Managing Your Wife: Emotional Outbursts

This is part of a series called Managing Your Wife. You can read the first articles on Finances right here.

I am writing in response to the concerns of one of our readers, who wanted some insight on a wife’s emotional outbursts, and how a husband can deal with them. Said outbursts were her own, but considering they were a repeated experience for her, and also a habit for certain other women, I did want to address the topic. One thing to remember is that an outburst, by definition, is simply a strong emotional release, and that not all outbursts involve punishable behavior. Women in general are more likely to get emotional, whether to start venting frustrations verbally or by crying. A husband has various options to deal with them, as he does with other matters of guiding his wife.

If outbursts are something that lead her to be disrespectful or disobedient, then this certainly needs to be confronted and she should be spanked. The same is true if it leads her to complaining about her husband, if that complaining is persistent, and she will not stop when told she needs to stop. The husband needs to stand up to her. He needs to be bold. Outbursts of emotion sometimes become too expected for women, leading some to believe that  being emotional can used as an excuse for bad behavior. It becomes a variant of the “everybody does it” argument. Yet the human being is not meant to be out of control. He is meant to be well ordered, peaceful, and self controlled. Any woman can learn self control, and maintain respect and obedience to her husband, even if she is feeling an influx of emotion. She has no excuse. She is a grown up and should make it a goal to have a loving and gentle countenance at all time, including in hardship. 

Some of the pitfalls of having a tantrum are that a wife will get into trouble. This may be because she becomes disrespectful, or outright insulting. It may be that she causes an ugly scene in public. It may be that she becomes resentful of discipline, and chooses to resist her husband’s correction when instructed what to do. Each of these need to be addressed with discipline, but ideally, I would correct her when she is calmer, so that it registers more with her mind, and you do not need to fight her. If she is too emotional for a calm talk, give her time in the corner, as much as she needs, and proceed with her correction later when you find she’s ready. She should regret not just the infraction, but the loss of control that led to it, and which landed her over your knee. Give her tips to stay away from any tantrums in the future. Let her know you expect more mature behavior and how she needs to respond differently next time. You will see far fewer tantrums.

Spankings are excellent at restoring a woman to stillness at heart, so there will at least be some short term good there with visible results. A spanking restores her to calm, diminishes her anxieties or her confusion, and gets her back focused on what she needs to do. That’s not that it will never need to be repeated, but a simple taste of your strength, and some time bare and vulnerable over your knee, will make her wonder what she was ever upset about, or at least be able to view her problem her more realistically, and rationally. She will be responding to you, and you will be giving her the direction she needs, so she will not be torn up by whatever situation caused her outburst. You are her strength, and often what she needs is a simple spanking.

There will be many instances when emotional behavior by a woman does not cross the line into a serious infraction. However, even in these instances, it is good for a husband to provide her with the guidance that will help her avoid being so overwhelmed. He should help her acquire peace inside, long-suffering in any problems, and a deeper sense of trust, all of which can help stem any tide of anxiety or anger which she feels. He can remind her when she is nearing that line of losing control, or preemptively give her instruction or encouragement before it happens. These are ongoing goals, part of the slow growth in maturity, but guiding her to peace is a natural part of his leadership, and spiritual role in the home. Knowing she can trust in her husband, and feeling his love and strength, also help women to be balanced, and not so easily overridden by their emotions. It is comforting for them. If a woman loses control, sometimes simply leaving her alone will give her time to collect herself, and the matter can be better approached later.

A husband should be aware that tantrums can be sparked by a variety of causes. Some appear to have no cause. A wife might be stressed and overwhelmed, and lashes out because she is feeling raw. In contrast, she may simply be spoiled, and used to getting her way, so she bawls because she can’t get her way, or because she doesn’t like what she has to do. She may be holding on to bitterness, which has found its point of release. Leading her soul to peace will include a variety of things: any practical help she may need in life, as well as helping in her spiritual growth, in humility, meekness, and femininity, all of which will set a sweet tone in the heart so that it does not easily blow up. Her trust in your as her husband is very important, and provides rest for the soul. Your strength, encouragement, direction, and admonishment when she needs it keep her soul healthy, and helps her walk in dignity, so that she does not easily stumble.

