One of the first challenges to the wife learning to be submissive towards her husband is learning respectful speech. Her respect for her husband needs to be clear in her words, as well as the loving and gentle tone in which she communicates. Overcome stumbling with the tongue, and you will likely overcome stumbling in much of your behavior as well. Taming the tongue will help remind you of the right heart’s attitude, and while the words we use are not as central as our heart, they are a useful tool in teaching us how to feel in our heart. Words guide not only the hearer, but the one speaking them. I’ve spoken a bit about a wife’s use of words in my article on practical submission, but I’d like to focus more greatly on it here. You cannot underestimate the power of words used for good, or for evil.
The Bible contains a multitude of teachings regarding the tongue. Most do not specifically relate to the woman, but it’s important to review them to understand the power of words. Scripture teaches that our speech should be gentle, and kind. It says to temper all of our words with grace. It teaches that some matters are so filthy we should not even speak about them. It prohibits or warns against lying, slander, cursing, impulsive speech, and gossip. In the New Testament, the apostle James gives a very detailed moral teaching, which includes these verses:
For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.
Indeed, we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body.
Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires.
Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles!
And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.
James 3:2-6
This passage reminds us not only to tame our tongue, but that the tongue through its use has much power over the entire body. It warns in the strongest language against the misuse of words, comparing its destructive power to the fires of hell. If such a general warning is important for everyone, it is important as well between man and wife, and in the home. The tongue can bring impurity and destruction to a marriage, just as it brings love and harmony.
One of the most important principles a wife can follow in using words is to remember the purpose of them: it is to honor her husband, and to help him. Words are merely a tool to help her fulfill that role that she has. She is a helper. Her words should clearly show the respect she has for her man as her authority, and should make her useful to him, through serving him. Her mouth, a small organ of her body, is given to her to honor her husband with. She should let this idea sink into her heart, and be reminded always of its purpose.
Using the mouth to disrespect a husband is among the greatest obstacles for wives. Either because of their personality, or their ideology, women often lash out with their words, using them to openly bring their man down. Even women who desire to change this, find out they have an ongoing problem with it, and adapting to loving and submissive language will be a battle. Like other matters in learning to submit, it takes perseverance to win. If you have learned bad habits with your mouth, profanity, disrespect, or rebellion with words, this all can be undone over time. Regular discipline will help, but you have to make a point to learn the right way to speak, and commit yourself to this over and over. Know in your heart how ugly, and how satanic it is to speak badly to your husband. It is the opposite of whom you are meant to be.
One helpful method you can use every day is to make sure you say “Yes” to your husband, and never “No.” Get the latter word out of your vocabulary completely. Even if a “no” seems necessary to use, and inoffensive in context, it’s still a good practice to avoid it. Your goal is always to do your husband’s will, and never to go against it. A “no” sounds like a immediate opposition. If you avoid this word, you will often avoid the tendency to rebel, or to argue with your husband. An expression of support and help is not argumentative. A “no” frequently is. It sets the table for combat. Beyond avoiding this word, is avoiding argumentation in general. Don’t argue with other words either. Find a way NOT to be in opposition, even if you find you disagree. One can offer differing ideas gently, and respectfully, so it’s not necessary to argue in order to express ideas during a discussion. Avoiding ever saying “no” is simply a signal to help you, and move your communication along.
You can learn other ways of using your voice to express helpful ideas, rather than opposing ones. One way is to express your ideas in the form of question. You could ask his thoughts about a certain idea you have, or ask his permission for something. Both of these generally avoid being disrespectful, or openly opposing your husband. “What do you think about this?” “Would it be alright if . . .?” Methods like these are very useful, as long as you are not being overly persistent with them, in which case they can drift into being politely combative. The key in avoiding that is to make sure you respect your husband’s decision, and you respect when the conversation is over. If you don’t cease the discussion when the discussion is over, it becomes disrespectful.
Asking questions and asking permission are themselves cues that remind you that you are under his headship. They are cues that remind your husband that he’s the one in charge, and is the one to make the decision. You function more in sync this way. Husbands who have a weak understanding of their own leadership can be reminded of it when you speak so respectfully to them, openly respecting their authority, and presuming in your words that they are in charge. Get used to saying, “May I.” Ask your husband permission regularly for things you wish to do. If there’s something you desire for the home, saying “Can we” is an equally helpful phrase.
Using honorific language also helps train you to show respect, and avoids conflict. Calling your husband “Sir,” which functions both as an indicator of respect, and even an indicator that he has a higher position, keeps the communication on the right level; one of a subordinate speaking to their leader. All it takes is one word, and it can shape the conversation for the better. In much of western culture today it sound strange hearing “sir” used in a marriage. For this reason, many traditional couples don’t use it publicly. However, many still use it privately, and most use it during discipline sessions. My wife knows to address me as “sir” during either a verbal correction or a spanking. Similarly, a phrase like “you’re the boss” or “you make the decisions” is a good one to have on your lips for matters that are not open to debate. They are a verbal declaration you fully understand and respect your man’s headship, and will respect his decision. Respectful language will help remind you, as should other elements of your marriage, that the man is the head. You address him that way over and over.
