Experiencing Real Remorse

It’s not always easy to feel truly remorseful for a wrong. Sometimes we still wish privately we had gotten away with it, or we simply want to get a punishment over and done with. There is no deep connection with our soul or deep change. Our heart is still semi-hard. Yet that is what every wrong ought to inspire in us — a sense of true remorse for having done it, and a heartfelt desire to change. When it comes to spanking, this is in part what a man’s instructions ought to help a woman with — understanding the wrong and feeling remorse, among other things. It’s also a part of the point of the preferably short wait period. Even if it is only for a few minutes in the corner, or only until the end of the day. The time awaiting spanking for her crime is a good time for a woman to nurture her heart’s feelings about her wrong, and seek to come to real remorse.

True remorse is more precious than gold. It rings through the soul like a bell, or across the sky like lightening. It has power to affect us deeply, and inspire better in our lives. It is easy to fall back on watered down remorse, or false remorse entirely. We should be able to see the difference between the two if a woman is to sincerely seek the true kind, and desire to grow from it.

Just as Paul teaches in 2 Corinthians 7, there is a godly sorrow that leads to repentance, and a kind of sorrow which does not; we are seeking the kind that leads to repentance. Shallow remorse — which certainly will apologize for an act and admit it was bad — has a few things that make it shallow, and less effective. Firstly, this lukewarm tea of an emotion may still be harboring a desire to do the act somewhere, and thus being restrained from remorse’s true power. We need to make sure no such desire is in us, or it will subdue our remorse. Shallow remorse for our crime is also characterized by a simple acknowledgement of the wrong, without a real sorrow for it, and hatred for the harm it can cause, or perhaps did cause already. It is intellectual only, and doesn’t reach deep into the soul. Shallow remorse is also overly focused on the “I,” and the trouble the “I” will get into. How the “I” just needs to repeat some words and get this over with. Yet the consequences for ourself and our own situation should not be in the forefront. They should really be in the back. We need to have a positive sense of the punishment we will receive, at least in knowing that we are fully responsible for being punished and that God has appointed it for our good. Shallow remorse is mostly sorry she got caught.

Real remorse, like godly sorrow for any sin, has a root in caring for the other. Real remorse is rooted in love. We think about the dishonor, harm, or danger we’ve done to another human being. We understand how much we’ve let them down. We know our real need to confess to them, and express that we are sorry for what we have done, and we never meant to hurt them. We greatly desire to make it up to them, and for them to know our love, instead of the harm we have caused. In short, godly sorrow does not merely say “protect me from evil,” but rather it says “protect OTHERS from any evil that I caused.” Godly sorrow recognizes are own weakness. Our own guilt. Our own need to be forgiven, truly, and be restored for what we’ve done. Our need to be washed clean. More than anything, it is rooted in love; the love we have of God and the love we have of the other. We don’t wish to ever let them down.

A wife should be seeking this kind of sorrow for her wrong during the waiting period. In fact, perhaps she even began when she realized what she had done, now she has time to think it through as she awaits her punishment. Godly sorrow often doe not come all at once. It takes time to bloom. It needs to blossom in the soul through the sunlight and nourishment we give it. She should spend time dwelling on her wrong. She should seek to understand her own motivations. She should be putting into words how she wishes to communicate her sorrow to her husband, and how she will be better. If they touch upon her particular wrong she needs to meditate on God’s commandments, and teachings for us, which she has stepped outside of with her transgression. All of this will help to grow the fruitful spiritual branch of real sorrow.

There are elements in the discipline session itself which should aid her in feeling and expressing her remorse. She will usually be laid bare (naked), expressing her bare soul, and her husband’s knowledge of her inner being — including that unclean spot he is dealing with, including her loving desire to be good in the future. He knows her and sees her. She will also be placed in a humbling position, over the knee like a child, or with her bottom in the air, which outside of marital sex is a lowly position. Her position acknowledges her guilt and shame. It also expresses her lowered status, needing to be punished and instructed firmly because of her act.

The pain of the spanking is there to help her in the process of developing real remorse. Not only should she understand that the pain is there to pay for the wrong she committed, but it is a short chance for her to experience the harm that her wrong causes. Whether her infraction was a simple one of negligence with her duties, or of very bold sin, like disobedience, or drunkenness, she needs to feel on her behind a sample of the real life harm those wrongs cause. Bad behavior can leave consequences that last years into the future. It can cause marital conflict, lack of trust, or harm to the children. As I say to my wife at times while I correct her, “what you have to feel now is very small compared to the consequences what you did.” She gets to feel a small piece of that pain during the spanking, and know this is what her behavior makes in the world — pain. That is what it causes others.

