I write a great deal in my essays here about a woman’s obedience, and the good that correction can do for her. I give plenty of detailed instructions and advice on marital spanking. That does not mean there is never a call for a wife to object to a command, or to refuse. Not at all. There are unique and very rare cases when she can, as can anyone under an authority. Those cases are in refusing something which is sin before God, something evil in itself. I’ve been a conscientious objector in life myself, and I know others who have done the same in a way I respect. So for the purposes of teaching headship and submission, it’s necessary to point out there are times when disobedience is mandatory. We have to follow God’s law before man’s.
We can think of life examples which demonstrate the necessity of refusal sometimes. Many of the early Christian martyrs were objectors. The earliest post-New Testament martyr we know about was Polycarp, a very humble and godly man, who refused to worship the Roman Caesar and renounce Christ, and was executed as a result (I recommend reading the ancient account of his martyrdom, his own explanation, and the miracle which occurred). One hears stories about German or Russian officers, during the terrible conflicts of the 20th century, who were ordered to go into a home and slaughter the family inside. Instead, according to accounts, they went inside, shot their gun into the floor repeatedly, and left. In this post-Christian West, there are many conscientious objectors in business, those who refuse to celebrate immorality, even though the law demands they do. Sometimes they have won their battles by refusal to cooperate with evil. I think of the baker or florist who refused to celebrate a same-sex “wedding,” and the public school teacher (who appears in a documentary on the subject), who openly professed Christ in his classroom, and lost his job as a result. There is no authority on earth, no government on earth, who can demand someone commit sin. The subjects of such rulers, may selectively refuse any demand they sin.
That said, it’s important to point out a wife should not go about looking for a reason to refuse her husband. She should not be looking to name something as unethical when really it is not. A woman’s heart should be focused on growing in submission, and on learning that soft, gentle attitude she is to have towards her head. She should be finding ways to help her husband, and spending time in the work it takes to help him. She should have a heart response of “yes sir” to her man, and actively avoid refusing him. She is learning to move as his trusted assistant, as his hands and his feet. The need to ever refuse because of sin is rare, and she will usually know it when she sees it. In over 15 years of marriage, it has never come up for us.
While a wife may refuse anything sinful, I won’t try listing all sins. I do want to make mention of ones that come up in quite a few marriages, and are important to recognize. Firstly, a wife does not need to ever dress in a lewd and vulgar way in public for her husband. He has no right to demand she look like a harlot, or show off her flesh. She may show her body to him in the marriage bed, but her public appearance is modest and plain, not very sensual and certainly not sexual. A man who demands his wife dress sexually in public is demanding that she sin, which she may not do. She has a right to respectfully refuse such dress. A husband can decide on the overall manner of dress she practices, but it needs to be something which is modest and appropriate. His wife is neither a fashion diva nor a whore. Likewise, there are some husbands that try to actually lead their wives into immorality. They pressure them to bring other partners into bed with them, because they are bored, and due to the wicked temptations that play on every man. Such immorality, whether consensual or not, is adultery and is wicked. A wife is obliged to follow God, and must refuse such invitations from a husband.
Some husbands I’ve heard of try and prevent their wives from their obliged religious service. This is either because the woman was foolish enough to marry an unbeliever, one who is very hostile as well, or because the man lost his faith at some point. Worshiping with the brethren is an obligation for the Christian, and no wife could accept a demand she not practice her faith this way. Granted, the husband, who should be one of faith, will be the one who decides which services and when, but she is obliged at least to a regular weekly service, as well as naturally some time to pray and study the Scriptures at home. Similarly, many husbands try and pressure their wives to work outside the home. They want the extra money, and they have no comprehension of the value of the wife in the home. Because Scripture speaks clearly on this subject, and calls the wife to care for the home, a wife has to put her obligation to God before the insistence of her husband. His role is to lead her as a child of God. Not to prevent her from living as a child of God. He oversteps his bounds if he demands she do wrong.
Separation and purity are also a doctrine of the faith, even though many Christians ignore them. Husbands who desire their wives hang out in dens of iniquity are also naturally going outside their legitimate authority. A wife may refuse going out to places such as night clubs, casinos, drug houses, or worldly pagan revelries that call themselves parties. (Galatians 5:21, 1 Peter 4:3, 2 Corinthians 6:14-18, Ephesians 5:11, Revelation 18:4) There are some wholesome parties in the world, even among unbelievers, but if drunkenness, drug use, lewdness, immorality would be expected in that kind of setting, then it’s a place she has no reason being anyway. The Christian should avoid even the appearance of evil (1 Thessalonians 5:22), and should also not place themselves before temptation if it is hard for them. (1 Corinthians 6:18, Matthew 6:13) The Scripture even teaches us not to place evil things before our eyes. (Psalm 101:3) So unless you enter such a place merely to hand our Gospel tracts, there is no call to enter at all.
