When the Man Gets it Wrong

Being submissive to anyone presents unique challenges. It requires humility, great trust, and a unique way of doing things, since you won’t be in the driver’s seat, or making the decisions. One common fear, and a problem every wife will face, is when a husband makes a mistake, or does something wrong. He is the one who is setting the standards and making the rules, but what if doesn’t do a good job of following rules himself? What are the options for a wife when her leader gets it wrong? There are actually some clear answers to those questions.

The first and most obvious one, is that a wife will have to accept decisions she doesn’t agree with. She will have to learn trust and acceptance in her husband, since he is the one in authority. Trust and acceptance are very good for the soul in learning submission. They train the soul. From her role she can offer up advice that may be useful to solving a problem, and a good husband would listen and consider, but she doesn’t get to make the decision. She is a counselor. She lives with her man’s faults and his mistakes, and it does not prevent her from fully doing her job as a godly wife. Despite any poor decisions he may make, she is still able to help him, do the work of the home, and obey him. She should focus on her work, to the service of her husband, and not make a point to correct him when she thinks he is wrong.

My wife is a very good example at this. She does not argue, or become hostile with what I do. If she desires to offer up a helpful idea, she does so as a suggestion, from the position of a subordinate. If she wishes to advise a certain course of action, she can say what she thinks will work, or not work, and can ask if I’d like to try a different idea. She may offer information I did not even know about. The key to being able to make this work, and still be submissive, is in the fact you don’t tell your man what to do, and you stop when it’s time to stop. Just follow those rules. When you’ve played your role in sharing suggestions, you prepare yourself to accept his decision. The conversation is over when he says it is.

One way that a wife helps a man with his faults is simply by providing him a godly example to see every day. Her speech and behavior should be holy. Her husband should be able to know that in speaking with his wife, and approaching her, he receives peace and help, and not resistance. She shows her man love and kindness, and always offers to be of service. The home is a place he knows he will be honored, and enjoy returning to each day. That feminine image of goodness in the home will help a husband to see what is good and want what is good. He is saturated in it through her presence. As the apostle teaches, “if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” (1 Peter 3:1-2) An angry woman who tries to tell him what to do simply doesn’t accomplish that. Nor does a complaining woman. A wife need do little more than her job, and do it in joy and holiness, to help her man become more godly.

Obviously, we cannot leave out prayer. A wife’s prayers for her husband are always for his good, and she can pray for his weaknesses as well. Prayer is much better than complaining about your husband. The Bible teaches, “the effective, fervent prayer of a righteous man avails much.” (James 5:16) The Lord will hear them. He will bless others through them. Prayer also helps a wife to place herself in a position of trust in God, rather than of self-reliance. This assists in trust of her husband, and giving up her self-reliance in married life. God himself will work on her husband’s soul, even though it may require years of growth and refinement. It’s not our job to fix everything.

If a husband’s behavior is truly dangerous and ongoing, then having another man speak to him is a good idea. A respected friend, or a church elder could help him overcome problems in his life, or sins he keeps falling into. In fact, in the case of serious ongoing sin, it is the responsibilities of the elders to warn him, and even discipline him for his actions. Guidance, or discipline, is appropriately done by other men, and there is a much greater chance a man will respect it from them. It should be recognized that if he has a problem in the area of discipline itself, there are fewer men to speak with about it, as most people keep discipline in their marriages private. However, even in this subset of private problems, there are usually a few trusted male friends, and there is always the online community which uses discipline. I have had the opportunity to offer guidance to a number of husbands regarding discipline, and some of them listened to my advice, and made the necessary changes.

An important point to remember is that a husband will not always need to follow the same rules as his wife. That should be obvious, but a wife who sees her husband behaving differently than her can be tempted to feel resentful, as if he has no standards, while the heavy burden is placed on her. However, there are legitimate times in which different rules and standards apply. His role and responsibilities are not his wife’s. He has his own responsibilities, and he needs to fulfill those. Thinking that a husband is irresponsible because he does not have to do things just as his wife does them doesn’t make sense, unless it truly applies in the specific instance. A wife who is looking to judge her husband because his standards are not the same, is often being foolish and rebellious at once. If he truly has very low standards for himself, that is regrettable, but is something he can improve over time. A wife cannot make him raise those standards, but I have seen men raise them on their own, and often taking their leadership role seriously is a motivation for them. Being the head of the home demands responsibility, and this is often a wake up call to men.

