The Answer to Fears

A lot of women going into being a spanked wife still have worries, even if they have decided this is right and good for them. While everyone has fears, and we learn to overcome them, we don’t want them interfering with submission, or making a wife miserable. Fears can’t be an insurmountable obstacle. What’s most important to know when considering spanking, and needing to face up to your fears, is that they are nearly universal, and married women learn to get past them daily. It is a walk, and requires some learning, but you do it. The same love, trust, and dedication that helps a woman in marriage, will help her in receiving discipline as well, yet even more deeply. All of these things inform her, as she seeks to do what is right, and move forward past any obstacle. She knows her will to submit, and she does it.

Perhaps the most common fear, unique to spanking, is the fear of pain. I’ve written an essay already about facing down a spanking for the first time, but I have to mention it again here. Whatever your fear about actually having a punishment come down on your soft skin, know that you can bear it. You’ve made the decision. You know you’re going to receive it. The Lord will bring you through a very temporary, difficult time. Unlike other parts of the body, the bottom is soft and padded, and is nearly built to take some walloping. It will hurt, but you’re not going to break anything. Dealing with the pain in part comes down to your own self discipline, but other things will help as well. Sometimes vocalizing your remorse to your husband, and letting your tears flow, make it easier to get through a spanking. Letting yourself sink down again to full submission, express your total belonging to your husband, express your deep desire to do good for him, and how you want to be better, and all of this helps take you past the pain and to something higher. I’m not saying it will disappear, but it will pass more easily, and with less resistance from your mind and reactions. It transforms that pain into something better.

There is also a fear beyond the ordinary fear of pain; that of whether your man might go to some extreme in punishing you, and take pain to an unbearable level. Anyone accepting discipline naturally wants to know the one dishing it out has some limits and some self control. A husband should certainly have these qualities. Immunity to this fear comes more heavily down to knowledge and trust in your husband. You know he is not a madman. You know he is self-controlled in punishing you. You know he governs over your life with care for you and to protect you from harm. If you know these things, that deep seated fear of he could lose control and you could be harmed dissipates. That of course is why it’s also good to marry a virtuous man, and also to talk about the nature of discipline beforehand. You should be informed from the beginning that a spanking, even a long and hard one, is not a medieval dungeon. Even if it is harder than you expected, it is not extreme or damaging. Once you know this, especially after you walk for years with your husband, you couldn’t imagine he’d be out of control anyway. You won’t experience this fear anymore.

Even during a spanking, the thought that it might not end anytime soon can rise up. Even a woman who trusts her man to have self control may have fears about the spanking being longer than she can bear. It starts to feel never ending. I would only repeat my earlier point on this fear — that a sense of trust will help you, and an understanding of its good will help you. The fact that millions of wives have managed to bear it lets you know that you can as well. Keep expressing your contrition, and your devotion to your husband, even if your bottom’s getting roasted for longer than you expect. Many athletes undergo hard physical workouts, ones that hurt, and are truly grueling to experience. People who work in labor or the trades push their bodies further than they think they can go, and are often left exhausted, or sore the next day. If we can do all this for a good cause, to accomplish a goal, to refine an individual, then a wife can undergo the pain of a spanking even when it seems it will not end. It’s only a matter of minutes that the strokes come down. It’s not hours. That hardship of not knowing when it will end, and that trust she must have  in her husband, is a part of the refinement itself. Let it do its job, and you’ll come out of the flames a better woman.

Despite how common the fear of pain is — and the immediate physical reaction to get away from pain — sometimes it is fears of a soulish nature that predominate. This is not unique to spanking. It relates to living in real committed submission too. For example, a woman might fear giving up some of what she’s used to for her husband, or having to stop habits that she likes. Her man may take wasteful things out of her life. He may make her live more healthily. For some women it’s simply a fear of whether they can obey a command without getting upset. They fear needing to lower themselves, and not making every decision. They fear being out of control:

What if I can’t buy what I like anymore?What if I need to dress differently?What if he makes me stop cussing?
What if my diet is different?What if he won’t listen to what I say?

That challenge is at the heart of marriage. Just as a man gives up much in his life, and sacrifices greatly to have a family, a woman gives up much as well. In this case, it is some amount of autonomous decision making. It is also some habits she likes. It is her ability to go her own way. At the core of overcoming that fear of losing autonomy, is to learn humility and commit the rest of your life to humility. That’s what the Christian should be doing every day anyway, but in this case it is in subjection to a man’s authority, and deeply personal. What law says that you should make every last decision anyway? What law says you deserve to be entirely independent and the source of your own navigation? None at all. It takes giving up that sense that we are in charge, and that we are the boss. It takes adopting a new role and persona. It takes lowering ourselves in the heart, just as we might lower ourselves to our knees. We’re learn we’re not the boss anymore. A woman learn to kneel before her man.

