How Silent is a Woman’s Silence

Many wives working on being submissive, and unlearning past bad habits, are venturing into new territory. Being obedient to a man, other than her boss at work, is often something unfamiliar to her, and she’s even learned previously to reject the idea. She has made the courageous decision to head into new land, but isn’t familiar with all the landmarks, geography, and climate of her new home. What does submission feel like? How does it speak? How does it respond to a husband’s words, commands, or his failings? One tendency a woman has in this new territory is to overdo submission. A woman can become too silent, or think her thoughts don’t count to her husband. Although it has righteous ends, and is admirable, a dedication to submission need to take in the full view of marriage and a wife’s role in the home. It is not two dimensional, but is rich and deep, in its gentleness and its strength.

Newly submissive wives who put their mind to being meek, and letting their husband speak, are trying to train themselves out of being the decision maker, or out of being loud or rude. However, at times they stigmatize speaking itself, which of course is an exaggerated form of submission. A meek and humble wife may speak and share her thoughts. She simply does so with respect for her man’s authority, and and with the goal of helping him. She does not try to dominate a conversation. She does so in order, letting him speak at length, and letting him have the final say, but she voices her thoughts nonetheless, be they opinions, feelings, insights, or needs. She can do so in a way that is not demanding, and does not pressure her husband. It can take time to train yourself out of words which make demands or insist he do something, but any wife can learn to do this.

Voicing a disagreement is even possible as a submissive woman. As your husband’s helper it may be necessary to point out if there is a danger he does not see, or if he has made a real mistake. If your ideas are different, you can express that, even without directly contradicting him, or refusing his commands to you. Simply offer why you think differently, and how that view might help him. For example, if she thinks a house purchase is a poor idea, she can simply say — I don’t think it’s a good purchase for these reasons. That’s not attitude. It’s offering help. If her husband really were to ever ask her to do something sinful, it’s still possible to do the right thing instead, without telling him “no” directly. A wife who is demanded to do evil can say that she is sorry, but her faith or conscience do not permit her to do that, and she is responsible to obey God. She can help in any other way, but not by committing sin.

Do not be surprised, or become frustrated when it takes time to find what the norm for submission is. If it means you veer a little too far into silence, or passivity, that is very common. A wife needs to find the balance between her meekness and humility and her active participation in the marriage. Her husband needs and is blessed by her help, so submission does not mean complete passivity. She is simply under his authority, should show respect, and seek to help him. Too much passivity would actually be an obstacle to the goals of submission, since as an active helper she has great use of her voice, as well as her ideas. Even as a subordinate she makes decisions, simply not on the level her husband does, or in a way that could go against his wishes. Since a husband does not need to micromanage her every move, quite a number of smaller decisions are made by the wife. They reflect her ideas, goals, and desires.

In a spanking household, it is also possible to slip into the feeling that she needs to watch every word or that she is always risking to step on his toes. While a spanking should certainly give warning about a bad behavior, and cause her to be more careful in the future, it’s not meant to make a woman hesitant about every decision. She needs to know she has a valid place for her communication of self in the home. The spanking is there to point out bad behavior and correct it. It’s for wrongs she should know are wrongs. A spanking should help her learn to stay away from the punished behavior. It should not make her think her thoughts are not valued. A wife should know daily she is a valued and honored wife. Her hard work in the home is of immeasurable worth.

It takes time for a woman to know that gentleness isn’t complete passivity. To learn that silence doesn’t mean you say absolutely nothing. That sharing her thoughts can be done meekly, even in a disagreement. Her ideas and contributions are not misbehavior, or disrespect. Just as the eyes take time to focus when waking up, the spirit can take time to focus when entering new territory. The new territory of submission has its own shapes and forms, which any new learner will need to see, feel, and experience over time. Just as stumbling through returning to bad habits is a part of the walk, so is throwing yourself into an exaggerated softness, which doesn’t capture what submission truly is. Submission is in the heart of a woman, just as it is at the heart of marriage. She will learn in time with her husband’s patience, teaching, and correction.

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35 responses to “How Silent is a Woman’s Silence”

  1. Better Lady Avatar
    Better Lady

    Thank you for addressing this issue. This is definitely something that I struggled through with my husband as I embraced submission and as he truly learned how to lead me as his wife. I think that it is especially challenging for women who work outside of the home. We have found balance now but it took time and patience and communication. My husband and I have much better communication now and I have eliminated the word “no” when talking to him about decisions that are ultimately his but I definitely have not given up my voice. It’s just much more respectful now. I find comfort in knowing that his decision is final but he finds comfort in having genuine conversations with me as his wife and as Aron puts it, his helper. Great article, Aron.