In the long run, you will find in every marriage, one has to live with the faults, and at times the sins, of a spouse. You embrace that when you get married. The submissive wife, who does not have the authority to correct her husband, is especially in a position to accept the faults of her spouse. There are no guarantees that a man will grow out of every fault, or that he will always be easy to live with. That means accepting things she does not like is an unavoidable fact of marriage. To a degree it will always occur. In fact it develops and enhances her submission, as she finds she must take the soft approach, and at times simply cannot change a thing. Take it as the chisel of God on the soul, teaching you perseverance, love, and sacrifice. Our challenges are a blessing. We learn by blessing those who curse us, and loving those who hate us. Learn that you are not perfect either, and your husband is still responsible to lead, love, provide, and protect you. These he does despite your own sins. His faults will not prevent you from doing your job as a loving submissive wife.

NOTES: A big Thank You to whomever posted my link on Facebook recently. I’ve been getting a lot of viewers from there.

I also am happy to see many visitors from Iceland recently, which I don’t usually see frequently. I hope this website blesses marriages on their beautiful island.


38 responses to “When the Man Gets it Wrong”

  1. Ouch, Aron.
    Remind me never to let you talk to my husband.
    I’m just joking. Honestly, I will have to read this one to him with fear and trembling. I’m literally on the verge of tears just thinking about that because reading this to him will strip me bare.
    This post reminds me of how your blog is terrifying in it’s ability to convict. And how you were used to convict me to repent to my husband last August.
    This is your best post ever.

    1. I am very honored to have touched you. I consider this an important topic. I hope the material blesses you and your husband in your relationship. Thank you for sharing it with him. Blessings.

  2. Thank you, Aron, for another insightful post.

    I am yet to meet a person who is above erring; I did meet several that believe themselves to be so, and I could never respect such a person. I see greatness in my Husband not because He makes no mistakes, but because those mistakes weight heavily on Him and He does everything within His power to correct them – with me helping in any way I can.

    We do not follow the same rules, and I don’t see how it can be any different – we do not have the same responsibilities and the same burdens. He has higher standards for himself than he has for me. How can I be resentful over having different rules? I would not have it any other way.


    1. Thank you for your comment. That is a good attitude to have, Jenny. You rightfully honor your husband despite his mistakes.

  3. Another Heather Avatar
    Another Heather

    So if a man’s behavior is “truly dangerous and ongoing” the wife just…..hands him off to the church? The church has pushed so many abused women back to their husbands, encouraging them to work things out privately and be better wives when they should really be calling the police.

    Women, if your husband is dangerous, he might need more than a stern talking to from the pastor.

    Big miss on this point.

    1. This is not a miss. A woman is not going to die because her husband’s wrongs are serious and continual. Nearly everything gets painted under the banner of “abuse” these days by the secular world, so it is impossible to tell what that really means. Moreover, allegations of abuse are used regularly to destroy families, and to produce all the harm that comes with destroyed families. A husband whose wrongs are significant can be corrected, but that correction comes from other men, and the local pastor. It does not come from his wife, although she may advise him, and communicate her needs. Countless men respond to such guidance.

      Dangerous in this context does not mean he is a murderous psychopath, but includes such behavior as ongoing adultery, drunkenness, bankrupting financial decisions, and misuse of discipline. None of these prevent a wife from fulfilling her role, or doing a good job at it. It makes life more difficult, and requires more sacrifice and struggle, but is within the range of wrongs that occur, and can be righted in the long run. Many men move past these behavior and repent. It is not her role to correct him.

    2. Original Heather Avatar
      Original Heather

      I’m right in the middle between Another Heather and Aron on this one.

      You’re right, Heather, most pastors completely turn to jelly when a man is mistreating his wife, and do nothing. Or, they go to the other extreme, and encourage women to be rebellious and disobedient and even divorce husbands who may not be “husband of the year” but certainly aren’t destructive.

      But for those that are: there are definitely times to call the police. (Just realize that police randomly kill people these days, and you are running the risk of having your husband shot and killed trying to get help from them.) It’s better to get help from ANYONE else, other than the police, unless your husband is threatening to kill or seriously harm someone. Then…that’s indeed what police are for.

      I agree with Aron that people scream “abuse” at any sort of relationship dysfunction these days. I know people who are divorced because their husband “verbally abused” them. Cutting someone down with angry words is sinful and an abuse of power, this is true. But that’s the kind of thing to involve a pastor, or a father or brother or even do a Matthew 18 style intervention with a few sisters and brothers. But divorce? Police?

