Steps in Turning a Marriage Around

One of the biggest encouragements in teaching discipline is hearing the stories of marriages that turned around because of spanking. I did not go through that myself, having led my marriage in discipline from the start, but I have had good back and forths with men or women who have had their home life go from black to white because of one thing: the husband starts to spank. Every situation is unique, but in all the stories I’ve heard, and the answers I’ve been given, there are still many similarities. Each of these marriages shares a number of steps in common in the discipline journey I’d like to detail them from a man’s perspective. I will comment a little on the woman’s after that.

Stage 1: The Intolerable. This is the already present state of the marriage, one of conflict, argument, anger, or sometimes coldness. The man has no clear and consistent leadership toward his wife. The wife is often disrespectful or dismissive of her husband. She may even openly bad-mouth him, or withhold sex. It is a pitiable situation for them both. The kind of marriage that you pray heavily over.

Stage 2: The Recognition. They recognize the problem, and wish they could so something to restore peace, quiet, closeness, and affection. They know it is wrong, but they don’t know what to do. They try to talk it out, but the problems continue, and sometimes talking it out just turns into an argument anyway. They may even regret they got married, or be considering a separation.

Stage 3: Discovery. The husband may learn about the benefits of spanking your wife online, or come to the idea himself. In a rare case a friend may have told him. He knows discipline is the only thing that might calm her down, and get her to respond to him. He knows it is powerful. He feels some fear over trying it, but he is motivated by the lack of success of everything else so he tries anyway.

Stage 4: The Talk: The man sits his wife down and lets her know things are going to be different from now on. He tells her what has been going on is inexcusable. He is going to start doing his job of leading, and she needs to start doing her job of submitting to him. There will be rules from now on that she needs to follow. If she will not submit, she will face the consequences — she will be punished with a spanking. Some wives open up to this idea nearly immediately. Others take time to recognize its value, and see that it is the best option. The wife agrees, and at least will give it a try. I strongly encourage men to give their wives this kind of a talk to reestablish some basics. Things need to be done differently from now on. This is how it needs to be.

Stage 5: The Spanking. Here, the wife receives her first punishment spanking, usually for the same bad behavior that has been causing problems to begin with. It may be her badmouth. Her lateness. Her disrespect. The husband takes her over the knee the first time . . . she feels some fear, and feels almost as if it is unreal. She bends over as if in a dream. She gets spanked hard and lectured for her bad behavior for the first time, cries throughout it, and is very apologetic. She admits for perhaps the first time that her behavior has been bad and finds herself more sincerely sorry for her deeds. She is ashamed at her state, undressed and crying before her husband. Then things begin to change.

Stage 6: The rough road. This new beginning has immediate results. The wife gets used to thinking about what her husband desires and doing it. She gets used to learning to avoid a spanking as well. Her language toward him changes, as well as some elements of her lifestyle that have been leading her astray. A new world of considering her husband’s authority opens up. Yet she also falters. She slides back here and there into the old behavior. She follows him only when pressed to. Her ego bites back and she sometimes gets angry at him for spanking her. At times the husband thinks she is not making progress, and is disappointed when she repeats her behavior and needs to be spanked again. He continues with perseverance, and even though it’s a rough road, real progress is made over time. She has to bare her bottom frequently. He is learning to take command of his home. She is learning to submit. New doors opened up in the mansion of their marriage.

Stage 7: The New Reality. You can see the new reality in the first few weeks of spanking, but to really see it usually takes much longer, even a year or more. The new wife, under her husband’s rules and discipline, is now quiet toward him, and soft. She opens her mouth with respect, and speaks politely and kindly to him. She knows what he wants clearly, and is proud to do it for him. She wants to satisfy him. Bad habits are for the most part left behind, even if there is an occasional reappearance. There is household peace. There is closeness and love. She no longer withholds her affection, but loves to give it, being fully submitted to him sexually. He enjoys his wife’s body when he desires. The resistance is gone. His command of his home is open, firm and clear. This is the new life after taking your wife in hand and spanking her.

Naturally, not everyone goes through each of these steps, but nearly anyone will find at least some of them present. It’s also important to not that men and women desire to bring spanking into their marriage even when the situation is not the worst it could be. They may see its value because of the clear leadership and correction it offers. They may use it to deal with a few specific problems, rather than a terrible marriage.  Either way, they will see some of the beneficial results. They will see change. It will be work, and take getting over the hump. I use spanking in my own marriage not to because it’s a miserable one. I use it because bad behavior will always appear with a wife, and I find tanning my wife’s bottom quickly and effectively deals with it. I give it to her as her little helper. Spanking turns around individual problems, as well as entire marriages.