It should be noted that some couples practice spanking even when there has not been a clear offense. Take that into consideration. Many women will say that a spanking helps them simply as a stress relief, or to get them back to being focused when they are falling apart. While I do not use spanking that way myself, you may find that it can help alleviate tantrums, even when no disrespect or disobedience is involved. The act is very intimate and powerful, and helps guide women on the right path. A spanking on the bare over the knee can cleanse stress, ill feelings, and unwanted guilt either way. The lesson that comes with a spanking, and the way it focuses a woman on having the right mindset, can also prove beneficial in these instances. It really is a judgment call to be worked out with some discussion, but you may find spankings help your wife in getting over being too emotional, despite the fact they are not punitive.

Feeling bad and crying are not evils. Much of the time they can be dealt with through prayer and other means. It is good for a woman to be introspective, and aware when such feelings begin to come upon her. Once she recognizes them, she is better ready to respond in the right way, and place her heart in a place of love, and prepare her feet for the right action. She should prepare her heart to be grateful for all she has, in the midst of whatever anxiety she feels. She should also know where that line she does not wish to cross is, and learn to walk in peace, despite any crisis she feels. Her behavior does not need to give way to tantrums. Such loss of control often results from attacks of fear or bitterness, and these are demons which can be dispelled. Overall, having a strong and intimate marriage makes such outbursts rare, but the female heart will always go through them at times, and they are not to be feared. She is the weaker vessel. With her husband’s protection she always comes to deeper peace. 

You can read most of my articles here according to their general topic on my About page.


39 responses to “Managing Your Wife: Emotional Outbursts”

  1. Known but anonymous Avatar
    Known but anonymous

    Hi Aron,
    Unfortunately, many of my emotional outbursts are the result of being subjected to an emotional outburst on his part. For instance the other day I was trying to talk with him about a topic in the car and he just started screaming at the top of his lungs in the car for me to leave him alone. I got out and walked home. I was so upset and shaken that he screamed at me like that, and he was telling me why he was justified for screaming in the car at the top of his lungs, that when I got home I ended up screaming back at him that I won’t be treated like that and that he needed to repent. It’s a mess because I really want to be submissive but I don’t want to be submissive in such a way that allows him to treat me badly, so I feel like when he gets that way that I need to stand up to him. He has not disciplined me for this because when these things happen, he says he no longer feels empowered to discipline me.
    These things don’t happen often, but when they do we are both completely messed up in the process. Otherwise we usually have a good marriage and he disciplines me sensibly. But sometimes I believe he’s using his authority as an occasion for his flesh and it’s hard for me to take discipline when I feel like he is using it to reserve his right to act badly.

    1. Hello Known, Men get angry as well. This is true. But as far as your life and your choices are concerned, there is no excuse for screaming at your husband, or being otherwise out of control and emotional. Being submissive to him does not cause him to get angry. Being submissive is what you owe him, and will help him when you do it consistently and with love. Anything you can scream at him about not liking to be screamed at can also be said in a gentle way with understanding. Learn not to react when provoked. Respond with calm and love, even when he is at fault. Talk over your problems with mutual understanding, without creating any hostilities. It will do good.

      1. Anonymously Known Avatar
        Anonymously Known

        Thanks Aron.
        You always paint with such straight lines. I appreciate your plumbline and your shepherd’s heart.

        1. Thank you. I am very honored to be able to help.

    2. Dear Known,

      One of the greatest privileges in loving a man is helping him, and when he is losing his self control is when he needs your help and support the most. It is possibly a shameful thing to him that he can’t keep his temper. This is not a good time to point out that an angry man is not at his best, and that he is hurting you. He knows. He is hurting himself.