I assure, that despite the fears of loss that come along with this, there is great peace in submission. It is peaceful to know that you don’t have to worry about every decision or solve every issue yourself. It can be comforting to know that a path has been paved before you, that is safe, has guardrails, and is made by one who loves you deeply. It will take you to your destination, and your husband will help carry the burden. As long as you recognize and embrace your station, it’s not hard. It just requires Christian humility and sacrifice. The average believer who comes to Christ in rebirth knows that some of their life will now be trimmed and pruned back by the Shepherd. A wife knows that she will be trimmed back as well, and this is fundamental to the territory she enters — of marriage. The hard places of the heart will be cut away. Unnecessary and wrong parts of our lifestyle will be trimmed. Welcome to marriage.

Over time, there is a beautiful warmth in learning to say — “yes sir.” There is an ease and even and eagerness to say — “it’s your decision, and I trust you.” Many wives are absolutely fulfilled in saying — “I belong to you, I am yours completely.” Well, those are more than mere words. They’re not pillow talk. They point to an objective reality you experience with your husband. That possession by your husband, that being under his rule, means much of your life will be guided by him, and there are naturally decisions you turn over to him. He is the final authority in all things beneath God. Rather than fear it, look to find the joy in it. There is an abundance of joy for the modest heart. The meek wife experiences love and protection. Her man leads her and adores her.

I’ve heard from a few women who are challenged uniquely by another fear: the fact their husband might ask them to leave behind their career. Sadly, not many husbands do this, but there are some, including this author who do. A woman might ask herself, “Isn’t that MY territory? Isn’t my work beyond his authority? What right has he?” Well your husband might not be the boss at the workplace, but you are under his authority in your life. Your husband is responsible to make sure you are doing your job as a wife, and that you are growing as a woman of God. He needs to reign you in from evil as well. That means if he decides it, you leave behind that personal goal of career for something better in the home. You don’t belong to yourself but to your husband. For many women a career gets in the way of household harmony, submission, and even intimacy with her husband, making it a barrier to the purposes of marriage. Not only that, but the wife’s role in motherhood and homemaking is explicitly taught in Scripture. It is also made known through natural law in our differences as men and women. So not only CAN your husband decide this, but He SHOULD decide it, because the spiritual health of the home is the man’s responsibility. He needs to make sure the home is godly, and that includes having the wife, mother, and homemaker doing her job. Your husband is faithful to God when he has you leave behind your “dream” job, just as when he leads the home in prayer, ethics, or charity. He is being godly, and you have to obey. Life is not about our personal desires anyway. Life is about pleasing God.

A further fear about life in submission, and about accepting discipline, is lack of acceptance by society. Women in the West are compulsively taught to do the same things as men, and are taught to look down upon women who are soft and gentle, and who obey their husbands. They are taught they can do everything a man does, and that they should. Not only do they deal with a prick to the pride when they need to obey, but they deal with embarrassment if the secular world sees them openly obey their husbands. They deal with possible loneliness of the lifestyle. These fears are natural, and reflect real hardships currently. If you feel this, you are not alone. The hate that comes from this society is one reason you will need to be committed to your life. You are sincerely doing what you believe. No one’s opinion will change that. If someone expresses surprise, or ridicule, that you obey your husband, simply turn that around, and show what a good thing that is. Be proud of the fact you help your husband, and desire to make him happy. Be proud of the fact you are his assistant, and dwell peacefully under him. Be able to explain that this is good, and a source of great marital blessing and peace. You have no shame in doing your man’s will. He is your man. A woman should have shame in rebellion. She should not have shame in submission.

The experience of being spanked, however, can be unique. That’s because nearly everyone in the West today is private about this practice. That’s not the way it ideally should be — I believe it should be normal — but its reception in society is so poor most spanking relationships are private. That means if you want counsel, or company, you learn to receive it online, typically anonymously. I know that doesn’t sound satisfying to the ear, but very good connections form that way. Long-term relationships form that way. People receive aid, advice, comfort, and joy that way. Occasionally, these anonymous relationships become open, and marital discipline couples reveal their identity, and end up meeting in person. That’s a personal choice if you want to take that risk, but it does happen, and with many good results. The key in overcoming some of the hardships of a life as a disciplined wife is in believing in what you do, and in having some positive human contacts, even online. I’ve had several long-term communications since I started this website, and they have born good fruit. I enjoy hearing from those people, and find our bond satisfying. I look forward to meeting more of you, and seeking to be a friend, guide, and mentor to you. You are not alone.


