How Spanking Makes Men Better Leaders

We often hear about how spanking can build a woman’s submission, or better her in other ways. I write regularly about that topic myself. I believe we hear a little less about how spanking his wife helps a husband in his role. This element deserves more than passing mention, and is of great significance in the marriage. Beyond delivering punishment, and deterring bad behavior,  spanking reinforces our roles — a wife in her softness and submission, a husband in his strength and leadership. The one giving the spanking receives quite a lot.

Spanking often is the reminder a man needs that he is in charge. Men in this culture are force fed a sickening egalitarianism regarding marriage, or if they are taught headship, as they are still in some churches, they receive an unclear, not very authoritative rendering of headship. That lends itself to the soft man. The passive man. The man who lets his wife do as she pleases, and never clearly takes charge of her. All he has heard is this headship that is lacking in strength. Spanking makes his authority much clearer, and gets rid of any doubts about who is in charge.

Spanking makes that old passive man disappear. It absolutely requires that a husband know he has authority. It demands he sets rules. It lets him know it’s his role to govern his wife and use the oversight he has to guide and correct her when needed. Just as a spanked wife learns quickly through her kneeling, her undress, and the searing rebuke on her bottom that she needs to obey her husband, a man learns by giving her this correction that he needs to lead his wife. This cannot be done without involvement, without all the aspects of governing a home there are. It can turn around a passive man nearly overnight. A man with his wife over his knee knows he is in charge.

He learns from his wife’s submission, and from her acceptance of punishment, that he does not need to fear her either. She is not a competitor who can wear the crown. She is not someone who will put him down or embarrass him. She is clay in his hands, there for him to shape and manage as he wills. There is no longer the obstacle of fear males learn in the West. There is no need for warfare. He has real authority, and a woman’s attitude or mouth doesn’t ever take away from it. He leads her and can correct her because he has that role and she does not. Once he realizes this — that it is about roles and not personalities, that it is about authority and not about conflict — he can govern her well and confidently. Spanking is the clearest example of this, and allows him to see that she really is in his hands.

Spanking shows a man the fair and reasoned way to govern. It points the way to the use of good rules, of careful instruction, and of fair-minded calm punishment. It shows him the truly loving way to lead. The alternatives, as many have already experienced, are men who are too scared and passive to lead, or those who simply get angry, and even violent in response to their wife’s bad behavior. A good discipline system avoids both of these errors. While hate-filled critics like to claim that spanking is or leads to abuse, the exact opposite is true. It takes marital discord that leads millions of people to anger, insult, verbal abuse, and violence, and wonderfully replaces it with a just system of discipline.

The potentially angry husband learns there is no need to be angry. There is no real threat to his power at all. The husband who might be tempted to start screaming learns he has a means to deal with it in calm. Like any just king, he simply needs to fairly enforce the rules of his kingdom, and deliver punishment when it is deserved. He learns the purpose is good and loving, and for the benefit of all. It’s not a battle of wills, or a marital fight, that brings misery to the home, misery to the children, and often the violence of divorce. Instead it is a calm, loving correction. He discerns the situation, gives a verbal correction when necessary to a wife who will listen, or disciplines her with a spanking if she has earned one. In turn, instead of thinking she is in charge and can tell him what to do, a wife learns to listen, seeks to avoid breaking the rules, and tries to make him happy. Spanking, you might say, brings civil order and justice to the Wild West of marriage. It brings principle to reign over personality. It takes an often volatile or violent situation, and brings it to peace. It is a civilized act, unlike much of what goes on in marriages.

Spanking also helps a husband lead by making sure he is involved in his wife’s life. He knows her needs better. He learns to keep abreast of what she is doing. He learns her goals. Her strengths and weaknesses. There is a greater closeness when the leader actually leads, and has concern with the growth of his wife. She in turn knows his loving care for her, and his encouragement towards her goals and her growth in godliness. She knows his love. She confesses her wrongs. As the man becomes involved in guiding his wife, they know their belonging and oneness better. A man who spanks his wife is shaping her on the inside, and can carefully see and tend to all of her vulnerabilities. His wife learns deep trust in him, and learns to hold nothing back, as her man sees all of her. It engages and involves both deeply in marriage, through the man’s active management of his wife.

While spanking punishes a wife’s bad behavior, it also helps the discipline of the husband administering it. It’s hard to be undisciplined when you have responsibility for another human soul, and practice important oversight. Laziness fades away when you learn to be consistent with correcting a wife, either verbally or physically. Indifference or apathy give way to motivation and action, which are required for leading a woman. The consistency that a regular system of discipline requires works on the man like a workout routine. He becomes more disciplined himself. He becomes sharper in mind and greater in endurance. He becomes firmer as well, as he learn to calmly stand up to his wife’s excuses and attempts to avoid responsibility. A spanked wife is growing as a woman. A spanking husband is growing as a man. Disciplining her trains self-discipline into him.

