Spanking in its Rightful Place

It seems for both those who are interested in spanking and those who are disinterested in it, there are common misunderstandings about what spanking in a relationship is really about. These misunderstandings can lead one to greatly misuse spanking, or to wrongly dismiss it as a pointless practice. I want to clear some of that confusion up, and show the reader spanking in its proper place. That is spanking as a tool within the awesome union of marriage.

One of the biggest misunderstandings is that there is such a thing as a spanking relationship. I don’t believe such a thing exists, or if it does, that it is really worth having. Rather, spanking is one of various tools of discipline in a REAL relationship. The relationship is one of lifelong love in marriage. It is one in which the man cares for, protects, leads, and provides for his wife, and in which his wife helps, loves, and submits to her husband. It is so deep a unity, and so deep a love, the man and woman are called one flesh. It is within that full context of a loving, lifelong relationship that spanking functions. The loving head of the home has it as an option if his wife drifts out of good behavior. His responsibility is for her and for her good, and that includes correcting her. So a spanking functions as a means of correction that the head of the home uses to correct his wife.

Nor does having spanking in the marriage relationship mean that it is the main method of communication, or that it is always occurring. That would be absurd. In a marriage husband and wife talk, the husband cares to know his wife’s needs and wants, and is willing to hear her godly thoughts and advice also. A husband gives her gentle instruction, and gives verbal correction for many things that might go wrong. They enjoy time together. They worship together. Perhaps serve in a church together. They teach their children together. They share many beautiful intimate moments together. It is a normal, happy, productive relationship in marriage. There is nothing different about it just because it involves a physical form of discipline. It is not a spanking relationship.

Even the aspect of leadership alone is robust. A husband’s leadership for his wife includes many areas. He leads in home worship, prayer, and Bible study. He sets certain standards for the home, such as in holiness, modesty, and ethics. He naturally will have unique responsibilities for his wife, even as she has some of her own projects. He sets certain rules of the household as well, and how the children should be cared for. While his wife is not micromanaged, she still functions within his oversight, leadership, and rules. She needs to obey his commands, and stay within his rules. To sketch that a little for you, I have rules of dress for my wife, I set times the children need to be in bed, I avoid supporting certain companies because they are immoral or unjust, I let my wife know things the children need to be taught, as well as basically how we will discipline them. Like anyone who heads a body, or like Christ who heads the Church, I have commands and practices that are meant for the benefit of the people under authority. My wife has many activities she does mostly on her own, but she is always under my authority and oversight. That is for the glory of God and the good of the whole family.

Those going out looking for spanking relationships, or who see it as the basis for any relationship at all, will end up getting confused about its purpose. No relationship is built on nothing but discipline and correction. A relationship is built on love, while discipline and correction simply function when authority needs to be enforced, and behavior corrected. Having good rules in the household, ones which will be enforced whether by corporal punishment or by other means, is one way the head of the home fulfills his job to lead and protect. Rules are good for the entire household, including his wife. The head of the home establishes the rules, within the context of godly commands and principles, and he enforces the rules when necessary. This is no different than in any other authority structure, except in the minor details. The principles of headship, rules, and correction are basically the same.

Viewing it by comparison will help you see the picture. Think about other authorities which perform many functions, but which also have a correction system. Parents practice correction when their children misbehave. Businesses of all kinds and sizes have a correction system, even if it just means firing. The government has a massive correction system, and will send men in uniform to put you in chains and throw you in a cage. Teachers, while under the authority of the school head, have a correction system in the classroom. Using discipline then is little more than on of various methods the loving head uses to conform those under him to the right standards. It is one organ in a much broader and deeper relationship. So too, spanking in marriage is one method of correction in  a deep and multi-faceted union between husband and wife.

What correction does within a godly, healthy marriage, is enforce authority and enforce rules when they are being disrespected. Every authority in the world has a system of discipline and so should any husband. If he did not, his headship would be mere titular headship, and not amount to any real authority. He could be completely brushed off any time, and many husbands are. His commands could be ignored with no consequences. Yet it is not a mere title to be the Head of Home. It is not mere words you can write on your office plaque. Head of the home is an authority position. The husband can certainly back up that authority if his wife disrespects it, and spanking is just one of several methods he can use.

Some husbands do have an active discipline system, but do not use spanking. They may withhold privileges instead, or have their wife do a task as punishment. Some may ground them, have them write lines or give them other non-physical discipline. Spanking functions as a similar tool, one the husband uses to correct his wife, and warn her of future bad behavior. It happens to be a punishment which is usually more feared than standing in the corner or writing lines, as well as a punishment which is much more humbling than the others. I would add that many husbands who use it also find it is more effective than other kinds of correction. It helps correct the wife’s behavior, and also works strongly on her attitude, bringing her heart to a more submissive place. It also can bring a change in her behavior immediately, and make verbal warnings much more effective later. A spanked wife knows that a warning comes with something to back it up. Having used spanking myself, and tried other methods too, I strongly agree that it is the superior form of discipline. Sometimes you need to take her off the pedestal, and light a fire under her.