35 responses to “The Answer to Fears”

  1. Please do not punish vwhen you are angry wait until you have calmed down

    1. Off course. My Husband never spanks in anger, infact I was the angry one in our teenage years and early marriage. I quite easily saw red and forgot who was in charge. I earned a few OTK sessions and a good set of paddlings but it always ended with loving hugs and tearful apologies where Husband would affectionately console me. We don’t associate Oral with spanking since it’s sexual. If we have sex after a spanking it’s usually only if it’s late at night and a weekend or if we do a play spanking which is EXTREMELY different from punishment.

  2. If wife does not fear the spanking husband is not doing something right After several years and many spankings i still get a knot in my stomach when I get the look and here him say babe you and me and strap need to have a conversation up stairs this evening be ptepare. I know I will removed my clothes bend over end and be ready for striping and lecture I will receive it will be long and yes ladies be afraid

    1. Yes, a long hard spanking will certainly instill some fear. That’s a part of what makes them so effective.

  3. Marie Avatar

    My husband is very disappointed with me, I ended up giving in to friends outside CDD and went to a bar with them, and ended up drinking an alcoholic drink
    my husband said that I violated several rules: keep friends with but influences, leave without permission, and inject alcohol which is absolutely outside our rules and worst of all, lying
    I have not yet been disciplined for what happened because my husband said he is very angry and disappointed at that moment, but I know that the punishment will soon turn around, the wait is crowning me inside, I am very sad and sorry for having disappointed my husband, I just want to put an end to it once and for all
    I can’t imagine what punishment he considers to fit my lack

    1. Hello Marie, Thank you for letting us know your situation. It is natural your husband is disappointed, as I hope any husband would be. Regardless of his choice of punishment, I hope you can learn more deeply what is wrong about what you did, and really want to stay away from it in the future. I’m sure it makes you sad to ever disappoint him like that.

      I do not prohibit alcoholic beverages in my home, but I would never let my wife go out to bars, or similar establishments. Now you know more clearly what the line is. Let it be a growing experience.

  4. I never feared my husband or his punishments, because I trust him fully to know what is in my best interest. If a woman is afraid of her husband, something is terribly terribly wrong in that relationship.

    1. In general, being afraid of a husband is a poor thing. However, it’s a good sign to fear a spanking, since it should be an undesirable experience.

  5. I agree with everything here…except the idea that a woman should have to give up her lifelong dreams. So, everyone gets what they want from her…the man gets whatever he needs, she serves the needs of the children…but her dreams don’t matter at all, and this makes a good husband? It seems to me a good husband would also care about his wife’s life needs and dreams, too…isn’t helping her reach those goals part of his support and responsibilities?

    1. Hello Mark, I’m glad you appreciated the article. As far as your disagreement, I’d say this: A husband helps his wife reach the RIGHT goals, not reach personal dreams, when those dreams are selfish and apart from what she needs to do. The right goals for a wife involve caring for the home and children first. So as leader, the man makes sure his wife does her job. That is not selfish at all, but is the correct way to use authority, and it benefits the entire household. Life is not about our “dreams,” but about doing what is right.

  6. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

    I can remember when I wanted a long hard spanking, now I am getting disciplined and I don’t know why I thought I wasn’t going to cry but I do, …spankings hurt always and I fear them , too because I know he spanks hard enough to make me wish that I hadn’t messed up to start with and I am always wondering when its going to end, that all depends on how still I am so I don’t lose position while he is whipping me because that makes it harder on both of us.

    1. That’s great your husband is giving you the discipline that you need. A spanking should definitely be hard enough that you wish you hadn’t done what you did, and never want to repeat it. It does teach self discipline to stay in position too. I’m sure that correction will help you. Thanks for sharing your experience with discipline.

  7. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

    I agree a 100%, my husband spanked me when I accidently woke him up out of his sleep after coming off of 12hour graveyards…I was doing really good at first that morning then I ran the vacumn cleaner…BIG MISTAKE on my part!!! He spanked me angrily and I got yelled at too. So I won’t be making that mistake anymore!!! I couldn’t sit down the rest of the day and I had to put cold aloe vera gel on that I have in my fridge for times like takes the sting out and feels good on my blistered bottom. I invite you ladies to do the same thing, it helps and heals faster.

  8. COTxgrl Avatar

    I do believe fear is in every aspect of our lives. We all do things, or do not do thing because we are afraid of the consequences. I do not think it’s healthy to focus on how dear drives us, it’s much better for mental health to focus on what we gain and what we create by making choices and working hard. We behave in ways that build love and friendships. Everything we have or want is a direct effect of us making choices that build us the life we want. Although you could look at it like, I go to work because I’m afraid of losing me home, I follow laws because I’m afraid of getting a ticket, I obey my husband because I am afraid of what response he will have. That does not mean we are afraid of him. I think woman who choose this lifestyle only submit to men who they fully trust, who has
    proven to them that they are in this for the good of their marriage and mostly the love and deep desire to protect and guide their wife. If a woman is ever afraid that their husband will deviate from their discipline routine. (If you live a true CDD life you will form a discipline routine over time) If you feel afraid he will hit you out of anger on your body other than your bottom, if he is hurting you and you do not feel love and safe then he is not a man who is leading you in a life of CDD. At that point it is abuse.

