broken. That is why marriage is until death do us part.

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Yes. “Contract” is just a term that some people use for agreements regarding discipline. Marriage itself is above a contract, being a covenant. I am glad you recognize and respect that it lasts for life. Only death separates husband and wife.

      1. Searching Avatar

        Yes, yes. Covenant is a great word to use as well. Covenants with God are unbreakable! And marriage is a covenant because it is an exchange of persons.

        Thank you.

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