    1. Thank you, Better Lady. I’m glad you have developed your communication in your marriage, and are both knowing comfort from it.

  2. Wondering Avatar

    Wow! Good article. I feel like I’m the opposite of what so many women seem. They seem quiet and almost afraid to say anything. I feel like I speak up more, and have more opinions, or at least share them more, than most women. But I really try to be respectful and not loud and obnoxious. And I know there are times to be quiet. But if he asks my thoughts or opinions on something, I will always share them. Haha. My husband appreciates my thoughts and if I were too quiet or didn’t offer my opinions, he wouldn’t be happy. Anyways, I just wanted to say I thought this was a good article. They always seem to be. 😁

  3. I think this is very important and I’m glad you pointed it out. Being firm and wise is far more manly than being an iron-fisted tyrant and complements a woman’s efforts to be sweet and obedient far better.

  4. It’s so funny what you put in there about home buying. This just happened last night — we were looking at a house with our realtor. I didn’t like the house very much but it was functional enough, I wasn’t sure if hubs liked it or not. So I said to him, “I don’t really like this house, because of X, Y and Z, but if you want this house I’ll go along with it.”
    Then I realized our realtor heard that. Probably not what he was expecting!

  5. Embarrassed to Ask Avatar
    Embarrassed to Ask

    Hi. I am wondering if your wife ever points out faults or sins of yours and if that can be something a submissive wife does submissively. I also want advice on what to do when husband is not being a leader and seems to lack some sort of inner fortitude. He has temper tantrums constantly when things frustrate him (spilling something in the kitchen, his computer not working right, can’t find where he left his glasses, and of course any time his wife annoys him.). He does discipline me, but often because I tried to speak up to him (as respectfully as I can muster) than something I truly did wrong (unless that counts.)

    1. Hello Embarrassed, Thank you for your questions. Those are very relevant topics that can come up in nearly any marriage. I believe as husband and wife you can both grow in your roles, and find greater peace together if you work on it.

      I cannot recall my wife trying to point out my faults or sins. If it happens it is very rarely. Usually, if she wants things to be better or different in some way, she offers a suggestion, or offers to help. If she didn’t like something I did, she will say gently, I wish you didn’t do that. Very rarely does she ever argue, and she knows if she continues with it, she will get punished.

      If you find your husband does things wrong, I suggest you approach it gently. It’s not your position to tell him what to do. However, you an ask him with kindness to try doing things in a way that works, and explain why it may work better. If he doesn’t listen, you do not argue the point. You can also offer your help if you see something going wrong. If he doesn’t want it, let it be. If you really believe you are sinned against, you can tell him why you think that way, and why it matters. He may accept that or he may not. Just don’t press him on the subject too much.

      Since he loses his temper often, you could find a good time to simply open up that general topic. Why does he get upset? What causes him to feel that bad? An open-ended conversation, if he’s willing to have it, may lead him to learn more about himself, and try better strategies for being in charge. It’s a possibility at least.

      I do not think it is appropriate to give a punishment over a simple disagreement, or because you think he did something wrong. If your behavior was disrespectful toward him, then it is right. If not, then he would be misusing punishment out of anger or pride. Punishment should not be to keep a wife in absolute silence. Communication, of the right kind, is essential in marriage.

      You really can’t change a man. However, you can be his gentle helper, and you can show him goodness through your kind behavior, and your holy character. Be pure and loving and gentle. This will help him in the long run to pursue goodness. He needs to see it. Having a male mentor could help, as it is more appropriate and effective for a man to correct another man. Your husband may not want that though. Either way, in marriage we are united with an imperfect person for life. It is a person who will indeed sin against us. We will need to continue to do our job, as a spouse and a parent, and continue to fulfill our responsibilities to our spouse. In the long term, men and women adapt, become more mature, learn to function more smoothly together. Usually.

      I hope the Lord blesses you with wisdom regarding this subject, and He provides you fruitful communication with your husband. Feel free to write me privately at my e-mail. I’d be willing to speak with your husband as well.

      Blessing to you and your family.

