I do my best here to give you a picture of what marital discipline looks like, providing you some of the essentials of the practice, as well as a perspective and advice on the non-essentials. In this piece I’d like to examine some problems that come up, that often reflect that you are doing things wrong. I don’t think every one of them proves you must be doing discipline wrong, but some certainly do, or at least are signs of a problem arising. Like everyone, we learn and grow in our practice, and we make mistakes. I hope these points can help you adjust if you are drifting into some of these problems:
Sign 1: She never knows if she’s going to break a rule.
If your wife is always wondering whether what she did is against the established rules, or whether it will earn her a punishment, there is a problem. A wife should know clearly what the standards are, and what kind of behavior typically earns a spanking. Not that there aren’t judgment calls which you just have to decide on yourself, because there are, but generally speaking she should not be wondering about whether she will be punished. If she is, this could be because you have made too many rules, and she cannot keep track of them all, or because you have been unclear or lax in enforcement. Inconsistency with spanking can by itself leave your wife in doubt about your reaction to her behavior. As I do elsewhere, I recommend keeping standards basic and common sense, such as disciplining her for direct disobedience, disrespect, or not fulfilling important responsibilities. You can add on to that list if necessary. Most spankings should really not be a surprise to her. Be as clear as possible in letter her know the standards you expect, give warnings if that helps her to see where the line is, and discipline consistently for bad behavior. If she is confused about what you expect, this makes for poor discipline, and is of little help to her.
Sign 2: She has been disciplined for years and still gets punished frequently
I have heard from couples who go through this, and it usually is a sign that something is wrong. Punishment does not have to be frequent to begin with, and over time its frequency should go down. Since its main purpose is in punishment and training in better behavior, it does not look like a success if there is no lessening in how often she gets spanked. There cold be more than one cause for this kind of result, one being that the man simply is putting standards up very high, or making abundant rules, leaving the wife with an almost impossible task if she wants to avoid punishment. This is too much. Another reason is a wife who finds excitement in being spanked, and at least some of the time is intentionally testing the limits, or causing trouble. From couples I’ve talked to, there are more than a few like this. I don’t rule out other reasons as well. I can only recommend that you make sure that your form of discipline is reasonable, that your wife understands it, and is knows how to avoid being punished. You both also need to be living out your roles as leader of the home, and helper, outside of the discipline system, putting that interaction into play throughout your marriage and all your activities. Be committed to you role, and to the other. God has placed you there for their benefit.
Sign 3: You try to set new records of bodily damage or pain.
Marital spanking is no a dungeon. Nor is it meant to imitate much of what occurs in the S/M scene. The purpose is to enforce discipline, better behavior, and help establish leadership and submissive roles. Using methods that risk serious injury, or which will cause injury, is well beyond that goal, and beyond discipline within marriage. Nor is upping the pain level as high as possible a natural part of discipline. Discipline should be unpleasant and no one should want it, but there is no goal of setting world records of pain. The goal is to punish the infraction, remind her about her behavior in the future, and bring her back to a better attitude. You hear about some women who take pride in upping their pain threshold, as if it were about pain and not punishment. If anything, this kind of practice is more of a control thing on the part of the person doing it, and can detract from the right mentality and result of a spanking. I would drop any high sense of importance placed on harming the body or pain. A spanking needs to be an undesired punishment and to be humbling. That is all.
Sign 4: There are long lists of rules.
While I realize different husbands run the home in different ways, and we all set standards differently, I warn against developing long lists of rules for your wife to follow. Perhaps if you are new to marital spanking, the first thing you think of is that to have spanking, you’re going to need rules to break Sure, that is true. But it kind of gets things in the wrong order. Rules develop simply from the right relationship within marriage — husband as head and wife submissive to him — as well as basic human welfare — not harming yourself or others. Rules are simply for the good of marriage and of people. Rules give us very good things we need to do, or prohibit harmful things we should not. Usually the ones which earn a spanking — and not all rules need to do that — are the more serious ones, such as responsibilities your wife must take care of, or any disrespect toward her husband.
Realize as a man that you are leading the home — not merely giving spankings. Do the things that it takes to lead the home, and to lead your wife as a woman. Then you will see how rules and discipline fits in. If you end up with long lists of rules, it can in fact be very harmful: number one, it can set a standard your wife can never meet. It can result in too frequent punishments. It can create an imbalance between external motivation and internal motivation, with the former becoming too important. It can heavily weight the marital relationship towards criticism and correction, when really that should represent a small minority of interactions. Spanking is simply one tool within the broad panorama of marriage, so by nature it should not take up too much space. For this reason rules should not be too many.
Sign 5: She doesn’t cry during discipline.
