Fear in Spanking

The aspect of fear is present to some degree in any discipline system. Facing a spanking can be a trial, both because of the coming pain, and because of the ego being taken a step down. It’s one reason disciplined wives try to avoid a spanking, and one reason it is a deterrent. A hard time over her husband’s knee ought to spark some level of fear. Some couples find that fear is the negative in the system, perhaps dampening their ability to talk through a problem, or inspiring a woman to be dishonest to avoid discipline. They look at the possible negative results of fear, apart from the positive, and wish this element away. They may reject discipline entirely for this reason. I would say rather that fear is unavoidable in any discipline, and in the long-term is a positive, despite being inherently hard to handle.

Many people expect marriage to be a casual friendship, and for matters to always be mutually talked out. This can lead to some wrong expectations, including this wrong expectation: that fear cannot come into play. But of course it can, if one is faced with punishment. Fear is not the purpose of marriage, and should not reflect the overall spirit of it. A wife should not need to fear her husband daily. However, if you do evil, there are good reasons to be afraid. If you have earned a punishment, a punishment itself is generally worth fearing. If it’s not, it won’t be much of a deterrent. The husband is not a casual friend to his wife, but a lord to her. Just as Christ is Lord to the Church, promising both love and brotherhood, and also the torment of fires for those who do evil. A husband does the right thing to punish wrongdoing, and he must. In fact, if the lord of the home didn’t care if his wife misbehaved, he would be an uncaring, apathetic, or weak lord. Those are hardly positives. Nor does apathy in the face of evil amount to love. So while many things in marriage are talked out, and while friendship is one level of the marriage union, fear can have a natural part to play if a wife behaves badly. It is short term. It will be over soon. But it’s there for a reason, and it should be there. You just need to face the fear, confess your wrong with an apology, and accept your husband’s discipline.

There is also the possibility that fear may inspire a woman to lie to escape getting in trouble. She otherwise would not have lied, but because of a possible discipline she chooses to. It is indeed a risk inherent to fear, but not one that greatly damages discipline as a whole. Any discipline system will inspire some fear, and hence open the door to possible dishonesty. A criminal may choose to be dishonest to avoid the arm of the law. A child may lie to his parents to avoid getting caught. Yet the benefits of discipline, spanking or otherwise, are good enough that it continues to function as it should, regardless of this negative opportunity. We don’t drop our criminal code because evil doers might lie to law enforcement. Similarly, we don’t drop discipline in the home for that reason. A woman who respects her husband and who takes her roles seriously — both as a woman of God and as a submissive wife — will never lie to her man. She knows that is both sinful, and that it greatly disrespects him as her head.

Most husbands will also punish lying more harshly than other misdeeds. It is up near the top. For this reason, it is unwise to try this to avoid punishment. I have only had to spank my wife one time for lying, and it was based on her fear as well. She lied because she thought she’d get spanked. As it turned out, it was something that I probably would not have punished her for, but now I absolutely had to. I explained that to her, and also made sure she made a confession to God for lying, since unlike breaking other regulations, it is sinful itself. Lying got her into much more trouble than she would have been, and she ended up with a long paddling that left her sore for a week. Before I had her go over my knee I asked her — did lying get you out of trouble? She answered no. Did lying create more trouble for you? She said, yes sir. Then she had to receive the consequences.

There is a connected question of whether a woman is obliged to tell her husband if she did something wrong in private. Naturally, she may not want to tell him, if she suspects a spanking will become involved. While no one on earth practices total and complete transparency, and while we don’t ethically need to reveal every detail of our behavior, if a wife has a confident idea that her wrong violates her husband’s instructions, then she should tell him. She should admit it, apologize, and let him handle it. He is responsible for correcting her, even if he does not see everything she does. A virtuous wife will admit her wrongs, and this helps her husband do his job in overseeing her, including his job in correction. It’s possible a private wrong was not serious and won’t result in punishment, and it’s possible it will. But she should be forthright if she thinks it’s among the behavior he handles.

In facing fear of punishment, it’s important to remember what is much more to be afraid of. The dangers of the bad behavior are far more harmful than a spanking. The dangers of conflict in marriage, or a separation are far more worthy of causing fear. Even the consequences of serious resistance or running from a punishment themselves end with worse results than a tanned bottom. The punished wife, however fearful of being spanked, needs to bend over with the full knowledge that what she’s about to get is the least of harms out there. It is just as well. It will bring peace very soon. She needs to remember the pain, chaos, and conflict caused by her behavior, and accept the sting of the strap as a very minor taste of what could have happened otherwise. It is the least thing to be feared.