    If your husband is in always in control. If he speaks to you sternly yet slowly and clearly. If he tells you you will be punished he never does it with hate. He can be angry but he never is yelling at you. If he is a trustworthy man he knows he never has to lose control. He knows he has total control and he will handle the situation that wasn’t acceptable in his home. As a wife knowing you will be receiving a spanking WILL make you afraid. You know you are going to have to look your husband in the eye and say out loud to him what behavior you did that was not acceptable. Again if you are in a true CDD marriage, you know exactly what is and isn’t acceptable. It’s prettt incredible how hard it is to say out loud your mistake. I am afraid of the shame I feel, I am very afraid of how I have to be honest with myself that I chose to do something that I am working hard to correct, and of course I am afraid of looking my husband in the eye and disappointing him. I am
    ashamed to say this, but I will one of my hardest behaviors to stop is raising my voice. I do not yell or scream or anything like that. I struggle to discuss a situation my husband is not happy with. If he asks me questions on why I chose to do this or that I get defensive and my voice gets louder. I have not yelled yelled in years. That got broken out of me, but I still raise my voice instead of being able to just talk. Many times he is totally fine with why I did, what I did, but if I begin to raise my voice I struggle So hard to return to calm. For example, we planned this, he okayed it and was excited for me to go to this woman’s group, we go do stuff and go eat etc.. kinda a Moms group of super great woman! He was excited to have a fun night with the kids and for me to get out of the house for a while. I needed gas badly, so I stopped on the way, but I only put a little gas in and did not fill it up. Then I went and I chose to buy something’s at this little shop we all went in. I spent money on things before I took care of what I need. This is his biggest rule. He is very very strict on himself as well, that we only buy things when every single thing we need is done. Gas in the car is one of them. So the next day I’m going to the store and he was going to transfer me money to do our big shopping for the week. Well he saw my balance and then saw I only put some gas in the car. He called me downstairs where is office is and where we have our talk usually. He questioned me on why I chose to do that, and I got uoset and said he didn’t give me enough money to be able to do
    the things the other woman were doing and buying, and fill up the car. I raised my voice snd
    spoke very upset and crying that he did not give me enough, and I did not want to be the only one who did not buy stuff. I said Something like you never give me enough money! Well he grabbed my arm and hauled me into the bedroom down there ans pulled out the bath rush (it’s what we use). I was begging him to please not, I was struggling to turn over because you better believe I was AFRAID. I knew what I did, I knew I was going to be spanked if I did It. It’s okay to be afraid of a spanking. If you are not then it isn’t really a deterrent, right? Most of the time I go downstairs, have to wait, we talk, I have to
    Say what I did out loud, he talks to me about it. He makes me say out loud that I know my choices would bring me down there, why, what basically every question possible to make it very clear from my own words I chose to do something that I knew would get me spanked. When I am answering him I am AFRAID. We have that first talk while I’m sitting on the bed. Then he either tells me to turn over on the bed or I go over his lap. The moment I have to get my body to obey to go into a position where I am Going to have to accept a spanking that is going to hurt me both physically and emotionally is the scariest seconds of my life. I sometimes can literally not do it. I beg him and he tells me calmly to do as he says. If I can not do it, he will then turn me over or basically pull me over his leg. If this happens it’s going to be worse. He will always give me like 10 very very hard spanks right off the bat. You would think I would do it and most if the time I do obey. Sometimes though fear of the spanking, not him keeps me from being able to move. Fear of having to be accountable is intense. It’s all the layers inside of yourself of being disappointed in your own behavior, the disappointment your husband has in you, and of course the physical pain that is your punishment, your deterrent is so hard to humble yourself to… oh gosh it’s hard. Even when I raised my voice and my husband took me by the arm into the bedroom he was not out of control at all. He was not happy with me, he was very stern, but at no point am I aftaid of him. In fact even though this is I’m sure confusing to someone who is not in this lifestyle. I actually feel safe. I feel relief that he is there to help me in my out of control state. Feeling like I can not control my emotions feels so scary. He is there to say okay, I see that you are not able to calm down, so I am going to help you. In order to get to calm and back to the wife and woman I want And need to be, a hard spanking is going to come before calm. I have almost never not cried. I mean it hurts so so bad. It shocks the system and you respond with sobbing, well I do. My husband doesn’t spank for very long, but he starts hard and he goes hard. He will take some
    Breaks right talk to me. 100 percent of the time by even the first break I am sobbing and saying I’m so sorry, please please. Never does he stop there. He tells me that he knows I am finally at full attention and the next I do not know, 20 take me to a place of true and deep submission. I am basically limp and sobbing when he stops. This is the place of full and true obedience. I immediately feel the DEEPEST respect for him. He always picks me up and holds me and I vru hard. He always tells me that he forgives me and he knows I will make Changes next time. He says he is proud of me and knows I an Working hard on that part of myself. There is literally no other time in this world where I feel Safer, where I feel more calm, and loved. I feel Like unless you practice this lifestyle it’s hard to understand that. I know I did Not at first.

