That Group Thing

I have a healthy respect for the variety that exists in marital discipline. However, I want to warn about one aberrant practice that you find in some spanking homes. This is the use of onlookers during a spanking, or even of having others come in and perform the spanking. I make mention of this in an article on practices I do not advise, but it deserves its own attention, of the naturally negative variety. Spanking is inherently a private matter between husband and wife, and no one else should be brought in.

Before I go on, I want to mention that I firmly believe a good percentage of the comments online about having a partner come to spank a wife, are pure fantasy. They play into the overall humbling that comes with a spanking, and seek to artificially heighten that sense of humbling. They also play into the voyeurism of having an audience, along with the nudity involved, making the act a spectacle, and bringing lewdness into the setting. It seems to be nearly the same sensation that gets people into swinging. I believe some of these stories are told merely to excite the reader, or even to intentionally make spanking look bad by adding intentionally edgy stuff. The number who REALLY do public spankings in reality, I believe to be few.

I see two main reasons to warn against this practice as harmful. The first is that spanking is naturally sexually charged. The male and female give and take, the hardness and softness between the partners, excites nearly anyone. It carries with it a sexual energy. The nudity involved in most spankings also adds sexual content to the discipline itself. Sexualized parts of the body are on display, including a woman’s sex. Nearly any man would say he finds a woman being spanked exciting, and women are not blind to that element as well. Since the sexual interaction is only rightly between a husband and wife, no one else should be viewing the spanking, much less participating in it, by spanking the wife herself. That violates the bond between man and wife, which by its nature is exclusive. A woman’s body is private for her husband to see and touch.

While the sexual intimacy is the strongest factor, emotional intimacy and trust are also important elements that exist between man and wife, and simply cannot be replicated by less intimate relationships. Discipline requires deep closeness and deep trust. Other relationships, be they close friendships, acquaintances, or less intimate family bonds, cannot bear the weight of that required closeness. Marriage is practically built for it, and any marriage will require it. If you think about it, I think you will find nearly all of your relationships stop at a certain level of emotional closeness, and there are limits to physical closeness as well. That is why marriage, being the union of two into one flesh for life, provides a much solider ground for spanking, just as it is the right ground for sexual closeness.

The other main reason to stay away from bringing others into the discipline session, is that having spectators wrongly heightens the humbling that comes with being punished. She is now being humbled before people she knows far less well, or trusts not nearly as much. She is humbled before people whose love and good intentions are not known to her, and may not be present at all. Having to be naked and spanked to tears publicly is far more likely to make her feel unloved and put down than a simple spanking by her loving husband. It can also greatly harm those relationships. It may be difficult to maintain a friendship with someone whom you know has seen you shamed and corrected. It can be hard to return to the necessary limits such relationships naturally contain. You even hear people tell stories of having children see or perform such a spanking, and it is hard to imagine that would not harm their ability to view their mother as their mother, and honor her rightly. She is their authority under their father. She should not be humbled severely before them. It nearly turns the parent-child relationship upside down, and exposes them to things they may also be too young to see.

A man who has spectators while he spanks his wife is denigrating her, and using her like a prostitute. He is taking the unique and special closeness that exists in marriage, and making it a common thing, for all to see. It hints of being swingers as well. That smears the woman, and it also smears the goodness of marriage in general. It makes him look like he’s in it for the thrill of public spectacle, and of a power that doesn’t belong to him, and not for the correction itself. It will also naturally harm his wife’s relationship with others, perhaps for many years. Public spanking does not fit into his role as loving protector, nor does it fit into ordinary discipline, whose goal is simply to correct bad behavior and teach submission. It is irresponsible, and motivated by wrong intentions. The closeness that God gives to marriage is unique for marriage. It belongs to no one else.

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23 responses to “That Group Thing”

  1. Long Time Practitioner Avatar
    Long Time Practitioner

    I can remember my grandmother being spanked but it was never in my presence. I heard it happen and from the sound I know grandpa’s belt was the implement. He would give her a couple of warning looks and if that did not work he would take her in hand. It happened a few times when I was there and she was very contrite after the event. She would have a tear stained face later and be sitting very gingerly for a couple of days. I spent quite a bit of time especially with my grandpa and he taught me a lot about life. I caught the belt from him only twice but vividly remember it so I know grandma had a well welted bottom. Once was for lying and the other was for sassing an adult. I never repeated my behaviors so the lesson took! My 1st wife was spanked a couple of times that were heard by others and my current wife was spanked once that her dad heard. My father in law said that he knew my wife is a woman that needs a reminder and that I am good for her. He and I talked about her requiring a strong hand to keep her focused and he agreed that our being married was great. We make a great life together and enjoy our relationship growing even more.

