Signs You Are Not Doing Discipline Right

I do my best here to give you a picture of what marital discipline looks like, providing you some of the essentials of the practice, as well as a perspective and advice on the non-essentials. In this piece I’d like to examine some problems that come up, that often reflect that you are doing things wrong. I don’t think every one of them proves you must be doing discipline wrong, but some certainly do, or at least are signs of a problem arising. Like everyone, we learn and grow in our practice, and we make mistakes. I hope these points can help you adjust if you are drifting into some of these problems:

Sign 1: She never knows if she’s going to break a rule.
If your wife is always wondering whether what she did is against the established rules, or whether it will earn her a punishment, there is a problem. A wife should know clearly what the standards are, and what kind of behavior typically earns a spanking. Not that there aren’t judgment calls which you just have to decide on yourself, because there are, but generally speaking she should not be wondering about whether she will be punished. If she is, this could be because you have made too many rules, and she cannot keep track of them all, or because you have been unclear or lax in enforcement. Inconsistency with spanking can by itself leave your wife in doubt about your reaction to her behavior. As I do elsewhere, I recommend keeping standards basic and common sense, such as disciplining her for direct disobedience, disrespect, or not fulfilling important responsibilities. You can add on to that list if necessary. Most spankings should really not be a surprise to her. Be as clear as possible in letter her know the standards you expect, give warnings if that helps her to see where the line is, and discipline consistently for bad behavior. If she is confused about what you expect, this makes for poor discipline, and is of little help to her.

Sign 2: She has been disciplined for years and still gets punished frequently

I have heard from couples who go through this, and it usually is a sign that something is wrong. Punishment does not have to be frequent to begin with, and over time its frequency should go down. Since its main purpose is in punishment and training in better behavior, it does not look like a success if there is no lessening in how often she gets spanked. There cold be more than one cause for this kind of result, one being that the man simply is putting standards up very high, or making abundant rules, leaving the wife with an almost impossible task if she wants to avoid punishment. This is too much. Another reason is a wife who finds excitement in being spanked, and at least some of the time is intentionally testing the limits, or causing trouble. From couples I’ve talked to, there are more than a few like this. I don’t rule out other reasons as well. I can only recommend that you make sure that your form of discipline is reasonable, that your wife understands it, and is knows how to avoid being punished. You both also need to be living out your roles as leader of the home, and helper, outside of the discipline system, putting that interaction into play throughout your marriage and all your activities. Be committed to you role, and to the other. God has placed you there for their benefit.

Sign 3: You try to set new records of bodily damage or pain.
Marital spanking is no a dungeon. Nor is it meant to imitate much of what occurs in the S/M scene. The purpose is to enforce discipline, better behavior, and help establish leadership and submissive roles. Using methods that risk serious injury, or which will cause injury, is well beyond that goal, and beyond discipline within marriage. Nor is upping the pain level as high as possible a natural part of discipline. Discipline should be unpleasant and no one should want it, but there is no goal of setting world records of pain. The goal is to punish the infraction, remind her about her behavior in the future, and bring her back to a better attitude. You hear about some women who take pride in upping their pain threshold, as if it were about pain and not punishment. If anything, this kind of practice is more of a control thing on the part of the person doing it, and can detract from the right mentality and result of a spanking. I would drop any high sense of importance placed on harming the body or pain. A spanking needs to be an undesired punishment and to be humbling. That is all.

Sign 4: There are long lists of rules.
While I realize different husbands run the home in different ways, and we all set standards differently, I warn against developing long lists of rules for your wife to follow. Perhaps if you are new to marital spanking, the first thing you think of is that to have spanking, you’re going to need rules to break Sure, that is true. But it kind of gets things in the wrong order. Rules develop simply from the right relationship within marriage — husband as head and wife submissive to him — as well as basic human welfare — not harming yourself or others. Rules are simply for the good of marriage and of people. Rules give us very good things we need to do, or prohibit harmful things we should not. Usually the ones which earn a spanking — and not all rules need to do that — are the more serious ones, such as responsibilities your wife must take care of, or any disrespect toward her husband.