The woman’s perspective on these stages is naturally a little different. The wife will not be able to give a talk that institutes discipline. She does not have the authority to do so. However, she CAN give a talk in which she expresses her needs, and asks her husband to think about using discipline. She may explain why she thinks it will help her, and will help their situation. Then she needs to trust in God and trust in him for what kind of change will occur. A woman, not being the one in command, may also feel impatient, and frustrated if it takes the husband some time to make up his mind, or to become a clear and consistent leader. She’ll have to wait. She’ll have to realize he’s got a lot to learn on his own about providing discipline, and she cannot tell him how to do it. Just as a husband may be frustrated if a wife repeats the same behavior after discipline, she may become frustrated if her husband stops giving clear rules to her, or stops spanking with consistency. He has a learning period to go through, which will involve his full embrace of marital discipline, not just a partial one. He will need to learn how to best use rules, and when to spank. He will learn the self-discipline to be firm with his wife and to spank hard. Until then, she’s got to do her best to take care of her part, follow his rules and honor him. Even without great leadership, she must obey.

While I encourage everyone to talk it out, you’ll find some husbands simply skip the talk entirely. They tell their wife they’ve had enough, bend her over right there, and give her the spanking she needs. If that works for you, that’s fine. There are wives the respond immediately to that quick and bold correction. Action can get to the point much faster than words. However, it will take words to explain to your wife with full understanding what the marriage needs. After all, it is not merely about spanking, but about your leadership and her need to submit to you. It is about her seeing how she is not doing this, and how she is being disrespectful. She should recognize the problem, and see why the solution is called for. A husband’s clear direction requires he explain the course of action, and then take it.

I want everyone reading this to know that spanking has aided countless marriages. It is not perfect. I do not give you an exact formula for success above. I just want you to see how it often is successful, and simply that it IS successful. Leadership, submission, rules, and a sound spanking do wonders for a marriage. They do wonders for a husband’s leadership and a wife’s attitude. She should be under your rules. Take a strap to her bottom. If you are considering introducing marital discipline, I hope this overview helps you see the way clearly. I hope it helps you take the first steps. Your marriage is unique just as you are, but I still think you’ll find yourself going down a similar routed as I’ve sketched above. Let this be yours to lead your home, or to suggest to your husband as a way to lead. The cloudy skies and storms can dissipate with some order in the home. A peaceful wife often is produced over her husband’s knee.


31 responses to “Steps in Turning a Marriage Around”

  1. For us, I’d have to say Stage 6 was the most challenging. For a little over a year, it seemed I had to give my wife a spanking regularly. It took her a while to learn complete submission and obey my authority. Slowly, things settled down but for a while my wife had a sore behind most of the time. If you can make it through that stage, your marriage will be wonderful but the husband must be firm, follow through and give memorable spankings that your wife will try to avoid. I now spank my wife on average once a month which is much less, sometimes she can go as long as two months and last summer I spanked her twice in week which is very rare. I give her a spanking when she deserves one and overall, she is a well-behaved, submissive, loving wife.

    1. Yes, once you get over those hurdles things go much more smoothly. Got to be firm, fair and consistent. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope that it helps others here!

  2. Caleb Giese Avatar
    Caleb Giese

    Where do you stand on the concept of Christian women spanking other Christian women? For example, if a senior girl at a Christian college ends up with a sophomore roommate, do you feel like the right for her to spank the sophomore roommate should at least be discussed?

    I actually support a womans right to spank another woman, based on their biblical maturity and so on. So in this scenario, I support the senior girls right to spank the sophomore. My only caveat is that there should be some male oversight of that process. Women, even mature ones, have a tendency to let their emotions cloud their better judgment. So there should be a male in the picture with authority over both these women, so that he can make sure that the senior girl doesn’t spank the sophomore girl for really stupid and trivial reasons.

    What do you think of this? Matter of fact, I would love to see a blog post from you on this subect.

    1. Hello, I write on the use of marital spanking, its practice, and its benefits. There are surely other areas of society in which corporal punishment would benefit people, including the use of flogging for criminal punishment in place of prison time. In school, as long as it is done by an authority, and not sexualized, I don’t see a problem with it. However, I don’t write on that in more than passing because it’s not the focus of this guide.

    2. Science teacher Avatar
      Science teacher

      Hi Caleb. As someone who has wanted to be spanked my whole life, there were often times that I was tempted to ask for such a thing from people. I do think that once past puberty, for a woman spanking can take on an erotic element. I have a single friend who began going to spanking parties just so she could find somebody to discipline her, but I was never able to bring myself to go to somebody to get spanked before my husband came along, because I felt like this would be crossing a line of sexual purity in allowing anyone else to be in that kind of place of intimacy with me. I think there might be a risk between two female college students of stirring up same-sex erotic feelings of submission at a time in a young woman’s life that such feelings would be moving from the non-sexualized discipline she may have experienced as a child, towards the sexualized feelings she could have with discipline in a fulfilling relationship with her future husband, even if she has yet to have found a mate. I could be wrong, but I know during my life I would have felt that doing such a thing would have been playing with fire. Studies have been done that show that even decidedly unambiguously heterosexual women can be aroused by sexual content that is homoerotic, and this is true across the board, measured by electrodes measuring sexual arousal even when the woman did not consciously believe she was being aroused.