A woman who is desiring to nurture real remorse, will grow from each step in that process. She should actively seek growth from each step. She should nurture understanding of her wrong and its harm during her waiting period before punishment. Growth may not come in an instant, but give it time, as you fully accept your responsibility and fully accept that you did wrong. Imagine yourself expressing your sorrow to your husband deeply, even before you finally do. Recognize also that each experience during discipline is for your growth, including your knowledge of your act, and sincere desire for good in the future. It is a blessing to you despite despite that hardship. Let your husband’s words penetrate you and guide you, and let the pain of the spanking be a real lesson to you. Each stripe is for you and for your good. You want the pain to be over, but more yet, you want any harm from the wrong to be over. You want any dishonor you have given your husband to be wiped away. Let him teach you thoroughly. Then consider what words will express your deep desire to please him in the future. Your desire to be good for him is your desire to love him. It is love in action.


24 responses to “Experiencing Real Remorse”

  1. […] about the spanking itself, but by accepting your wrong, and giving up any need to defend it. Take full responsibility. You need to also see how those wrongs cause harm and how they offend your man, whom you need to […]

  2. […] She ought to be thinking about why she is there and what led to her going over his knee. Think about the behavior that led there, and not the pain. She can also consider and put into words what kind of woman she […]

  3. […] through pain and through the bright marks on her bottom. You should consider it effective if you see contrition during and after the spanking. You should see her sorry for what she has done, and see that she can […]

  4. Aron,
    Your wisdom continues to speak to me as I grow in my submission. Even when I already deeply embrace the ideas, I never fail to see them in a new light. It is a blessing for a wife to receive instruction and correction at her husband’s hand, letting the pain of a spanking solidify her remorse towards God. Remorse she may not otherwise fully express is brought to the surface by a skilled and loving instructor who does not let her get away with shallow sorrow or weak faith. Every minute of anticipation and every stripe on her bare bottom deepens a woman’s resolve to better serve her husband and God. She is made better through the pain and should open her heart to it fully.

    1. Thank you, Sophie. You share some valuable thoughts and insights from a woman’s perspective. A submissive wife can really benefit from them. Blessings.

  5. I read this whole post nodding my head, like “yes, yes, yes!” For me, my submission to my husband is how I submit to God, so before I am spanked, I always get corner time, which I spend deep in prayer. The most important thing in the world is acting in a way that will please the Lord. Corner time and my husband’s gentle rebukes are the BEST way to get me to feel a very real sense of remorse over my actions. The spanking is there to drive home the reminder for the future.

  6. Donna Marie Avatar
    Donna Marie

    Aron, thank you for the very insightful article. It made me think deeply, not just on a discipline level, but on a spiritual level. I have been thinking about true remorse vs shallow remorse in my spiritual practice lately, so your article was timely. Part of the reason i am attracted to discipline is that I have a somewhat overdeveloped conscience and punishment relieves me of my sense of guilt. Question for you. I have some issues that my fiance has never found out about, or sometimes just rebellious, disagreeable thinking patterns that bother me, and also bad habits that I have trouble with. What do you think about a wife confessing to her husband things he doesn’t know about or disagreeable thoughts. Is this appropriate? I think it would make me feel better to confess and have everything in the open. I dont like walking around with guilt. Should a husband punish his wife for things she brought to him? Would he go easier on her? Would this be not fair to him, asking him to take charge of her inner guilt?. Has this ever happened in your marriage? How did you deal with it. These are some of the questions I have. Largely whether it would be appropriate to confess to my fiance and let him deal with it as he will. Btw, confession and relieving of guilt, along with absolute honesty from a wife would make a great future post. As always, I appreciate your blog immensely and am learning in leaps and bounds as to how to be a good submissive wife. I really appreciate the posts that speak to the woman’s proper inner landscape. Thank you so much. Donnamarie

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your questions, Donna Marie. I will give it some thought and reply to you in more detail later.

      I am always glad to hear article suggestions from readers here, and in fact I DO have an article on confession coming, although it’s primarily about confession to God. In the future I’ll definitely consider something on the important elements you bring up.

      God bless.

    2. Dear Donna Marie,

      I deeply appreciate your concern to be good and to deal with guilt correctly. If only we all had such a desire to be clean and righteous within, even in our heart and our thoughts. That is very godly, and we need to learn to respond to it in the right way, and apply it to our lives correctly.

      First, in terms of feeling as if you have a clear conscience, the most important thing is to go to God first. Turn to Him for aid, forgiveness, and to thoroughly confess and rebuke sin. I am not of the belief that a mere passing bad thought is willful sin, but if one nurtures such thoughts intentionally, it certainly becomes sin.

      I do not encourage discipline for bad thoughts, or the need to confess bad thoughts to your husband. I believe the correction system, including spanking, is there for more serious and problematic behavior. Everyone makes a mistake from time to time, and no one has complete control of their passing thoughts.