I know fear is much maligned. I know it is hard to experience the foreboding of a coming spanking, alongside the mystery of what will happen. A woman might feel some queasiness, be deeply ashamed, or be in tears thinking about it. Her situation unpleasantly brings her guilt to the forefront. However, those difficult feelings are not the disease. The wrongdoing or possible rebelliousness is the disease. A punishment is a part of the long-term healing process, as is the uneasiness of anticipating it. The spanking is the medicine. The most important thing is not trying to avoid your responsibility, or thinking of ways to get out of it. It’s in facing up inside to your wrong attitudes and wrong choices, and knowing your husband is working to heal you. You will feel peace shortly. You will feel free of guilt shortly. Let it inspire real remorse, and take full responsibility for your unfortunate situation. Confess. Offer your apology. And let your husband handle you.


37 responses to “Fear in Spanking”

  1. I’ve been facing a lot of problems with my wife, she missed church last Sunday to watch TV, I went to talk to the pastor, and he said that as a husband I should better guide my wife, since then I’ve been looking for ways, and I’m considering the spanking and a rules list, my wife was disciplined by her father as a child, so spanking is not entirely foreign to her.

    1. Good. I would make sure she knows you are her authority very soon. Not only does she need to obey you, but she ought to be godly enough that if you didn’t tell her, she would want to worship at church on her own. Your spiritual leadership is primary. A Cohen is a high priest.

    2. In my house skipping church means a Commandment Discipline, because it’s breaking a commandment. That means a long spanking, some time sitting on a hard wooden chair copying out the commandment, and a long belting before an early bedtime. It’s just one of the ways my husband provides spiritual leadership and guidance, and when he scolds me for this sort of breach he makes sure I really understand the importance of following the Lord’s commandments and my husband’s rules. The Lord says, “If ye love me, keep my commandments,” and I try to remember that every day. Thorough scolding and a sore bottom when needed are important parts of my husband’s spiritual guidance, and they help me to be a good Christian and a good wife.

  2. What church denominations believe in spankings? It would be interesting coming from someone single to know who would like a Christian DD home.

    1. Hello, Thank you for your question. I do not know of any individual denominations that openly sanction spanking. In fact, even when individual ministers sanction it, in this culture, they would tend to do so privately, because they would receive too much criticism to do so openly.

      There are still many Christians in the West who use marital spanking, and you’d find they come from a variety of denominations. Even some liberals, whom you wouldn’t expect, have privately discovered the purpose and usefulness of spanking. Online seems to be the easiest way to meet them. In other cultures, you’d find many more who do so, and speak about it openly.

      There have been a few prominent ministers, in America at least, who have openly endorsed a man disciplining his wife. However, they endorse non-corporal forms of punishment, such as taking away the car keys, credit card, or phone. You’d find several respected Reformed ministers who promote this, and who have been willing to accept criticism for it. But the culture would be much harsher on them if they promoted wife spanking.

      1. Thank you for responding… So I will never be able to find a mate it feels. I’ll continue to pray and seek his direction. Thank you. God bless.

        1. My pleasure. I am confident you will be able to find a spouse, unless you have a unique calling to be celibate. Many Christians still believe in traditional marriage, even in this culture. Don’t be discouraged.

          God bless.

  3. Wondering Avatar

    I guess I don’t really have anything important to say. I agree with everything you said. But I did want to add another reason, although it’s not an excuse, why wives lie. But, I think sometimes we are embarrassed at even ourselves for acting or doing something. Like… loooong before discipline was even a “thing” in our house, I know there were times I didn’t even want to admit when I did things I knew my husband wouldn’t like. It wasn’t because I feared being in trouble. It was because I felt guilty and stupid for even doing it. Anyway… good post. And yes, women need to be honest, no matter the consequences.

    1. Thank you for your insights. Yes, simple shame and embarrassment can be a motivation for lying too. Plus fear can lead to other poor reactions besides lying. Any wife should learn to be just as ashamed to tell a lie, as to do anything else wrong. Lying is a severe breach of trust, and very disrespectful. I know you will take honesty seriously.