      Interestingly enough the same study showed that men who identified as heterosexual do not experience the same dynamic that women do, and cannot be aroused easily by homosexual content. So perhaps there’s more a role in society for men to be shaped by corporal punishment in society, safely, without any potential sexualization. But some women are aroused by power and submission and pain, and this can occur irregardless of the gender involved in the dynamic. Women’s sexual arousal patterns are wired differently than men and I think the risk of stirring something towards a same gender roommate that should not be started would be too great for such a thing to be wise.

      1. GeeWhiz Avatar

        Thank you for your response to the original post.
        And YES! This issue is so true for the Christian woman! When I think of larger scale, healthy, and loving correction in the form of spanking at a society-wide level, I still think the ideal would be practiced almost exclusively by family members (parents, husband, MAYYYYYYYBE older brother or sister depending on age/maturity differences, etc) for all the reasons you lifted and the homoerotic nature of this op’s scenario is so important to touch on!
        Speaking from experience, though I will keep the details private for modesty, this is definitely a struggle I can personally speak about and protecting your wife from these influences in culture is so important! Look at popular books/tv/movies currently made for a largely female audience and you will find homosexuality coded into MUCH of it, though it is pernicious and seemingly benign in many cases. Women (especially millennials!) are consuming porn more than ever in the west, there is an absolute epidemic of transsexual behavior and support, showing a clear denial of natural law and God’s sovereign design. It is sooo easy for women to be swept into places that are very dangerous for her soul because of her inherent emotional nature, even if she’s highly intelligent and capable.
        Do not lose hope, however- an imbalance of power, though explicitly eschewed, is actually implicit to women’s entertainment as well. We still need a manly-man taking care of his woman by taking charge of the situation to really enjoy the romance! To the point that women authors have made men LITERALLY SUPERNATURALLY stronger in so many of these series/novels- vampires, superheroes/vigilantes, high fae, werewolves, etc., capable of great violence but we are instinctively drawn to it to protect us as women. So keep after our hearts, gentlemen, keep pursuing the truth in you woman because it IS in her soul , waiting for you to lead it (pun intended!) out of her soul.

        1. aronhusband Avatar

          Thank you for sharing those insights.

  3. Long Time Practitioner Avatar
    Long Time Practitioner

    With my 1st wife it was a learning experience as we progressed in our marriage. My current wife knew what to expect when we married because I had spanked her before we were wed.

  4. I don’t believe any women should have the authority to use corporal punishment. In our home I am the only one who used the strap hanging on the wall in our house. If any of the children were disobedient to her she could tell me and I would deal with the infraction as needed. Our boys were not spanked at age 13 but our daughters were subject to spanking by me until their marriage. After age 13 our daughters were spanked using the same procedure used for their mother. I also think head masters and pastors should have the authority to use corporal punishment in the schools.

  5. Scout Ridley Avatar
    Scout Ridley

    Well I’ve been getting spanked by my husband lately and I can yell you, it’s made me defiant, rebellious, testing and I hide his stuff and have slapped his face for spanking me. Doesn’t work on everyone. Nice try.

    1. No it certainly does not. It also presumes more than zero self-motivation on the part of a wife. However, you will find there is much more progress when you drop the prideful attitude and the rebelliousness, things which are likely at the root of more than one problem. That attitude will continue to harm your home no matter what your excuse. It needs to change. Your husband is right to punish you for your behavior.

      1. Growing Avatar

        I used to ask my husband to spank me because on some level I knew I wanted that, but aside from wanting to be spanked I wasn’t willing to submit to him.
        When I would ask him to spank me, he would always ask me in return, “Do you deserve a spanking?”

        I never answered yes. See, I was willing to take a spanking but I wasn’t willing to admit that he had a right to do it, that I rightfully earned it with my attitude or lack of respect.

        And, my request never resulted in a spanking. Because while I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I deserved a spanking for my misbehavior towards my husband, there was also a way in which I did not deserve a spanking at all. I did not deserve his disciplinary efforts because I wasn’t committed to honoring and submitting to him. I didn’t deserve the diligence of his emotional energy expended in something he would find somewhat distasteful to do to me, I didn’t deserve to be honored with the wholesome marks up on my bottom of his trust in me that I would honor those marks for what they were worth.

        Do you want your husband to spank you? Maybe you don’t, but if there is some part of you that actually does want to be spanked, don’t shut him down when he is trying. If you can find that part within yourself that can admit you would like to be able to drink these spankings as a cup of worthwhile suffering to be enjoyed for their humbling, offered by someone you trust and love, instead of resisting them, you may find that these are a gift not to be despised. Many of us long or have longed for what you already have, there may be some part of you that would find it enticing to try to take in the gift that is being given to you as something of great worth.