Realize as a man that you are leading the home — not merely giving spankings. Do the things that it takes to lead the home, and to lead your wife as a woman. Then you will see how rules and discipline fits in. If you end up with long lists of rules, it can in fact be very harmful: number one, it can set a standard your wife can never meet. It can result in too frequent punishments. It can create an imbalance between external motivation and internal motivation, with the former becoming too important. It can heavily weight the marital relationship towards criticism and correction, when really that should represent a small minority of interactions. Spanking is simply one tool within the broad panorama of marriage, so by nature it should not take up too much space. For this reason rules should not be too many.

Sign 5: She doesn’t cry during discipline.
While some women claim they hardly ever cry during a spanking, most will. Between having to admit to being wrong, being scolded by a loved one, and having to endure the pain of a spanking, crying is frequent. Some women cry every time they are spanked. If she does not, it could be a sign of certain problems. First, it could indicate you are not spanking long enough or hard enough. A spanking should hurt, and it often takes time for the message to sink in, both of your words and of the paddle. Many women testify to feeling unsatisfied by the short or light spanking their husbands give. To feel punished, to feel cleansed, and to be made submissive by their man, they need a solid, long, hard, spanking from him. Second, it could indicate you are not speaking to her firmly enough in disciplining her. Words of correction need to be firm also. They need to be stern when necessary. You are correcting her verbally during the discipline session, and this is one way to reach her soul. Your words need to make her see her wrong, and why it is wrong. They should establish her behavior or her attitude were unacceptable. They need to remind her of her submissive position before you. She should need to admit these things to you during your session, admit it was wrong, and commit herself to not doing it again.

How you handle speaking with her will help her achieve the necessary regret for her actions. It will also help her come to tears, often bringing them before you even start with the spanking. Ultimately, there are a few women who have trouble crying, and there are likely other reasons for that. The spanking can still accomplish its goal if it makes for an undesirable punishment and produces goof results. Crying is only one sign of a good spanking.

Sign 6: You rarely have sex without spanking involved:
For some couples, their discipline gets so heavily blended with sex and eroticism, that they become dependent on the practice and procedures of discipline to even have sex. They bring their spanking procedure to the marriage bed. This is more common for the man, but it works both ways. There may be a connection to eroticism in spanking, but the marriage bed is rooted in real intimacy of souls and our desire for the other. It is rooted in normal excitement of making love, and enjoying our partner’s body.

If this gets replaced by a need for discipline or pain, something big in marriage is being lost, not added to. It may be normal for a man to show force in bed, or dish out the occasional smack on the butt, but he must not become dependent on discipline for sex to occur. If you see this beginning to happen, one of the first things you need to do is create a much clearer separation between discipline and sex. You also need to spend time rooting your intimacy in personal time together, and intimate desire. Let it be talking, touching, fondling, and speaking sweet words to your lover. Find joy and desire in that. Hold one another close and express your deep love. Discipline, however physically exciting, is no replacement for real sex between a man and his wife.

Sign 7: External motivation has taken over from internal:
In any relationship that includes discipline — not just spanking in marriage — the discipline is not meant to be the only, or even main motivator. Any authority wants the subjects under him to really desire to do their job, and to really want to help their chief. They want people willingly submitted to their authority who love to serve them, who use their minds, bodies, energy and imagination to serve them and do good. Discipline systems are there to aid this, to aid in diminishing bad attitudes, and to punish wrongdoing. They provide a certain external stimulant which really gets some butts moving.

However, if you find in marriage that the external stimulant — the rules or the pain of a punishment — are what heavily guides you, then you’re probably treating discipline as too important or too comprehensive. A godly wife should desire to serve her husband. She should know it is part of her role, and her faith, to be meek toward him, be gentle, and submit. She should find pleasure in her relationship with her man, and be thinking of ways she can help him. Having rules is merely an aid to keep her on the path when she needs it.

Because if instead she finds she is checking with the rules to know what she must do, or avoiding bad behavior mainly for fear of punishment, there is already a problem. Make sure your marriage is fully built on love and that both of you are committed to living the roles that God gave you. The wife should desire to love and please her husband. The external motivation you give her is only for those problem points, for when attitude or behavior needs the help. We don’t need marriages built on mere rules.

