Continuing Discipline when Children are in the Home

Most couples enjoy the early period of their marriage, when they have all their time to themselves, and go out whenever they wish. All time is alone time with your beloved. All activities center on you two. As it applies to discipline, that solitude means that you can take care of a correction very quickly. You are free to make some noise during a spanking. Every room of the home is open as a place where discipline happens, as long as the windows are covered. This changes when children come along; first one, then more, and the rooms of the home become taken up with their presence and their activity. Just as it becomes a challenge to go out alone, it becomes a challenge to take care of discipline in the same way you’d become accustomed. When you reach this point, you will see a few things have to change in a big way, but discipline can still continue as long as you adjust your system.

The most immediate change is that you’ll soon start looking for more silent instruments. Perhaps you won’t need to immediately when the child is still an infant, since there is little newborns understand. But it does not take long before the sound of a punishment session would disturb them. Silent instruments or methods become the norm once children are around. The loopy is among the most popular, but there are others. Blind rods are also very silent, but can be bent or broken easily. A variety of cords also reach the goal, as do non-spanking methods such as capsaicin cream, which will leave the skin hot until the next day. The cane isn’t too loud, and it delivers a fierce bite.

Partners who want to have a session where they can express themselves much more — and it can be helpful to do so — will have to plan on it. They’ll need to either leave their children with a trusted party, or travel to a nearby location where they can be alone. We’ve had family take our children to the park before when I wanted to deal with discipline in a noise-making way. The ability of a woman to vocalize herself while being spanked can be valuable, both in her sorrow and her tears. Sometimes a loud instrument is the best one to use anyway. I know some couples even go out to a vehicle, or a garage to get solitude and silence. A lot can depend on your circumstances, but with planning you can find a situation where silence is not necessary.

Naturally, having children also means spankings are done less immediately. Early in marriage there is nothing stopping a young husband from simply turning his wife over his knee immediately, lifting up her skirt, and spanking away. Or from taking her to any room of his choice, the living room, the bedroom, the bathroom, the study, and delivering a proper whipping on the spot. Two young couples I’ve spoken to recently told me that’s the way the man prefers to do things — bend her over and punish her right when he sees the bad behavior. After children, waiting to deliver discipline becomes more normal. Men will find they need to let their wives know more often that they’re going to have to have a talk later: We’ll deal with this tonight. We’ll deal with this tomorrow. I’m going to have a talk with you at the end of the week. A little wait is not a bad thing of course, but I don’t recommend waiting over a day, since a longer wait can really separate the mind from the wrong that has been done. It can make it harder to see the seriousness of the wrong, and the importance of correction.

Having children around also means that spanking instruments will need to be carefully kept away from sight. A new husband might be comfortable keeping a paddle, or a strap lying out on the table, or hanging on the wall, for his wife to see anytime. When you’re free to do that, it’s visibility can even be a useful reminder to her. With children, instruments are kept away, with the exception of ones that are ordinary household objects, such as a belt or a hairbrush, and these can be left in appropriate locations, being innocent to some, and a warning to others. The exception to this would be when the instrument is used for disciplining children too. If that is the case, and children know they can be spanked, there is nothing odd about having a paddle out. No one needs to know it is used on the lady of the house as well.

The question also arises if it’s alright for children to know that the wife gets spanked. People also ask themselves if they’ll just find out on their own anyway, since it’s inevitable that not all spankings will be as silent or private as hoped. Most houses aren’t all that big, and sometimes children’s sleep across the hall from the parents. There’s plenty of room for disagreement there, and I don’t think there is any right answer. While spankings are inherently private, and children should not be viewing them, I see nothing wrong with children knowing that mother gets spanked, just like they get spanked. They know what a punishment is, and they know when someone is bad they get punished. It’s within their understanding, even if the act itself and its details ought to be shaded from view.

I would avoid telling younger children, especially since they are apt to tell others, who have no business knowing. I believe it’s safer to wait until they are more mature, and then let them know. If you prefer to keep it a secret even until they are adults, that is up to you. Some people feel much shame about the act, along with embarrassment. If it really makes you uncomfortable, then don’t share it. However, children are not stupid, and if they’ve seen the signs, there’s a good idea they’ve guessed already. A man spanking his wife, however it might be ridiculed by society, is not hard to understand, and a child of any age can grasp it. It will stand as one more way of reinforcing that the man is in charge.


NOTE: Occasionally I get e-mails from readers, whom I then respond to, only to get a returned mail a few seconds later. I don’t know why it is returned, whether a technical problem, or a recently deleted e-mail account. However, if you have written me, and I did not respond, then there is some kind of problem, as I respond to every e-mail, usually within a day. That is excepting some hate mail or long-term harassers. If I didn’t respond to you, feel free to write again from another e-mail. Thank you.

Congratulations to South Korea, which appeared second after the U.S. for website visitors two days in a row. SK also appeared in the top five several days after that. I know there are many husbands who still are traditional heads of home in East Asia, and who punish their wives. I do thank the commenter who shared my website with South Koreans online, for helping to share the message with our friends there.