      1. Aron you wrote:
        –Usually, if she wants things to be better or different in some way, she offers a suggestion, or offers to help.
        –If she didn’t like something I did, she will say gently, I wish you didn’t do that.
        — ask him with kindness to try doing things in a way that works, and explain why it may work better.
        –You can also offer your help if you see something going wrong.
        — find a good time to simply open up that general topic. Why does he get upset? What causes him to feel that bad? An open-ended conversation…

        That’s a whole entire skillset right there.

        I understand submission, I can take orders, I can respect a hierarchy. But you are able to describe a whole set of feminine communication skills that are adapted for the environment of submission that like, I just don’t have. My whole life I’ve been given communication skills for dialoguing with peers, equals, even guided towards being “assertive.” There’s a whole other language here. Can you write a manual about that too??? 🙂

        I read this thing you posted last night and talked about it with my husband. I was like, “I want to be like Aron’s wife to you.” Then we chatted about that. And I was like, “But I guess that means you have to be like Aron to me.” He laughed. And then I was like, “Can we just steal their whole marriage?”
        And my husband said, “Sure, do you just want to tie them up and put them in the basement??”
        Which was funny, or at least meant humourously. I was like, “I just want to share that with Aron, not sure he will find it funny though.”

        Well, here’s our humor. Thanks for sharing your lives and wisdom with us.

        1. That’s funny. I’m very honored you would want to learn from me and my wife. There are plenty of women in your situation: they were taught to communicate in an egalitarian environment, or as if they were in charge. They were never taught to communicate from a place of submission. It is whole new territory at first, and can be frustrating to adapt to.

          There’s nothing wrong with needing some lessons, and some practice with it. Those are just a few ideas I had, but surely there are more strategies. Expect communicating meekly to take time to pick up. But the key is the submission in the heart, which will lead your words in giving them the right character. Nurture that soft inner heart, and learn to look at your husband with awe. Speaking more meekly will get easier.

    2. I am coming at this from a women’s perspective. I am very lucky that my husband doesn’t act this way. He never yells or raises his voice, I am the feisty one and get punished for my disrespect harshly. Even during correction he is always in control. My husband truly walks the walk. He is a positive example of how to treat others and how to live righteously to me and our children everyday. He earns my respect because of his example. I don’t know how I would feel if he was whacking the crap out of my butt for behavior that he himself does. I know as his wife I would have to accept it, but it would be hard to swallow. That being said I have dealt with other people in my life like this and try not to take it personally, offer your help nicely to find something for him, etc. and then just leave him alone, walk away and focus on something else, let him get out of his own head. I am learning with my husband you get more with honey than vinegar. As a wife we have to obey our husbands and the last thing men want to hear from a women is that they are wrong or incompetent, it goes straight to their egos. We can still definitely obey them even when they aren’t nice by being sweet, gentle and kind and showing them that you are not responding to their behavior by behaving like them. Women can definitely be a wonderful example to their husbands by how we treat them when they aren’t being very nice. My husband one time punished me harshly for something I didn’t deserve and he realized it after the fact. I didn’t make him feel bad, didn’t throw it up to him, I told him it was a mistake, he is human and that we need to move on and put it in the past. He told me he was so appreciative that I handled it with grace and forgave him. Now as I sit here with a very sore bottom because of my own disrespect I wish I had the same wisdom in controlling my own feistiness and behavior, that would be sweet.

      1. That’s a very good explanation. Thank you. It will be helpful to many wives.

  6. margretmorgan65 Avatar

    I wish I had this problem with my wife. I think it would be easier to solve than her constantly pushing me.

  7. Danielle Avatar

    I just discovered this blog and I found it to be very helpful. One thing I would like to add is that mental or intellectual submission is just as important for women as physical forms of submission like kneeling.

    I used to be very haughty and would always brag about my doctoral degree. I would try to assert dominance over my husband, who is a blue collar worker without any degree higher than an associates, by saying that I was smarter than him and knew more. This also hurt my relationships with many women at my church who decided to marry instead of pursuing higher education. I viewed myself as “better” and “smarter” than them just because I had a college degree.

    Thankfully, my husband is far more mature than I am and put me in my place. I then realized just how silly I was for thinking that a piece of paper made myself better than anybody. My husband was the one who was actually smarter. He made me realize how helpless I am without him. One time he was installing new windows and renovating our house and I tried to help him. I quickly realized that I had no idea what I was doing and didn’t even know how to use many of the tools or what my husband was talking about. He patiently explained basic things to me and I stared at him like a confused child. I also didn’t know anything about cars, setting up appliances, and other general life skills. This moment was the one that made me realize who the actual head of the household is and why he should make the decisions.