    1. We don’t punish our wives to entertain other people. That would be outrageous and unbiblical. However, I think a wife’s punishment provides a good example of what bad behavior results in. So given that we raise our children to accept Christian gender roles , keeping it a secret that a wife has been spanked makes no sense to me. No one has to observe a spanking to know that a spanking has occurred. And a wife contritely doing her corner time sets a very useful example in my opinion.

  2. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

    I can’t imagine how embarrassed and used I would feel . I agree spanking should be between a husband and his wife and nobody else.

  3. A spanking involves me having 100 percent trust in my husband, and although I am humbled I do not feel degraded, which I most certainly would if a correction was carried out in front of others. A spanking is such a personal and intimate thing between husband and wife. When I am being punished for wrongdoing, my husband does not use only his strap, he uses his words. His questions of me and the answers I give him are an important part of the discipline . I cannot imagine this occurring in front of an audience. I think corner time should also be private. Children should never be involved in seeing any part of their mother’s correction and only the husband should be privy to viewing his wife’s spanked bottom. A spanking is solely between husband and wife.

  4. Corner time in front of children or any other family members is not Christian gender roles it’s complete lack of respect for the maternal figure. There is no way children can have true respect for their mother when they see them bare in corner time. Bible says to honour thy mother and that is definitely not doing that!

    1. Agreed. It is inappropriate, whether nudity is involved or not. It violates her role as a mother, and send children a very wrong message.

  5. The goal is total privacy, this is most definitely a most intimate thing. However, just as with love making, it may be something children or others come to know is done. Just as it is understood that a marriage involves sex or children eventually learn about the “birds and the bees.”
    Also, in a home and a family we unintentionally hear things and in hearing they learn and know about what they hear. Life has to go on and unless you are blessed with a large home or have no children, etc. this is a reality.

    1. Thanks for your comment, Mia. Sure, it’s very hard to completely avoid anyone hearing things. I’ve stayed in parts of the world where many people live in a cinder block huts, with thin dividers making up the rooms. There is no complete privacy. You just do the best you can.

  6. I realize this may be off topic but what about a verbal rebuke, should this be always private as well?

    1. I sometime give a formal session involving verbal correction and this is in private. However, as far as passing verbal corrections, sometimes it has to be done in public, since it’s immanently needed. I keep it brief, but I will do it. I have also given warning in front of family when it was called for.

  7. Busy Dad Avatar

    I’m in complete agreement and I hope there are not many husbands out there trying to justify exposing and embarrassing their wives for sexual gratification. Marriage is the most intimate and privileged relationship, and as part of the rights that husbands and wives have regarding each other’s bodies, the wife has a right to hold her husband to a high level of confidence regarding all intimacy.

    1. I respect your views on this Sir. This is exactly how my Husband feels aswell. While he owns my body and can use it anytime, he knows it’s because I trust him 100% to keep our intimacy private and noone will be witness to my spankings or intimate acts.

  8. LH Lipsett Avatar
    LH Lipsett

    I am very glad to read this article. I am not keen on the wife being spanked because she is a woman and fallen at that ( men are also fallen as Adam did eat the fruit too..he could have refused. Eve was tempted by the devil and Adam only by a *lowly* woman) but have children and outsiders see any part of the discipline is simply abhorrent. I somewhat favour agreed upon discipline because it will end strife and wipes the slate clean so there is none of the ‘remember when you got drunk last week’ sort of recollections. I don’t remember ever in 70 some years ever being spanked, however I do remember times when I should have been. Too late now as I am a content widow.

    1. Congratulations on your very long and happy marriage, LH. Even if you never were disciplined that way, I am glad you can see some of the benefits that come with spanking. It does put things quickly in the past, and helps out a log of marriages that way. I felt this article needed to be written because I hear about public spankings too often for comfort, and I needed to put up a clear response.

      The topic of why Adam bit the fruit is very interesting. It is a mystery. We really don’t know that he was tempted by Eve, but he may have been. He could also have been weak, and chosen to listen to his woman over God, and simply been afraid to lose his woman. Another option, which is mentioned even in some ancient Jewish commentaries, is that Adam chose to do evil so that good might come of it — he bit the fruit so he’d be cast out with her, and then have a chance to save her. It was still wrong, but he may have had Christ-like intentions.

      Be very blessed.