  6. I would like to offer a opinion on Scout’s comment. If you are being spanked and it only makes you more defiant then it seems to me that that the spankings are not being properly administered. Husbands are understandably concerned with being too harsh and they should be. But spanking must be something a wife truly dreads. My own wife often begins to cry before she has even received the first lick of the strap, I can assure you any thoughts of defiance are the furthest thing from her mind. I think any husband who had successfully incorporated physical correction of a disobedient wife in the marriage will agree with me that a wife quickly learns her place and dares not be defiant when she is repeatably given a well administered spanking as a consequence for bad behavior

    1. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

      Scout, if I openly slapped my husband I wouldn’t be able to sit down comfortably for a very long time after my whipping. My husband spanks hard from beginning to end and leaves me with welts and bruises at times. Plus, I hate being slapped so I would never do that to anyone else either especially my husband.

      1. Heather Avatar

        I have slapped my husband, twice, during the course of our relationship, something I’m very ashamed of now. I’ve been sort of wondering as I am reoriented into a more right place with him if I should ask him to rectify it and slap me back now. Being slapped across the face is way more terrifying than getting a spanking of any sort. I don’t think he would be willing, as he doesn’t want to be violent towards me and probably would not like the idea of tit for tat, and forgave me a long time ago, and Aron seems to recommend that physical discipline be consigned mostly to spankings (which has an element of safety) but I think there might be a compelling case that I should at least offer to my husband that I accept it would be just to receive slaps on my face because of this situation of this particularly heinous misdeed. Why am I even sharing this?? Ug.

        1. Hello Heather, If it’s long in the past, I believe it’s best you accept his forgiveness, and understand he has no need to correct you anymore. Some men do use a slap in the face to quickly correct their wives when a spanking isn’t really needed, or to bring them back into line the moment they step out.

          I won’t say it can’t be useful, but I find it does risk injury too much, and is not nearly as good as the bottom for a correction. In most instances a husband can provide the quick correction verbally, by giving his wife a warning of a spanking if she continues. Then he can give her one if she does not listen.

          It is respectful that you let your husband know you would accept one. That expresses very well your belonging to him.

      2. Heather Avatar

        Thanks Aron. I did offer it to him, it was hard to speak out because I don’t want him to think I’m a sadomasochistic freak. He simply said he had no interest in doing such a thing. But I was glad to offer myself fully to him and I am feeling much more that I truly am his and I as you said he would, I believe he does too.

        Before this week I would ask him sometimes several times a day, “Do you like me?” Or “do you love me?” And I kept feeling disconnected from the fact that I am actually married, not single, but married.

        This week I know within so much more deeply that I am indeed married. And I know so powerfully that he is my husband, we are one, and he loves me. He tells me he feels joined. When I have asked him much less frequently this week if he loves me, he has overflowed with a strong resounding YES!

  7. Grace Jones Avatar
    Grace Jones

    Young married couple seeking advice…

    My husband says I have an attitude and am disrespectful to him. I know I am but I know I get away with it so I continue to do it. He is to his breaking point with him. I think spanking would help but I’m not sure how to bring it up. Any ideas?

    1. Hello Grace, I may have replied to you elsewhere, but I do have an article on introducing spanking to your husband, which might help you:

      Likely your husband has given it some thought, but sometimes it takes a wife who openly suggests spanking. It would be very appropriate to choose a moment when he knows you’ve done something wrong, and let him know you think you need to be punished. At least it will get the topic into the open, and he’ll likely ask you some questions about it.

      I find that given time, most husbands will at least give it a try. Some embrace it, and learn to firmly lead and discipline their wives. Remember, at heart is your husband’s rightful leadership of you, and the submission you need to show to him. Spanking is only his tool in correcting you. But he should be leading you daily, and you should set your heart on growing in submission.

      I hope that helps.

  8. […] with obeying authority. The most important thing to know if this is your situation, is that it CAN be done. Many rebellious women are willing to get started with putting their attitude in the past. They […]

  9. I really want to introduce this into my marriage but I am TERRIFIED that my husband will scoff or think I’m being weird. I’m a take charge woman, I’m rarely scared to speak my mind. I’m
    married to a hard-working, kind, wonderful man. We’ve been together for 16 years. We’ve used spanking as part of sex sometimes but I’ve always longed for more. I’d like to be held accountable for my mouth and actions, I’m just too much of a chicken to ask for it. I’ve read and reread this post but still can’t find the courage to ask. Any more tips or suggestions?

    1. Hello GC, Thank you for writing. I have heard from women in your situation before. I would encourage you that many women manage to introduce spanking successfully into marriage, but it generally involves speaking to their husband first. In less than a year and a half of running this website, I have seen both men and women start with discipline in the home, or improve their rather lackluster kind. It works.

      Please find the courage to bring it up to your husband. If you don’t want to do too much talking, you can also leave him with some material. I have several articles on how to start spanking in your marriage, including one specifically for women.