22 responses to “Continuing Discipline when Children are in the Home”

  1. We haven’t told our children as feel they are too young yet. I would like to tell them when they are older. I’m proud that I’m a submissive wife but society doesn’t see it like that.
    My husband punishes during school time as he works from home part of the the discipline is held back until those days. During holidays it is harder and can leave a longer gap if a punishment is needed.

  2. My husband and I just read your article together, and I can’t tell you how much we appreciate hearing advice from a man who is both a husband and a father. Children are a holy blessing, but I know our lives will change in many ways once our little one joins us. Thankfully, we have a lot of time before our child would begin to notice or wonder about anything. I am not very quiet when I’m being disciplined, and I know I’ll need to work on this to prepare for the time when little ears become curious.

    It’s very important to both of us that I model respectful behavior towards my husband in front of our children. He is the head of our home, and they must defer to him as well. I call him sir, and I think they should as well. Whether boys or girls, children should see how men and women are commanded by God to behave in marriage. They should know their father sets rules which their mother follows. I expect I may be given a warning or even chastised by my husband in their presence, and I think that is good and righteous for them to see. If I’ve done wrong, I will apologize openly and make amends, and they will see their father’s forgiveness and love for their mother.

    It embarrasses me, though, to think of them knowing that their father spanks me. It will be his decision, of course, but no one in our lives knows this (aside from your readers), and it’s such an intimate act. I don’t think they should know until they’re ready for marriage themselves, so they know what happiness is possible, and what is expected from a wife and the husband she serves. It makes my heart swell to think that someday I could be talking with my daughter about these things, helping her adjust to a new marriage in ways I had to learn on my own.

    I wonder if we’ll ever reach the point where we accept headship in marriage fully, and allow our men to become the glorious, fearsome leaders they were meant to be. I don’t know, maybe this is something we should talk with our children about so that it becomes a natural part of life and part of their expectations for marriage, long before they’ve met their spouse. I’m so glad that I won’t be raising a child on my own, and that my husband will make these important decisions which will shape our children’s futures. We talk about everything together, and he listens so sweetly to me (lately, I just ramble on with my pregnancy brain), but in the end, we’ll do what he thinks is best, and that is so comforting to me.

    What a lovely article, Aron! I hope many of your readers are blessed with children of their own as well.

    1. Thank you. I’m glad the article blessed you. Children are one of the most important things we could hope and pray for. The modeling of father and mother are so important for them. I know you will both do a very good job.

  3. Wondering Avatar

    I think this article is very true. We have 4 older kids all still living at home. All of them know a wife is supposed to submit to her husband, but that’s the extent of what they know. When we started this earlier this year, it happened to be when all the kids were gone. And there actually was a couple weeks this summer that all of them were gone and noise didn’t matter. But we have found a quiet implement that almost has no sound, and is quite effective. 😅 Anyway, yeah sometimes kids are made aware of discipline in the home with regards to the mom. And my kids know that SOMETIMES I think women deserve it. They just don’t know that I know I deserve it too. 😂

    1. A Learning Wife Avatar
      A Learning Wife

      Do they know that you receive discipline?
      Have they heard you during a punishment?
      Would you share your submission and discipline with your daughters to help them become submissive like you ?

  4. ThatWifeLife Avatar

    Mom of 6 children ages 0-10. It can be very difficult as a large family to find someone who can take all the kids at once. (Like this happens about once a year.) So my husband and I save those rare times we have a sitter for date nights, not discipline. We always do one of two things for discipline: either wait until all the kids are good and asleep with some fans for extra white noise (this often ends up being around 1 AM before he’s satisfied that they won’t be getting back up again;) or we have them play on the covered back porch while we close all the house windows and take care of business at any time of day. We live in the country, and the children are behaved enough to stay on the back porch together when we tell them to, so the 2nd option is available to us. We’ve talked about the possibility of using the garage, but it’s never actually happened. One time we turned the shower on for extra white noise early in the morning while they were still sleeping, and he had me lean over the sink, but he hasn’t chosen that option since.

  5. We had the same thoughts when I became pregnant, but my husband decided that it would be hard to keep our kind of relationship a secret from our children, and that telling them at some arbitrary point later might undermine their trust in their parents.
    I also think it’s easier to explain it to smaller children (“Like you have to obey Daddy, Mommy also has to obey Daddy, and if Mommy disobeys Daddy she gets punished just like you do”), than to older ones who might already have been influenced by the modern world.
    My daughters accepted those explanations well, they are convinced that discipline is a “girl thing” because the discipline of my son is in my husband’s hands alone and never even discussed with my daughters or even myself.
    I have the privilege of getting spanked only in the privacy of his basement room, but my non-spanking punishments like corner time, silence, grounding, chores, loss of privileges are usually public like those of the girls.
    It is surely a humbling experience for me to be punished like a child in front of my children, but that’s probably a good thing and keeps me an obedient wife most of the time.