Sign 8: A Great Deal of Your Communication to Her is Critical:
This problem like others occurs when discipline is relied upon too much. Our main communication should neither be critical nor corrective. Our main communication to our wives is to express love, communicate praise, honor her as the weaker vessel, wash her in the word of God through teaching the Bible, and share our thoughts, concerns and ideas with her. Critical communication and correction should amount to a small part of any relationship, including marriage.

Granted, at times when a problem arises, it may become more frequent, but it’s not the normal mode of speech. A wife should have no doubt from day to day that she is honored, loved, and valued very highly. She should be praised as a child of God and as a virtuous woman. Critical communication, when it comes, is for the purpose of helping her. If her attitude or behavior truly call for it, the harsher form of a verbal correction, or a verbal correction during a spanking, will be quite humbling. It will shine the light on her wrong, express disappointment, let her know how bad her behavior has been and what the bad results are. It also clearly and forcefully calls her to change.

That is hard stuff. She sometimes needs to hear it. Yet one of the reasons it can be so effective is that it comes from her man whom she trusts, who is regularly treating her with warmth, protection and love. For that man to speak to her sternly can be powerful and cause tears, even without a spanking. The man who corrects a wife should be the same man who loves her daily. A wife who in contrast is rarely shown praise, affection, warmth, and honor ends up with a narrow, and unsatisfying relationship. All appearances are she can never please him. Moreover, when a punishment comes, it seems to be just more of the same. Little would stand out in a spanking except for the physical pain.

Marriage is rooted in a true union of bodies and souls. it is modeled after the union of Christ and His chosen people. It is rich, deep, and full of warmth every day. Man and wife truly desire each other. Let correction and critical speech merely be for its unique purpose. It should not have any role in defining a marriage.


9 responses to “Signs You Are Not Doing Discipline Right”

  1. Sergeant Avatar

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now but have refrained myself from commenting, however upon finding things unread post I felt like I had to.

    Firstly I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience and it makes me very glad to know there are still men willing to live a life of strength instead of the progressive weakness and disruption of today’s world.

    Recently, I have brought up this type of discipline to my wife who is a rebel in her core and worse, is career oriented. It was a risk to take but I couldn’t let this keep going on any longer or else she would be the one taking control and I’d rather not have this at all. To my full on surprise she accepted it, although she is very reluctant when she has to face a punishment, it’s a challenge to get her in place, even for the non-physical ones.

    Here what I’d like to address is the fact that she doesn’t cry, my wife is a strong woman I know but still that bothers me, at first I didn’t think it was problem, but looking back I had never seen her cry once in the six years we’ve been together, three of them married, the spankings don’t make her cry either, not a single tear.

    I wasn’t concerned by this until a month ago, when she happened to commit several infractions at once and severe ones. I was furious (she could’ve gotten herself killed) I took time to calm down and decided to punish her with both my hands and my leather belt, she leapt off of my lap a few times, was reluctant and stubborn, but when the belt finally stroke she cried, once we were done she did everything to hide her tears from me, it was even difficult to administer aftercare, because she didn’t want me to see her tears and the more gentle and loving I was to her the worse it got, that night she cried herself to sleep on my chest after some time. The next day she went silent about it and to this day she has been shut about it and haven’t cried again since despite my reassurances that it’s okay for her to shed tears and cry regardless of punishments but for whatever reason she feels compelled to.

    Now reading that mention of crying you did gets me into doubt, because I do find the punishments I apply to her, especially the spankings, to be very effective, however aside from that episode she never cries.

    1. Hello Sergeant, I am very honored you enjoy reading my website. I hope it continues to be helpful to you. Congratulations on starting discipline in your home, and to your wife as well, for being humble enough to accept submission, and to learn from chastisement. I believe it will be a big help to your home.

      I would certainly wonder the same things as you if my wife hardly ever cried. Women tend to cry more, and it is natural to cry during a spanking, from the emotional cleansing, the shame, and the pain. It is also a sign to me as the husband that my discipline is getting through. Overall, I believe tears during a punishment, as during stressful moments, help a woman deeply.