      1. Wondering Avatar

        Yes, sir. You’re right. Even by just omitting the truth, it’s being dishonest. It IS just as wrong as whatever you did to disobey.

  4. i have a question about spanking at home. My husband and I have been practicing domestic discipline for years now. We have a son and a daughter. I wanted advice on what is an oldest age a son should be spanked, and what about daughters? Next should daughters be spanked by their fathers and if so, how much clothing is appropriate for such a spanking?

    1. Hello Tracy, I do not discuss spanking of children on this blog, except perhaps to mention it in passing. I don’t generally have strong opinions on it either, except to say that it is good for parents to use corporal punishment. If you’d like to write me personally, I’d be happy to discuss it.

  5. Hi Aron,
    I just read your blog on finding a spanking partner and I hope you don’t mind if I leave a comment on it here.
    I read and absorbed your comments on relationships that don’t lead to marriage.
    I am on a track to serious commitment and I have been shown how godly submission makes a relationship work best.
    My problem is that I also model bikinis as a profession. The money is good and gives me flexibility.
    My partner has no issue with it, but I wonder if it is godly to continue after marriage?
    As you say, at that point my body is for my husband?

    1. Hello Lucy, Thank you for your question. I do not believe in immodesty either before or after marriage. It creates a more carnal world, and creates a lewd environment for everyone. All women should be modest, even for their profession.

      However, after marriage immodesty is especially dangerous, since it provides to others what only the husband should see, and makes a public spectacle of his wife. It makes a taken woman a desirable sex object. I would seek out a modesty of the heart, and of appearance, and live by it daily. It is worth changing your lifestyle.

      Modesty also produces true beauty, which is one of meekness of heart, holiness, and gentleness. That beauty is a light far more rich and powerful than the appeal of the flesh. That’s if it comes from the heart and from godliness.

  6. I thought of some initial rules to start a system of discipline with my wife, and I would like the opinion of more experienced people: 1. do not miss Sunday service, 2. make dinner at least 5 times a week, so as not to lose the privilege of the day outside, read at least 5 pages of the Bible a day, watch TV only after finishing housework, 6 wear skirts below the knee

    1. Hi, That’s a good idea to look for feed back on your discipline system. I think those ideas look fine, although naturally they can’t be exhaustive. The most important thing is that you are setting standards for the home that help your wife with virtue, and with running the home. They aid her in being submissive, modest, responsible. That’s a great place to start, and you’ll find over time that you add to or adjust your rules. Your wife will also gain familiarity with your expectations, and find it easier to meet them over time. I hope this goes really will for you in your home.

    2. One thing that always helped right from the beginning was to make my menu plans every Sunday evening for the upcoming week. I always bargain shopped, so we always stretched dollars enough to make George Washington beg for mercy. Breakfasts were pretty standard, oatmeal or eggs (usually oatmeal on weekdays) and everyone was responsible for his own lunch (I packed my husband’s lunch, usually leftovers from dinner as entree with a yogurt or homemade kombucha and some fruit), so that meant only dinner really needs to be planned. Crock-Pots are truly a gift from heaven, especially once you have children, you can also stretch meats very well with a Crock-Pot — and these days with these prices it’s essential, although meat is usually your most expensive food budget item anyway. Also, pick one day to do all the shopping helps, but it took me a while to manage that, and sometimes you just run out of things — like milk, etc., so I would plead that one show a little grace if she forgets something or you run out of something in the middle of the week if you’re trying to cut down on the driving (for obvious reasons).

      I enthusiasticallly recommend this amazing lady:
      for lots of great advice from a stay home Mom who has raised and homeschooled her family and is now in the “Grandma” stage of life. I had her site bookmarked when all my kids were small and relied on her for advice on everything from homeschooling to organizing to cooking to you name it. Whenever I had a question, she had the answer. She has excellent e-books on budget stretching which I printed out and used to death. 🙂 Mrs. Miller is the greatest! 🙂 I had to recopy the booklets finally because they got so dog-eared and stained…

      Hope that helps. One thing I was talking to our ladies’ auxiliary group about is that the girls aren’t taught how to keep a home anymore and it is HARD if you don’t really know what to do and when to do it. That’s why so many of them are overwhelmed and why they complain today about how their husbands “don’t help”. We have the help, actually — we have dishwashers, clothes washers and dryers, vacuum cleaners. We just have to implement the plan, and you need some help getting the plan situated. And, of course, with small children and babies, things don’t always go according to plan. That’s where it really helps to have a husband who is in touch with the family needs — and I think that’s where the firm, in-control discipline comes in, because he can tell you what the priorities have to be, and then if you get scatterbrained and off the priorities, he puts you back on the track, and sometimes that is best accomplished by the application of a strap or paddle to the erring wife’s bottom…it’s like the guard rails on the freeway when you are approaching a hairpin turn. Let’s hope you don’t need them, but sometimes you do, and when you do, it’s good to konw they’re there.