    In those moments after fear isn’t what I feel, but I do feel very safe in the place where I was put. Fear is part of why the respect is at an all time high. I ALWAYS respect him, but after you just got reminded what happens fear is mixed in there but it’s love that is first!!

    So this was super long as always, but this is a complex topic. Fear is all over our lives and it’s okay to be afraid! We have to be afraid! It’s okay to be afraid of your husband’s discipline when you mess up, it’s okay to be afraid of the spanking. That is what stops you dead in your tracks next time!

  9. Sophia Avatar

    Aron, you raise some excellent points. I will be married soon, and I am a bit fearful of the reality of being completely subject to my new husband, as thrilling a prospect as that is. You are right that when I place my life in his hands, I do so with an abundance of love and trust that will also be there to sustain me when I am inevitably punished. I must trust that his loving discipline will not give me more pain than I can bear. In his strong hands, I will be transformed. And I agree with Valerie that there is something inherently wrong if a wife cannot trust her husband with her whole heart.

    I’m sad that spanking is still considered wrong in most circles. There are so many wonderful resources written by Christian women who embrace their submissive roles in marriage and delight in their husband’s leadership and protection, but they always stop short of marital discipline. To me, it seems a half-hearted response to a husband’s headship, and one without teeth. It’s a neat division of labor (you take out the garbage while I do the dishes, you handle our finances while I bathe the children), but without a clear hierarchy. Spanking is the only thing that really makes it clear who’s in charge. Otherwise, it’s just a woman saying she likes it when the man does the manly things so she can do the girly things she enjoys. It’s an adult chore chart. A woman made to bare her bottom over her husband’s knee is the one who truly respects her man. She knows he means what he says. Accepting his refinement with grace is a beautiful act of love which opens her heart to submission in ways that simply being a “stay at home mom” cannot.

    1. Hello Sophie, I agree with your assessment of modern Christian gender roles. Even in traditional circles, it stops short of discipline, and without discipline, authority has no backbone. The reason they stop short is nearly always fear of the culture. They’re not prepared to be so bold. I think the first step is to at least openly preach that this is not some evil, but is acceptable in the Christian home, and a husband may choose to use it. End the demonization of it, and I think you will find many more couples show interest, and begin to practice it.

      May God bless your coming marriage, as you embrace trust and submission to your husband. I believe it will be very fulfilling as you give yourself to him completely. Peace.

  10. Hello, I’m a 34 year old woman looking for a tradicional and conservative man. (40-50yrs)
    If you are interested feel free to write to

  11. […] acceptance of his leadership, and a deep sense of trust. Humbling bites at the pride. It sometimes causes fear. But once a woman starts to walk forward in it, she can know the peace and fulfillment within […]

  12. […] or beginning it as a new wife, can be a lonely calling. There are countless doubts, questions, and fears that arise, even after one has started, and many are uniquely answered by other […]

  13. TryingtoSubmit Avatar

    I fear spankings. I do. My rear end is smarting right now from a Session last night. But I also love the end result, which is closeness, my submission, my softening, and sins put in the past.
    I am a dedicated mom, I stay home with my kids, but I also work from home. My husband gets a final say in my career, though, to keep me aligned with our family goals. He wants me to be who God made me to be, thankfully, but I want to make sure I am attentive to him, our family and our home, so I only work a few hours a day. He also works from home, which is wonderful