While spanking is not for everyone, it is good for many marriage relationships, and could help many more marriages than currently use it. Its benefits are easy to achieve. One key to view spanking honestly, and decide if it is best for you, is to recognize its place within the full context of marriage. It is one tool of correction in a marriage which contains many elements, and is built on love, unity, sacrifice, leadership, and submission. You couldn’t take the foundation stones a way, and be left with a spanking relationship. You would be left with very little. It would have no purpose left. I hope that you understand it better now.


14 responses to “Spanking in its Rightful Place”

  1. […] Nor is discipline the basis for a relationship itself, something I discussed in my article Spanking in its Rightful Place . Getting together with someone, coming up with rules, and spanking or being spanked does not a […]

  2. […] a try — is to understand authority and leadership first. Spanking does not exist alone. It is merely a tool within a marriage. A tool for the leader to […]

  3. […] as well as the betterment of harmful attitudes and behaviors. Beyond that, recognize the fullness of the loving relationship that man and wife have day after day for many years, and the mutual love, support, joy, and […]

  4. […] and your responsibility as her husband. Spanking in marriage is simply a tool in marriage. It is not a game. it is not a chance to unleash negative emotions. It is a teaching tool in leading her in growth. […]

  5. […] for your good and protection. If he sees this broader picture, and embraces his role as authority, spanking will fit in better in its rightful purpose — which is keeping you from stepping out of bounds, and […]

  6. […] to spank your wife. You are not making a list of rules for the sake of having rules — you are taking the reigns of leadership that you regularly need to take anyway, and you are also enforcing them, for your […]

  7. […] stuff. She sometimes needs to hear it. Yet one of the reasons it can be so effective is that it comes from her man whom she trusts, who is regularly treating her with warmth, protection and love. For that man to […]

  8. […] her husband for the correction for that one dangerous behavior, but at the same time, for his daily guidance and leadership of her. She is thanking him for being her head, caring about her behavior, and keeping her on the […]

  9. […] and without loud rebellion, they took on those and other terrible behaviors. Quieter women need the protection and guidance that spanking can provide just as surly ones do. Any woman can drift to the right or to the left of […]

  10. […] Founded on a lifelong loving marriage […]

  11. CoTxGrl83 Avatar

    I think this article is spot on and very well said. There can only be one leader. It HAS to be that way or there will inevitably come a time when there is a disagreement and no agreement can be made, and the couple is unable to move on. Good leaders always include their subordinates opinions and ideas in their decisions, but ultimately make the decision that is for their good or the good of the whole family.

    Although I can sometimes be disappointed in my husbands final decisions, this is (for wives) the time we must pray for the Lord to help you support the man you chose as the leader of your home and family. I promise being a woman/wife who does this is not weak or stepped on, in fact doing this takes so much more strength from within me than arguing, and since my husband and i started practicing this type of relationship and lifestyle he has actually listened and put my ideas and wished into his equation SO much more. I believe He does this because he isn’t afraid of losing control, he knows he can take my ideas and feelings and really listen and do them because he wants to and values me. He knows he doesn’t have to so he doesn’t feel pressured and then resentful. He either thinks it’s right or doesn’t and doesn’t have to go through any drama either way.

    In our family we, my husband absolutely uses many different methods of discipline and consequences to keep the peace and things running the way he sees fit. One of my worst issues (much better now) was taking time much time on my phone. Texting friends mostly. I struggled to put my phone down and give my family the focus they deserved. So he put an amount of time I could Use certain apps and text on my phone with a password. So after 3.5 hours I am Only able to call, use maps, and a few other apps but nothing else. He also will tell me to please hand him my phone and he holds it for me. This is my least favorite consequence I believe, but like every other consequence and every other punishment, and my commitment to wanting to improve myself as a person, wife, Mom, woman etc… they literally always do. I’m talking 200 percent of the time. If we agree I need To
    Work on a certain behavior, yes I agree Too. I mean I absolutely know what needs to be improved with me as well. I backslide and am never perfect but so many things I used To want to change about myself that I wasn’t Quite able to do, I am successful with the encouragement of my husband.