      1. When you are just overwhelmed and going a little bit crazy, you have your man there to be that rock-solid wall you can lean up against and feel the strength. Mostly all it takes is some good loving. But there are those times when you are just plain out of control, and that’s when he warns you that you need to shape up, and sometimes, quite honestly, we just can’t seem to do that. Usually at that point, that’s when you have a mouthy, disrespectful, yelling wife who is screaming at a husband who is doing his best to just ignore it. And that’s when he needs to simply take her by the arm, and give her the paddling that she desperately needs.

        I was just in the grocery store this afternoon, and saw quite the scene between a couple (or rather, the wife was making the scene). She obviously did not care who heard her, and it was hard to not stare at them and pretend not to be aware of it at all. This whole episode was taking place while I was in the check out lane, which was quite crowded, and so many of us were doing our best to ignore it. The couple was finished and left before I got to the cashier, but the man in front of me was referring to the woman with a word which was not very nice, but we all could sympathize with it. I didn’t really contribute much, but I did finally say something about how my husband would not permit such disrespect from me or my children. He sort of raised an eyebrow, and didn’t say anything, but then later said, “Wow, that’s something, he wouldn’t permit it?” And I said, “Oh, no. He’s the head, and we respect that authority.” There was a young man as cashier (summer job) and he stopped for a minute. There was another lady behind me and she went livid, and seeing me in a skirt, said something about the skirt-wearing conservative Republican voting women who aren’t making a peep about the Supreme Court leak and all these women are going to die because we live under the patriarchy, blah, blah, blah, and the guy in front paid for his groceries and left, I paid for my groceries and left, and so on goes life….

        ….life which could be so much better if…..

        1. Thank you. People need to know that there are husbands who do not permit that disrespect from their wives. No marriage has to be like that. I’m sure if any of the wives here stepped out of line that badly, they would regret it quickly, and avoid that kind of trouble again.

      2. Shropsgirl Avatar

        See I don’t see this as a gender issue anyway. My brother and I were talking last night that we were raised to be polite and respectful to everyone. The woman in the grocery store has clearly been poorly raised to behave like that and so has the man to accept it. He needs to know his worth as a human! Even as a submissive wife I would never have married a man that was disrespectful to me, discipline yes but never disrespectful. Everyone should be polite and kind to everyone else.

        1. Thank you for your comment. Yes, everyone should show kindness and respect to others. One’s sex doesn’t change that. However, the experience does relate to gender in the sense that a wife doesn’t just disrespect another, but disrespects her loving head, whom she has special need to honor. There is something especially unnatural and even treasonous to disrespect your head. Moreover, as a wife, it is her man’s responsibility to correct her, and not be silent. No one else has the authority to formally correct her. Those elements of the scene certainly relate to gender.

  7. Dianna Kizer Avatar
    Dianna Kizer

    Hello Sir Aaron, It has been a long time since I have emailed you on this site. Fear of the coming spanking is alot to absorb for the submissive wife, even tho I know I deserve a spanking its still hard to process and especially when its time to recieve it!! He makes me bend over the bed bare bottomed so he can see how red its getting in spots and then moves around to get it all even and sometimes he will switch implents if he thinks I need a harder lesson. I had to confess to him last night that I think I need a spanking because I still haven’t done something I was suposed to do yet. Procrastinating is my downfall and I think I am getting 1 tonight when he gets home. He never spanks me angry anymore. He texted me earlier and said we need to have us a little meeting of the minds. I know exactly what that phrase means!! Thank you for your articles, I read every 1 of them.

    1. You’re welcome. So very glad you find them helpful. Confessing that you need a spanking will help your husband give you the guidance and correction you need.