Spanking, since it is connected to the lifeblood of headship and submission in marriage, rests on a good foundation. Since it rests on these things, it also points those who use it toward them. It always reminds you what your job is. That is why a simple desire for spanking in marriage typically turns into a discovery of real male leadership, and a woman’s softness towards him. I hear those stories all the time of men and women who discovered their roles by discovering spanking. It leads the way to that great truth, that greater whole near the heart of marriage. Men discover this too, as they find in correcting an errant wife their own real authority and discover their need to lead. Then it all opens up, and the picture becomes clear. He becomes a ruler of the home, and justly judges over his kingdom. He brings peace where there was conflict, and harmony where there was a battle of wills. He discovers his dusty crown and scepter, and begins learning to use them. Spanking restores order, and shows a man he is king.


17 responses to “How Spanking Makes Men Better Leaders”

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  2. Hello Aron,

    Another great post! Thank you so much for all the encouragement and blessings you provide through this site.

    My husband and I have been married for just over a year and a half. He uses spanking to discipline me and the practice has proven to be revolutionary in maintaining peace in our home. Our issue is that my husband isn’t consistent with my punishments. He will often say that I’ve earned a punishment and then will forget about it by the time we arrive home. I remind him once in a while, but each time I do, I feel as if I’m undermining his authority by reminding him to punish me. As you’ve pointed out in a couple of past posts, the lack of consistency feels damaging and I sometimes feel as if our busy lives are more important than his leadership in our marriage.

    How can I help my husband to be more consistent with punishments and as a leader in our home, while maintaining mine as a submissive wife?

    Thank you so much! Praying for the continued success of this site.

    1. Hello Jaim, I’m really happy you’ve found my website helpful. Congratulations on having discipline in your young marriage.

      I hope I can help you, but I know it’s not easy. Other women face a similar challenge. You can’t really demand he be consistent, but you know you need it and want it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with reminding him if he’s forgot. It’s not disrespectful if said with reverence and respect for his decision. He might legitimately forget, especially if he has a lot to do. I forget things all the time. But naturally you don’t want to sound like you’re nagging, or telling him what to do.

      Realize, it’s possible that he simply doesn’t view spanking as all that important, and he may not have embraced it in the way you have. If that’s the case, he might never be the consistent disciplinarian with you. However, you still need to learn to submit fully to him, to honor him, and learn from his other forms of correction for you. You ought to be prepared to learn in that way, and if you desire to be submissive in your heart, I believe you will make progress, with or without spanking.

      There’s also nothing wrong with just having a gentle, and honest discussion with him, and letting him know how much consistency help you. Let him know how you feel, and how being firm helps you submit. Believe me, I have heard stories of husbands who embrace it, and turn into clear disciplinarians because of their wife’s needs. You shouldn’t press it, but be honest about your feelings.

      I hope that helps. Feel free to share any updates with us, or to write me privately.


    2. Quiet Man Avatar

      If I can humbly offer a suggestion. I know consistency is hard and forgetting is easier for the husband than for the wife usually. Something that might help is selecting a discipline outfit. Usually a specific nightgown or other pajamas that you both understand are only worn for that purpose. Some choose something that is juvenile or specifically humbling for the wife but it doesn’t have to be. When the wife knows that discipline is coming she can lay it out or put it on and it will be a subtle reminder to the husband of his responsibility. No words are needed. If he ends up falling asleep in a chair because he’s so tired – he awakens the next morning to see his wife in her discipline outfit and he remembers he has a job to do. Perhaps if they have company she would wear it several nights until the discipline can take place. I think it also goes a long way into helping the wife prepare herself mentally for her discipline.
      For biblical minded folks its a little like the Old Testament practice of wearing sackcloth and ashes during periods of grief and loss.

  3. I just love this article, Aron! Strong male headship is a beautiful, wondrous part of God’s plan for marriage, and something I give thanks to Him for everyday. Serving God by obeying my husband and showing him my respect and deference is deeply fulfilling. I know what benefits a wife may expect to gain from being ruled with a firm hand, but to read about the benefits the man may experience from marital discipline was truly fascinating to me. I’d long wondered whether a man might resent his wife for her transgressions or the time it takes to correct her. But your article helped me to see a different side. I like the idea of a man fostering his own self-discipline and enjoying a well-earned sense of accomplishment as his wife lays over his knee, softening to his correction and becoming a better woman by his hand. In that sense, it doesn’t seem like a burden for the dear husband, but a fulfilling part of his role as her leader. Their marriage is strong due to his careful, loving oversight. Surely, her gratitude to him in the coming days also serves to bolster his sense that he is the king of his home. It’s just lovely to read of the power God has bestowed on men alone, and the splendor that results from the rightful exercise of their authority over their loving wives. God has shaped the hearts of women to be utterly drawn to displays of male strength, and uniquely responsive to discipline from their men. It’s for our protection and our betterment. Thank you for such a fascinating read! I just keep coming back to it.