      I would suggest, if you feel overburdened by bad inner yearnings, that you could simply discuss your problem with him, and ask for guidance. HE could encourage you in the right direction, and offer you some help. He can teach you from the Word of God about the importance of a pure, good, thought life, and a pure heart. I do not think a spanking is needed in such cases.

      You mention “bad habits” also. I don’t know precisely what they are. If they amount to real sins, or disobedience to your husband, of course you should confess them to him. Any bad habit of a serious nature could reasonably be the cause for a correction. If it is direct disobedience, in my home that would be a severe spanking for my wife. However, bad habits come in various forms, so it’s up to the discretion of your husband.

      I have never punished my wife for any internal wrongs, such as bad thoughts or attitudes which I do not see. If she really struggled with those burdens, she could come to me about them, and I would offer her verbal encouragement, along with biblical guidance. That’s it. However, if those bad thoughts and attitudes really began manifesting themselves in behavior, then certainly I would see them as cause for correction. I spank my wife for matters such as being negligent in her duties, being disrespectful, dishonest, disobedient, and other matters that are serious. Believe me, when she is getting spanked for bad behavior, she hears a lot from me about her heart attitude as well, since I know her behavior usually came from bad inner attitudes. So in that sense, I do address the inner heart, if it’s manifested itself.

      I am truly happy that you get a lot from the articles here. That is very much my aim in writing and posting them. I want to help you and others like you. Real remorse is very important in spiritual growth in general, and in godly womanhood in particular. Being able to express that to your husband is important in keeping peace, order, and rich love between you.

      Yet in terms of the passing small mistake it would be unreasonable, I believe, to feel burdened by guilt, or see a need for punishment. God gives us gentle guidance and correction in those matters, and as I see it, husbands should too. I hope you can feel cleansed inside from that gentle correction as well. There is a good reason for it, and it can help you.

      I hope that helps. Bless you.

  7. .I am going to offer an opinion that may not be well received. This opinion is based on my own personal experience and I fully acknowledge others may have experiences about what I will comment on that is quite different. In any case based on my own observation of the wives I have known, including my own wife, women do not seem reflective enough to have deep remorse about bad behavior. Wives only seem responsive to the fear of the strap, the paddle of whatever form their punishment takes. What I HAVE observed, is a disrespectful bossy wife become a model of submission and obedience after a serious session of with the strap or other implement.

    Even my mother in law , a truly Christian women and a model of submission and obedience to all all who knew her would sometimes get prideful and rebel about her husband’s demand for her behavior , no matter where she was or who she was with, that was a witness to a women’s place in God’s plan. And I also recall how quickly she responded to correction under my father on law’s firm hand when this happened.

    It is my opinion that therefore, the use of corporal punishment is all but unavoidable in the Christian marriage if one desires the kind of marriage the Lord mandates so clearly in the bible. Frankly, I have never seen a wife who was not subject to stern discipline by her husband that I felt behaved the way the Lord requires wives to behave based on the holy bible.

    1. I believe firm discipline would be helpful in many marriages. Perhaps not every last one, but certainly the majority. It speaks clearly when words aren’t getting through, and it provides a powerful motivation. There is something in a good spanking that just helps the submission sink into a lady, where no discussion in the world would help. Thanks for your thoughts.

  8. […] momentarily, but receive it into your heart as a chance to be cleansed and made better. Learn to hate your wrong. Long for and look forward to the good you will do when the cleansing is over. Cooperate fully with […]

  9. […] several hundred times to reinforce this and I will make her stand in the corner to feel shame and remorse.  My wife receives all of her punishments nude, so as to contribute to her vulnerability and […]

  10. […] her where the bounds are, and it also reminds her of the grave wrong of her behavior. It helps her see that wrong starkly and want to avoid it. Just as the Lord chastises us, you chastise her, not out of a desire […]

  11. Long Time Practitioner Avatar
    Long Time Practitioner

    My post about the Thanksgiving problem and correction has not been published but my wife is experiencing real remorse. She has been punished since Thanksgiving for a couple of days of extreme misbehavior that started the day before Thanksgiving and ended up on Thursday with traffic tickets for 2 separate stops on the way to dinner. She has not been able to sit comfortably since last Thursday. I went out this morning and came home to find her kneeling naked in the bedroom with her well welted ass presented for my will. I gave her another session with the strap and will keep this up until the tickets are resolved. During punishment she accepts her fate and becomes aroused as the implement of correction imparts the lesson. When her corner time has finished she will thank me with her mouth and later I will take her for my full pleasure as well as bring her to several orgasms. My wife is a wonderful woman but does get head strong and needs severe measures to bring her back to her proper place.

