Being submissive to anyone presents unique challenges. It requires humility, great trust, and a unique way of doing things, since you won’t be in the driver’s seat, or making the decisions. One common fear, and a problem every wife will face, is when a husband makes a mistake, or does something wrong. He is the one who is setting the standards and making the rules, but what if doesn’t do a good job of following rules himself? What are the options for a wife when her leader gets it wrong? There are actually some clear answers to those questions.
The first and most obvious one, is that a wife will have to accept decisions she doesn’t agree with. She will have to learn trust and acceptance in her husband, since he is the one in authority. Trust and acceptance are very good for the soul in learning submission. They train the soul. From her role she can offer up advice that may be useful to solving a problem, and a good husband would listen and consider, but she doesn’t get to make the decision. She is a counselor. She lives with her man’s faults and his mistakes, and it does not prevent her from fully doing her job as a godly wife. Despite any poor decisions he may make, she is still able to help him, do the work of the home, and obey him. She should focus on her work, to the service of her husband, and not make a point to correct him when she thinks he is wrong.
My wife is a very good example at this. She does not argue, or become hostile with what I do. If she desires to offer up a helpful idea, she does so as a suggestion, from the position of a subordinate. If she wishes to advise a certain course of action, she can say what she thinks will work, or not work, and can ask if I’d like to try a different idea. She may offer information I did not even know about. The key to being able to make this work, and still be submissive, is in the fact you don’t tell your man what to do, and you stop when it’s time to stop. Just follow those rules. When you’ve played your role in sharing suggestions, you prepare yourself to accept his decision. The conversation is over when he says it is.
One way that a wife helps a man with his faults is simply by providing him a godly example to see every day. Her speech and behavior should be holy. Her husband should be able to know that in speaking with his wife, and approaching her, he receives peace and help, and not resistance. She shows her man love and kindness, and always offers to be of service. The home is a place he knows he will be honored, and enjoy returning to each day. That feminine image of goodness in the home will help a husband to see what is good and want what is good. He is saturated in it through her presence. As the apostle teaches, “if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” (1 Peter 3:1-2) An angry woman who tries to tell him what to do simply doesn’t accomplish that. Nor does a complaining woman. A wife need do little more than her job, and do it in joy and holiness, to help her man become more godly.
Obviously, we cannot leave out prayer. A wife’s prayers for her husband are always for his good, and she can pray for his weaknesses as well. Prayer is much better than complaining about your husband. The Bible teaches, “the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” (James 5:16) The Lord will hear them. He will bless others through them. Prayer also helps a wife to place herself in a position of trust in God, rather than of self-reliance. This assists in trust of her husband, and giving up her self-reliance in married life. God himself will work on her husband’s soul, even though it may require years of growth and refinement. It’s not our job to fix everything.
If a husband’s behavior is truly dangerous and ongoing, then having another man speak to him is a good idea. A respected friend, or a church elder could help him overcome problems in his life, or sins he keeps falling into. In fact, in the case of serious ongoing sin, it is the responsibilities of the elders to warn him, and even discipline him for his actions. Guidance, or discipline, is appropriately done by other men, and there is a much greater chance a man will respect it from them. It should be recognized that if he has a problem in the area of discipline itself, there are fewer men to speak with about it, as most people keep discipline in their marriages private. However, even in this subset of private problems, there are usually a few trusted male friends, and there is always the online community which uses discipline. I have had the opportunity to offer guidance to a number of husbands regarding discipline, and some of them listened to my advice, and made the necessary changes.
An important point to remember is that a husband will not always need to follow the same rules as his wife. That should be obvious, but a wife who sees her husband behaving differently than her can be tempted to feel resentful, as if he has no standards, while the heavy burden is placed on her. However, there are legitimate times in which different rules and standards apply. His role and responsibilities are not his wife’s. He has his own responsibilities, and he needs to fulfill those. Thinking that a husband is irresponsible because he does not have to do things just as his wife does them doesn’t make sense, unless it truly applies in the specific instance. A wife who is looking to judge her husband because his standards are not the same, is often being foolish and rebellious at once. If he truly has very low standards for himself, that is regrettable, but is something he can improve over time. A wife cannot make him raise those standards, but I have seen men raise them on their own, and often taking their leadership role seriously is a motivation for them. Being the head of the home demands responsibility, and this is often a wake up call to men.
In the long run, you will find in every marriage, one has to live with the faults, and at times the sins, of a spouse. You embrace that when you get married. The submissive wife, who does not have the authority to correct her husband, is especially in a position to accept the faults of her spouse. There are no guarantees that a man will grow out of every fault, or that he will always be easy to live with. That means accepting things she does not like is an unavoidable fact of marriage. To a degree it will always occur. In fact it develops and enhances her submission, as she finds she must take the soft approach, and at times simply cannot change a thing. Take it as the chisel of God on the soul, teaching you perseverance, love, and sacrifice. Our challenges are a blessing. We learn by blessing those who curse us, and loving those who hate us. Learn that you are not perfect either, and your husband is still responsible to lead, love, provide, and protect you. These he does despite your own sins. His faults will not prevent you from doing your job as a loving submissive wife.
NOTES: A big Thank You to whomever posted my link on Facebook recently. I’ve been getting a lot of viewers from there.
I also am happy to see many visitors from Iceland recently, which I don’t usually see frequently. I hope this website blesses marriages on their beautiful island.
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