      I always recommend finding an opportune time — such as when you’ve clearly done something he knows is wrong — and sit down and talk about it. Let him know you think it would help if you were punished. Explain why this would help you. You need to overcome some of these faults, and you need to be held accountable. You want him to lead, and set some rules for you. At heart, it is more about leadership and submission than spanking, but the spanking certainly helps.

      Feel free to write me privately at my e-mail if you’d like to discuss it in more depth. You might find your husband is very open to the idea, and has already been thinking about it himself. Men are leaders inside, and I believe he will find satisfaction in correcting you.

      I hope that helps.

    2. Heather Avatar

      GC, you posted this over a year ago so maybe you’ve already breached the topic. I just resonate so much with your feelings, that was my biggest fear too is that he would look down on me for wanting him to be in charge. Well, I think he’s always shown signs that he thinks on some level he should be in charge but I was afraid if he knew the degree to which I wanted him in charge that he would just like you said mock me and that I would be so humiliated.
      I’ve been able to open up and tell him what seemed to be my most embarrassing and dark hidden places on the topic now, everything I was so afraid to say that I was so afraid with some twisted fantasy or some crazy kink or some daddy complex, or all the other things that people might think of all this. But my husband is not just”people” and I have been so pleasantly relieved every time I ask him if he thinks I’m weird or crazy that he somberly shakes his head no. Okay I read a description of a discipline session to him from the blog here and he was like, “you don’t want that do you?” But the upside is that it got us talking. I guess what I’m trying to say is that there is something so amazing about not having any secrets. About letting my husband see what I’m truly fantasizing about, what I’m truly thinking about, what I truly want. I think even most people who don’t agree with domestic discipline would believe there is something of value in being able to be completely open with your lover, of being vulnerable and being able to fully be yourself and fully speak your truth. So even if maybe you can just carry that in your heart, that even if your husband does think you’re nuts, at least you would have gone deeper into your relationship by unveiling and bearing what is really in your soul so that you’re not holding back your secrets anymore. Especially if you tell him that. I’m betting that you will tell him with tears of fear of embarrassment and he will wipe away those tears, glad you shared your heart with him, whether he knows what to do with this whole idea or not. God bless you GC, I just wanted to reach out because I so relate to what you wrote.

  10. tryingtosubmittohim Avatar

    I was so scared to bring up spanking to my husband. Even though I knew it would work and I knew I needed it, I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth. So I sent him a few of these blogs instead. It was easier to email about it than to talk about it. Then we went for a drive and while we both looked straight ahead, I told him that I would like to try this. It was not a sexual game to me. I wanted to give him full control over our life and marriage. I was SO scared for our first session and he knew it. I kept whispering, “I’m scared,” but he took control and placed me over his knee. He used my hairbrush. He spanked me for all the times I have hidden things from him. He affirmed that he is in control of our house and our marriage. I cried the entire time, not loudly, but softly whimpering. He only did about 20-25 strokes, but it hurt and I felt it for a few days. Afterward, I felt so much shame and dropped to my knees. It was very powerful.

    He did NOT like hurting me. But immediately, I was more attentive to his wishes, letting him lead our children, letting him make decisions. He is a wonderful leader when he is placed into the role. If he doesn’t have the authority, he is naturally more passive. I am more naturally a take-control leader, but I love to follow rules, so flipping the roles in our marriage has been amazing. I am less stressed, I am calmer, I am so attracted to his leadership and attentiveness to me, and our children are greatly benefitting, too (they are teens and young adults).

    Over the next days and weeks, I continued to research DD on my own (I’m an avid reader and researcher). I emailed my husband blogs and articles that I thought would be helpful for him. We rarely spoke of it– I let him make the decisions about it. A couple of times he told me that he does not like hurting me or making me cry. I explained it’s because he is a wonderful, loving husband that he feels that way! BUT neither of us can deny the result of spanking—which is the best love life we have ever had, peace in our home, my submission, his confidence, my happiness, and consequently, his happiness.

    We took a weekend trip away for my birthday and I read a couple blogs out loud and we discussed them. I let him decide how and when he wanted to implement any of this, but I think he needed to see my willingness to take on this lifestyle (it’s so contrary to what we have been taught). I confessed that had lusted after another man years ago. I could tell by the set of his jaw that he was truly hurt and angry, but he stayed calm. That Session with me on all fours and him spanking with a leather strap hurt very badly, but it also absolved me of the guilt I had carried around for YEARS! I will not have that temptation again. I am truly his alone.

    I bought a couple of implements for him to use, but he decides when and where he spanks me and with which tool. Every once in a while, I whisper, “I think I need a spanking,” because my attitude is slipping. I HATE asking for it. But I would rather ask than be a brat or let my behavior get worse. I wish he would just institute maintenance, but he hasn’t decided to do that, yet. (Maybe it’s more effective for me to ask?)