  9. Nehemiah Avatar

    When we were among other people we know to be spanking practitioners and my wife sassed me, I did spank her in front of the others. Over her clothes and just a few swats. She learned her lesson and later when the others were gone, she got her real spanking, skirt off and with a paddle. I will not tolerate sassing, and since we were in front of others who understand I wanted to nip it in the bud then and there. I do not believe I did anything wrong and nor does my wife.

  10. This needed to be addressed Aron. I am on other sites and this has been a conversation. Punishment and Discipline is so personal, intimate and should only be done in private between Husband and wife.


    1. Thank you. I definitely felt it was needed.

  11. Whilst I think the swinger stuff is inappropriate on a Christian forum at least it is consenting adults. The most horrifying issue is the involvement of children (both child and adult offspring), I have had to stop following ‘Christian domestic discipline life’ because of some of the awful things I have read. Whilst I think you are probably right and it’s fictional I still do not want to read it. Even on here i have read some worrying comments; offspring spanking mums, bathing them and even checking their pubic hair! This is not only not Christian but it is against even the most basic of secular morals. It is abuse of the woman and the mother of your children.

    1. Thank you for your comment, Richard. I see problematic things in the comments as well, but I only keep out or edit the most extreme. It definitely harms family relationships to have children involved at all. There is one popular discipline blog that currently involves a “polygamous” relationship, although I don’t think that one purposes to be Christian. I would not expect anything like that from a Christian site, but no one owns the word. Be blessed.

  12. Caleb Giese Avatar
    Caleb Giese

    Agree and disagree. I agree a woman should never be punished in front of her kids. But as far as being spanked in front of others, I don’t think we can draw a hard line about that. It all depends on the context and the relationships of all involved in a particular spanking situation. Remember, we are not very far removed from the days when bosses spanked secretaries and female employees, pastors spanked women in church ect ect…. And thats not fantasy. Thats well documented stuff.

    Now….that said…I agree that most of what we see online is fantasy. I absolutely HATE when fetishists try to take over forums dedicated to real dd with their insane stories. I wish there was some way to expose those people so that they would stop. I mean, theres a zillion spanking fantasy sites out there, so I dont understand why the fetishists have to infiltrate into our community. Drives me nuts.

    Anyway, I don’t have anything against a woman being spanked in front of others in certain situations. Again, bosses used to spank female employees in front of others. And it was no big deal. But I think there should he a line. A woman shouldn’t be spanked in front of someone she don’t feel comfortable with, especially children. But if some guy allows his girlfriends boss or pastor to spank her, its their business.

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      The number of fantasists is a problem, and there’s no real way to avoid it. If they just wanted to write fiction, all they have to do is announce it, and go to a site for fiction. It is deceitful and wrong what they do. However, with some experience, it’s not hard to get an idea what the norm is for discipline in marriage, and to ignore the more obvious and ridiculous fantasists. Over time you build relationships with those you are confident are for real, and you can learn a lot.

  13. The problem Caleb is that spanking involves an intimacy associated with sex and sex absolutely is between a husband and wife only. This is what the problem is. My father in law was fairly open about the use of spankings and he was my mentor after Jane and I were married and to be truthful even before , though I never spanked Jane until some time after we were married. My father in law would have never condoned me spanking Jane before we were married which BTW I had zero interests in doing I actually thought at time it was totally crazy at that time. But as you point out , correctly I think , there is not necessarily a connection between correcting a misbehaving women and sex. Mixing a correction with sex was not a practice I think my father in law ever practiced I don’t think it would have ever occurred to him, as least as a far as I know. I began to use corporal punishment to correct Jane before our first child and it was never a secret from our children that their mother was spanked by me. However, I never made it a point to spank Jane in the presence of the Children , especially when they were very young and as they got older they knew they had better vacant themselves from the location where Jane was going to be corrected. The thing I didn’t do was make it a big secret that their mother was spanked which understandably is the practice in many homes where wives are spanked today, because times have changed. . I think when Spanking a disobedient wife was more accepted as it was in the 19th and early 20th century in America , secrecy wasn’t really necessary, but a proper decorum was surely observed in any Christian home.

  14. Spanking your wife bare in public (Infront of friends and church folk) or have her perform a sexual act of any kind is not only ungodly it’s humiliating and degrading. I’d seriously be questioning the legitimacy of the CDD marriage it might be a DD marriage or even fetish BDSM if that’s the case there should be some sort of safe word or Clause because it’s immoral and disgusting. My HoH would be very hostile toward any men who treated their wives in such a way. As a Lecturer/Teacher he has seen things in the World and even within so called Churches where Women are subject to humiliation by the Parents/Husband’s or Children in the family. So I’m very thankful he is so strongly against this. I’m glad this blog is focused on Christian teaching before anything else.

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