    1. I’m very honored you got so much out of the article. I believe it’s an important angle we need to see, even though discipline focuses on the lady. Giving discipline fosters much growth in a man. That will only benefit them both. Bless you.

  4. This completely resonated with me. It was a very unexpected byproduct of my submission — my husband became a better leader, period!
    Not just in the household, but in all aspects of life, especially his work. He made the connection about six months after we accepted our roles with him as head of household and my disciplinarian. He said he was more thoughtful at work, more deliberate, but more decisive once done with deliberating. He said that he feels my complete submission to him was the cause. He takes his role seriously. As he likes to quote, “With great power comes great responsibility.” And his “power” over me is indeed great and something he cherishes and takes seriously. He knows his decisions have power, thus he is more thoughtful than he ever was pre-Domestic Discipline when it comes to making household decisions. He said this created a habit within him to be more thoughtful in all his decisions, big or small. Think through what is really important, in the moment and in the long run. Think about the impact of his decisions both in advance and after the fact. For him, reflecting on the impact of his decisions was something he rarely did in the past. Now it’s habit, and it is how he has evolved into an even more effective leader as he stays in tune with striving to make sure his decisions and actions have the intended impact. Having him in charge of me and as a disciplinarian has 100% made him a better husband, father, friend, worker, and person! And it’s done wonders for me as well! hee-hee.
    Great post!!! Thank you.

    1. Thank you for your comment. I’m really glad to hear about the changes taking charge of discipline has made for your husband. I believe many more marriages can expect the same.

  5. CoTxGrl83 Avatar

    This post has absolutely all of the deep intricacies that are built between a husband and wife practicing this lifestyle.

    1. Thank you. I tried to portray it as realistically as possible.

  6. […] The second prong of my lesson was of course the pain and humbling of the spanking itself. I was still mentally processing my busted fantasy and my utter lack of power in this new situation (my husband is far stronger than me, so there was no way I was getting out of whatever he thought I had coming). I was also feeling childishly wronged. It was so unfair to blame me for taking too long to get ready! I can’t help it that I’m a woman! He likes my long hair and lip gloss and pretty dresses! I dress up for him! Now he’s punishing me for this? I felt this overwhelming need to explain myself to him – if he would just listen, he would understand – but he wasn’t having any of it. I really didn’t like having the tables turned on me right before what was supposed to have been a beautiful expression of my love for him. I was supposed to be lovingly offering up my pain to him as a sacrifice for the good of our marriage, not being unfairly punished for something that wasn’t my fault. I felt rebellious and angry and hurt, and I let him know he was just plain wrong to do this. That’s when he grabbed me by the arm and marched me into his study. I was still trying to stop this, or at least slow down the process, arguing with him and trying to squirm out of his grasp so I could face him properly when he pushed me down hard over the top of his desk. He had my bottom bared in two seconds flat. The shock of him manhandling me like that and then being stripped half-naked so suddenly was enough to convince me to close my mouth. We were past the point where I could convince him otherwise, if there ever had been such a time. I felt vulnerable and suddenly very frightened. Bare skin can’t fight back. I knew my husband loved me, but this was new territory for us both and I had no idea what to expect. The only thing I knew with perfect clarity was that my man was in charge.  […]

  7. […] of deciding on what kind of a system to use, and eventually of making adjustments. He may even be new to leadership entirely. It is safe to expect that there will be a few humps to get over, especially during that […]

  8. Gee whiz Avatar

    My husband and I are in an ongoing discussion about your blog. He’s been dealing with a lot and today he told me that he’s been too depressed and doesn’t feel confident enough in his own person to spank me. He said he feels like it would be fake because he just doesn’t feel strong inside and like he could be confident to do this in a real way.

    1. Hello, Thank you for writing about your situation. I’m glad you can see the value in spanking. It can take time for a man to be ready, as well as confident, to lead clearly and discipline his wife. That is bolder than some men usually are. I think it’s a good idea for him to read the material, especially those articles which are most central to the subject. However, he needs a clear view of what leadership is. It may be he has had many distorted views in the past. It may be he is inexperienced with it, at least in marriage, and needs to move forward slowly.