    Since then, I’ve completely forgotten about my degree and decided to be a fulltime homemaker after I realized that I was not emotionally cut out for stressful work outside of home. And I’ve never been happier. My relationships with people at church and my husband improved greatly. My real duty now is to take care of my children and raise them to be Christians and to serve my husband.

    1. That is a wonderful testimony, Danielle. Thank you for sharing it. I know you have been greatly rewarded in marriage by giving up that arrogance and learning deeper submission and respect for your husband.

      Intellectual smarts certainly are not the only kind of smarts out there, nor does a college degree make someone especially smart by itself. Men, in mind, body, and spirit, are built by God to lead. Even considering the mind alone, the male mind is one that cares for and seeks out a clear understanding of the truth. Regardless of a man’s IQ, he possesses that mind which is more firmly rooted in objective truth, and which hungers for a firm grasp on it. Women, even when highly intelligent, simply are less rooted in objective truth, and more so in feelings.

      This is one of many ways the man is built to lead. He is also the spiritual leader, both at home and in the Church. He is the priest and the prophet. It was through men that the Word of God come to us, and through men that God’s people was brought to a right relationship with God, whether through the patriarchs, priests, prophets, or apostles. When God took on flesh, He came as a man.

      I appreciate the humility it has taken to learn a different perspective, and admit to truths you previously rejected. That humble attitude will serve you in being a submissive helper to your man. It also brings you more peace and fulfillment in your soul.

      Your work as a homemaker is a great treasure to us all.


      1. Aron,
        You’re still one of my heros even though occassionally you write crazy stuff.


        There’s a certain irony in stating with such certainty that you have an advanced ability to be objective, when you state something so rooted in mere opinion with no objective evidence to prove your point. The Bible does not teach such a thing; sure, it says that Eve was deceived, but all that means is that Adam sinned without being deceived, which in some ways is far worse. Eve’s deception represents a spiritual vulnerability, but not specifically an intellectual one. There are no verses in the Bible that say women are emotional, or that women have weak minds. A female EMT or surgeon may have the cool-minded ability to save your life one day, and perhaps one of them could be your daughter.

        You also said that the man is the prophet of the home, but the Bible does not say this, anywhere. Moreover female prophets are evident in scripture. Philip had three daughters who prophesied, yet nowhere is Philip mentioned to be a prophet. Huldah was a prophet who called Israel to repent. Prophesy does not seem to be a gender-related thing, in fact Joel said, repeated in Acts 2:17, “And it shall come to pass in the last days, saith God, I will pour out of my Spirit upon all flesh: and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy….”

        I will come under my husband as this is what the Lord calls me to do. But please don’t try to tell me that all women are less clear thinkers than all men. You have no real basis for this, as objective as you claim to be. 🙁


        1. Hello Heather, there is nothing wrong with disagreement, and I view it as a chance for learning, if people are willing. I think you are jumping to a defensive position on this topic without giving it much thought. I don’t do long debates here, but I’ll give one reply.

          The difference in the minds of men and women has a basis in the observable data. You act as if it has no basis, but that is clearly wrong. Human observation shows our innate differences. Many women have no problem admitting this.

          Men are more oriented towards clear, objective truth, women more towards intuition and feelings. Their communication of truth similarly is different along the same lines. This is no more speculative than any other difference in the sexes, including that men have more aggression and are more prone to take risks, and that women are more nurturing and desiring of more protection. This goes along with the observable facts that we are different in our brain structure, hormones, and physique. I no more need to back that up with specific descriptions in the Bible than we need to back up Newtonian physics with specific descriptions in the Bible. It is commonly knowable to us.

          Now this difference certainly is connected to the revelation of Scripture. It harmonizes with it. God gave man and woman different roles, and it is absurd to imagine those roles come apart from our physical and spiritual makeup. Rather, God designed us body and soul for those roles, so we ought to EXPECT differences in our minds and our souls, just as we can see them in our bodies.

