It’s not always easy to feel truly remorseful for a wrong. Sometimes we still wish privately we had gotten away with it, or we simply want to get a punishment over and done with. There is no deep connection with our soul or deep change. Our heart is still semi-hard. Yet that is what every wrong ought to inspire in us — a sense of true remorse for having done it, and a heartfelt desire to change. When it comes to spanking, this is in part what a man’s instructions ought to help a woman with — understanding the wrong and feeling remorse, among other things. It’s also a part of the point of the preferably short wait period. Even if it is only for a few minutes in the corner, or only until the end of the day. The time awaiting spanking for her crime is a good time for a woman to nurture her heart’s feelings about her wrong, and seek to come to real remorse.
True remorse is more precious than gold. It rings through the soul like a bell, or across the sky like lightening. It has power to affect us deeply, and inspire better in our lives. It is easy to fall back on watered down remorse, or false remorse entirely. We should be able to see the difference between the two if a woman is to sincerely seek the true kind, and desire to grow from it.
Just as Paul teaches in 2 Corinthians 7, there is a godly sorrow that leads to repentance, and a kind of sorrow which does not; we are seeking the kind that leads to repentance. Shallow remorse — which certainly will apologize for an act and admit it was bad — has a few things that make it shallow, and less effective. Firstly, this lukewarm tea of an emotion may still be harboring a desire to do the act somewhere, and thus being restrained from remorse’s true power. We need to make sure no such desire is in us, or it will subdue our remorse. Shallow remorse for our crime is also characterized by a simple acknowledgement of the wrong, without a real sorrow for it, and hatred for the harm it can cause, or perhaps did cause already. It is intellectual only, and doesn’t reach deep into the soul. Shallow remorse is also overly focused on the “I,” and the trouble the “I” will get into. How the “I” just needs to repeat some words and get this over with. Yet the consequences for ourself and our own situation should not be in the forefront. They should really be in the back. We need to have a positive sense of the punishment we will receive, at least in knowing that we are fully responsible for being punished and that God has appointed it for our good. Shallow remorse is mostly sorry she got caught.
Real remorse, like godly sorrow for any sin, has a root in caring for the other. Real remorse is rooted in love. We think about the dishonor, harm, or danger we’ve done to another human being. We understand how much we’ve let them down. We know our real need to confess to them, and express that we are sorry for what we have done, and we never meant to hurt them. We greatly desire to make it up to them, and for them to know our love, instead of the harm we have caused. In short, godly sorrow does not merely say “protect me from evil,” but rather it says “protect OTHERS from any evil that I caused.” Godly sorrow recognizes are own weakness. Our own guilt. Our own need to be forgiven, truly, and be restored for what we’ve done. Our need to be washed clean. More than anything, it is rooted in love; the love we have of God and the love we have of the other. We don’t wish to ever let them down.
A wife should be seeking this kind of sorrow for her wrong during the waiting period. In fact, perhaps she even began when she realized what she had done, now she has time to think it through as she awaits her punishment. Godly sorrow often doe not come all at once. It takes time to bloom. It needs to blossom in the soul through the sunlight and nourishment we give it. She should spend time dwelling on her wrong. She should seek to understand her own motivations. She should be putting into words how she wishes to communicate her sorrow to her husband, and how she will be better. If they touch upon her particular wrong she needs to meditate on God’s commandments, and teachings for us, which she has stepped outside of with her transgression. All of this will help to grow the fruitful spiritual branch of real sorrow.
There are elements in the discipline session itself which should aid her in feeling and expressing her remorse. She will usually be laid bare (naked), expressing her bare soul, and her husband’s knowledge of her inner being — including that unclean spot he is dealing with, including her loving desire to be good in the future. He knows her and sees her. She will also be placed in a humbling position, over the knee like a child, or with her bottom in the air, which outside of marital sex is a lowly position. Her position acknowledges her guilt and shame. It also expresses her lowered status, needing to be punished and instructed firmly because of her act.
The pain of the spanking is there to help her in the process of developing real remorse. Not only should she understand that the pain is there to pay for the wrong she committed, but it is a short chance for her to experience the harm that her wrong causes. Whether her infraction was a simple one of negligence with her duties, or of very bold sin, like disobedience, or drunkenness, she needs to feel on her behind a sample of the real life harm those wrongs cause. Bad behavior can leave consequences that last years into the future. It can cause marital conflict, lack of trust, or harm to the children. As I say to my wife at times while I correct her, “what you have to feel now is very small compared to the consequences what you did.” She gets to feel a small piece of that pain during the spanking, and know this is what her behavior makes in the world — pain. That is what it causes others.
A woman who is desiring to nurture real remorse, will grow from each step in that process. She should actively seek growth from each step. She should nurture understanding of her wrong and its harm during her waiting period before punishment. Growth may not come in an instant, but give it time, as you fully accept your responsibility and fully accept that you did wrong. Imagine yourself expressing your sorrow to your husband deeply, even before you finally do. Recognize also that each experience during discipline is for your growth, including your knowledge of your act, and sincere desire for good in the future. It is a blessing to you despite despite that hardship. Let your husband’s words penetrate you and guide you, and let the pain of the spanking be a real lesson to you. Each stripe is for you and for your good. You want the pain to be over, but more yet, you want any harm from the wrong to be over. You want any dishonor you have given your husband to be wiped away. Let him teach you thoroughly. Then consider what words will express your deep desire to please him in the future. Your desire to be good for him is your desire to love him. It is love in action.
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