      This is a good time to think about how much you love him. It might even be a good thing to say, quietly, out loud. If it’s hard to remember your love for him while he is screaming, consider that if you didn’t love him so much, his anger wouldn’t bother you so much.

      You can think about letting his anger just wash over you like rain sheeting off the car, leaving it dry inside. Or you can think about absorbing his anger and letting your love for him neutralize the poison. He loves you. He’s angry, probably because he loves you.

      You can choose to have had an angry disagreement in the car, or to have accepted his anger as any other discipline, submitting quietly to it until he is finished. You can even apologize for making him angry! This is way easier to do when you don’t think you’re actually wrong. It is like giving a gift.

      You can view his anger as an opportunity to just love him harder.

      “A mild answer turns back wrath…a soothing tongue is a tree of life.”

  2. When my wife has an emotional outburst that is very inappropriate, she immediately is made to stand in the corner for a long period of time, longer than her usual pre spanking cornertime. She needs the time to calm down, know that he has behaved very badly and this landed herself in the corner and will be soundly spanked after she has served her time. She has a hard time for the first 10 minutes and then stands in the corner properly, quieter and contrite. She is always bare bottomed with her behind on display. She will then be either strapped or in extreme cases, caned (if her outburst was in public). She will then be sent back to the corner with a very red butt on display. Because she is punished severely, emotional outbursts are rare in our house.
    Wonderful article Arron!

  3. Wondering Avatar

    I think I’ve had a problem with this line of thinking for a WHILE, now. I get it, that you shouldn’t be controlled by your emotions. But for me, I’m a very emotional person. That doesn’t mean I scream and stuff all the time. I just seem to CARE a lot about things and I get frustrated and end up being sarcastic or disrespectful when it seems like he has a different way of seeing things. A lot, if not every time, it’s something that I ignore for so long and don’t say anything and then all of a sudden, I can’t handle it and I say the first reaction that comes to mind. 😐 Now here’s the thing: I don’t think any amount of spanking or correction will ever change that. I seriously think if I had the time to think “I’ll be in trouble if I say this…” then I would have time just to stop myself anyways. Because really, I WANT to do what’s right. And if, when my emotions were the highest, I COULD think rationally, I just would. Not in order to not get in trouble, in order just to do right. Does that make sense? 🤔 Am I missing something?

    1. Hello Wondering, There are definitely things that need to go on besides being spanked. One of those is really changing your attitude and patterns of thought. This is especially true of the Christian, who should be molding his mind to the mind of Christ. You can learn to recognize being sarcastic, flippant, or disrespectful for what it is. You can see that it has its roots in the flesh. You learn to see it before it occurs, and stop yourself from reacting in a carnal way. You replace selfish and carnal reactions with bold and sincere expressions of love and honor to your husband. Spanking can provide a deterrent, and point you in the right direction, but you need to make inner change yourself too.

  4. kjmoooley Avatar

    I can get quite emotional at times and my husband has spanked me when this has happened. Women can be subject to fluctuations in mood due to hormones, be it their monthly cycle, pregnancy, menopause. Should a husband make allowances for this? I am currently pregnant with our fourth child, in my first trimester. I find this period of the pregnancy to be the most emotional as I feel so tired, suffer with morning sickness and am apprehensive about managing to care for another child. My husband spanked me last week because of an emotional outburst. He had asked me to make sure that I check the dates of food in the fridge as he found some out of date ham. I got really upset and shouted at him that I was just feeling so tired that it was difficult for me to keep check of everything. I got sent to the corner to calm down. Once calm he lectured me about the outburst, I said that I thought it was due to the hormones from pregancy and I asked for a reprieve. My husband said even if it was I still needed a spanking, and I was then given a hard paddling. Do you think a husband should make allowances for hormonal fluctuations? It feels unfair to me to not be given some allowance for this.