  14. I find myself to be often distressed over some of the letters and advice regarding spanking which do not address the very real emotional and physical risks inherent in this practice in the DD and CDD world. The more severe a spanking is, the riskier it may be and this includes the level of severity often encouraged on this and other web sites. In spite of the benefits some believe in, that must be weighed against serious potential risks which the couple should be aware of. As an RN, I have cared for patients effected by such including an adult male who suffered acute kidney failure after a paddling in a hazing incident. Their is medical literature documenting some of those risks one of which I am posting as a link. Due to the nature of privacy most couples want, you may be unaware of these. When your wife faces the stressor of a punishment spanking and is unable to run (flight) or fight as the wives are not, they will have a release of hormone which can have negative effects to the immune system, especially if those instances are repetitive. It can also effect sleep regulation. Extrapolating data from multiple studies of children who are spanked even on the milder side, we know long term effects can include anxiety, depression, changes in mental processing, and later addictions. In fact, the “negligence” and forgetfulness for which wives are at times punished may be due to the physiological EFFECTS of the stressor of repetitive spanking and the possible stress of atmosphere of fear regarding them. The public believes the buttocks are a “safe” area to spank as they are padded and without vital organs but this is untrue. Structures there can be injured especially when implements such as paddles are used and this is even more true of a smaller person or of the area just below the buttocks on the thigh which has little padding protecting the large nerve here. Be aware that women, especially older women, and red haired women, are physiologically more pain sensitive then men which means you will cause your wife significantly more pain then a smack from the same implement on your own thigh. We know from detailed MRI studies in the last decade that the same pain stimulus administered in both a male and a female causes significantly more pain in the female as recorded in the pain receptor sites of the brain. Women certainly have legitimate reason to fear a spanking even when they normally trust their husbands or fear that he will lose control and take it too far. Ladies, if your husband bares your bottom he is doing what is safe to better monitor for damage. Husbands, please be patient and calm and try to offer reassurance and understanding rather then belittling or being harsh regarding the fear of your wife. Instinctively reaching back to cover and kicking legs are an instinct and natural protective response and fingers can be easily be fractured with an implement. I know some will disagree, but I would advise as a nurse, to carefully position or restrain as necessary rather then risking additional injury. I know of one individual who suffered a fractured arm from getting it in the way of a paddle when reaching back! Ordinarily, a spanking resulting in a red bottom, especially, a hand spanking, would be unlikely to present significant risk but, frankly, if you spank to the level of much visible bruising ,or swelling you are taking considerable risks with your wife’s health and safety even if you have done so hundreds of times before with no ill effects you know of. In my humble opinion, it would be better to pause the spanking for a few minutes or delay it until calm and controlled then risk irreparable harm to the woman you love.

    by Lesli Taylor, M. D. and Adah Maurer, Ph. D.

    1. Thank you for your concern regarding safety. That is something anyone beginning domestic discipline should be aware of. Serious injuries are incredibly rare, and can be avoided with a few simply precautions. Heavy instruments such as a paddle, or heavy cane, typically are not used nearly full force. A husband develops a sense of how hard he needs to spank to give a firm correction, yet also avoid injury or extreme pain. Taking time to aim the strokes also helps to avoid missing and accidentally striking outside of the intended area.

      A husband monitors his wife’s physical condition during the spanking, to make sure it is not going too far. That’s one good reason for spanking to be done in the bare, because it allows visibility.

      I cover some basic points regarding safety, and what the ordinary surface damage of a spanking will be like in the articles below:

      Nearly any woman can learn quickly not to reach back during a spanking. There is a basic amount of self control, and courage she develops early on, and afterward it becomes the norm to simply keep her hands in front of her or at her sides. If she really is finding this too hard to do, it is acceptable for a husband to hold her down, or otherwise restrain her. In my experience, and from what I hear from men and women, the large majority of couples manage to have spanking sessions without restraints.

      I’m sure there are couples out there who have other safety precaution I have not mentioned, but those re some simply common sense ones. They will work for anyone.

  15. So, we’ve been doing submission and discipline now for a few months. It can be absolutely amazing at times to feel that sense of being hedged in, under him, knowing that he holds a line for me and I will be punished if I step outside of it. I have no idea why that feels so GOOD, but it does. There are also moments of closeness surrounding discipline that have their own sense of goodness about them.
    But one thing I am finding that is a bit bewildering to me is how at times our rules and our new relationship to one another can feel also very distancing. Especially when he pulls rank on me because he is annoyed and doesn’t want to hear from me for some reason or another. Sometimes it seems he uses his authority to be cold and unfeeling, to keep from hearing feedback or being close at times. Sometimes I wonder if granting so much control and authority will bring out the worst in him, if he will just use it be an island and rather than to cultivate partnership and empathy, it is just to isolate himself from my thoughts/feelings. Those are my biggest fears, because sometimes it seems like he’s kind of doing that.
    I know with our whole dynamic turned upside down and inside out there’s bound to be a lot of adjustments and growing pains on both ends. I just really hope this isn’t a mistake, sometimes I wonder.. I know God designed marriage for a woman to submit to her husband and the husband to command and lead, but at the end of the day maybe sometimes egalitarian marriages can be healthier than Headship marriages where things aren’t working quite right. At least that’s a thought that I toss around sometimes.
    (Since I’m potentially dishonoring my husband with this post I’m not going to use my name publically, but you’ll probably know anyway.)

    1. Hello Fearful, Thank you for your comment. I’m very happy you are already experiencing the fulfillment of knowing your husband’s guidance and his strength in your marriage. That connection, between his strength, and your submission to him, is a powerful and important part of the union. Many women love to experience it.