    I had to ask for a spanking on Thanksgiving morning because historically, I am always very stressed while I host 20+ people and manage all of the food. Our holiday went extremely smoothly, I didn’t get upset, and he pitched in and helped me when needed.

    The Saturday before Thanksgiving, I wanted to organize our laundry room and slipped back into being in control. I was snippy and short with him. I was disrespectful in Home Depot. The spanking the next day was probably the worst one so far, but it put me back into trusting him and letting him lead. I don’t want to be the person I used to be. I don’t want to disrespect him. It just takes time to undo years of habits.

    I’m writing all of this in case anyone is in a similar situation that you want to bring it up to your husband, but you’re not sure how. I know my husband and I are learning and growing together and it will take time to work out all the details. Our situation is completely different from those who go into the marriage knowing this is how it will be.

    I just want to reaffirm: our marriage has NEVER been better. I think this is just the mysterious ways of God. Spanking reaffirms the husband’s role, the wife’s submission, and makes the whole house run more smoothly.

    I hope this helps someone.

  11. Better Lady Avatar
    Better Lady


    Your post really resonated with me and I am sure it will help guide others. I too, knew I needed discipline and I approached my husband about it 23 years after the start of our relationship. It was difficult for me but he was open. We are still learning together and are establishing routines. I have never experienced any desire for another man as I fell head over heals in love with my husband when I first laid my eyes on him at a very young age. We didn’t start dating until many years later but when we did, it truly was my one and only dream come true. My behaviors based on western feminist ideas made the relationship hard. I did so many things wrong but my love was true. When we started DD, there was an immediate change for the better. I love my disciplined life, my husband’s leadership and like you, our sex life has never been better. I also want to motivate other women to go on this journey, leave western feminism behind and know how wonderful life can be when we follow the roles that God gave us.

    1. Thank you. I know you can do a good job of helping other women learn. Once they’re willing to let go of the rebellion they’ve virtually been trained to have, it’s not nearly as hard as some people make it seem. So simple and beautiful. They will appreciate it, and so will their husbands. God abundantly bless you.

  12. Heather Avatar

    This morning my husband and I were in the kitchen, and he dropped one of his vitamins on our very dirty kitchen floor. I reached down to get it, and he said to give it to him, he didn’t want to waste it and just wanted to brush it off and take it anyway. Typical me without even a thought said, “no, the floor is too dirty,” as I reached the vitamin towards our kitchen trash can. Except this morning I stopped in midreach. Here I was, assuming I just had the right to overrule his exact words, without even negotiating with him for crying out loud, I was just taking control and dumping the vitamin into the trash can. Today’s verse for me has been, “obey your husband IN EVERYTHING.” I stopped and handed him back his vitamin. My husband would have usually endured my insubordination without a word, with a resignation I now realize has been destroying some part of him. Or maybe on some occasions he would have taken umbrage, and then I would have thought him to be petty (and controlling!) and we would have fought over it, me being annoyed that he would have made an issue of me assuming such minor control. Now I wish that he might whip me soundly for such a seemingly small thing, although he will not need be burdened with the minutia of it for now as I diligently attempt to give attention to giving him the obedience that is due him. I do hope that as he sees me submitting more and more in small things though that he might feel more and more a sense of his own authority and feel emboldened to instruct me and whip me whenever he sees fit and that I will be a sore and well chastened wife, soundly marked by bruises speaking of my husband’s care, instruction, and authority over me. I used to resent him for holding scripture over me as a “trump card” in an argument; now I think how dare I resist or dispute with holy oracle and even the instruction of my husband’s lips, and crave that he rebuke me soundly with the words of scripture and let me be brought low as appropriate.

    Today I asked him what he would like me to do with my time today. At first he told me to do whatever I want. I replied that I wanted to be accountable to him; that our house is in great disorder and I want him to bring order through giving me his commands and making me accountable to him to obey him. So then he told me he would like me to clean up our living room. I told him I would, I asked that he would spank me if I don’t or if he doesn’t feel I did a good enough and thorough job and I am thankful he agreed. I know that I won’t be spanked, because I have promised myself to not abuse the gift of the threat of his discipline by deliberately provoking it, so I will be sure to make the living room very clean today. But I will do it with reverence towards him. Perhaps this evening he will be pleased enough with the fruits of this so as to take me in hand to encourage me to continue, affording me the chance to drink deep of my submission towards him.

    1. Wonderful. That is one thing you will notice as you grow in submission; you become more aware of the times you start to take control, and you catch yourself, before doing it, or in the act. Then you have a chance to reverse that, apologize, and show submission to your husband.

      As you embrace your role that line will be much easier to see. You’ll know where the good territory is, where you are soft to your husband, and responding obediently. That is where you will learn to stay, at least the vast majority of the time, and find it fulfilling.