    1. It’s good to hear from you. There are many possible reasons for a woman’s outbursts, including hormones. As far as hormones go, each woman can vary a bit in her patterns. Naturally, a husband should be understanding about the fact that his wife is weaker and more emotional. Expressions of strong emotions are not wrong in themselves. However, if the situation crossed the line, and you started yelling at him, then I agree that a spanking was in order. Yelling at your husband is disrespectful and I’m sure you know better. However, each husband can make his judgment call about where that line is.

  5. lesleyderby Avatar

    Hi Aron,

    During the first year of marriage I was prone to the the odd emotional outburst, when this happened my husband made me remove all my clothing and stand in the corner. These cornertimes were quite long affairs as he would wait until I had calmed down before using the leather strap on my bottom and then returning me to the corner with my punished bottom on display.
    I learnt very quickly that this was disrespectful and showed a lack of discipline so managed to curb most of these emotional outbursts.
    Today if my husband senses that I am anywhere near starting down this avenue then I am put in the corner naked until I have had time to think about things and I can then get dressed and carry on without the strap being used.


    1. Thank you for your comment, Lesley. Very often that’s simply what a woman needs — some time to calm down and reflect on the matter. But naturally if it crosses the line, she ought to be spanked. It does teach better discipline and self control.

  6. Kara Leah Avatar

    My husband bought this bench from internet. During emotional outburst, I am stripped naked and tied to the bench. It’s so humiliating. It exposes a lot. It makes an awkward position. As an adult female I feel so embarrassed to be like that. I am tied that till I calm down. My husband is very strict. he would never finish punishment till I apologize profusely. Humiliating memories of being on bench stops emotional outbursts very successfully.

    [Comment edited by Aron]

    1. Hello Kara, Thank you for your comment. I have heard of benches being used in discipline, for varying purposes. I can see how it could calm you down, as well as be very humbling. If my wife is getting out of control, I will have her stand in the corner for as long as it takes. Punishments can be an excellent deterrent in the future, and remind a wife of what will happen if she steps over the line. It is not something she should want to have to repeat.

      1. Maga Quin Avatar

        Same here. My husband has this floor bench in his study/office room. My hand wrist and feet are tied. There is belly support seat but nothing to support head or chest. my husband continues his work or online meetings while I do my punishment. If I behave properly during punishment, he releases me with lecture. If I move or make a noise, I get severe spanking. Last year I used to get maintenance punishment like as he wanted me to become more submissive.

    2. Being naked while on the wall can be very humiliating indeed, but my husband always says that the feeling of humiliation experienced during a punishment, together with the pain of the punishment, does wonders for a wife’s behavior.

      1. Yes, it truly does, Ninna. I have seen remarkable and quick changes in behavior from my wife after I punish her. She makes a point to learn her lesson.

  7. Hi. I’m just asking a clarifying question. On behalf of the previous comment, are you saying it’s acceptable for a man to have an emotional outburst and not a woman? If a husband exhibits an emotional outburst, is the wife supposed to accept it? What can she do to let him know she doesn’t wanted to be treated so in an acceptable and respectful way?

    1. Hello Kate, I believe I explain in my previous comment what I meant. I said that his behavior is no excuse for her getting angry and yelling at him. She should reply in a gentle and loving way. She can explain to him that she does not like being screamed at without screaming herself or being nasty. Her speech should be loving, and she should show understanding to the situation.

    2. If the husband displays explosive behavior, the wife should remain gentle, and teach her husband by example and not by discipline.

      “Having your conversation honest among the Gentiles: that, whereas they speak against you as evildoers, they may by your good works, which they shall behold, glorify God in the day of visitation.”1 Pedro 2:12

  8. What do you think of a men giving his women oral sex ?

    1. I think it’s a good idea.

      1. You don’t think it makes the wife the leader at that moment?

        1. No I do not. The man can remain in charge while pleasuring his wife. It also shows he knows how to bring her great pleasure, and he knows her body well, which is all a part of his mastery of her.