Use your words to express remorse when you have done wrong. That does not just include serious wrongs that may lead a wife to being spanked, but other smaller ones. This shows you have an awareness that you are answerable to him, and that you are sorry for doing anything that harms him. Apologize sincerely if you do wrong, and explain that you want to do better. This act of humility will help you to continue in humility, and it will remind your husband that you are easy to manage, and willing to take his instructions. Even if your wrong is not a serious one, he can still give you some words of instruction or encouragement. That will help keep you in harmony following him, and cleanse any guilt of wrongdoing. It is also stimulates the soul, enhancing that deep desire to please him.
Use your words to offer help. This can be done in many way, and it can also be done plainly and directly. Just as an assistant at the office might ask, “is there anything I can do to help you,” or, “is there anything you need,” a wife should find it normal to ask these questions as well. At times you may know exactly what he needs and can just bring it to him. Offer your assistance to your husband frequently. Suggest helpful ideas that you think may serve him. If he doesn’t need your help though, that’s fine. Offering to help keeps you on a harmonious form of communication, and is also a reminder of your position, which is a helper and submissive. Keep those words on your lips daily.
Silence is a perfectly valuable use of the tongue as well. The tongue need not always be moving. Keeping yourself silent to allow your husband to speak, and to lead the conversation, is about as important as any language tool you learn. Silence in submission is even taught by the apostles regarding women in marriage, and in the Church. Your silence is an active silence, which allows your husband to take the lead, something some men don’t do so easily. It also shows you are not trying to butt in, or tell him what to do. He speaks, and makes the decision. If you’re unsure if it’s a good time to voice your own thoughts, just ask him. Never butt in yourself.
True silence is accompanied by peacefulness of heart. It is accompanied by a quietness of the soul, which ought to characterize a godly woman. This itself will also aid you in speaking to your husband submissively. It is a gentleness and peacefulness which infuses all of your words. Even words of disagreement can be characterized by its softer, and feminine qualities. Let your voice be gentle. Express love in your tone of voice. The peace which is on your heart, when expressed through your mouth, will never try to shut your man down with words, or put him down. They are jewels which express your innermost being, which should be a beautiful one at peace with the Lord.
The goodness of silence, however, is not an endorsement of the silent treatment. A wife who refuses to speak to her husband because she is angry, is simply using silence as a way to lash out at him. It reflects her anger and rebellion, rather than a loving, submissive heart. Since your mouth is a tool you use to serve your husband, you cannot refuse to use it when it may be helpful to him. You cannot keep silent when you know very well he wishes to hear you speak. Silence in that form is just as much as misuse of the tongue as open, bold disrespect. When your husband can benefit from your speech, or when he desires to hear it, you share it with him.
Being pure with your words, while not necessarily a matter of respect, will teach you the same godly qualities, and the same feminine qualities, which help you honor your husband overall. Speak of virtuous and holy matters. Speak of the practical necessities of the home, and use words to communicate wisdom. Teach your children. In all these things avoid any profanity, vulgarity, or blasphemy. Over time in practicing pure speech, it will make you more sensitive to that line between what is holy and unholy. You’ll see more clearly the darkness of impure words. You’ll feel more deeply the goodness of speech which is used for God’s purposes. With better vision, you will stay more easily on the right side of the line. Filthy talk is more unbecoming of a woman, than a man. It is unbecoming of anyone who works so closely with children as well. Let it never pass through your lips.
A word to the men is this: be aware of your wife’s speech, and correct her if she starts to slide into disrespect or other bad language. Often those small corrections you give her avoid the need for more and larger corrections in the future. A woman who feels free to misuse her tongue will worsen over time. Don’t let it get bad. You can deal with small matters with simple instruction, verbal correction, and warnings. However, I would give a wife a serious punishment for open disrespect, vulgarity, or other bad mouthing. A hard spanking is appropriate for correcting her mouth, and many husbands would also soap her mouth for vulgarities. She needs to know how much her speech matters, and how wrong it is if her mouth becomes an instrument of rebellion. She needs to know argument and insult are completely out of the question. Put an immediate stop to severe misuses of the tongue.
A woman’s speech is a great gift like many others in your body. You are brilliantly designed for it, with lungs, lips, tongue, voice box. Just as an instrument is designed to make beautiful music, your tongue is designed to honor God, and in marriage is used to honor your husband. It is to help and to heal, and not to hurt. It is greatly rewarding when a wife learns to commit her tongue to serving her husband, and learns she can do it, without serious failure. Misuse of the tongue, like other sins of the past, can be cleansed from you, are very rarely ever be seen again. Your husband will see the difference in your gentleness, your humility, and the help that you offer him. It is his organ there as his helper, like your whole body is. He will come to love and treasure hearing your voice.
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