      On the other hand, “misuse of discipline” is a big category with a giant range of meanings, some of which would merit separation to protect a wife or children. And I do feel Aron’s writing generally shows a lack of appreciation of the intense sin to a marriage and spouse that adultery would be, and I disagree with him on some of that.

      But when I applaud Aron for this article, it is not the section on dangerous and ungodly husbands that pertains to me and not what I am focused on. I grew up in a “truly abusive” parental situation and know first hand how horrible that is and how no one should stay in that. But the fact is, anytime anyone writes about marriage and submission one must constantly give disclaimers about truly abusive relationships which gets in the way of being able to talk about typical, normal difficulties in marriage, and shows that in most peoples’ minds anytime a husband messes up in any way, they are on the verge of being labeled abusive in this culture.

      When did abuse become the normal label for problem marriages rather than the extreme exception? But one must always give a nod to the extreme situations of abuse because to not mention them one instantly gets accused of sanctioning abuse, so much so that it is hard to talk about submission and faithfulness in garden-variety dysfunction because of how much it is required to virtue signal against abuse.

      If you took a snapshot of any one of various arguments my husband and I have had over the years, either one of us might easily be labeled emotionally or verbally abusive if you caught the right moment. And the abuse crusaders easily would have tried to convince us the healthy, even necessary thing, would be to leave. I’m not proud of our bad moments because sin and dysfunction aren’t pretty, but I’m so glad that neither of us were into that script of labeling each other as “abusers” and were able to happily suffer through living with one another, and work through our things over time together and not feel compelled that we had to run or separate. But these days you have to hide your bad moments from others, because the moment someone sees someone behaving ugly, they will pressure people you dissolve your relationship, making a woman feel she is doing something WRONG to stay with a man who is not at all “abusive” but whom she is just in messy conflict with. In fact, one must hide one’s good moments too — the goodness of a husband adequately and lovingly chastising his wife is also called abuse. There is no distinguishing in this culture between truly destructive dynamics and other things, and thus calling attention to the fact that there is indeed a difference one is instantly accused of sanctioning abuse as well. In fact, any sort of power differential at all in a marriage is considered abuse by default.

      So, you’re right, Another Heather, there’s definitely a time to call the police and get out. But in most relationships, and most conflict, that’s just not what’s called for. And for most of us women in most marriages, it’s really a time to learn to submit. Dealing with truly abusive situations doesn’t appear to me to be Aron’s strong suit, but then again, dealing with not-really-abusive but still unpleasant marital situations doesn’t seem to be this culture’s strong suit.

      1. Thanks for your comment. One can hypothesize any number of situations, and it would be impossible to theoretically deal with all of them. However, the key points are these: a woman is NOT in a position to correct her husband, or fight with him. She needs to accept his wrongs. Nearly any error or sin on the part of the husband is easily responded to with the manners I went over above — through loving discussion, prayer, guidance by other men and by church leaders. These are effective, even if they sometimes take some time.

        The idea that a wife, or a husband for that matter, needs to leave the marriage because of the sin of their spouse is both wrong and destructive. People stay married for life, and fulfill their roles as man and wife, despite the sins of their spouse. One only leaves out of serious threat to human life. Similarly one would only go to the police if there is immediate threat to life. Getting the law involved ruins people’s lives and ruins people’s families. Then the law typically stays involved, and intentionally keeps families separate for years. Do. Not. Do. It. If you had a fight, go calm down, and deal with it more lovingly later. Keep the authorities OUT of it.

        Many men will indeed respond to the guidance of other men and their pastors. I’ve seen it happen myself. But you can be assured sadly that the state will NOT respond to a pastor’s guidance or warning. The state will continue to ruin people’s lives, and cause harmful consequences that pass down through generations. Violence comes along with breaking up families, and violence is a tool of the state. Once it’s in their hands, there is much less you can do, and you will have to dance to their tune for years.

        So you persevere in marriage, regardless of real or perceived wrongs. The vast majority of marriages stayed whole throughout many centuries of history, and that’s not because there was a lack of sin during some golden age. It was because of the character and integrity of the men and women, and the real commitment involved in marriage. You are committed to your spouse despite their sins, and you can be certain when you marry them, they will be imperfect, and they will sin. It will not kill you , but will help refine you, and teach you to love more deeply.

    3. Hello,

      I have to agree with Aron’s position in here and give a shout out to Original Heather in some points.