          Giving should be natural for him, and it lifts her up.

      2. More often than not, I’ll pause as my wife gets close. She knows to ask ‘Please make me cum, sir,’ for me to continue. There is no doubt who is leading.

  9. Hello, It’s very good to meet you. I take it you are using your husband’s account, since Ahmad is a male name in Arabic. Emotional outbursts are trying times, and they do call for action. It is hard to experience them, or to be on the receiving end of one.

    If you recognize your need for your husband’s guidance and discipline when you lose control, you should ask him if he would do that. Explain the difficulty you see these outbursts are causing, and let him know you’d like him to handle it. If he has punished you for other things before, he surely will be open minded about punishing you for your outbursts as well.

    Once he does, I know you can look forward to being free from them.

  10. My husband ignores me for a few days per emotional outburst I have. Usually won’t talk to me unless it’s to tell me to do something.

    My kinda dumb way around this is I am allowed to go for a drive during nap time or after they go to bed (we live on same property as father in law so always have one of my husband’s 10 siblings around to keep an eye on children). He doesn’t know I do this, but I will drive to somewhere secluded, park, and then cry and allow myself to break down until I feel better. Than compose myself and go back home lol. Or I’ll lock myself in my bedroom and do the same thing. It allows me to vent and feel better without causing strife in my marriage 😊

  11. I always find your posts about women’s needs so insightful, Aron. Your wife must feel beautifully supported in your care, as you seem to understand women on a very deep level. My husband can tell you that I also struggle to control my emotions sometimes. I think it’s a natural consequence of having a pure, womanly heart. We feel deeply and can sometimes express ourselves badly as a result. I don’t mean to say that as an excuse, only that this is true for many women, and even a wife who thinks she’s conquered this problem can find herself back on that roller coaster from time to time. As you so wisely told your male readers, “You are her strength.”

    I’ve never embarrassed my husband with a tantrum, certainly not in public, but I am sure that I’ve had what he might call an outburst. A harsh tone of voice or a flash of disrespect are a sign to him that I’m becoming overrun with frustration (sometimes fatigue), and it’s coming out as anger. It rarely has anything to do with him, but he knows how to set things right. Sometimes he’ll bend me over right where we’re at, before I have a chance to say another word. Other times, he’ll send me to our room to reflect and worry before he comes up. But I’m always so tense and angry and tearful that it’s a relief to ride it all out under his hand. To just let him spank it right out of me. When I’m truly emotional, a warning wouldn’t have worked. I need that hard, painful reminder that this isn’t the woman I’m meant to be. I didn’t want to be angry, I just couldn’t get past it on my own. I need my husband to force an emotional reset, and even though I couldn’t tell him that with words, he’s wise enough (and loving enough) to give me exactly what I need.

    1. Thank you, Sophia. Those are helpful insights from your marriage. At times a spanking is best, even if it is not truly necessary to punish an offense. Time to calm down is very helpful too. You have a wonderful marriage.

  12. When I first started dating my husband I would have emotional outbursts at times. He explained that they were because of my own stress and anxiety, and that he didn’t take them personally, but that regardless that behavior would not be tolerated.
    As he made clear, the bottom line is that if I can’t control myself then I will be controlled by him. And that’s basically how it’s been during our marriage. My husband is the decision maker, he only allows me to interact with people that he approves of, he manages what media I have access to, so I don’t suffer from anxiety that would lead to emotional reactions.
    Of course the fear of punishment helps. I know that an outburst at home will be punished and that an outburst in public will be severely punished, since that sort of disrespect is totally unacceptable. I’m grateful that my husband has enforced an environment for me where I am calm and at peace under his direction.