    [Comment slightly edited by Aron]

  12. […] her husband, broke the rules, caused harm, she needs to see that. Her understanding will aid her in sincere remorse, and she will learn better from your words, while her bottom is being reddened […]

  13. […] your strong displeasure with her, through the strap and your words of correction. She is ripe to learn […]

  14. […] She admits for perhaps the first time that her behavior has been bad and finds herself more sincerely sorry for her deeds. She is ashamed at her state, undressed and crying before her husband. Then things […]

  15. […] and effective — version of civil justice. The social order needs it, and she knows her soul needs it too. It is good and natural to know you deserve a punishment. It is sane and reasonable to see its […]

  16. […] her life, the need to be corrected from behavior that she knows is very bad for her, the need to be cleansed of the guilt she feels deep down about her rebellious behavior and wrong choices, the opportunity to feel soft […]

  17. […] comes down to your own self discipline, but other things will help as well. Sometimes vocalizing your remorse to your husband, and letting your tears flow, make it easier to get through a spanking. Letting […]

  18. Auntie Beth Avatar
    Auntie Beth

    I am gradually making my way through your articles. Some I disagree with, some I am still considering and thinking about, and some like this one I am happy to see and agree with whether it relates to spanking or another consequence for poor actions. I am relying somewhat on my memories of being spanked as a child, some on being spanked by my first husband, a couple of spankings I received when dating, and then my current marriage of twenty years. In my current marriage, I have never been spanked other then some playful swats occasionally. I have been verbally scolded, usually gently, but occasionally very sternly which left me bawling. I also lost my rights to have a cell phone because of irresponsibility with it (several years ago now and I have never asked to have one again for fear I will still forget to plug it in or have it on me, etc. and thus cause my husband’s displeasure again.) I tend to be gentle, good natured, a natural follower and very tenderhearted, In spite of that, I know their are a few times for safety reasons or disobedience , I merely got lectured when it should have had a very red bottom. The first thing I would say that if their is no understanding of what was done wrong or when their is a strong disagreement about whether or not it was wrong, I doubt a spanking (or other consequence) is at all effective in promoting true change other than just a shallow type change to avoid the pain…their is no true “learning” or change in her heart…In fact, the resentment and anger it causes can lead to rebellion . For this reason I think the lecture or discussion which proceeds it is probably the most important part of it. I also think it is essential to come together in agreeing that it is deserved and as much as possible the ruled prior to it happening should also have been discussed. As a kid, being spanked when I felt it was undeserved created resentment, disrespect for the one giving it, When I knew I deserved it prior to entering the room or from the quiet lecture my Dad gave me I would be openly sobbing over my wrongdoing especially if I had hurt or disappointed my Dad who I loved with all my heart.. In fact, I was already so contrite the spanking added little to it but may have relieved some of the guilt for me. my other parent’s whippings were usually unfair and without justification, delivered in a fit of anger and angry words which belittled me. Their only effect was to leave me angry and resentful and swearing to just not get caught next time. Most of them were for “sass” or attitude”. One spanking given by a boyfriend on a date was for deliberate defiance and then laughing about it. I would like to add one more thing which has not been mentioned and that is the attitude of the spanker. It should be one of love and humility. It is unlikely you will be too harsh in spanking for a traffic ticket if you are honest enough to admit to yourself that in the last few years you could have gotten some yourself even if you didn’t get caught! It is unlikely you will be too harsh with your wife for not getting chores done and if you loved her enough to make sure you really understood all she had to get done, how tired she may have been, whether or not she was feeling well and then honestly looked at whether or not you got all done you should have. For those considering a severe punishment for “how she was dressed” take an honest look in your own heart as to whether or not you looked at other women dressed this way with admiration or even lust in your eyes or heart. If the husband approaches discipline in a truly loving way, with genuine humility, rather then a hard spirit of judgement and self righteousness and pettiness, it is more likely to. He should spend quite some time looking into his own heart and in prayer before he looks at his wife’s bottom to color it and should then be ready to spend some time reassuring her of his love and forgiveness during this vulnerable time.

    1. Thanks for your comment and for sharing your experience. Understanding why the spanking is happening is certainly important. The lecture, before and during a spanking can help as well. Usually a spanked wife needs to express that she understands her wrong, is sorry for her bad behavior, and needs to affirm how she will behave in the future. There will always be instances in which a wife does not agree with a spanking, but I find even in those instances, there is still a lesson to learn for her, and a way to change for the better in the future. It should be done thoughtfully, and with love, and care for the betterment of the woman.

      It is good for a husband to make sure his wife is dressed in an appropriate way; meaning modest and feminine. I do not see how his possible vulnerability to lust when seeing a woman dressed immorally means he cannot punish his wife for dressing that way. He should surely understand the temptation, and his own weakness, but he is right to correct his wife. It would be a better world if husbands took control of those matters.

  19. […] should not be swaying you either way here. A wife facing a spanking may be crying because of real regret for her bad actions. It might be because of her shame at being spoken to critically and punished. […]

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