      Abuse has become a banality, that just this fact in itself is worrying, talking from the position of someone who works with public security, some departments have to deal daily with pedophile and murderers along with the guy that yelled at his wife and took her credit cards away. And this in itself is very dangerous, think of how many truly important crimes can be stopped while a bunch of officers are dealing with those smaller problems, that could be solved with councilors, religious or not. Well the system is how it is and we as as part of it shall respect the authorities above us and our personal opinions to ourselves while in the field.

      Men are absolutely capable of not only establishing but also respecting hierarchy in a manner I doubt many women would truly understand. For that reason you’ll see many governments, institutions like the army, the police force, and many others where men from different ranks talk and each one knows how to respect the position they’re speaking from and that creates a mature environment in which is possible for one to seek advice and self improvement in any area of life. I myself when in doubt about a financial decision or a decision about my marriage have gone to my father, even elder friends to look for the better options and solutions.

      Those type of situations alone can even show how men and women are different and act differently towards wrongness. A woman may not want to be corrected and dismiss her responsibilities maybe by fear, or even rebellion, but when well corrected she can be made better and good again by her husband, father, or guardian. A man is more independent, because we seek correction and even prevention in other forms as said in the example above, we see bigger pictures and of course when something is wrong and we fail to see it a gentle and respectful speech from a wife my just be a good start for a man to seek to be better for his family.

      I know many people, mostly secular women, who hate the decisions I’ve taken for my marriage, who would call it abuse and say I am a tyrant. But those are just not seeing the bigger picture, they’re so drunk on their feminist useless fight, that a stern order that I give my wife for them will be “abusive”, we have got to the point that these people get a stern order from their boss at work and dare to call it “abuse”. So really if we were to listen to every little one of these accusations we would simply not live our lives at all.

      1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Sergeant. Yes, a woman needs the clear leadership and correction of her husband. It does her good. The label of abuse is nearly always a false one, since it is aimed at nearly anything, including a man giving commands and controlling the household. It’s just an attack on marriage, most often on male authority.

        As the article covers, women need to focus on learning to follow their husband’s decisions when they disagree, and on doing their jobs even when he isn’t doing a good job at his. That is the goal for a godly wife, not looking for situations in which she may rebel. She has to trust her husband to make the decisions.


  4. Anonymous Avatar

    Your writings are overall so meaningful, this post also. The examples of dangerous behavior could bring harm to an innocent wife in many ways. While a man is hopefully able to correct himself, would you agree a wife can continue in her role while also defining her boundaries.

    1. Thank you, Anonymous. Yes, a wife can define her boundaries, within what God teaches, while also maintaining her respect for her husband. She can continue to do what she does, and is not being prevented from her work if her husband behaves in an ungodly way.

  5. Hello
    Specific case. What should this woman do? . . .

    1. Agnes, I am not interested in defining every hypothetical case, as I have already said. The main points are that a woman is in no position to tell her man what to do, and should not be starting arguments with him. She will need to live with his flaws and his sins. She works with him through gentle discussion, the example of her own holy obedience, and prayer. If problems are serious, other men and church leaders can get involved. These things work out in nearly all cases.

      We each live with an imperfect spouse, men and women alike, and will need to tolerate their imperfections, some of which will get better, and others of which will not. Marriage is binding for life, and each one of us will spend our life with a transgressor. A wife’s submission to her husband, including accepting decisions she does not like, helps her to grow as a woman, and to grow in love. It is a sacrifice, but that is good for her, and is part of the essence of marriage.

      1. I think maybe what all this tells me, which is certainly not rocket science, is for a man and a woman to really get to know each other for as long as possible before marriage. From the time we met until the time we married , 3 years passed for my husband and me. I know that probably seems too long to some, especially because it requires great willpower and strength to refrain from desires that are meant to be inside of marriage, but I felt like we really knew each other. We knew each other well, our thoughts, our positions on things, what we expected out of life and marriage, and also we got to know each others families well, how we were raised, our beliefs, and many other things.
        And so, after more than two decades together, there have been no surprises.
        I didn’t date much before marriage, but the couple of men that I did date I could tell after a few months they were not right for me. They seemed angry, or too aggressive, or just a feeling that I had that I would not be comfortable with them as a husband. So taking the time to really get to know your spouse before marriage can save a lot of headaches in the future. No marriage is perfect, but we can do a lot to ensure it can be a good, solid and loving one.

