When to Pause or End Spanking

Perhaps one of the hardest decisions to make is deciding if spanking needs to be done away with. It’s a big marriage decision to start it, and just as big a decision to step back from. I obviously think spanking is excellent, and helpful for couples in most instances. However, spanking can also carry unique challenges for some individuals, and can be applied wrongly. Just as some marriages find they need it over time, others find they should not be using it over time. What qualifies for the latter? For what reasons might spanking be given a temporary moratorium, or ended as a practice?

Clearly, one of the biggest reasons is that is has proven it does not help. This is especially if it hasn’t done good over time, even when various adjustments are made.  A wife is not improving in her behavior or attitude. She may be becoming worse. Years have passed and she is not growing in submission. Spanking should result in improvement over time, even on the scale of years. I and many readers would testify to this. However, that’s not always the case. If it is ineffective, then at the minimum I would say this justifies putting a pause on it, and working in other ways. Granted, if there is no improvement, it’s always possible spanking is NOT at fault. A husband might be making other mistakes. He could be doing a poor job of instructing her, in feeding her spiritually, in being a godly example, in showing love and affection. It may be these things which need to change and not the method of discipline. However, assuming he is generally leading and loving well, has already tried making adjustments, then if spanking is not working it makes plenty of sense to try other methods.

Another reason to pause or end spanking would be illness, debility, or age. I am not a medical expert, but certainly there are medical conditions which would make spanking considerably more dangerous than it normally is. The danger in spanking is normally minimal, and if done responsibly, while it causes pain, will not lead to serious injury or long-term damage. However, any number of injuries could make spanking severely more painful, or damaging to bone or tissue. Age could also make the body far more sensitive to a serious paddling. Most of us don’t normally go to a doctor and ask if it’s safe to spank a woman with a medical condition, so clear answers could be hard to come by. Do your best to do your own research, and learn from others who have dealt with similar situations. Be aware of your wife’s feelings and new sensitivities if she ends up with a medical condition, or as she ages. It is best to be safe, and avoid possible harm.

You might also pause or end spanking because it’s been overused already. Some husbands punish for so many things, that a wife can be overwhelmed and be afraid of making any mistake. Punishment has lost its real purpose in correcting behavior, and simply is something that seems to her randomly applied. She can’t do anything right. She fails to learn. Spanking has replaced words, where simple words might be needed. If a woman has been treated too rigidly, or harshly over time, it may be good to simply return to regular teaching, and verbal correction for a time. Those are normal modes of leading, and allow her to get accustomed to submitting without constant worry. Verbal correction can still include non-spanking discipline, and sexual service for a wife to show her good submissive attitude. Too frequent punishment ends up defeating the purpose, and harming the relationship. I’d recommend pausing it for a while if it has caused such an overly legal and punitive environment.

These are several main reasons to step back from spanking your wife. It’s possible there are others. Ineffectiveness, health, and misuse stand out as the most prominent. In my view, stopping the practice really only amounts to a pause. That’s because I see the husband as carrying the right to discipline as he sees he needs to. So even in a marriage without spanking, or one that has ended the practice, he may use it if he needs. It comes with being the husband. He also has all the other tools available to him to lead, including disciplining his wife in non-corporal ways. Guiding her is his responsibility, by whichever method is best. Spanking has shown it can tame an unruly woman quickly, with good hard swats on her bare behind. It does not tame everyone, and despite its attraction, is not required.


20 responses to “When to Pause or End Spanking”

  1. Long Time Practitioner Avatar
    Long Time Practitioner

    My 1st wife was spanked when needed and very seldom after the first few years. She knew when she was getting close to getting a welted bottom and adjusted herself accordingly. We were married for 27 years and her last spanking was probably 2 years before she died. Her last several spankings were hand only which got the message across to her. I can say she was probably spanked every couple of years for the last 10 years we were together…. My current wife on the other hand has required much more spanking but that has tapered off as she has learned her limits. I did get some backtalk from her over Thanksgiving and that will be addressed tomorrow after her out of town family goes home. She will receive a good spanking and already knows it is coming. I am sure she will be very contrite and willing to behave when it is finished.