  8. CoTxGrl83 Avatar

    As a punished wife I absolutely fear getting a spanking. I fear The pain, the feelings I have before hand. I fear letting my husband down, and having to say out loud that I did in fact do something I knew was wrong. I would like to say it’s not fear of my husband. As any woman who gives her husband full reign over how things are handled in the home it is impossible to make that work if you did not trust him or if you were scared of him. I think most men who turn out to be the best leaders not just over their family, but in general are extremely fair and very unemotional when it comes to handling the ones under them. They are not interested in having to do these things, but as a leader it’s part of their job. I feel that from my husband. With that said, he is not afraid to hold me accountable, to make sure I verbalize what I chose to do, that I knew it wrong, and that I knew it was punishable in our home. Once he calmly established that he will then tell me we will be talking as soon as possible. Once those words are spoken I do immediately feel anxious, afraid of having to submit myself to a painful punishment. I feel guilt and awful to let my husband down. I think as a human being it is really hard to be able to admit when you are wrong. Most of us can, but this is a time where you are going to be completely submissive and acknowledge your wrong. We all feel badly when we have done anything that doesn’t feel right or that we know is wrong. If you are in a DD marriage you feel guilty AND afaraid. Guilt alone does not always stop us in the moment, but as a wife who gets spanked, and spanked hard when I do make choices that are just wrong WILL stop you. I try Very very hard to live my life as the best human being I can be. Best mother, best wife, best friend. I try to do what is right because it is right, not because I will be punished. In the event that I fall back to old ways and get super sassy and a rude attitude if I feel anxious or stressed, or raise my voice for any reason then more times then not the fear of a spanking will stop me in my tracks, if not a fear inside my own heart, a simple “you need to watch yourself and go get yourself together” will. In the rare time that is just can not get it together, can not calm down and handle my stress in a healthy way instead of taking it out on others I will be told to go downstairs immediately or will be told we WILL be talking later. Fear of a punishment will stop me like nothing else can. When we get into stresses we tend to go back to ways we learned as kids or younger on how to handle them. Some of us work very hard and are able to make changes on how we behave, but in the hardest times we revert back. Fearing a painful spanking, is another way to put a “safe guard” in place to help stop you in those moments.
    Fear based lying can be a thing, but almost all of the time it is a helpful tool in tough moments.
    I have lied to my husband too in bad and weak moments. I did end up telling him the truth and just like Aaron’s wife’s situation I was punished MUCH MUCH harder than I would have been, if I would have even been punished. I’m sure he made a deal out of it to make it very clear dishonesty about my behavior is not acceptable in any form. Lying no matter what is major major in our home. So doing something that I know is not okay, then lying is basically on of the worst things that can happen.

    Overall if I was not afraid of the times I have to wait for a spanking I do not think I would have been able to leave so many habits in my past. Habits I hated, that I wanted to work on and change about myself.

    So overall, fear is an important aspect of living the DD life. That fear would be put somewhere else if it wasn’t a spanking. It would be fear of divorce, your husband pushing away from you, finding other ways to handle not having control over his wife…. I would take a spanking over those, even though in the moment I feel like “oh my gosh I can’t do this!! I can not take this!” My husband always tells me and he is right, “Oh yes you can and yes you will!” After it’s over, it’s over. The fear is gone, thr guilt is gone. We are completely back to a place that is joyful, full of love, and happiness!!

    1. Sophia Avatar

      I always relate so much to your posts, CoTxGrl83! I need spankings to leave my worst habits in the past. My husband knows this, so he sets both rules and consequences. In the rare moments when I let myself get childishly rebellious and say things I shouldn’t, a hard spanking resets my emotions in a way I’ve never experienced. My anger and my fear are gone, I feel cleansed, and all that’s left is the love we have for each other.

  9. I didn’t really have much to say until I was informed I forgot to pay a bill this morning. That issue is the main reason, I believe, that we began DD. I haven’t had it happen since last fall and I am both mortified that it happened and that I could have done such a thing knowing the consequences. The office called to let him know it was late so I could pay before cancellation. I know he was embarrassed, as well as angry at me. Our credit and reputation is very important to him and the business. It is something he stresses in outlining my responsibilities. I have been doing so well with a submissive and soft heart, pleasing him, taking care of projects I’m working on at home. This error makes me so upset with myself. I am fearful today. I am trusting and contrite, remorseful and prayerful. I am doing all I can to prepare for what I will face. But, I am fearful and will show reverence to him as he corrects me to make certain I find a way to ensure it never happens again.