          Regarding a woman’s softer and gentler hold on truth, Paul even points out that Eve was deceived when he teaches that women may not teach or have authority over men in the Church. That suggests that her submissive role is not merely a judicial punishment for her being deceived once upon a time, but rather an appropriate position for her to have, seeing as she is more easily led astray. She needs man’s firm and clear guidance. This is not mere physical protection man is giving her remember, but rather the teaching of Holy Scripture, and spiritual direction by a superior. If you see something arbitrary in that I’m afraid you are mistaken. It relates to Eve’s nature, both in being secondary in creation, and more easily led from the truth. Men seek after truth with aggression, and desire a strong grasp of it.

          When the apostle similarly teaches a husband to honor his wife as the “weaker vessel,” it is vain to imagine he only speaks of physical weakness. Men are stronger in other areas as well, areas mental and spiritual. If the only differences were physical ones, we ought to expect man was nothing more than a physical protector, yet this is not the case. According to Scripture man is the ethical and spiritual leader. This is because we are different in much more than physique.

          Man is indeed the prophet of the home. The Bible teaches this when it teaches he is the Christ figure of the home. Christ is prophet, priest, and king. To deny a husband is prophet, is to deny he is the other two as well. It is a part of what he does as a husband in Christ.

          However, I do not suggest that means that man gives new revelation from God or that he gives predictions that will always be true. That form of prophecy ended in the 1st century AD. It was a miraculous gifting, and like other miraculous gifts, ended with the foundation of the Church centuries ago. Man is prophet in the home today through the expounding of Scripture, and moral guidance. He does not do what the biblical prophet did in other regards.

          It is true there were female prophets existing in Old Testament and New. This is irrelevant to this point, however. You will notice that despite the existence of female prophets, the books of the Bible are written by men. That public and inerrant source of authority we all have today is a book God used men to write. Women played their role in a secondary way, certainly. Yet revelation came to all of us through men. All the Levites and High Priests of Temple Judaism were men, as were all of the apostles in the New Testament, and any elder throughout the ages is a man.

          Let us not reject those differences as the world does, but embrace them, and know they are good.

      2. Aron —

        Thank you for your response. There are so many various ideas and points of discussion on this thread and you don’t want long debates anyway, so while I’d otherwise be inclined to really go after each thing in detail (aggressively seeking after truth, no less) I’ll respond with some big picture things.

        After re-reading Danielles post, I guess I’m thinking that if wives have degrees their husbands don’t possess they/we still should not be in the least bit arrogant about that. I would think that if anyone, husband or wife, is inclined to be arrogant about their intellect (or arrogant about anything really) it is sin. Even if a woman scores objectively higher on an intelligence test than her husband, there is no reason for haughtiness or refusal to submit to him. And just because I studied something in school and my husband instead does a blue-collar apprenticeship, doesn’t mean anything at all to who gets to rule in our home. (Aside: I always knew that my blue-collar husband was sitting on a braintrust of untapped knowledge, and cheered him on to study for a test I knew he would pass, to get his present job he wanted but which was normally reserved for college grads. People shouldn’t be pigeonholed by their jobs or their degrees, yes?).

        But how can a woman be a Proverbs 31 woman without certain amounts of knowledge and expertise (considering a field and buying it, with her husband’s heart trusting in her?). And even beyond that, is it always “arrogance” or wrong if a woman knows how to do something her husband doesn’t? My older husband sometimes needs my help with his computer; is this wrong? Aren’t I still his helpmeet while showing him how to do something that I happen to know how to do and he doesn’t? Likewise, if my husband knows how to do something I don’t know how to do (such as home improvements) this doesn’t “earn” him the right to be my head — he is my head by Divine fiat, regardless of our particular strengths and weaknesses, and especially regardless of my opinion of his particular aptitudes.

        All this other stuff about whether or not men “in general” have better cognitive abilities than women “in general” may have some merit, you made some great points there, but there are plenty of men and women whose individual circumstance makes it irrelevant. As a fellow-reader but shy friend said in a behind-the-scenes discussion, “Plain common sense would tell us that since there are rabidly atheist, anti-patriarchy men, and solidly orthodox Christian women, that not all men have a stronger ability to grasp truth than all women.”

        As my husband and I avidly embrace the charismatic gifts, we do disagree of course with your cessationism (is that coming from preterism on your end, I am curious?) but of course that would be way off-topic to dig into here, even though in and of itself the ministry of the Holy Spirit is a topic crucial for believers. But keeping things on the topic of headship/submission/discipline, I just hope that other fellow charismatic Christians do not stumble and dismiss your wisdom and words in this blog about traditional marital order and discipline, seeing this as somehow belonging only to a fundamentalist cessationist perspective. We don’t and we appreciate you and your blog hugely.