  2. As a wife, I can’t imagine spanking not working. Yes, during illness or bereavement, it doesn’t have the same effect.
    The time out before or after a spanking helps me get into the correct frame of mind. When he speaks after the spanking, I know I need to listen to what he is saying in order to behave properly.

  3. Hello Aron,

    My husband and I are just beginning our marriage, and I’m very thankful that my man has fully embraced his role as my leader and disciplinarian. The further we walk down this path together, the more convinced I am becoming that his loving oversight of me will keep us close while around us, other, more liberal marriages will fail. I feel at peace under his watch, and I thank God for his strength. Accepting his spankings and allowing myself to be humbled before him has opened my heart to a deeper and more mature love. As I lean into true submission, I can feel myself growing into the woman I’m meant to be.

    All of this is a long-winded introduction to my real question. My husband and I hope to be blessed with many children in the coming years, and I worry about how pregnancy may interfere with the rhythms we’ve only just established in our lives. I’ve broached this with you privately, and you were kind enough to share your advice, but it’s been very much on my mind lately. I appreciate having firm boundaries with clear consequences. I’ve wanted a marriage founded on discipline for a very long time, and now I finally have it. My man has blessed me with exactly what I need, and I don’t want him to feel he has to go soft on me once we’re expecting a child. I’m going to need his strength and guidance throughout my life, especially as we transition to a family of three.

    But a mother shouldn’t put her needs ahead of her child’s. Sometimes I think that makes me selfish. I’m asking here because it’s not like I can ask the doctor if I can still get spanked. I was encouraged that you didn’t even mention pregnancy in your article as a reason to put spankings on pause. Clearly, once there’s a “bump”, he can’t exactly put me over his knee. He might choose more strokes at a lower strength, but he could still spank me to tears, right? As long as the baby and I are doing well? I enjoy the release of the tears, and I feel like I need the grounding effect. It’s always very painful, but it’s also like an emotional reset. What if I turned into some kind of bossy, pregnant bully? Barking orders at him because I’m too big to get up and do it myself? Knowing he can’t touch me because I’m carrying his child. I would want him to keep me in line for the sake of our marriage. I’m probably way overthinking it. I just wanted some reassurance that other ladies have had good, hard, proper spankings during pregnancy without harming their child. Maybe I’m just not ready for the responsibility of motherhood. Being the best wife I can be for my man is occupying all of my waking thoughts. I love him with my whole being.

    1. Hello Sophie, It’s definitely a subject worth giving some thought. I do think you are worrying unnecessarily over it. You will handle it fine, and your husband will make the judgment calls as to how to discipline during pregnancy. We’ve talked a little before about the different views on spanking during pregnancy, but in my experience it does not need to be especially light. It can be a solid spanking, and bring to tears.

      I don’t believe you will turn into a bossy woman during pregnancy, even if your husband’s guidance is needed. You’ll do your best to maintain the right attitude. You will find some challenges there, as all women do, and be overwhelmed with the awesomeness in participating in God’s gift of new life.

      I know you must really be looking forward to it.

      1. Thank you, Aron, for your kind reassurance. I was a bit silly to let my worries overtake me so easily. My husband, too, was quick to reassure me when I shared my fears with him (I never post here without his knowledge and permission). He allowed me to go ahead and post my question, as other wives may have similar thoughts, and this is such a rare source of high quality information for those who practice marital discipline. But you’ve both now reminded me that he is in charge, which is of course one of the many wonderful benefits of this way of life. There is peace in knowing this decision isn’t even mine to make. My man just chuckled a little at my questions, gave my bottom a little squeeze, and told me he’d be the judge of what I needed and how much I could handle. It’s ridiculous, of course, to think he would ever do anything to put either me or our child at risk. I am relieved to hear that he agrees with you, though, in that a baby won’t be hurt if his momma needs her bottom paddled, anymore than he would be harmed when we make love. The baby will be safe in my womb. Once again, I am reminded to relax and look to my husband for guidance. He will always lead me in the right direction.