  10. Sophia Avatar

    When I think of what I fear most, it is losing my husband and the family we are building to divorce. I shared those fears with my husband before we married and asked that he used his headship to guide me down a righteous path, despite my inherent weakness. I knew I needed his strength and leadership to be the best wife I could be. Submitting myself to his will requires deep trust. I have to know that however difficult his punishments may be, they are administered as part of his great and abiding love for me, which will always lead me in the right direction. I am grateful that God has delivered me into my husband’s strong hands.

    But my deep respect and love for this man does not mean I don’t feel real fear when he bares me for his belt, and I don’t know that this fear will ever go away. It’s never once prompted me to lie to avoid a spanking I’ve earned, but it does bring tears and sometimes I offer excuses, even though I know I shouldn’t. Sometimes I reach back or try to wriggle away, but I’ve learned the hard way that this just makes things worse. But just as I know my husband loves me, I know God is showing His love in the ways in which this fear softens me as a woman and opens my heart to my man. First, the fear, together with the stinging pain and lingering soreness, help me to follow the rules set for me by my husband. They help me to hold my tongue when I’m tempted to let anger or rebellion get the best of me, which creeps up on me sometimes. Mostly, they help me take responsibility for my duties in the home he has provided for me. Fearing another punishment means I also fear disrespecting my husband, which is exactly what is expected of a godly wife. Second, my fear adds genuine weight to my husband’s authority. He is not a man whose words are ignored in his home. He does not have a wife who rolls her eyes behind his back. His decisions are honored, and our friends and family can see that he is the undisputed head of our marriage. (I know he takes such pride in this!) Finally, my fear deepens my respect for him, and quite honestly, my physical attraction to him. My husband is a man, in every way that God himself intended. He is glorious to behold. Even though he’s spanked me far harder and more often than I expected he would (though I did indeed deserve it), I quiver at his touch. I crave him in my life, and I would never trade that for a softer man who would let me disrespect him for fear of “hurting” me. I’ll still squirm inside and cry bitterly when I know what’s in store for me, but I’ll always choose my husband and the protection he provides.

    1. Thanks for your comment, Sophie. Headship and submission make for a peaceful and joyous marriage. They make discord far less likely. But even when a marriage is doing poorly, divorce should never be an option. Christians unite for life and have one spouse. Divorce is far more devastating than even the harshest punishment, whose pain is over fairly quickly. It harms children and grandchildren down through the generations, and inspires people to violence, murder, and suicide. The family unit is not meant to be torn apart.

    2. CoTxGrl83 Avatar

      Your description is so well written, and I identify with every single word. I feel everything you have shared deep in my soul. Thank you for writing how fear work in your relationship. It is so similar in our life, but I certainly do not have the talent you do in writing.

      1. Sophia Avatar

        You are so sweet, CoTxGrl83! I feel a connection with you every time you comment. It’s clear you have a strong man in your life whom you both fear and respect. I don’t have other girlfriends I can talk to about how much I enjoy being disciplined, even though it’s hard. It’s why I’m so glad that Aron has established this place for Christian couples. Blessings to you and your husband. How lucky he is to have you, when so many other women wouldn’t let him be the man he’s meant to be! Aren’t our men glorious and deserving of our respect? I know I’m living the life God intended for me, serving my amazing husband!

      2. I can’t explain why, but I’ve felt a connection to you and Sophia as well as I’ve been reading all these posts this week! I would love to connect.

  11. I know in my heart that’s it’s wrong to do bad and then hide it from your husband, but I get so afraid because I know what’s going to happen. So, in my marriage I got in trouble a lot for hiding things. It’s scary, you know you’re going to get punished It’s going to hurt a lot but then I get caught anyway, because Bob is too smart to fool. He always catches me doing something wrong. But there’s always that hope that he won’t find out, and too east to think that way. I think you have to fess up when you mess up and take your medicine, you’re probably going to get punished anyway, so be honest.

  12. I was spanked (or smacked, as we called it in my British family) extensively as a child. I remember the dread, sweating, nausea, twisting stomach before the event. The tears and the panic. Fear, basically. And if I was tempted to misbehave in future, oftentimes it was the memory of these feelings that would make me think twice, rather than the memory of the pain of the smacking.

    My father understood this, and he would intentionally ramp up the anticipation aspect of my discipline, as a means of making it more of an ordeal for me. He understood that the psychological aspect of a smacking was perhaps more important than the physical.