      However, if everything in the relationship comes down to rules, it can indeed damage other important facets of it. There should be able to be good communication, and warmth, without fear that something small might trigger punishment. Life is more than rules and mere obedience. I believe over time, if you both work on it, and communicate, you will find that medium, and find where spanking fits in, versus gentle guidance. He will also adapt over time what he sees needs to be regulated or not.

      Headship in marriage cannot be replaced by anything else. That includes by a friendship, or any form of egalitarian union. It’s simply not in the nature of marriage. It’s in the nature of friendship, sure, but when you marry your spouse, you are not committing to be really good friends. Part of the commitment itself is the authority structure.

      It’s also important to know that the goodness of marriage is not measured ultimately by a surface happiness, or feelings of warmth, even though those are not bad things. There is work to do in marriage. There are real battles to win in life together. Most of it is very serious. Marriage exists for the glory of God, being a ship at sail, with the husband as captain, and wife as his helper. It is only this that allows it to function as it must, and to represent what it does; God’s deliverance of His people.

      I would give it some time. Talk to your husband about your difficulties. Being under authority won’t be easy all the time, but it can work more smoothly with adjustments, and with the right balance. I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Know that what is most important is that you both fulfill your responsibilities, and love one another.

      If you haven’t seen it already, this article deals with the obstacle of finding discipline a bit too serious:

      In the future, I think it’s best that you ask your husband’s permission to write about your marriage. It is up to him if he finds it alright. Other wives have gotten in trouble that way.

      Take care.

      1. Thank you, I’ll meditate on what you wrote and share it with my husband.
        I do have his permission to write about our marriage — I am just discrete at times for whatever reason, but the incidental discretion is not in order to hide anything from him, but rather not to confuse others who might not understand our ups and downs. I hide nothing from him, but that’s a good warning nonetheless.
        Thank you as always.

      2. Aron,
        You wrote:
        “There is work to do in marriage. There are real battles to win in life together. Most of it is very serious. Marriage exists for the glory of God, being a ship at sail, with the husband as captain, and wife as his helper. ”

        Can I suggest that I think a really great post would be something like, “What Godly Leadership in the Home Is About” or something like that. What “real battles to win in life” are you referring to? What work is there to do? Where do these husband-captains need to take these ships?

        I get that we wives don’t get to tell our husbands how to lead us. But you, as a man, probably have some great things to share. A lot of guys out there, depending on age, either watch TV all day or play videogames, even Christian guys, a wife coming to them asking to be led bewilders them, they don’t know perhaps what they are to lead towards. Or the other extreme is evident in so many posts — rather than appreciating the awesome gravity of having a wife completely entrusted to their leadership, they rule with selfishness, or anger, and there’s not much “kingdom” going on, even if what they are asking for (regular sex, or babies, or a clean house) is on the surface reasonable. But what does it look like for a man to lead with the glory of God and His purposes in mind?

        Speak to them men for us please, brother to brother, servant of the Most High to other servants of the same God.
        – Heather

        1. Hello Heather, I do have this article dealing with a man’s leadership, and getting into at least some of the specifics of what he does:

          Other articles I’ve posted deal in passing with how the husband brings virtue and spiritual elements to the home. However, there is always room to do another article with more details.


  16. A loving and fearful wife Avatar
    A loving and fearful wife

    I’m not sure where to start, but I’m hoping that someone here can give me some advice. I love my husband very much, but he’s made some changes in our marriage lately that scare me. I trust him, I really do, but I’m having trouble understanding, and I just don’t know if I can handle all of this. I’ve always tried to make him happy, but lately we’ve argued over silly things. He wants us to try for a baby, but I told him I’m not ready for that yet. I really like my job, and I just think we’re too young, but the other night he threw out my birth control pills. He said he “forbid” me to take them anymore. He told me he expected me to obey him – that that’s what wives are supposed to do – and then he said he’ll punish me if I disobey. I cried because he’s just never yelled at me like that before. I’ve always been happy for him to be the man of the house and make decisions for us. I know he likes it that way, and I don’t need to be in charge. It’s not like I want to go against him. I didn’t refill my pill prescription. I’m trying to understand and respect him as my husband. He said I agreed to obey him as part of my vow to him on our wedding day, and that it’s time for him to enforce it. I did say those words, but I didn’t take them literally. And I don’t think I can handle being spanked. He said he’d do it whether I thought I could handle it or not. I know he means it. He’s strong enough to overpower me, and I’m just scared. How is this right? I’ve prayed over it, and I found this website, but fear is all I can feel right now. I don’t want to be afraid of my husband, and I don’t think I deserve to be punished for making a mistake or for arguing with him. How is pain and fear part of a loving marriage? I don’t want to lose my husband. I could already be pregnant. Please help me understand him.