        Thanks for your wisdom and truth on Jesus as “prophet, priest, and king” manifesting in a husband’s role as “prophet, priest, and king” of his family. When my husband and I started dating/courting, there were times we would get together and he had already eaten but I was catching lunch just for myself. I was shocked to find that while I would offer thanks for my food to God, if my now-husband was present I would literally sense the Lord refusing my prayer, until I was led to ask if my now-husband would pray for the food with me, even though he wasn’t eating. And then I would sense the Lord accepting my now-husband’s prayer for my food with agreement and peace. Thus it was established early on for me that my husband had some priestly role between him and myself. I didn’t really get the rest of it until finding your blog.

        Thanks again for your reply and your hospitality to discussion,

        1. Hello Heather, Sure, we can do just one more response here and let’s leave it as that.

          There is not a hard teaching about a woman never acquiring any knowledge. I’m not trying to imply that. It is a matter of her gaining knowledge that will serve in the home, most of which has little to do with so-called higher education. It is also about keeping her on the right path, rather than letting her get diverted into one of long schooling, career, singlehood, and autonomy. Those are the main points. Since her role is in the home, her learning should be focused on that.

          Some of the knowledge, such as skills you mentioned, can be gained by experience, or simply by home study. One can gain some skills by working for a short time while single, or by taking a course. It doesn’t require higher education, and everything else that surrounds it. You can manage a business, speak three languages, and have some basic computer know-how without following the male path in life. A woman needs to be oriented on her future as a wife and mother, and once that is in her focus, I don’t think it’s too difficult to fit in some useful learning.

          It is not really a controversial statement than men care to grasp truth more clearly than women. I believe nearly all readers of both sexes can recognize those differences both in our mental comprehension and in our form of communication. Men have a drive, I believe related to both their spirit and their aggression, to know the objective truth with clarity. Women may still know it, but they don’t have that same desire to grasp it, and generally don’t care about it as much. Their knowledge is more intuited, and their speech less concerned with practical things, and more with feelings and relationships. I believe that drive which men have towards knowing the truth is one reason why God has made men the leaders. He designed us, and He gave us that role, and both our design and role fit together. We have strong will and strong mind.

          The fact some men are atheists and some women Christian doesn’t relate very much to the question, since faith is a gift of God. It is not related to either male or female understanding of truth. The truth of Christ is neither detected nor intuited by the mind. It is revealed by the Holy Spirit. 

          I WOULD point out that before the major Protestant denominations, and other large independent churches went liberal, so liberal they deny all gender roles and deny the moral law, ALMOST ALL of them had allowed women as preachers or pastors. That is the trend, and very experienced pastors will be able to tell you that is what they saw before their own eyes. You soften the teachers and pastors to include women, and you end up with softened doctrine.

          Sure, I wouldn’t want to get off for long on the topic of the sign gifts. I do not believe that my cessationism is related to being preterist, as I was cessationist long before I became preterist, which I did after some study and for apparently unrelated reasons (though in some sense all doctrine is connected). I would hope that a continuationist reader is not closed minded about learning from me, and that they also don’t stereotype my view as believing God doesn’t do anything anymore. God acts. God does miracles. God rules over all that occurs. It is simply that the gifts by which believers in every church did regular miracles, have ended.

          I think that addresses most of what you’ve brought up. I appreciate your thoughtful comments, and your respectful ability to disagree. I hope that offers you some answers. Thank you.