    2. Surrendering Tess Avatar
      Surrendering Tess

      Hi Sophia,
      I’ve only just read this now, and you’ve probably already eased your worries about this. Still, I just wanted to chime in as a fellow wife and as a mother, there is no problem receiving a hard spanking during a normal pregnancy. Baby is safe within your womb, and your behind will most likely even have more padding than usual 😂😉 Depending on your doctor, you might want to consider the timing of disciplinary sessions that leaves marks so that you don’t have to face any questions of abuse etc. It may also be smart to not do too heavy sessions right before due date, but a hand spanking to get a point across works as a temporary solution.

  4. Good morning Aron. I spanked my wife after reading much of your material, but Im struggling with finding the proper technique for OTK spankings. I prefer otk and hand spankings (instruments arent for me, I prefer the more intimate and natural hand), but it seems a little awkward and difficult to spank her with enough force. She has a high pain tolerance. How do you spank firmly and hard? What is the proper hand positioning and technique (cupping hand, flat hand, wrist or no wrist movement, how far back of a windup) and whats my leverage point (the elbow or the shoulder)?

    Some insight on this would be helpful. I dont want to “practice” on her as I feel that would desensitize the intimacy and seriousness of a discipline session.

    Thanks in advance Aron, and blessings from the lord.

    1. Hello Hayzor, Thank you for visiting my discipline site, and for your question. I’m happy my discipline site helped you learn to use spanking in your marriage. I don’t think it’s avoidable to do some amount of practice or experimentation with your wife. There will always be things to learn, as well as a few changes you might like to make. You’re both learning.

      I definitely agree that hand spanking is very personal, and I like it for that reason myself. Yet the reason I don’t often do it is because of what you mention — it’s not easy to give a harder spanking that way. That’s why instruments are so common in marital spanking.

      As far as perhaps getting your hand to spank harder, you might try a few things. I’ve heard the flat and solid hand posture is able to give a more powerful punishment. Also, some men who work outdoors and don’t use gloves develop very thick skin on their hands and fingers. That makes their skin closer to leather, and they can deliver a harder spanking with the hand that way.

      You may also try using more of your full arm motion, rather than just one joint. With various kinds of activities it is advantageous to use more of the body to get more force into an action. So I’d see the use of the entire arm and shoulder as stronger than just one joint. I tend to think a bit of a windup would also create more force than a swift, short swing, unless you are very strong.

      I think you may find eventually that instruments are simply necessary for some spankings. Without being able to use great force, a hand simply doesn’t do what a paddle or cane does. It’s not meant to. I would advise experimenting from time to time with instruments, when a spanking really needs to be harder than usual.

      It’s up to your judgment of course. I hope it goes well. You’re free to share updates with us here, or write to me personally at my e-mail.

      Take care.

  5. hello Sophie. I am from Poland, so sorry for the spelling mistakes. I have always dreamed of a relationship dd. Unfortunately, my husband is not dominant. After I got married, I asked him for a spanking and he did give it to me, but not as a punishment. I was still naturally submissive then. My husband kept saying that she would not be spanked when she was pregnant. I thought that I would not be able to survive for so many months without a spanking, but unfortunately I fell ill at the beginning of my pregnancy with a spine and lay down the entire pregnancy. After my pregnancy for about 4 years, I was rehabilitating until my spine was finally operated on. After pregnancy, my pain threshold dropped significantly. Now my son is 8 years old and I still have a low pain threshold. I asked my husband a year ago to go back to the spanking, but this time in the form of a dd. Even a spanking is hard for me. So many years of hiatus did their job. If you get pregnant, you can go without a spanking if you have to, because it’s a mother’s instinct. You’ll be a good wife without even getting spanked.

  6. I would also like to thank Aron for the blog. I live in Europe and dd is not practiced or recognized here. I have no one to talk to about dd. I really want such a relationship, unfortunately here the culture of upbringing is different and women are treated equally with men. There is equality and we both have to work. I would like to live in a country where dd is not a taboo subject. You are lucky enough to live in America and come true. I envy you and I pray every day for a true relationship dd. My husband spanking me but he’s not very dominant. He doesn’t want to punish me on his own. He treats the spanking more as fun for sex than as a punishment. I let my husband read your blog and I hope he learns.