        1. Hello Lydia, Thank you for your reply. I agree. It is a good idea to know the other person well before marriage. That includes being united in faith and other beliefs, knowing they are virtuous and responsible, and getting to know their family and pastor. I believe this can be done within one year, but it’s possible it may take longer under certain circumstances.

          However, in the long run we simply don’t know everything that might occur in a marriage, and we don’t know all the failings our spouse may have. In that sense we always need to be prepared to live through good times and bad, and be able to forgive, and live with some things we do not like. This is true of both man and wife, but is pertinent here for the wife, since she is not the one in command. We need to respect that our spouse has weaknesses just as we do. We minister to them as we can, and we need to love them for life.


  6. Good day Aron and thank you for this article, but if a husband is unfair to his wife, shouldn’t he apologize and admit that he reacted too harshly? My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years, but it’s been a few months since we started DD lifestyle. Recently my husband forgot to put the event on our family calendar in one of our children’s sports.

    My husband said a few weeks ago that he was going to put the events in the family calendar but he has forgotten it and the night before the event we realized that the event was the next day and had already made other plans.

    My husband responded very badly and blame me that I forgot to put the event on our family calendar. I was furious and yelled at him for the unfairness of him not being able to admit this to me and that he himself forgot it. Then my husband punishes me with a spanking for being rude and yelling at him.

    I am always trying to please him and I know that I was the one who wanted this, but now I’m starting to doubt and I don’t like it when my husband is so unfair to me and accuse me of something I didn’t do. Best regards Anna.

    1. Hello Anna, This article relates to the woman’s position, and how to deal with things she does not like, or agree with. However, certainly, from the man’s perspective, if he does something he knows to be wrong, he should apologize. That is universal. However, it is not up to you to make him do that.

      I need to point out, if you are just trying to justify yelling at your husband, this factor does not come into play. You should not have yelled at him, regardless of whom you think was to blame. You need to learn to approach the situation very differently, and that is a part of what discipline helps with. He is right to punish you for yelling at him. Anytime a disagreement like that comes up, you speak to him humbly, and with respect, regardless of whether you think he was wrong.

      As far as disagreements in general, and people getting angry, that is common to any kind of marriage, and not unique to a discipline arrangement. I find if anything that discipline calms things down greatly, because a husband does not think he needs to get angry or yell, and a wife learns to respect her husband’s decisions, and be meek and gentle. It removes a great deal of situations where conflict might occur.

      So I think you will find those abrasive situations greatly decline in frequency over time. Just be persistent, and set your mind to growing in submission. When you have a disagreement, you speak lovingly and gently to your husband. Learn from the discipline he gives you.

      1. Hello Aron. I appreciate your feedback. You are right but since we are so new to DD marriage, maybe it was a little shocking for me, but other things in the marriage have improved a lot since we started a DD marriage. Blessing Anna.

        1. I’m glad you understand. It is good that you keep it in perspective. You are seeing some of the rewards already, but expect there to be challenges. That’s normal. Blessings to you and your family.

  7. alanrilley Avatar

    Men face enough criticism and judgement from other men, they really don’t need anymore from their wives. Men are incredibly competitive with each other naturally.

    If a husband makes a mistake the best thing for a wife to do is to look at things he did right and offer him praise. It’s a good opportunity for the wife to go deeper into submission and surrender to her husband’s will. Be the place he can feel like a winner, where he feels like a king.

  8. Mischievous Wife (But for a good reason) Avatar
    Mischievous Wife (But for a good reason)

    Dear Aron,
    My husband plays video games all night and can’t wake up in the morning as promised to help me get sleep after being up with our baby. Is it OK if I disconnect and hide his Xbox? It’s just for a few days and I promise not to argue with him about it. Just hide it. Thanks!

    1. Hello Mischievous Wife, Thank you for your question. No you may not hide his video games. Even if he were not your husband it would be wrong, as they do not belong to you. Since he is your husband you need to show respect and obedience to him.

      If he is wasting time with video games, it is something you can talk about with love to him, and let him know you need him there to help fulfill your needs. Even if he has a weakness in this area, do your best to continue to do your job, which I trust you are capable of doing.

      I’d be happy to speak with your husband if he’d like to learn from another experienced husband.

      Take care.