    2. Caroline Avatar

      Hello Danielle,
      that’s so beautiful, submission is an intellectual process – your mind that is probably well learned in individualism and egalitarianism has to accept your position under the authority of your husband. Your own will and wishes only come third. First god, then the husband, then the wife. This was a hard process for me as well.
      My husband and I are very keen hikers – when we are at home, we go on small to medium hikes (1-5 hours) in our area every day. We already were doing this before we started CDD.
      I didn’t even notice at the time, but I was completely submissive even then (though I probably wouldn’t have called it that way), when we were on a hike:
      My husband selected the trail (he knows them all and knows about it’s state and our abilities and time)
      My husband checked the weather report and more or less told me what to wear
      My husband told me what to pack
      My husband told me when to have a break and what to eat
      This was completely natural then, he was responsible, I simply followed his lead. I certainly could make suggestions on all of these points, but the final decisions was always his: Can we stay a little longer at this scenic lookout? Yes, another 5 minutes. Can we take the trail we hiked last month? No, it’s a big puddle of mud now.
      One day he told me to remove my outer jacket, because we were on the beginning of a steep rise. I was feeling a bit cold, so I didn’t do it. 5 minutes later we were steadily walking up the rise, I felt hot and I was starting to sweat. I felt a bit stupid for not having taken off my jacket before and when we reached the ridge, I was drenched in sweat and feeling cold because of it. I had disobeyed my husbands command and I had been punished for it, not by my husband’s hand, but simply by reality.
      Now I try to recreate the state of mind during our hikes also in other situations. Submission to my husband means, being under his authority and accepting his decisions and commands. It’s not that he is always right or I am always wrong, but he has the duty to decide, and I have the duty to obey.

    3. That felt like a CDD parody.

      1. Hello SpankCo, It is the internet, so you never know with a certainty. However, the basic description closely matches other descriptions I have heard, which come from people I strongly believe to be sincere, and with whom I have interacted over much time.

        It is not uncommon to find women who left behind superior attitudes, learned to obey their husbands, or even left the career world to be homemakers. I know a few of those women myself in my personal life. There are women who really are feminists one week, and getting spanked by their husbands the next.

        We had an earlier comment describing a spanking that a reader suggested was fiction. The lady who wrote it soon contacted me, and provided photo evidence for her story, which in a trial, would be called corroborating. She is also one whom I’d interacted with before, and whom I have no reason to believe is writing fiction.

        I wouldn’t jump too quickly to conclusions, although you never really know.

  8. Good article. Note that less talking is not always the result of submission. A wife who is well loved by the leadership of her husband doesn’t need to be afraid that her tongue is the untamed fire of James 3. She can confidently use speech to serve, love and inform those around her. She can even say lively and challenging things to her husband while adorned with a quiet and submissive spirit. As long as he spanks with love for her, and with a desire to better understand her and better lead her, she won’t be crushed by the times she feels she was punished for speaking up.

    1. obeysubmit Avatar

      Dear aronhusband,
      Do you think a Submissive wife should be spanked severely because of her complete silence.?

      1. Hello Obeysubmit, I would have to know something more about the silence to make a judgment on that. If a wife is intentionally not responding, and doing so in a continual manner, then it is seriously disrespectful. The same would be true of using the silent treatment, especially if she has already been told she needs to respond. Refusing to answer is simply disobedience, which is also serious. If something of that manner is occurring, I can see giving a spanking for it. Yes. How severe would be up to the situation, and the judgment of the husband.

  9. I’m having such a hard time submitting to him. He’s moody, unfair, lashes out, acts childish. I try to talk with him about important things and he avoids difficult topics or gets angry at me for bringing them up. I want to be a woman who rests in submission to my man but it’s really, really hard. I think he would be very happy if I was utterly silent. I’m broken inside, losing hope, and our marriage is a crumbling mess.

    1. Hello Reba, That’s not an easy situation to be in. Yet even if your husband is poor in how he leads, you can still make it your goal to be submissive to him, and to help him. If he doesn’t want you to speak enough, that’s not something you can change by yourself, although it may get better with time. Just show him love, and be a good wife to him. Many men learn to lead better through the counsel of other men, so if he’s willing to have a male mentor, that could add some wisdom to how he manages you. Feel free to put him in contact with me.


      1. Thank you for your words and blessing. I felt very frustrated and hopeless but I prayed a bunch about the situation and I also decided to redouble my attention to being submissive and gentle to him even if he is moody and unkind. He immediately stopped being moody and unkind, at least over the past few days. I don’t feel hopeless any more, I feel a lot better about him and our marriage, we are feeling close again. I do still think you are right that he needs a male mentor, I hope he will write you soon. But thank you, things are so much better.