  13. Heather Avatar

    Hi Aron!
    So here is another update on this journey of “turning our marriage around!” As you know, it’s a little over a week ago since I found your blog and and found the pieces coming together and my mind and soul to great conviction. And you know that I came and repented to my husband and the Lord for rebelling against his authority and that of the scriptures about the call of women to be subject to their husbands.
    From that point on the path was radical daily confession and repentance to my husband of all that I realized this actually means. The verse, “see to it that she respect her husband” is one he had quoted at me a few times early on in our marriage, which I had thrown behind me. Now it plays over and over in my heart, as a word of Life.
    Similarly on repeat is the verse about obeying my husband “in all things.” And also the one about Sarah calling Abraham, “lord.”
    Our arguments had been so ugly, and I honestly thought it was all his fault. Now I see that he was always well within his rights, and it was I who was out of line in my belief that he owed me “equality” and that he was beholden to me and my sense of fairness and justice which I now see somehow also was about him defering to me. I never realized it but my notions of equality were really all about me being in charge instead of him. But equal, he is not. He has full say over me, and this is from God. He is an extremely kind and gentle man, but we are not equal and we were never meant to be.

    Anyway practically speaking, I have been spanked for 4 days straight now. I read your blog about going overboard and I wonder if you might think the sidelines we are going overboard, but I don’t think this is that.

    Because hubs and I are both just getting used to our new situation, there has been a sort of progression in the use of discipline as he and I confer with each other. It has been slowly about him becoming comfortable with the use of it, and also trying different implements, along with my understanding growing each day of what I owe to him in terms of obedience and deference as a godly wife (which I have not been. ) So day one was an extremely light spanking that got his feet wet, so to speak, and it was seemingly fitting because I lost my temper on him after we had just talked about me needing to walk with reverence before him. If anything it was an occasion to try out our new understanding of our places.

    The next day it was just some general stuff that he realized had been bothering him about my behavior in general for a long time, like wasting money and spending it without his permission and texting and driving. So day two got a little more real and this time he tried a slightly stronger implement.

    Day three he first tried shall we say, a “real” implement, his belt, and this was because we just talked about a grievous act of defiance on my part from the weekend before I repented, something bad enough that upon realizing he could apply our new arrangement to it, he was most eager to lay down the law about that incident.

    By this point, my husband was starting to feel his authority enough that it was no longer about me asking for a spanking. At this point he realized everything that had been grieving him in our marriage, and I also realize that despite my best intentions, learning my new found place with respect to him, I needed to sit down and write out rules for myself as to how I would conduct myself so I could remind myself regularly of what it meant for me to adorn myself with a quiet gentle and obedient spirit… Something I would have scoffed just days earlier.

    What was the change? Once I read through this blog I knew that my lifelong and unfulfilled craving for erotic spanking, which I had thought was simply a kink, was actually a blaring testimony to the legitimacy of Scriptures’ testimony about my place as a wife. And then I understood that verses about wives and husbands were not a mere cultural artifact from the repressed culture of Biblical writers, but instead unchanging truth about the nature of sex and gender and marriage. All because Aron was bold enough to write not just about submission and headship, but of spanking and discipline in Christian marriage.

    My background as a Christian is heavily drenched with the importance of praise and worship to God. My soul has been trained for many years to care about Glory: God’s glory and Christ’s Glory.

    I think the Revelation that has strongly impacted me over the past week really all comes down to Glory. The Lord has impressed on me as I have chewed on these things, that the basis for my reverent submission to my husband is that he is the image and glory of Christ who in turn is the image and glory of God. When I honor and obey my husband therefore, Christ is being glorified, and God is glorified in Christ. So I can sing worship songs till the cows come home, but if I really want to bring praise and glory to Jesus and to the Father, I must be rightly ordered under my husband. And that whenever I dishonor my husband, I am dishonoring Christ, and I am dishonoring myself, because my own adornment in the eyes of the Lord is only when I cover myself with a quiet and gentle spirit, full of reverence for my husband. I used to think such a thing was repugnant, but now I want this treasure in the sight of God. And I want to be brought low, I want to cherish silence and humility and obedience and carefulness and I want so badly to be punished if I slip into a complaining, nagging, controlling, self entitled attitude which even just a week ago was my unexamined normal.

    I would honestly feel blessed to have my husband take me into his discipline everyday, not just because I want a spanking for mere erotic reasons but because I need to learn quiet acceptance of his place over me which runs against badly ingrained habits of character within me.

    Is it too much for the newly recovering alcoholic to go to AA daily? Or is it safety and helpful? By the same token, it may not be too much for the recovering feminist to come under her husband’s rod daily especially in the beginning I think. But then again it is up to him, from henceforth everything is up to him.

    As I said I felt the need to write things down to remind myself and decided to ask my husband if he would like to weigh in on anything. As earlier this week he was slow to embrace his leadership over me, my continual confession to him of my wrong and acknowledgment of his rightful leadership seems to have helped restore his sense of what is right for him to expect from his wife.