    I can say with confidence that I never once feared my father himself. I feared the consequences of my actions, which would be delivered by him. I feared disappointing and angering him. I feared facing up to my wrongdoing (I knew it was earned, which made it more difficult, as I knew I had no-one to blame but myself!).
    But did I fear my father? No, never. I felt deep respect for him. I felt reverence for his authority. I felt comforted by the fact that he cared about moulding me into a good person. I felt safe.

    This is why I have absolutely no qualms about making my wife feel fear. I know she is capable of differentiating between the fear of a sore bottom and the fear of me myself. Like my father, I too prolong and emphasise the anticipation aspect of the spanking, as I know that it makes it more significant as a punishment. It makes it a more valuable DETERRENT for future misdeeds, and that’s what it’s all about.

    I do feel guilty sometimes, at seeing the woman I love look fearful. At seeing her tears and watching her in pain. But it is my duty to correct her and to guide her on a righteous path.

    Currently my wife is crying in the corner, hands on head and bottom cherry red. She will remain this way until we leave for church at 10.30am. She will sit on the wooden pews on a sore bottom. She will be reminded of the pain of her misdeed. She knows it is her own fault, for having to be told repeatedly to get off the phone and get showered and dressed for church. Her sister – who she was speaking to- doesn’t know about our lifestyle. And so I didn’t say a word about spanking, in case she overheard. After repeated reminders to hurry up, I simply walked in and placed the paddle on the coffee table. The look on my wife’s face at that moment was one of fear. And one of realisation of the severity of her misdeed. Disobeying me repeatedly. Not taking joy in her preparations for church. Exceeding her weekly phone allowance. Unacceptable behaviour. And so she deserves to feel fear. She deserves to feel pain in her bottom. She deserves the feelings of dread, shame and rue. She knows she has earned this and now she is answerable to my earthly authority.

    I know what will be in her mind all day is the anticipation of the second spanking she may or may not receive this evening. That FEAR is the most powerful lesson for her. My boyhood taught me this. She will be made a better person for her discipline, and we both know this. Fear is a necessity for this to work.

    Ultimately fear makes my wife feel safe. She knows that she is cherished and loved. That she is answerable to a higher earthly authority. That her husband cares enough about her to discipline and teach her. Keep her on a righteous path. Fear and love go hand in hand.

    1. Thank you for your comment. Fear has a right place in the marriage union, even if it is not the ultimate goal. An evildoer ought to fear the law. Someone tempted to do wrong ought to fear the consequences. You explain its rightful place very well.

  13. babycheeks Avatar

    Fear has caused me to lie to my husband throughout our 20+ year marriage, but it wasn’t getting a spanking that scared me. I have been afraid to tell him things because he would turn away from me, and give the silent treatment whenever unhappy with me. This always triggered in me the deep-seeded fear of abandonment leftover from childhood.

    He and I have committed our lives to God this year.
    Through our new church and pastors, we have gained a better understanding of what the proper roles are of a man and woman in a marriage. I am “NOT the boss”.

    Through your writings, we have been encouraged to embrace those roles and the structure CDD brings.
    It has been a few months since we implemented our contract, and we already know this has forever changed our lives. Nearly every aspect you have written about has come to pass for us in this short time.

    One major difference is the importance of honesty and trust between us has come to the forefront. It is precious and necessary to always be truthful with each other. I have repented, and am now learning to catch myself before telling a lie, or to confess immediately when I do and accept the consequences from him.

    Facing a spanking, even one that leaves my backside sore through the next day, is WAY less scary than facing him shutting down and pushing me away. On the other side of a spanking, is a husband who loves me deeply and will forgive me. On the other side of silent treatment, is a husband who resents me and may leave me.

    1. Thank you for sharing the news. That’s really great to hear. Thank God that you have dedicated your lives to Christ. That foundation in God’s truth and love sets everything else in its rightful place. It provides healing and guidance to us.

      I am so honored to be able to help you embrace your roles, and the use of discipline in your marriage. The loving discipline of a wife is certainly far preferable to the silent treatment, or to constant arguments. I hope you both are deeply fulfilled in your new life. May your marriage be blessed.

  14. Heather Avatar

    I’ve been thinking of this verse and it seems it fits well on this thread.

    1 Peter 3:5-6 ESV

    “For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.”

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