  9. You have a very clear image of what a godly husband is, but some men may disagree. I am not even talking about husbands who are violent or dangerous or even sinful, then a woman knows exactly she may not follow him or seek help.
    But what if he just wants something different, not necessarily ungodly but just different from what you picture and (possibly) what his wife expects?
    For example, he may want his wife to work. And she may want to be a full time homemaker and may have dreamt about it her whole life. Should she do as he says?
    Or he may not want to have children because he has some from previous marriage or just because he doesn’t want any. It’s not exactly a sin, right? And she cannot command him to stop using the protection. What can she do?
    I’m also interested in situations where he decides not what’s best for the family but what’s best for him, and doesn’t listen to his wife. Because he may not listen to what she says, even if it’s respectful and kind and rational. What is the right thing to do then?
    I would love to have your opinion on situations like this.

    1. Hello Jana, Thank you for your comment. What to do in a variety of situations is not really complicated. Unless a husband demands what is sinful, a wife needs to respect his decisions, and obey what he tells her to do. She can offer her advice and express her needs, but if she isn’t happy with the results, she cannot tell him what to do and should not be bitter or argumentative with him.

      In the case of being a homemaker, this is the role given to a woman in Holy Scripture. A wife ought to respect the Word of God and be a homemaker, even if her husband desires her to work outside the home. That is faithfulness to God, which is required above faithfulness to man.

      Childbearing is the central purpose of marriage, so it is wrong to intentionally not have children. However, a wife cannot tell her husband what to do, so if he is refusing to have children, she can simply communicate the need for children in a loving and respectful manner, as well as go to Christian brothers, and Church elders for support on that matter. Other men can teach the husband about the need for children in marriage.

      Naturally these and other topics should have been discussed before marriage, so there should be no significant surprises. Husband and wife should basically understand the course of the marriage, and a wife should already be prepared to accept that kind of marriage, because she knew how it would work beforehand, and agreed to get married.

      If her husband does not listen to a wife’s advice, then she lives with that, because it is her husband who makes the decisions. This is par for the course in marriage. She continues to do her job as his wife, and to be reverent towards him. She does not continue by complaining or making a fight out of it. She accepts his decision with grace.

      The key in any situation is that a wife always acts as a subordinate, and behaves meekly and with respect towards her husband. She does not speak badly of him or fight with him. I believe the basic principles covered in this article cover a wide variety of possible disagreements The main point is she needs to trust him even if she disagrees. She is not in a position to make the decisions.

  10. Hi Aron,

    You’ve mentioned the almost-supernatural power of spanking in the past. In thinking about this post some more, I thought it would be worth mentioning that there have been several times my husband decided to discipline me when I did indeed think he was wrong — that he was being unfair or hypocritical or not listening to my side enough or using discipline in the wrong moment, etc. Yet we have an agreement that discipline is his decision, not mine, and with a few shameful exceptions I have kept to my side of that agreement. And so there have been many times I have begrudgingly, reluctantly, maybe even with recriminations and protests, or a sullen attitude, taken my place on my knees to receive a chastening I did not see the point in getting or which I did not think I should be receiving, but to which I consented anyway.

    Generally though all of those thoughts of how right I am and how wrong he is are cleared up by the time he has finished disciplining me. There is something about submitting to him in this that brings us back to unity and alignment. It’s amazing how it changes my mind and my attitude. Just the act of getting on my knees to him, even aside from the discipline itself, seems to begin that work.

    And as for him, I asked him the other day how he feels after he has disciplined me. He replied, “It feels like the world has been made right again.”

    1. Hello Heather, That is a very good and accurate description. Spanking is so simple and effective, even when a wife has her protests. Often the process of discipline itself, including all your describe — the undress, the lecture, the spanking — helps a wife see her own responsibility, and places her more fully in her state of submission. She is no longer looking for flaws in her man.

      It is easy for a woman to come up with a list of reasons why she doesn’t deserve to be punished, but nearly all the time I’ve found this is the normal jumping around that a guilty mind tends to do. The mind is always looking for a reason to justify itself. Yet a husband who knows how to correct his wife firmly will put an end to this, help her see her responsibility more clearly, and his wife will benefit as a result.

      I fully agree with your husband’s description of how it feels after giving a spanking. A spanking sets the world right in a way other methods do not.

      Take care.