        1. That’s great news. The goodness and beauty of a godly wife transform the soul. I hope he writes as well.

  10. Hello Aron,
    My apologies for the late reply ,
    My younger sister worked as a part time art teacher i can’t tell you how much she liked her job , recently her husband ordered her to quit her job she said no i can’t, he gave her a good hard spankings so eventually she quitted her job but from that time when her husband ask her something or talk to her or whatever she remains silent he said that he immediately gave her a good solid slappings on her face , her only answer was please sir please I couldn’t quit my job ,
    This is the first time ever we have such kind of problems with my sister she used to be very submissive
    Now her husband is asking for my family help ad interfere
    How should we deal with this , how should as submissive women react
    How can I help my sister to obey
    Thank you

    1. Hello Thanks for your question. Naturally, your sister is under her husband’s authority, and needs to respect his decision. If she does not, it is fair that he punish her. You should give your sister the encouragement she needs to obey her husband, and also warn her of the destructive effects of rebellion in a household.

      There are times when a part-time job can fit in with the role of wife and mother, if it does not take too much time, but there is still a good chance it will interfere. I allowed my wife to work part time until our first child came along. Since then, it’s impossible to imagine her doing her job without her full time presence in the home, and taking care of household duties. My wife understands I make those decision, understands the wisdom behind them, and would never consider disobeying me.

      I hope the matter with your family is solved soon. Feel free to write me personally if you’d like to discuss in further detail.

      1. Hypothetical Avatar

        I’m curious what thoughts you might have about the converse situation? What if a man told his wife he wants her to have a full-time job, and work, and she wants to stay home and homeschool their kids?

        1. Hello Hypothetical, That’s a very good question. It comes up from time to time. Considering that the wife’s role in the home is plainly taught in Scripture, and is also clearly known to be the good through nature, I believe a wife can respectfully refuse to comply with such a request, in order to honor God.

          If there really is a dire situation, like a need to work to avoid being homeless or starving, such a situation could allow her to do it, but otherwise it would simply be wrong. A husband cannot demand his wife to do wrong. That goes beyond his authority.


          1. Wow, I have to say you surprised me. That is not the reply I would have guessed you would have given. But I guess combined with your newest post on rights it starts to make more sense where you are coming from.

      2. Aron,
        Can I ask what Bible texts this teaching about a woman’s role being to be entirely focused on the home and not have an outside job is coming from?
        I’m familiar with Paul saying in Titus 2:5 in a list of feminine attributes that women should be “keepers at home” or in the Greek more directly home-laborers/home-workers (something like that.). But I don’t like to build huge teachings on one phrase, do you have any others?
        BTW, I read my husband some of your stuff on this topic and we didn’t get to finish but at one point he said something to the effect, “Boy this guy is good. He almost has me convinced.”
        So yeah, there’s that. 🙂

        1. I know I have briefly covered this elsewhere in the comments, and certainly in other discussions. The Bible specifically deals with the role of the married woman two times. Both of those two times are in the New Testament. Each time the Bible instructs on this subject, it teaches the woman to be a keeper of the home. These are in Titus 2:3-5, and 1 Timothy 5:14. Those are the plain instructions of Scripture, and they are in easy language to understand.

          Being a wife, mother and homemaker is by definition a full time job. It is in fact busier than most full time jobs out there. That means you cannot do it, while also working full time outside the home. You either do one, or you do the other. That full-time work in the home is a treasure, and cannot be replaced with a salary, no matter how high.

          We can also see the good of the woman’s role in the home as it appears in numerous examples in Scripture, from the matriarchs, to Proverbs 31, to the virgin Mary, which show homemaking and childbearing both to be the norm and the good. The wicked woman is presented as a woman whose feet go far from the home. Women throughout Scripture are honored for being wives of men, and mothers of children, while the men are leaders of society, of households, and fill up the priesthood.

          We further do not need a Bible to know that a woman’s role is in the home. Nature shows her to be designed by God for childbearing, and nurturing, and much better built for the home life. This is in contrast to the man, who is better designed for danger, aggression, strength, and being provider of the home. That is why woman is recognized as homemaker in many other cultures across the globe, and has been for thousands of years. We can witness the good produced through the wife’s work at home, and can measure the damage that has done since taking her out of the home has been done epidemically. It has been demonstrably harmful, and wicked for our children and future generations. I always appreciate how God’s word and God’s creation in nature agree.

          If we take the Bible at it’s word, the woman should get married, bear children, and keep the home. That’s what we will train our daughters to do if we are obedient. The possibility that there may be rare exception to this, or situations when it becomes impossible changes nothing, as her role in the home remains the norm and the good.

          The Church must repent in its gender bending, and respect man and woman’s role. It is disobedient and an assault on God’s creation.

          Thanks for your question.

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