    1. Shropsgirl Avatar

      You are the mother and therefore over your son! He will grow up with zero respect for you or any other women. Marital discipline is about being equal but different… never beneath.

      [edited by Aron for content]

      1. My son does respect and obey me as his mother. It’s just that I’m not involved in his discipline.
        If I see a problem with his attitude, I tell my husband and he deals with it as he sees fit.
        As far as my know my husband’s discipline he’d probably get off with a much lighter punishment if I did it…
        I’m equal with my husband before God, but certainly not in our marriage. He decides and leads, I obey and serve, he makes the rules, I have to follow them. So in the hierarchy of our family I’m beneath him, without question.
        When my husband isn’t at home, I’m the highest “ranking” person in the family and I try to act according to my husband’s intentions as good as I can. I very rarely discipline my daughters, and I never discipline my son – I believe that discipline is ultimately the responsibility of the head of the household, not his deputy, and – frankly – I do not like doing it.
        We want to raise our son to become a god-fearing leader of his future family, so my husband will not humiliate him by making his punishments public. My daughters and I should become (or stay) submissive, obedient wives, so teaching us a bit of humility is probably a good thing.

    2. You are very good obedient woman ! You understand your place under your husband’s authority, I’m glad you’re daughters have good role Model for them to be submissive to their future husbands.

    3. Debbie L this was the way it worked in our home also. All our children knew and accepted that their mother was spanked for disobedience. Of course, she was never spanked in front of them, but they often knew their mom was being punished and some aspects of her punishment were public just as they were for you. All our Children grew up accepting that physical correction was part of the Christian marriage. They were never allowed to disrespect Jane in any way. This was the way things were run in Jane’s family, though I ran things a little more discreetly than her father who conducted family corrections in a somewhat more open way.

  6. I’m curious for those of you who have told your kids are you glad you did? Did it create a greater sense of respect because their world “felt” more just? Anyone have boys that struggled with this happening to their mom? We don’t have kids yet. Excited to hear different perspectives on this.

  7. We use a teak bath brush from Bed Bath and Beyond to keep the spanking quiet. It is a heavy implement, so some care is required. Still, the teen years are beyond challenging in a smaller house. There may be times when spanking seems impossible for long stretches. So long as you both understand why that is and that it is only lasting for a season, and faithfully live out your marriage roles in anticipation of resuming discipline, you will survive that phase.

  8. I think I would rather have the children know at a younger age that mama gets spanked by daddy (just like they do) when I misbehave than wait til they are older. That way it’s just normal to them and they don’t think its weird or something like that. Even if they don’t know that she’s spanked, they should know that daddy can and will punish mama when she’s bad because he is our leader. Just my thoughts 😊

    1. That makes a lot of sense. Thank you, Dixie.

    2. Thanks! It sounds like you guys balance warmth and order in your marriage. I’m sure that’s a blessing for your kids.

  9. Johanna Avatar

    Could you create an private Facebook group with a name that does not include diciplin or something. Where we could meet exact other and talk to each other ?
    Have been married 2 years no kids yet.

    1. Hello Johanna, That’s a good idea. I do not have the time to create or moderate such a group. However, I know a reader here has created a similar group, and another one created a website for such interaction. Perhaps they could provide those links to you, or contact you privately.

  10. Samantha Avatar

    Hi Aaron,

    I’m a woman with a husband who really wants children but I don’t. Is it my job to listen to him or can I say no?

    1. Hello Samantha, Thank you for your question. Every couple ought to really want children. That is the central purpose of marriage itself, which naturally includes intimacy. Those children are a blessing not only to the parents, but to the world. They are our future.

      Naturally, your husband has the authority to decide that you will have children, even if you are feeling hesitant, or do not want them. He is your head, and you need to respect his decision on all matters. That means having children with him.

      I hope you come to a real understanding of its goodness and purpose and find the inner desire to bear children as well. I believe once you see your own child, and hold him in your arms, you will see its goodness more clearly.

  11. Sometimes we don’t know how Bless we are until you hear other’s story. We were bless, when we bought our second home- we had two children then. It was big home with 4 bedroom on the second story and the home had a finished basement with a suspended ceiling (about sound proof down there). My husband would make an appointment with me: “children in bed no later than 9:00 pm, you check on them about 9:45 to make sure they are asleep and I will be waiting on you at 10:00 in the basement in my spanking chair” I must say I am a cry baby. As he spanked me I could cry and scream and twist and squirm kick like crazy- I couldn’t help it. But I am sure the children never heard anything.

    I was with our children (which became 3) a lot more than he was, And give the children the majority of their spanking. We didn’t want the children to know I was spanked too. We didn’t want to undermine my authority with them. Aron you agree or disagree with that.

    One detail that might help a few. About once a month we hired a baby sitter and when out to eat and more. Some time the more included a walk in a park – a walk to a very remote part of the park, where he would spank me at times.

    1. Thanks for your comment, Jelena. I don’t think it’s a problem if the children know, as long as it is done in private. People in authority, as you are over your children, certainly can get punished and do.

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