    So when I came to him to ask if he wanted to weigh in on my rules for myself, he literally just started dictating rules to me. I know Aron you are not a big fan of contracts or long lists of rules, as this is about the relationship of a wife to her husband and not some long list of things people need to keep track of. But for us I think it was a clarifying exercise to write these things down together. It is not a contract, it specifies no action that needs to be taken if a rule is broken, it simply specifies what my husband wants to see from me as we walk forward. So we have written down things such as that I will no longer speak to him in the imperative form, that I will not argue or constantly question his words (as I had unconsciously fallen into the habit of negotiating, correcting or arguing with every single statement he makes throughout the day to me), but I will obey all his direct statements to me without needing a justification, that I will not use profanity, and that as my actions have driven us into debt, that I will not spend a cent without his permission. That I will not be so disrespectful as to speak angrily to him, and that I will bear his rebukes whether calm or angry as instructive and with submissiveness if it comes to me. Also that I will not resent my husband’s intrusion into any area of my life he wishes to shape, including my friendships and my social media. And that I will not dishonor my husband and air his faults to others as I had been in the habit of flippantly doing.
    It is understood that breaking any of these rules will easily earn his discipline although again it is completely up to him and not contractual. But I have asked him for sternness, for it is good for me. And to that he has agreed.

    We then prayed and took these rules and he had me read each one out loud, and then confess how I had lived opposite each one, and he soundly belted me for each one as we put the past behind us, and agreed together with bruises on my bottom about how I will walk into our future. We got halfway through before my husband decided my bottom has had enough for one evening, and we will return and finish later.

    It occurs to me that if a wife dishonoring her husband dishonors Christ, then the demonstration of her wrong and setting right of it by her husband’s discipline is honoring to Christ in the face of her earlier dishonor. And even more so do things get put right if she submits herself quietly to it.

    At any rate I no longer recognize myself. My husband looked at my bruises today and I asked how saying them makes him feel. First he said, “scared.” But then he said, “grateful.” I’m scared too, am I taking all this too far? But then I am also deeply grateful too.

    Aron we are from completely different doctrinal backgrounds, I know from reading your blog. We are charismatic, you are not. We read much in the Bible differently than you and have no problem with evolution, birth control, women working outside the home, and probably to your horror, we vote Democrat. It would probably take months to make any explanation of that to where you are coming from in your viewpoint of things, and it grieves me to know there is a good chance you may not even see us as fellow disciples and servants of Christ. But nonetheless, we bow the knee to Christ as Savior, King and Lord, and we recognize you are our brother in Christ despite some areas of disagreement (although who knows what viewpoint we will change next!). But on this point of marital headship and discipline we recognize and bear witness that you have done us a huge service in our marriage and our lives, and I just can’t thank you enough and thank you for answering so many of my questions day to day. Thank you again, and please pray for us too.

    1. Hello Heather, I am very honored to be able to help you both in establishing the right order in your marriage. It is a transformation for the good, and brings so much peace with it.

      The frequency of discipline is a very subjective matter. While I don’t think it should be normal to spank every day, I have seen it help out early in the process, especially with a wife who is struggling to leave old attitudes behind. Naturally, it could not be a severe spanking each time, but enough to sting, and to send that message to a wife that her man is in charge. A regular spanking like that can aid in softening a lady.

      Spanking and marital headship are useful, regardless of what belief system a person comes from. We are all human beings, and have basically the same wiring. What makes a man and what makes a woman does not change. It’s the right order for marriage. However, if you are Christian, I’d have to point you to the fact that the wife’s role in the home is taught plainly in Scripture, just as her submission is. It’s not a complex or ambiguous matter. It is the New Testament teaching.

      Moreover, as a Christian, I’d hope you would immediately recognize the Democratic party as overtly anti-Christ, and in a very dedicated fashion. It has primarily been Democrats who forced immorality upon the culture, and claimed immorality was a “right.” It is Democrats who are absolutely devoted to the murder of babies in the womb, these days, to the point they almost seem dejected that they cannot murder more of them. They attack God’s creation by treating it as acceptable to mutilate your sex, and make believe you are the other sex, to the point of glorifying this practice, and demanding the public bow down to it. The party is also overtly racist . . . among other evils. These are clear, and serious matters of morality, and not of opinion. I would strongly warn you against this party, which today embraces most of what Marxism stands for. It is not Christian in the least. It is Leftist.

      If you have grown as a woman, and embraced submission, I urge you to grow in embracing other truths you have previously brushed aside. This was a much more Christian culture in the past, and it has been mostly the Left, NOT the Right which changed that. Feel free to write me if you’d like to discuss it. It would get too off topic to go into great length here.

      1. Aron,
        For the moment hubs and I are fairly well focused on learning our newly defined places with each other. We’d love to connect more in private Lord willing, but hubs will have to take the lead on that!

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