It seems for both those who are interested in spanking and those who are disinterested in it, there are common misunderstandings about what spanking in a relationship is really about. These misunderstandings can lead one to greatly misuse spanking, or to wrongly dismiss it as a pointless practice. I want to clear some of that confusion up, and show the reader spanking in its proper place. That is spanking as a tool within the awesome union of marriage.
One of the biggest misunderstandings is that there is such a thing as a spanking relationship. I don’t believe such a thing exists, or if it does, that it is really worth having. Rather, spanking is one of various tools of discipline in a REAL relationship. The relationship is one of lifelong love in marriage. It is one in which the man cares for, protects, leads, and provides for his wife, and in which his wife helps, loves, and submits to her husband. It is so deep a unity, and so deep a love, the man and woman are called one flesh. It is within that full context of a loving, lifelong relationship that spanking functions. The loving head of the home has it as an option if his wife drifts out of good behavior. His responsibility is for her and for her good, and that includes correcting her. So a spanking functions as a means of correction that the head of the home uses to correct his wife.
Nor does having spanking in the marriage relationship mean that it is the main method of communication, or that it is always occurring. That would be absurd. In a marriage husband and wife talk, the husband cares to know his wife’s needs and wants, and is willing to hear her godly thoughts and advice also. A husband gives her gentle instruction, and gives verbal correction for many things that might go wrong. They enjoy time together. They worship together. Perhaps serve in a church together. They teach their children together. They share many beautiful intimate moments together. It is a normal, happy, productive relationship in marriage. There is nothing different about it just because it involves a physical form of discipline. It is not a spanking relationship.
Even the aspect of leadership alone is robust. A husband’s leadership for his wife includes many areas. He leads in home worship, prayer, and Bible study. He sets certain standards for the home, such as in holiness, modesty, and ethics. He naturally will have unique responsibilities for his wife, even as she has some of her own projects. He sets certain rules of the household as well, and how the children should be cared for. While his wife is not micromanaged, she still functions within his oversight, leadership, and rules. She needs to obey his commands, and stay within his rules. To sketch that a little for you, I have rules of dress for my wife, I set times the children need to be in bed, I avoid supporting certain companies because they are immoral or unjust, I let my wife know things the children need to be taught, as well as basically how we will discipline them. Like anyone who heads a body, or like Christ who heads the Church, I have commands and practices that are meant for the benefit of the people under authority. My wife has many activities she does mostly on her own, but she is always under my authority and oversight. That is for the glory of God and the good of the whole family.
Those going out looking for spanking relationships, or who see it as the basis for any relationship at all, will end up getting confused about its purpose. No relationship is built on nothing but discipline and correction. A relationship is built on love, while discipline and correction simply function when authority needs to be enforced, and behavior corrected. Having good rules in the household, ones which will be enforced whether by corporal punishment or by other means, is one way the head of the home fulfills his job to lead and protect. Rules are good for the entire household, including his wife. The head of the home establishes the rules, within the context of godly commands and principles, and he enforces the rules when necessary. This is no different than in any other authority structure, except in the minor details. The principles of headship, rules, and correction are basically the same.
Viewing it by comparison will help you see the picture. Think about other authorities which perform many functions, but which also have a correction system. Parents practice correction when their children misbehave. Businesses of all kinds and sizes have a correction system, even if it just means firing. The government has a massive correction system, and will send men in uniform to put you in chains and throw you in a cage. Teachers, while under the authority of the school head, have a correction system in the classroom. Using discipline then is little more than on of various methods the loving head uses to conform those under him to the right standards. It is one organ in a much broader and deeper relationship. So too, spanking in marriage is one method of correction in a deep and multi-faceted union between husband and wife.
What correction does within a godly, healthy marriage, is enforce authority and enforce rules when they are being disrespected. Every authority in the world has a system of discipline and so should any husband. If he did not, his headship would be mere titular headship, and not amount to any real authority. He could be completely brushed off any time, and many husbands are. His commands could be ignored with no consequences. Yet it is not a mere title to be the Head of Home. It is not mere words you can write on your office plaque. Head of the home is an authority position. The husband can certainly back up that authority if his wife disrespects it, and spanking is just one of several methods he can use.
Some husbands do have an active discipline system, but do not use spanking. They may withhold privileges instead, or have their wife do a task as punishment. Some may ground them, have them write lines or give them other non-physical discipline. Spanking functions as a similar tool, one the husband uses to correct his wife, and warn her of future bad behavior. It happens to be a punishment which is usually more feared than standing in the corner or writing lines, as well as a punishment which is much more humbling than the others. I would add that many husbands who use it also find it is more effective than other kinds of correction. It helps correct the wife’s behavior, and also works strongly on her attitude, bringing her heart to a more submissive place. It also can bring a change in her behavior immediately, and make verbal warnings much more effective later. A spanked wife knows that a warning comes with something to back it up. Having used spanking myself, and tried other methods too, I strongly agree that it is the superior form of discipline. Sometimes you need to take her off the pedestal, and light a fire under her.
While spanking is not for everyone, it is good for many marriage relationships, and could help many more marriages than currently use it. Its benefits are easy to achieve. One key to view spanking honestly, and decide if it is best for you, is to recognize its place within the full context of marriage. It is one tool of correction in a marriage which contains many elements, and is built on love, unity, sacrifice, leadership, and submission. You couldn’t take the foundation stones a way, and be left with a spanking relationship. You would be left with very little. It would have no purpose left. I hope that you understand it better now.
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