    1. Hello Mala, You’re welcome. I’m very glad the website has been helpful to you. I passionately believe in headship and discipline and would like to see more couples have it in their marriages.

      I would think there is marital discipline going on in private, even in Europe. It’s just hard to connect with people who do it. I also am confident that people can learn the rightful roles of men and women, even when their intellect has been taught something very different. It is a part of our souls, and our minds can grasp it as well, if they are free from an ideology of egalitarianism. Many of my readers come from Europe, including high numbers from the UK, Germany, and Poland.

      I know it is hard when you are waiting for your man to embrace discipline, and you feel that you need it. Believe me, it can take years, but many men come to appreciate it. Much comes down to understanding their real authority, as well as being unafraid to give a solid and fearsome punishment. Those are two major hurdles.

      I do think some of the articles can help him with just those matters. Keep being patient, and don’t be shy about explaining why you need it and how it is good for you. Thank you for writing.

  7. MeekMissy Avatar

    When we go to the beach my HOH spanks me in my more private area instead of my bottom because in the past our friends could see my bruised bottom and I said I fell down skiing but I think everyone secretly knew I had been paddled. Out of respect for me and my HOH’s decisions, I am OK with being spanked in my private area… He said it is safe the way he does it and even though he doesn’t go as hard as he does when he uses the paddle on my bottom, he goes for longer (using a hairbrush) and it actually does have an ache that helps me behave better…. It is in an area that we reserve for intimacy though too but it’s not arousing at all because it hurts A LOT!! Later when he takes me in bed though it is soothing and I think because I’m a little swollen I am actually more tender and feel better for him. I don’t know if that sounds weird at all?! I read your post about only spanking on the bottom….

    1. Hello Meek Missy, I strongly recommend only spanking on the bottom, or a little on the upper thighs. Other parts of the body really aren’t built for that, and what you describe sounds dangerous. The bottom can take a good, long paddling, and suffer no serious injuries.

      If you are worried about showing off marks at the beach, I would either wait to go to the beach, or wait to do the spanking. We don’t really worry about it though, since we believe in modesty, and will dress modestly around bodies of water as well. No one will see my wife’s marks on the bottom.

      1. MeekMissy Avatar

        Well I’m not running around in a thong or anything and I wear a sarong but my husband wants me to look cute on the beach and bruises do show on me at the edges when I’m swimming or in the sun…. If I ever get into this situation again I’m sure I can handle it because he knows what I can safely take. I don’t want to bring it up and have him think I’m questioning his disciplinary role…. Who knows, I might not ever need another one though, at least that’s my goal.

    2. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

      Hello MeekMissy,
      Their is a few modest clothing sites that have Coullette swim wear they are very comfortable and nobody will see your bruises at the beach ⛱️ and you stay modest instead of showing your skin off. I hope this helps you out. Have a blessed day,

      1. I purchase these swimsuits for myself and my daughters. We love them. They are a bit expensive, but what I do is spend the winter saving a minimum of five dollars per week. By the time we needed them, I usually had enough cash or the amount I needed was negligible enough to manage.
        They now can order online, it seems. When I bought mine and the ones for my daughters, I had to call in the order.

        1. Thank you for your suggestion. It’s important for a woman to present herself modestly in public, and that definitely includes the beach.

  8. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

    Aron I enjoy reading your comments I always learn something from you. I am also very modest my husband doesn’t care what I wear but I always have, I am a lady and I feel I should always be covered up well at the beach or any public place actually. I have no tattoos either, I know alot of women who do these days, but I have never desired to have 1.

    1. Thank you. I’m very happy you practice modesty. Modesty both pleases God and shows respect for womanhood. It manifests the modest and gentle heart that a woman has within her, and is very beautiful. Women attract the wrong kind of attention when they refuse to be modest, and create the wrong kind of environment.

      It’s best to be without any tattoos as well, since God gave us this body, and we shouldn’t feel the need to alter it, except for healing purposes. God made no mistakes when he covered us with skin, instead of with pictures.

      Bless you.

  9. […] it is so much connected to a desire for order and accomplishment. If anything, I would recommend putting a pause on discipline if seeking out high levels of pain is what she finds in it. Similarly, men may be […]

Leave a Reply