      Moreover, if he is generally feeling down, I can see how he’d feel averse to a practice that sounds like it requires much strength and energy. I view my own leadership, and my correction of my wife, as a responsibility. I do it even if I don’t feel like it It is important to the home, so I need to value it. I would urge other men to see it this way too. Your submission and your cooperation can help your husband see that it’s not as hard as he may think. They will let him see you are soft, and easily correctable. Seeing you in your role, being obedient and meek to him, will help him get a view of his own role, in guiding and disciplining you.

      One important thing to know is that being the head of the home does not require unique skills. It may help to have some extra skills, but they are not necessary. it is a role to fulfill. When both man and wife are doing their jobs, nearly any man can do it. It amounts to accepting the position of authority, making benevolent rules, offering guidance and instruction, and giving discipline when bad behavior demands it. These are simply things, and don’t need to be done with rhetoric brilliance, or some loud forceful demeanor. It is a job to do with self-control, wisdom, and love.

      I hope it works out for both of you in bringing discipline into your marriage.

  9. Without a word Avatar
    Without a word

    Aron this post is so incredibly comforting and fills me with such hope to read it, thank you.

    I think one of the reasons that men are not strong leaders is if they are not mindful about being obedient servants themselves. They are not thinking of their wife, their marriage, their children, their home, as something they are called to steward/lead/order in such a way as to please Christ. There is no vision of having a home life that is about loving and fearing God and presenting something to Him out of it all. The idea that their family and its outcomes is something that God will call them to account for is not something that has ever been instilled in them, and so the idea of leading the house is seen as selfish or controlling as it is seen as something they would only do for their own desires or convenience, which seems rightly to be petty and undesirable. Rather than understanding that it is something they do as the foremost example of what it means to have their own lives ordered under Christ, that it is them and their house as a living example of the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about 1 Peter 3:2 which talks about a husband who does not obey the word, and how he may be won over by the chaste and reverent behavior of his wife.

    Realistically, there is no husband who is perfectly obedient to the word, and therefore there is no husband who would not benefit by the convicting influence if possible of the example of an obedient, peaceful, and reverent wife. As women embarking on a journey of learning submission and obedience we do well to fear that we would try to lead our husbands or rule over them, because this is not right for us to do. But one way that it seems God does
    seem to prescribe or allow us to have a leading influence is for us to lead in silence without a word, by letting our husband feel what reverent submission and mindful good behavior looks like by wholly offering it to him in wholehearted subjection in the fear of God. And that perhaps this will make him desire to submit himself to God more too. At least this seems to be the idea behind it all, although it is somewhat less inspiring to fully submit oneself to one who is not wholeheartedly submitting himself to God at all times. Yet it is hopeful to know that one’s submission to one’s husband is submission to God all the same.

    My own husband reminded me the other day of where first Peter says that if you are buffeted for your faults and take it patiently that it is of no credit to you. There are no brownie points for taking a spanking well, it is simply the expected and regular order of things for one who has disobeyed. But maybe it somehow still works to sober the disciplinarian with the taste of reverent submission being submitted to him.

    At any rate it does seem if a woman would seek to have leadership or influence over her husband it is forbidden, but what is offered to her instead is guileless and non-manipulative influence by taking her place on her knees before God and on her knees before her husband, obeying and subjecting herself to him in all things with a quiet and gentle spirit. It would seem that if she is concerned with her husband and family loving and fearing God, that the best place for her to start is with loving and fearing (literally, reverencing) her husband to the fullest extent possible before God. What a wild and tall order! It seems the path of righteous intercession starts with wholehearted subjection.

    It’s a beautiful thought and I hope that if she needs him in her weakness to strengthen her to her task with the help of his rod to be such a creature, that as he learns to use his rod to do so, in some way it may help him be more mindful of his own need of obedience and discipline to the Lord.
    At least, I truly hope that it does really work out that way.

  10. I asked my husband this morning, “Are you sure you’re not going to get bored with all this deference?”

    He replied, sleepily, ” No. ”

    Then I said, ” So you’re sure you don’t want some feistiness in your life?”

    He looked at me and replied, ” I am definitely bored with THAT. ”

    I never knew that a man requiring my ongoing deference would be such a reassuring feeling, really. But it is. I said, “thank you for receiving my submission. There are a lot of men out there that I could have ended up with who would have said something to me like, ‘I don’t want you to submit to me! I want us to be equals!’ I am so relieved you are not that guy.”

    I had a decision to make today about some thing important. I presented my options to him, and he already knows the pros and cons of each one. He told me what he thought I should do, so made that choice. Later I told him that I was feeling afraid of whether or not it is the right choice and he quoted 1st Peter to me about Sarah’s obedience, “let nothing terrifying terrify you.”

    It’s so sweet feeling his leadership emerge towards me.

  11. elizaishis Avatar

    My husband has become a better leader and father with spanking. He knows his rightful place in our home

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