      However, there are a few women who very rarely cry. That might be their personality makeup, or it may be that — and you mention that she has a career — the pressures of a job and the self-control it requires train the exterior to be a bit cold or at least properly formal. That doesn’t mean you do not ever get through to her soul — which you want — but it doesn’t show with tears, or it may take more work.

      If I were in your situation, I would want to make sure I got through to her deeply when I corrected her. That could mean making sure my lectures themselves put her in the right place to understand her wrong, and how bad it is. That could also mean I give a harder and longer spanking, during which she also receives clear verbal correction. It could be that you are already doing those things, I just stress that you make sure you are thorough in them.

      I also think some waiting time before discipline can give a woman time to recognize her situation, and her wrong. Many husbands will give their wives corner time before or after a spanking or both. The time to contemplate the session she’s had or is going to have is valuable. So is the shame of standing in the corner bare. It can start to get her heart and mind in the right place.

      Also, as I suggest in my recent article on women working outside the home, it can be an obstacle to submission on multiple levels for women to be in a career. It can make her a harder personality and encourage her independence from her husband. It doesn’t make it impossible for a woman to submit, but it makes it more difficult, and often leans her the other way. So I do not recommend permitting your wife to have a career, although I realize most of this culture does.

      One of the things that helps her to cry is having real remorse. You may have read it already, but I have the article Experiencing Real Remorse that might help. A wife needs to think on what she has done and understand it’s wrong. Much of that is internal to her, and not from you, so I think sharing it with her could give her a place to start.

      If you are new to this kind of marriage, and she is new to being submissive and being disciplined, she may simply be struggling with letting go of her pride. She may be trying to retain self control and a sense of being in charge by not crying. It may be a choice on her part, though I do not know. As she grows in submission to you, and fully accepts your headship, and her role as your helper, and trusts in you, she may find it’s easier to cry. She may be less ashamed to let her guard down in that way. When this happens, I believe spanking becomes more productive. Her weeping is in part a way of showing you she accepts her wrong and is sorry for it. It will be a great release for her, but she needs to let go of some pride. She is not the one in control.

      Finally, remember the biggest determiner of how discipline is working is simply her overall attitude and behavior. Crying is not the biggest factor. If she is learning to submit to you gently, and learning to accept correction, then you are having success with spanking her. Look most for her softness and obedience to you as she grows in submission. Then I believe crying will come.

      I hope that offers you some help. Feel free to e-mail me at my contact here if you want to have a private talk about it. Thank you.


    2. As a wife who does not cry (or at least works very hard not to) in front of her husband, I may have some insight that could help. Let me explain. In my childhood home, tears were considered manipulative. Crying at any point meant that you either were (1) whining, (2) having a “pity party”, (3) trying to get attention. It would definitely earn you more punishment. Most of the time the extra punishment would be total ignoring after getting a paddling, but the ignoring would be worse if you cried, because clearly if you were crying you wanted sympathy and attention — neither of which you were going to get. If you continued to cry, you would be sent somewhere to calm yourself down where you wouldn’t bother others. If you didn’t go away when told, you got another spanking.

      It is my theory, because it’s what worked for me, that I would swallow down those tears fast if I knew what was good for me. And believe me, I wanted to cry. I had a big lump in my throat from swallowing down tears and often had stomachaches. Finally I achieved the ability to not make a peep to anybody. I learned to present a solid, proper face

      I don’t know about your wife of course, but does she like to be alone a lot? I do. As soon as I can start lumps coming into my throat, I usually withraw because that’s how I handle things. I needed to be alone a lot as a teen. Partly because I was used to being alone, and partly because when I was alone I could cry and my stomach would finally feel better — albeit exhausted because I had so many tears to shed.

      After I read a biography of Anne Morrow Lindbergh, I felt much better knowing that Charles Lindbergh had a similar rule for her. She was not allowed to cry in front of him, their children, or in public. If she needed to cry, she had to retire to her own room and do it there. He made one exception only — when their baby was found dead, he permitted her to weep freely into his arms. Therefore I find I am in good company, with a wife of a famous aviator who is also an author and a deep philosopher. That gives me a sense of fellowship, even if with somebody who lived before my time.