While some women claim they hardly ever cry during a spanking, most will. Between having to admit to being wrong, being scolded by a loved one, and having to endure the pain of a spanking, crying is frequent. Some women cry every time they are spanked. If she does not, it could be a sign of certain problems. First, it could indicate you are not spanking long enough or hard enough. A spanking should hurt, and it often takes time for the message to sink in, both of your words and of the paddle. Many women testify to feeling unsatisfied by the short or light spanking their husbands give. To feel punished, to feel cleansed, and to be made submissive by their man, they need a solid, long, hard, spanking from him. Second, it could indicate you are not speaking to her firmly enough in disciplining her. Words of correction need to be firm also. They need to be stern when necessary. You are correcting her verbally during the discipline session, and this is one way to reach her soul. Your words need to make her see her wrong, and why it is wrong. They should establish her behavior or her attitude were unacceptable. They need to remind her of her submissive position before you. She should need to admit these things to you during your session, admit it was wrong, and commit herself to not doing it again.
How you handle speaking with her will help her achieve the necessary regret for her actions. It will also help her come to tears, often bringing them before you even start with the spanking. Ultimately, there are a few women who have trouble crying, and there are likely other reasons for that. The spanking can still accomplish its goal if it makes for an undesirable punishment and produces goof results. Crying is only one sign of a good spanking.
Sign 6: You rarely have sex without spanking involved:
For some couples, their discipline gets so heavily blended with sex and eroticism, that they become dependent on the practice and procedures of discipline to even have sex. They bring their spanking procedure to the marriage bed. This is more common for the man, but it works both ways. There may be a connection to eroticism in spanking, but the marriage bed is rooted in real intimacy of souls and our desire for the other. It is rooted in normal excitement of making love, and enjoying our partner’s body.
If this gets replaced by a need for discipline or pain, something big in marriage is being lost, not added to. It may be normal for a man to show force in bed, or dish out the occasional smack on the butt, but he must not become dependent on discipline for sex to occur. If you see this beginning to happen, one of the first things you need to do is create a much clearer separation between discipline and sex. You also need to spend time rooting your intimacy in personal time together, and intimate desire. Let it be talking, touching, fondling, and speaking sweet words to your lover. Find joy and desire in that. Hold one another close and express your deep love. Discipline, however physically exciting, is no replacement for real sex between a man and his wife.
Sign 7: External motivation has taken over from internal:
In any relationship that includes discipline — not just spanking in marriage — the discipline is not meant to be the only, or even main motivator. Any authority wants the subjects under him to really desire to do their job, and to really want to help their chief. They want people willingly submitted to their authority who love to serve them, who use their minds, bodies, energy and imagination to serve them and do good. Discipline systems are there to aid this, to aid in diminishing bad attitudes, and to punish wrongdoing. They provide a certain external stimulant which really gets some butts moving.
However, if you find in marriage that the external stimulant — the rules or the pain of a punishment — are what heavily guides you, then you’re probably treating discipline as too important or too comprehensive. A godly wife should desire to serve her husband. She should know it is part of her role, and her faith, to be meek toward him, be gentle, and submit. She should find pleasure in her relationship with her man, and be thinking of ways she can help him. Having rules is merely an aid to keep her on the path when she needs it.
Because if instead she finds she is checking with the rules to know what she must do, or avoiding bad behavior mainly for fear of punishment, there is already a problem. Make sure your marriage is fully built on love and that both of you are committed to living the roles that God gave you. The wife should desire to love and please her husband. The external motivation you give her is only for those problem points, for when attitude or behavior needs the help. We don’t need marriages built on mere rules.
Sign 8: A Great Deal of Your Communication to Her is Critical:
This problem like others occurs when discipline is relied upon too much. Our main communication should neither be critical nor corrective. Our main communication to our wives is to express love, communicate praise, honor her as the weaker vessel, wash her in the word of God through teaching the Bible, and share our thoughts, concerns and ideas with her. Critical communication and correction should amount to a small part of any relationship, including marriage.
Granted, at times when a problem arises, it may become more frequent, but it’s not the normal mode of speech. A wife should have no doubt from day to day that she is honored, loved, and valued very highly. She should be praised as a child of God and as a virtuous woman. Critical communication, when it comes, is for the purpose of helping her. If her attitude or behavior truly call for it, the harsher form of a verbal correction, or a verbal correction during a spanking, will be quite humbling. It will shine the light on her wrong, express disappointment, let her know how bad her behavior has been and what the bad results are. It also clearly and forcefully calls her to change.
That is hard stuff. She sometimes needs to hear it. Yet one of the reasons it can be so effective is that it comes from her man whom she trusts, who is regularly treating her with warmth, protection and love. For that man to speak to her sternly can be powerful and cause tears, even without a spanking. The man who corrects a wife should be the same man who loves her daily. A wife who in contrast is rarely shown praise, affection, warmth, and honor ends up with a narrow, and unsatisfying relationship. All appearances are she can never please him. Moreover, when a punishment comes, it seems to be just more of the same. Little would stand out in a spanking except for the physical pain.
Marriage is rooted in a true union of bodies and souls. it is modeled after the union of Christ and His chosen people. It is rich, deep, and full of warmth every day. Man and wife truly desire each other. Let correction and critical speech merely be for its unique purpose. It should not have any role in defining a marriage.
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