  13. Anonymous Avatar

    A very meaningful article. A man who puts importance on understanding his wife’s emotions will in turn receive her love, admiration and trust.
    Generally, women are very attuned to their emotions and ability to express. It is not a stretch to think most women may feel more emotionally intelligent then men. Are we?

    “He needs to….”
    “He should…”
    “Why won’t he…”

    A man willing to pay attention and lead in love will respond to such wondering; opening windows that equally serve a woman’s undiscovered needs. That’s been my experience.
    I mention “equal”, as in fulfillment, happiness. Self-growth.
    The journey of submission I oft resisted, continues to be rewarding and I so appreciate my husband’s patient yet unwavering leadership.
    Aron has spelled it out perfectly in this article. Thank you.

    1. Thank you Anonymous. I’m glad you’ve found the article valuable. Man and wife do experience happiness and fulfillment together, each in their respective roles. A man should care about his wife’s emotions, and lead her to feel safe and deeply valued.

  14. “With her husband’s protection she always comes to a deeper peace.” This, I can attest, is truth. The problem though is that this society simply does not understand anymore that men and women are different. Men are taught that they are committing acts of domestic violence by attempting to control their wives in any way, even if just by gently grabbing her arm and telling her to calm down.

    Men always complain about ex-girlfriends and wives “going crazy.” I’ve never known a man yet that hasn’t had a complaint of the sort. Well, no, us women are not crazy. We are just emotional- how else could we actually tolerate things like pregnancy?? The problem is the lack of guardianship from men. Until it is assumed that men need to control and protect and provide for their wives, that cohabitation is NOT acceptable, and that women must obey their husbands, relationships and marriage between men and women will always and forever be unstable and men will fail consistently with women.

    1. Thank you, Alexandria. I know it’s very hard for men, especially in this culture. I have never had any of those problems with my wife, since we have both been committed to our roles from the beginning of our marriage. If men knew just how possible this is, they would not be as jaded as they are. Men and women are built for each other, and our differences are a part of our compatibility, including the woman’s need for her man’s strength.

      A man should know to be very upfront about gender roles when he is looking for a wife, and only marry a woman who is committed to her role as a wife. He needs to put it all on the table, and let her know what he expects. Otherwise, it really is a danger.

      I appreciate your insights.

  15. mmclainss Avatar

    I can get very emotional around my time of month. My husband is an expert at dealing with it. He will get my sister to keep the kids for an evening, he will draw me a bath, have scented candles everywhere, and usually has all my favorite chocolates on hand. Then he watches a movie with me while he gives me a massage. It never fails to give my mind the rest that it needs, and I can face the next day refreshed and energized.

    1. If emotionalism does not lead a woman to any serious offense, it can sometimes disappear with relaxation, quiet time, and affection. It is worth spending time in prayer as well if you feel overwhelmed.

    2. Anonymous Avatar

      This is a very lovely way to support you when you are feeling emotional. You and your husband sound very blessed.

  16. I’m not typically a very emotional person, so outbursts are pretty uncommon, but on the rare occasion, when just the right buttons get pushed, I can completely lose my cool.

    One instance in particular that I remember is when my husband and I were in college and engaged and his dad was visiting. We were at the mall, eating and chatting in the food court, and his dad and I had a disagreement over something I don’t even remember now, but I do remember that I felt condescended to by something he said and stormed out of the food court, across the mall, and out to my car. My husband (then fiancé) was obviously upset and embarrassed, and I realize now that it was definitely deserving of a spanking, but that was many years ago, before either of us understood a husband’s authority, and we weren’t married yet anyway. This incident came to my mind today, and I asked my husband if he remembered it. Of course, he did, which makes me feel so ashamed, even after all of these years.

    Thankfully, as I said, such instances are really rare. There have been less than a handful in our 20 years together (15 married), and all but a year and a half or so of that without him disciplining me.

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Thank you for your comment. Some women have more of a problem with their emotions than others, and discipline is not always necessary if it is a minor thing. I’m very glad you can avoid outbursts most of the time.

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