      There is a down side. Over the years I’ve developed blood pressure problems, tachycardia, migraines, and stomachaches. All these things have been looked into, and nothing is really wrong with me, just all these crazy symptoms. The only explanation they can give me is “stress”, surely the most overused word in the English language, but probably true. I really don’t know, nor can I handle choosing to care. I did get quite a talking to from one doctor who warned me about how dangerous stress is in general.

      1. Sergeant Avatar

        Hello Lisa,

        I clearly see the points you made and they do make sense, although I have to say I disagree with letting a woman cry alone, especially if it is to hide away from her husband, this is not to say a woman should be throwing a spectacle crying all over all the time, but to me tears should not be hidden from a husband, nothing should be hidden in marriage. That said I comprehend that every marriage is different and different views follow each household, so as long as the rules are being respected the woman should be able to express her emotions as she and the husband find fit.

        Well in my wife’s case, she grew up as an orphan and never really settled in a foster home, she had been mostly a street kid up until highschool, so I understand why she has such a hard shell. She got ou of that world by herself and I met her long after those days, I know her records and most of her past but she does not talk about the time before in detail. It all surely had an impact on how she expresses her own feelings and it is okay to not cry as much life raised her this way, but not coming to me and worse trying to hide from me when her feelings are flourishing like that is not a good sign to me, besides trying to hold it all in is just plain bad, you said it yourself how many health problems you’ve developed from it.

        In the end it all comes to how we care for our wives and I do know I care for mine, even if I have to protect her from herself, tears or no tears.

  2. […] husband takes up spanking them, it will be a totalitarian affair, or that it will venture into extremes of pain. What exactly am I getting into is a natural question to ask. It is normal to have some fears. A […]

  3. auntiebeth Avatar

    This is a great article written with both common sense and insight.. Thank you! I would like to add two comments regarding lack of tears. As a child I had this with one parent and not the other when punished. The reason was pretty simple. I very much resented that parent and was very angry with them. I would not give them the satisfaction of seeing my tears although I might cry a long time when alone. As an adult, I realize most of those punishments were not deserved and the result of her own personal problems while my brother and I became punching bags but have been able to forgive even though I doubt she has ever had any self awareness of this. In a marital DD relationship, I would just say that most of the time you should be able to understand and accept what you did that was wrong before your spouse proceeds with punishment which means communication is very important even if you don’t ALWAYS see eye to eye. It would be very natural for resentment and anger to develop if you felt most of the discipline meted out was unfair especially if you couldn’t express your reasons or opinions (even respectfully) without garnering further punishment. Inability to be transparent with your emotions including tears would not be surprising then. Another reason is repetitive or severe emotional trauma and grief in their lifetime especially if forced to hide it’s effects. As an adult I went gradually from someone who cried fairly easily to someone who rarely did because of living through a great deal of heartbreaking circumstances and being a single (divorced) mother who didn’t want her children to know of her sadness as well as working for years as a nurse with cancer patients and often seeing the slow or difficult deaths of patients I had cared for and not being able to cry at work and in front of the families. I am no longer raising children alone and life has been much better and I stopped my work with cancer patients some years ago but I have still not returned to the way I used to be able to release tears though it is easier at times. At other times my voice will crack and I will have to fight tears seemingly out of nowhere. Being unable to cry a lot of times in response to sadness doesn’t mean I don’t feel things as intensely. In many ways I feel them much more intensely because of all that has happened to me and all I have seen but I often cannot allow myself to express that. I would suggest you might just find a time to talk openly and without judgement to your wife and see what she thinks the reasons are which may be especially true if it could be fixable as with hidden resentment/anger.


  4. […] or even severe pain to his wife. It would be wrong to be so interested in spanking he would nearly leap at any excuse to correct her that way. However, a man can rightly find satisfaction in giving a spanking. […]

  5. […] leads her to develop any number of poor reasons why she shouldn’t get one. A husband’s misuse of discipline can also contribute to her challenge, if he has been unloving, or has been overusing rules and […]

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