  11. Hello Aron,
    Lately I’ve been finding myself irritated and annoyed at my husband a lot. He tends to be incredibly curious all the time in a way that just wears me down with constant questions, not questions about me, but just questions. He’s an extremely detail-oriented, curious person.
    Like if I tell him, “I just saw on the computer such and such happened in another state,” he’ll start asking me a zillion questions about that incident, things I have no way of knowing. Or if I’m helping him with something online he’ll ask me to explain why I doubled clicked this and single clicked that, and a lot of it I do by feel so I have no idea how to explain it in detail as to why. It’s not a prying or nosy type of questioning, it’s just that he doesn’t seem to put things together real fast for himself (“Why does this sign say this?” “What is that paper on the table over there?” “What’s that movie title about?”) and is always asking me to explain everything in the world to him. I’m barely scratching the surface of explaining this, he’s just so intensely curious about everything that it’s so hard to do anything without me getting exasperated with all the questions, constantly, and when I try talking to him about it, he gets offended and angry that the questions bother me. So I’m trying to be submissive but sometimes I’m just so frustrated and annoyed at the 1000 questions about everything all day long, which I know is not how I should feel towards my husband but sometimes I think he should know what’s important to ask and what’s not, like try using inferences once in a while rather than wearing me out explaining absolutely everything in the world, constantly. And then as you can see I’m definitely not feeling very submissive. My husband disciplines me sometimes but not usually over my irritation at his overwhelming constant curiousity. Should I ask him to discipline me for this? I don’t like feeling this way but at the same time it seems unfair to be disciplined for it.

    1. Hello Reba, Thank you for your comment. I understand that people’s personalities, including those of a spouse, could be annoying and really get under our skin. However, usually they are harmless things, and just a part of the great human variety we have. If his asking questions bothers you, perhaps take it as a way to learn more patience, and to show more love. It is a minor challenge if anything, but seems a chance to grow. Let it refine you. We need to be able to show love to those who truly annoy us, and also be able to keep doing our jobs in the face of what we find distasteful. Be grateful that God has given you this minor hurdle to learn from.

      If your behavior in response to his questions has really been disrespectful, then it surely is a good idea to ask him to discipline you. However, it may be that you desire to be spanked simply because of the distaste you have for his questions, which surely does not reflect deep love for him. While the annoyance you feel may not be a sin or an infraction, it’s possible that a spanking could help you get past that resistance to accept his personality. It may help you focus on the reverence due him, or the proper attitude to have. Whether to ask to be disciplined for those latter reasons is a judgment call.

      Be grateful for everything your husband does, and for the man that he is. Don’t let one personality trait sour you. It’s alright to ask him kindly to not ask questions to you when it is distracting, or tell him that you need some quiet for a while, but if he won’t hear it, then it’s not worth causing friction over. I believe you can fully do your job as his wife despite any annoyance that you feel.

      Take care.

      1. Aron,
        Thank you for your kind and patient reply. You always speak to the heart of your commenters, as a true shepherd would. Your wisdom here is so much from the Lord, it reminds me of ancient Catholic mystics or something. At any rate I cherish the truth in all that, thank you.

        1. I am very honored, and I hope it truly helps you, Reba. Bless you.

  12. It can be so hard to not argue back to your husband and I often fail in this respect. I do ask for his forgiveness once I calm down and ask for punishment as sometimes he doesn’t give it straight away. I am getting better at not shouting when I think he might be wrong and listening to him first, but will take time.

  13. Hopefullandfearfull Avatar

    I understand every marriage is unique and different and you can’t know exactly what is right, but how would you handle mental illness in the husband?

    My husband knows he has mental illness and needs help and gets it. But we both want to live this lifestyle and want him to be in control and for me to trust him completely. He has autism, ocd, and bipolar. Because of these conditions his brain desires control, complete, unhealthy control. Even unhealthy for him. The more control he gets the more he wants and it is self destructive in his whole life, not just us, but he will start to demand that same control at work, society, church, everything. Because of this we have had an agreement that I dont let him control some things. (That is common advice for the caregiver of someone with ocd). He has to learn to have that anxiety about something’s not being “his way”. The more control he has the more his bipolar and autism come to the forefront and ruin his life. He is unhappy when he is out of balance.

    But now we are trying to live this lifestyle and are struggling to find the balance? It seems it should be all or nothing. I desire not to have “parody” and pretend that he is in charge until we both agree I need to take over. But I also, in my heart, I know that I don’t fully trust him in his manic state. Nor should I – and he agrees. He has hurt me in the past (like actual injury, he doesn’t want to do that but when he goes to far down the controllling rabbit hole his brain can’t stop).