    1. Hello Fearful, I am glad to hear from you. Thank you for your comment and your question. It is normal to experience some amount of fear when faced with a spanking, and with lifestyle changes. However, love and trust in your husband, along with love and trust for God, will greatly alleviate any fear that you feel.

      Submission in marriage, which you vowed to in getting married, includes your obedience. Certainly you know that. Obedience will not always be to things that you like, or even agree with. Obedience includes following your husband even when you don’t agree. You may gently share your thoughts with him, but you may not argue with him or tell him what to do. You know he is the one to decide, so as his wife you should accept that decision. Seek to do it graciously, and to give him your support wholeheartedly.

      Having children is a part of marriage. It is a responsibility. Putting it off a long time for the sake of personal desires gets selfish. It is simply wrong. The world will be blessed by your children, and by your hand in raising them to be virtuous and faithful. Devote your time and your energy to being a wife and mother. It is far more important than personal dreams. Being a wife and mother is a full time job and cannot be balanced with full time work outside the home. It is more valuable than any salary in the world, and you should be honored to be doing it.

      Discipline is a part of a loving marriage because a man disciplines his wife for the sake of correcting her. He takes her off of the wrong path and onto the right one. That is an expression of love. Parents do the same thing when they discipline children. God does the same thing when He disciplines us. Chastisement may hurt for a time, but there is peace afterwards, and the rewards of righteousness.

      Naturally, verbal correction, as well as spanking, should be given in a self-controlled manner. It should not involve outbursts of anger, screaming, or insulting. It is a loving and self controlled correction of one who has done wrong.

      Set your mind to learning what your husband is teaching you. it is for your good. It is not to harm you. The rewards that come with a rightly ordered home include peace and harmony between man and wife, many children filling up the home, and filthy habits put in the past.

      Take time to learn and understand. I believe you will feel far less fear as you do so. Feel free to write me at my e-mail if you’d like further discussion.


    2. My husband just pulled this on me after two years of marriage. I am trying to read all these articles to educate myself but I am not ready to be a mom.

      1. Hello Amelia, Thank you for your comment. Your husband is making a right decision and doing what is good for the home, and he can do this based on the authority he has as your husband. He is not “pulling” anything on you.

        Many women have been taught to think that childbearing is for some far off time, after a mandated extended period of education, enjoying life, and making money, but this comes from a faulty worldview. Childbearing is good, and is not to be avoided. It is best done when still young, healthy, and with many years ahead of you. We need more children raised with faith and virtue. We don’t need more adults putting of marriage or childbearing.

        There are certain reasons a person might rightly feel they aren’t ready to be a mom. They might be a small child. They might be unmarried. They might have a serious disability. In each of these cases there is a reasonable reason to think you’re not ready. However, if you are a healthy adult, and are married, then objectively, you are ready to be a mother. If your feelings do not conform to this reality, that doesn’t make it any less real. You are fully capable to be a mother.

        This world will push you into making life all about yourself and all about your feelings. However, to be true to the Lord, this life is about honoring God, making sacrifices for the good, and living as He teaches us to live. However disappointing that sounds to the flesh, we often have to let go of personal dreams to do what is right. It is satisfying once we let go.

        I’m glad you are spending some time reading the articles here. I believe they can help you understand leadership and submission. However, most important is to be firmly grounded in what a marriage is, and what it’s purpose is. That will help you even more. When we know how important it is to be a godly husband or wife, we have a hunger to do it, and we don’t want to quit. I am confident it will be very fulfilling, once you let go of a life more grounded in your heart’s desires, and come to one more grounded in Christ.

        Honor your husband, and respect his decisions.

        1. Thank you Aron, my husband is teaching me this. I know you are both correct. I must learn to honor him and what he decides as my leader.

      2. Wanting kids Avatar
        Wanting kids

        These comments can be hard to read. It does seem to me that often women who were not close to their moms feel weird about having kids?

        I cried and cried to God for years and years because I could not find a husband and was afraid to see my reproductive years slipping away. I couldn’t endure the idea of never having flesh and blood children. Yes, I might adopt one day but I knew I was meant to reproduce myself if possible too. I’ve spent my whole life thinking of all the things I would share with my kids, all the things to teach them. The idea of not passing on a legacy to my children is unthinkable, like the worst thing on earth that could happen.

        Now that I am married, and struggling with trying to have those children late in life, I can’t fathom these letters. I love my children even though I don’t even have them yet. I don’t understand the detachment.

        1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Wanting. I wish more brethren had such a longing for children. Lord willing, He will bring many into your family. I know you have the heart and character to be a wonderful mother.

        2. Wanting, I sent a previous message responding to you. As a Christian I forgot to say that I will pray each day for you that God sends you children. I know it must not seem very fair that some women want to wait and all the abortions that occur, that someone like you who desire them so much can’t get pregnant. It isn’t fair, and I am sorry you are going through this and I will continue praying for you and your husband.

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