Taking the shift from modern western values to traditional ones, which respect the spanking of wives, will require adjusting much in your lifestyle, your attitudes, and your language. There are things from the past which will carry over well. There are practices which will naturally have to end, or simply become more subdued. If your attitude is that a husband or wife are basically just best friends, or buddies who have sex and emotional closeness, at times it can seem like a bucket of cold water to taste living in headship and submission. Some of the fun you expect will be less lighthearted. Some of the banter becomes more respectful. If you suffer disappointment because you don’t have the same gregarious kind of fun — like two guys from a football commercial, or the modern couple full of cute gender-related put downs — you should know there is nothing to be disappointed about. That kind of relationship is not ultimately what a marriage is about. You are losing something lesser, to gain something great. Let some of that go — even if you still feel longing for it — and embrace what you have been given.
The expectation of a buddy like friendship is a wrong one to have in marriage. There is nothing like learning headship and submission to reorient you away from that. Spanking clearly takes you away from living in that territory. You don’t feel too much like a buddy being lectured seriously, having to kneel as to a lord, then being bared and spanked. You don’t feel like a buddy when setting the rules for the home, and supervising your wife’s behavior. It’s not something to be made light of either, since the standards of the household matter, they affect our lives, and there is harm if we drop them. The humility and shame that comes with being spanked isn’t in our sights if our expectations are leisurely. Marriage is not rooted in personal friendship, but in the mission to bear and raise children, and model Christ and the Church, to bless the world in each of these. It is rooted in a man’s clear authority and a wife’s submission, two moving in harmony this way, reflecting Christ’s benevolent protection in the husband, and His people’s gentleness and faith in Him as she follows without resistance. Fun and pleasure come in marriage as a purely secondary effect, and not as an end goal. We are on a mission together. It requires hard work, overcoming obstacles, and spiritual battle. It should not be characterized by cute banter, and a lack of seriousness. It is characterized by virtue and nobility, and the fruit of the spirit.
Young couples who have conformed to the mold of the society have seen examples of couples that insult each other, or make fun of each other. They take this on as an expectation, and learn the habits of complaining about the other’s weaknesses, or joking about the other’s sex with cute sexual stereotypes. I see very little room for that interaction in a good marriage if we remember what marriage is about. Neither husband nor wife would want to disrespect their loved one, even under the guise of humor. Often that humor portrays men and women in the wrong way as well, gives a green light to ridiculous stereotypes, and makes conflict in marriage look normal and fun. Why make fun of each other? Social models of this kind of fun also give the advantage to the woman, and while she may be made light of in a few regards, it is the man who is made to look stupid or arrogant, at least if you let modern attitudes guide you. No wife should want to disrespect her husband, even is she plays it off an unoffensive, or very common humor. Husband and wife’s words toward each other should be very different. They should reflect their loving union. They should show honor to each other — as the leader toward the man, and as the weaker sex toward the woman — and care about the good of our beloved.
A lot of westerners, including Bible believing Christians, like to tell men — uh oh, now you did it, you’re gonna get in trouble with your wife. This alone upholds the expectation that a man isn’t really head of the home and should fear his wife. People may hide behind the fact it is humor, but that changes little. It assumes that a man ought to fear his wife, which is wrong on multiple levels, and programs people to forget what the man’s role really is. Men internalize this, and even say — I’m in trouble with my wife now. It’s a dumb, running joke that degrades marriage. Humor about women focuses on silly and less threatening things, like insisting on having the toilet seat down, or spending too long to get ready. While not as insulting, this is a shallow expectation to have of women, much less of your own wife. Some of those joked-about behaviors are real, and a husband can simply correct them if they become a problem. That may not be very funny, but it is in line with how a marriage works, and how problems get solved. That’s much better than inventing little conflicts to have, and then putting each other down.
That’s not that you can never make a joke. What matters most is that it’s not something that is objectively disrespectful, or that you know offends your spouse. It’s not a put-down under a pretty facade. This is especially true of a wife, who should be ashamed of ever dishonoring her lord. It can take knowledge of your spouse to get to that point, but common sense will take you a long way as well. If he doesn’t like it, then don’t say it. If it wrongly represents what it means to be a man or woman, a husband or wife, don’t say it. My wife and I like to remember funny misunderstandings we have had, or the small eccentricities in the other, but it’s done affectionately, and it offends no one. It neither misrepresents what it means to be husband and wife, nor makes the other the butt of a joke. Most basically though, even if you are not sure what is inappropriate, is use your attention and your language to honor your spouse. This will take care of nearly any problem. I don’t think Christ expected us to spend much time making cute jokes about our partner, when He gave us the sacrament of marriage anyway.
I have heard from a handful of couples who find they miss out on some of the attitude the wife formerly had. Even if they experienced problems from her attitude, and desired to correct it, it was an interaction they were familiar with and had grown fond of. Arguing had entertainment value. Some women put a lot of style into starting an argument, or trying to tell their men what to do, and it can provide some limited excitement to have it that way. But a woman with lip is not something to miss. Despite its entertainment value, it is wrong, and it sets off bombs in the marriage. Just as a Christian learns to let go of past habits and language when he starts to live life in the spirit, a couple will have to let go of some past interactions in their marriage. They are a part of the inharmonious past. Replace those interactions quickly with the right kind, and learn the satisfaction therein. There is rich rewards in living as lord and helper, rather than two cutely bickering people, or two loudmouths. Bring honor, respect, and wisdom to your words. Over time, you will miss the old way less and less.
I’d add that not only does spanking not do away with any fun you can have, but it lets you better know how to do it. It helps teach where the lines are. It can help a woman know what border not to cross in her language. She will be able more comfortably to joke, because she knows it is innocent, and not tainted with foolishness or disrespect. It has purified their communication. It can help a man also, since he has seen his wife humbled and in tears during her correction. He knows to be tender with her and supportive to her, and not worry that her words will seek to undermine him or attack him. He knows he carries a big stick, and can speak quietly and lovingly most of the time. There is no threat there. He also knows her better and more deeply, and would not want to ever step on her sore spots. I’d say spanking allows the fun man and wife have to be closer to what it should be — which is within the limits of love and respect.
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