    He is never punished, but that only works because he is a man who knows he makes mistakes and he is always the first to take full responsibility, to acknowledge to our family, and even apologize and he works hard to improve the things he knows he needs to improve. He does not act like he knows it all etc.. he is a humble man who who always looks to Jesus for forgiveness and guide Cr. He learns from his mistakes and has all the self control, I don’t Have 🙂 that is why I feel Safe and loved when he is there to not allow me to do things he knows I know Are not what I want for myself. He is there to redirect me and if needed Remind me with a punishment that will help me Stop and think the next time. Those punishments are taken over by my own free will. Sometimes, personally I need intervention a few times. My self discipline just isn’t enough, but my husbands discipline is more than enough to help me curb my behavior in a hard moment. I think Human nature is to fall back into nannies or do what we know even if it isn’t what we know is the best or right thing to do. In those difficult times I tend to need to be sometimes afraid, that is the only thing that stops me in my tracks. I used raise my voice when I got Stressed or afraid. I would Raise my voice and be mean and ugly especially when I was afraid. I hared This about myself and I always Felt horrible after. Well, once my husband and I began cdd you had better believe I do not fall back on old behaviors because my husbands punishments reach my brain and heart even in those times of fear when I used To Respond gutturally. I am Now able to stop myself, talk to myself and say you need to take a deep breath instead of yelling use your words to tell him you feel afraid or scared and you would be grateful for him to help you. I can Stop and think like that because 5 times ago, if I yelled I got Punished, hard. It hurt, it was not something i wanted again. Second time, still fell back on my old ways, even though the thought flashed through my head, but I wasn’t able to stop myself, and punished, harder. The third timeX I was Able to pause, I didn’t Just yell without knowing it, I actually Was able to give it pause! Still not able to not raise my voice some (even though it was better), punishment prob the hardest and finally I am Like i can not let this happen again no matter what!!! The next time I’m in a stressful situation, I pause!! I think!! The pain of the punishments come flossing into my thoughts, I am
    Able to take a deep breath, And then instead of yelling, I say “honey I’m super stressed or worried could you help me please?

    My husband is RIGHT THERE (always was) to help me, to comfort me, love me, and get me through whatever is going on!!

    So sometimes the fear of a spanking and the feeling of disappointment in my husbands eyes and voice is the MOST safe and comforting thing in the world. I am Safe from feeling and being out of control! I am Safe from my husband being angry at me and tuning me out or pushing me away, or disengaging because he doesn’t know how to help or handle Me. In fact he has never been more engaged and more committed to helping me through anything! To being 200 percent by my side! He used to feel so out of control he would absolutely disconnect from me I’m and I would feel so alone and hurt because even though I was Yelling, I needed him more than ever!!!

    So many woman I believe Act of when they need their husbands the most. Or push them away. Their husbands give them space because they think that’s what she needs or wants… leaving her more alone than ever. If a man can recognize this, stay strong and measured with her behavior, he can lead her and guide her and help her through and I promise that cycle will break! He will have control over his wife during a time he used to hate and run from. He will feel empowered because he will finally be able to DO something. He will be able to
    End that by doing something not disconnecting and waiting. She will never be alone again in a time if need. She will feel safe by the boundaries he has up. Boundaries that do not waver. Even if she pushes them, maybe even fights them, she will realize they are not going anywhere and neither is he.

    Sometimes we fight and try to push away, but at least me, that’s when I am
    Crying out for my husband to come in and
    Take immediate and swift control. I will Quickly be broken from the prison if my thoughts and my obsession on whatever it is. Now all I care About is my punishment to end. I beg and plead and truly break. My heart softens as I finally submit fully to my husband. He somehow knows when that happens, he will remind me he loves me and he is doing whatever it takes to break me out of my negative and angry thought prison!!!! He ALWAYS loves me and reminds me how amazing I am. How strong I am And how TOGETHER we will work towards the day I can Stop myself and break myself free!!!!

    1. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your thoughts, CoTxGrl. It’s interesting to get more insight on how women benefit from the structure as well. I’m glad you liked the article.

    2. I love this quote: “Since my husband and I started practicing this type of relationship and lifestyle he has actually listened and put my ideas and wished into his equation SO much more. I believe He does this because he isn’t afraid of losing control, he knows he can take my ideas and feelings and really listen and do them because he wants to and values me. He knows he doesn’t have to so he doesn’t feel pressured and then resentful. He either thinks it’s right or doesn’t and doesn’t have to go through any drama either way.”

      I have seen this in my own marriage, even though we just started CDD. I HATED when my husband withdrew out of fear that he would lose control. HATED it. Now he doesn’t have to. He knows he is truly in control and if *I* get out of control, there are consequences. I have always wanted him to be the leader of our home and CDD just gives firm boundaries to allow it to happen. Thank you for your comment!

  12. Anonymous Avatar

    If anyone knows safe apps that can be used to control phone time use without compromising ability to answer important calls, will you please identify.

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