You sometimes hear that a wife may refuse intimacy with her husband. In this age where feminism has saturated the churches, this is almost accepted as dogma. Yet the opposite is true. To refuse sex with her husband is itself sin, and would be also for a husband to reject the affections of his wife. Neither partner may refuse the other, and a woman is called to obedience in the bedroom as anywhere else in marriage. It is a husband’s natural right to enjoy his wife sexually. She does not have to feel like it, even though it helps. Some may argue that this is true, but she may still refuse certain acts based on conscience, but this is wrong for basically the same reason. If intimacy is never to be rejected, then the acts that make up intimacy, and form its parts, are not to be refused either. She would need to show that the acts are evil to make such an argument, but they are not. It’s true, many traditionalists will still claim that a wife may respectfully refrain from anal sex with her husband, due to the unnatural character of the act, and its possible harms. The act is absurdly against nature, and I discourage couples from practicing it. However, seeing as it is hard to show it is always evil, and many husbands are willing to mitigate its harms through care and protection, I don’t believe she ought to reject anal either. It is not serious enough to warrant marital friction, or refusal. She should simply explain her concerns to her husband, and ask him to respect that. I believe a loving husband would listen with real consideration. At the minimum he would take it infrequently, and at best respect her desire, and find a better way to treat her.
While I highlight some areas of intrinsic evil, that a wife may legitimately refuse, we need to recognize that she may not refuse simply what she considers poor decisions. No assistant in the world may do so. Most decisions in life amount to judgment calls, with arguments going for either side. She needs to respect her husband’s decision even if she thinks it’s not the right one. She may lovingly advise him. But once he has decided, she needs to accept it, and help him accomplish the goal. Likewise, while matters of morality decide any possible refusal on her part, the husband does decide on the application of said morality in the home. He decides what specifically amounts to modest dress. He decides exactly how separation from the world is practiced. He decides if they go to church once per week or three times. The judgment calls in that arena are his to make also. They are not matters of good or evil, but of drawing lines, and making application. The wife is subject to her husband in these areas.
While refusal of an evil command is a right, we need to know how it is done from the submissive position. As anyone would tell you, a wife’s refusal needs to be done with the heart she has been taught to have — a gentle, meek, and modest heart. She may not command her husband, yell at him, or lecture him. She can gently explain that she may not do something, because it would require she disobey God. She is unable to do that, even though she accepts him as her lord. She might explain why it goes against God. She may have the opportunity to answer questions and explain herself, but that’s it. She gives a simple witness to her faith that way as well. Remember, 1 Peter 3:1-6 teaches that an ungodly husband is won, not by his wife’s words, but by her gentle spirit and her good deeds. If you want to win your husband to the Lord, including ungodly professed believers, show it by your loving and meek spirit, and by doing good to him and to others. It can win his heart.
How would a godly man refuse to follow the unjust command of governing authorities? Here are Polycarp’s words on being commanded to renounce Christ:
“For eighty and six years have I been his servant, and he has done me no wrong, and how can I blaspheme my King who saved me?”
But when he persisted again, and said: “Swear by the genius of Caesar,” he answered him: “If you vainly suppose that I will swear by the genius of Caesar, as you say, and pretend that you are ignorant who I am, listen plainly: I am a Christian. And if you wish to learn the doctrine of Christianity fix a day and listen.” The Pro-Consul said: “Persuade the people.” And Polycarp said: “You I should have held worthy of discussion, for we have been taught to render honour, as is meet, if it hurt us not, to princes and authorities appointed by God. But as for those, I do not count them worthy that a defense should be made to them.”
And the Pro-Consul said: “I have wild beasts. I will deliver you to them, unless you repent.” And he said: “Call for them, for repentance from better to worse is not allowed us; but it is good to change from evil to righteousness.” And he said again to him: “I will cause you to be consumed by fire, if you despise the beasts, unless you repent.” But Polycarp said: “You threaten with the fire that burns for a time, and is quickly quenched, for you do not know the fire which awaits the wicked in the judgment to come and in everlasting punishment. But why are you waiting? Come, do what you will.”
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