Many wives working on being submissive, and unlearning past bad habits, are venturing into new territory. Being obedient to a man, other than her boss at work, is often something unfamiliar to her, and she’s even learned previously to reject the idea. She has made the courageous decision to head into new land, but isn’t familiar with all the landmarks, geography, and climate of her new home. What does submission feel like? How does it speak? How does it respond to a husband’s words, commands, or his failings? One tendency a woman has in this new territory is to overdo submission. A woman can become too silent, or think her thoughts don’t count to her husband. Although it has righteous ends, and is admirable, a dedication to submission need to take in the full view of marriage and a wife’s role in the home. It is not two dimensional, but is rich and deep, in its gentleness and its strength.
Newly submissive wives who put their mind to being meek, and letting their husband speak, are trying to train themselves out of being the decision maker, or out of being loud or rude. However, at times they stigmatize speaking itself, which of course is an exaggerated form of submission. A meek and humble wife may speak and share her thoughts. She simply does so with respect for her man’s authority, and and with the goal of helping him. She does not try to dominate a conversation. She does so in order, letting him speak at length, and letting him have the final say, but she voices her thoughts nonetheless, be they opinions, feelings, insights, or needs. She can do so in a way that is not demanding, and does not pressure her husband. It can take time to train yourself out of words which make demands or insist he do something, but any wife can learn to do this.
Voicing a disagreement is even possible as a submissive woman. As your husband’s helper it may be necessary to point out if there is a danger he does not see, or if he has made a real mistake. If your ideas are different, you can express that, even without directly contradicting him, or refusing his commands to you. Simply offer why you think differently, and how that view might help him. For example, if she thinks a house purchase is a poor idea, she can simply say — I don’t think it’s a good purchase for these reasons. That’s not attitude. It’s offering help. If her husband really were to ever ask her to do something sinful, it’s still possible to do the right thing instead, without telling him “no” directly. A wife who is demanded to do evil can say that she is sorry, but her faith or conscience do not permit her to do that, and she is responsible to obey God. She can help in any other way, but not by committing sin.
Do not be surprised, or become frustrated when it takes time to find what the norm for submission is. If it means you veer a little too far into silence, or passivity, that is very common. A wife needs to find the balance between her meekness and humility and her active participation in the marriage. Her husband needs and is blessed by her help, so submission does not mean complete passivity. She is simply under his authority, should show respect, and seek to help him. Too much passivity would actually be an obstacle to the goals of submission, since as an active helper she has great use of her voice, as well as her ideas. Even as a subordinate she makes decisions, simply not on the level her husband does, or in a way that could go against his wishes. Since a husband does not need to micromanage her every move, quite a number of smaller decisions are made by the wife. They reflect her ideas, goals, and desires.
In a spanking household, it is also possible to slip into the feeling that she needs to watch every word or that she is always risking to step on his toes. While a spanking should certainly give warning about a bad behavior, and cause her to be more careful in the future, it’s not meant to make a woman hesitant about every decision. She needs to know she has a valid place for her communication of self in the home. The spanking is there to point out bad behavior and correct it. It’s for wrongs she should know are wrongs. A spanking should help her learn to stay away from the punished behavior. It should not make her think her thoughts are not valued. A wife should know daily she is a valued and honored wife. Her hard work in the home is of immeasurable worth.
It takes time for a woman to know that gentleness isn’t complete passivity. To learn that silence doesn’t mean you say absolutely nothing. That sharing her thoughts can be done meekly, even in a disagreement. Her ideas and contributions are not misbehavior, or disrespect. Just as the eyes take time to focus when waking up, the spirit can take time to focus when entering new territory. The new territory of submission has its own shapes and forms, which any new learner will need to see, feel, and experience over time. Just as stumbling through returning to bad habits is a part of the walk, so is throwing yourself into an exaggerated softness, which doesn’t capture what submission truly is. Submission is in the heart of a woman, just as it is at the heart of marriage. She will learn in time with her husband’s patience, teaching, and correction.
I’m grateful to see some new countries appearing in the top ten for website visitors. Those include Israel, Tunisia, Saudi Arabia, and Portugal. May they be greatly rewarded with strong marriages, the man’s headship, and discipline.
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