    The miracle is that since starting this and him seeing my submission, he has been able to be stronger than his illness in some ways and I have seen it almost heal him. But he isn’t in a manic state right now. He suggests that when he is in a manic state we stop and dont have the rules or discipline. My concerns are two fold. 1- I am the only one that knows when he is in the manic state (not even him), so I am determining it I get the discipline or if I have to follow his rules. That is too much responsibility for me! I don’t trust that much power and judgment.! That negates this whole doctrine of true submission. And two- I fear giving him more control and leadership will lead to more manic states, as we have seen that in the past. However I am leaning into faith that maybe the second concern won’t happen that we are now doing it from a godly perspective and god will bless us with a miracle and he can make “beauty for ashes” and part this Red Sea for us. Because we are seeking deliverance from both my rebellious spirit and his mental illness.. I truly believe this is a wonderful way to have a marriage but I feel like the only way it works is if it is 100% with no holding back. And advice? Especially with concern number 1.

    1. Hello Hopeful and Fearful, It is admirable that you want to give yourself 100% to submission. Submission is a complete giving of the self, but really, in human terms, there are always limited exceptions. The most common which qualifies for any marriage would be for evil, since you are not obliged to do evil because of his authority. The authority of God takes over there.

      In a situations such as yours, or with a man who was otherwise mentally handicapped, there can be legitimate exceptions given, while your complete submission still functions where his authority is used legitimately. Perhaps the best way to lay that out, in terms of his at times losing his reason, is that he explains your responsibilities when he is most lucid and under control. He also lays out what kind of things you do or do not need to do, including more absurd things he may wish if he is out of control. Then those limitations would be guided by him, even if it does take your discernment to know for sure if he is not of right mind.

      I also am encouraged by the fact your husband can improve in his conditions. Much mental illness has a strong spiritual element, and is also affected by things which change in our lives, including life experiences, relationships, and decisions we make. It is not all set in stone. It may be in the future his difficulty will become much milder or go away completely.

      I believe even within the limitations which exist, you can have a godly working marriage, with his headship and your submission. Going through these difficulties, as any other, is a chance to know the other more deeply, and love each other more strongly. I really trust you can do it.


    2. Cresta Avatar

      H and F,
      That’s a really difficult situation. I don’t know what Aron would say ultimately. It brings to mind my father, whom I normally would honor and respect his wishes to a huge degree, but who now has moderate dementia. I normally don’t lie to ANYONE but my sister and I have had to take his car keys away, because he has no self-awareness of his condition so he cannot understand why he cannot drive himself random places now, and he cannot be trusted to drive. If we tell him that we took his keys he is unable to understand why and would get angry and violent to get them back. so for now they are just “lost.” There’s really not a whole lot one can do with someone who simply can’t understand normal everyday things.

      And mental illness is a lot like that, I’m not suggesting you steal your husband’s keys or lie to him or anything like that, but sometimes our men are incapacitated and then their ability to lead is compromised. It is really great though that he has the insight to know that there are times he might be in a manic state and won’t be able to judge that for himself and that he trusts you. Maybe in those times you can be hyper-respectful and deferent in all the ways you can, kneel to him and let him know you honor him but that as agreed, right now would not be a good time for discipline or whatever because you believe things are a bit “too much” at the moment. Maybe keeping a notebook together of what is happening so you can both look at it next week when he is in a different state and you can defer discipline to him again, he can read over what was happening and decide then what he should do.

  14. I recently had to deal with a situation where I thought my husband made the wrong decision. We had gone to the natural history museum with friends who were visiting from out of town, and when we left, we had to stop at the nearest station for gas. It was a small station that was very busy, and it was VERY hot outside. I didn’t realize he was going in to pay instead of paying at the pump, so I turned the car off, and when I noticed, I couldn’t turn the car back on because he had the key fob. It took ages for him to come back out, the kids and I were sweating, the baby was crying. It was super overwhelming and I was really upset.

    Before all of this, I absolutely would have lost my cool and yelled at him for going inside. To be honest, I still *really* wanted to do so. Thankfully, though, I managed to shove that down and instead thanked him for taking us to the museum. It was SO hard, but I know it meant a lot to him and it kept from ruining an otherwise great day.

  15. NotMe Avatar

    How should a woman behave toward a husband who says he will do a thing that she counts on, and then doesn’t? Perhaps he doesn’t even remember that he has promised.

    If he changes his mind she would accept his decision, but if he says nothing and breaks his word, may she gently remind him? Is it disrespectful—or helpful—to bring his attention to his promise?

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      A wife may gently and respectfully remind her husband to do something he said that he would do. That’s no problem. She should just avoid nagging and going on about it continually. She should not make it combative, but simply a loving request.

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