Besides faith, trust is perhaps most core to a traditional marriage. To practice headship, submission, and the discipline that comes along with it requires trust in God and in your spouse. Both man and wife have an easy ability to do wrong, to cause harm, to intentionally slight the other, and even to dynamite the marriage, at least in it externals. You’ve got to trust the one you’ll be doing it with. More greatly, you’ve got to trust in God enough to follow His plan, and rely on Him for your marriage, rather than on your own ideas and personalities. Trust probably should be been among the first ten articles I put up here on my marriage site, but better late than never.

Most people think of trust only in terms of the woman. She’s the one who will need to let her man lead in all things, including things she disagrees with. She’s the one who will need to face correction. However, trust is needed equally by the man. He needs to trust his wife to learn and grow from his leadership. He needs to trust her to accept correction willingly, and to give up any rebellion she has. He would surely be very critical of himself if she did not grow as a wife, and never learned to submit. If she refused his leadership, or rejected womanly virtues, it would be to his shame. No man wants this.

He needs also deeply to trust her to refrain from any of the worldly reactions to his leadership. Those worldly reactions are poison to him and to the marriage. She could, on a whim, choose to accuse him of abuse. She could without any cause, or with a cause, civilly end the marriage by divorce. We would all be anxious wrecks without trust, and a man would never be able to sleep soundly without knowing his wife is a godly woman who will not make accusations against him. If she does, he likely has little legal recourse, and in most divorces, the wife is heavily favored. Without godliness on her part, he would never be secure in his role as head, or in his marriage.

A woman needs trust in her husband for similar reasons anyone under authority does. What if he misuses it? What if at the minimum he doesn’t really know how to lead, and can’t provide for the home? At worst, what if he is evil, and seeks to harm her? She needs to trust that he won’t use his authority in totalitarian ways, not letting her speak, or share an opinion, or have her own projects. She might wonder many “what if”s to herself, about all the areas she may need to obey him. Will he intentionally degrade her? Live to humiliate her? The husband has raw power to do this, if he were wicked, and she is the weaker one.

Likewise, with discipline, she doesn’t know for sure what will happen. It may be uncommon for husbands to use restraints in marital discipline, but even without them, she is in a very vulnerable position. She is naked. Bent over. Not permitted to get up until he is done. What if he goes to far? What if he loses control? Her bottom is already burning and she’s asking herself if she can take much more. A wooden paddle can be one step less frightening than a baseball bat. The one who wields it needs to be aware of what he is doing, and not act with maliciousness. A woman who bares herself to be spanked need to trust her husband immensely, and do so every time. She needs to know what she’s receiving is delivered with love. It’s for her own good.

The list of reasons a husband or wife might have to fear is much longer. These are a few of the most significant. But a man and wife must choose trust before fear. Marriage of any kind is impossible without it. Remember, even if traditional marriage has its own unique need for trust, we are trusting all the time, and with success. We lay down each night beside someone who could, at will, kill us in our sleep. But we sleep soundly, minus those insomniacs out there, who don’t sleep for other reasons. We see each new day, not having been murdered at our most vulnerable, when we were unconscious, without an ounce of awareness of any threat. We experience benevolence daily from our spouse, and even when there is difficulty, it is usually the passing kind.

For those who got married with a partner they took time to know well, this also helps in trusting, even when they feel hesitant. Knowing your spouse’s character, and having experience with them, leads you to realize they’re not going to use a situation to harm you. They seek the good for you. They give themselves to you. After years of marriage you may have had experience already with correction, and that past experience lets you know what the norm is, and that discipline works without either the wife rejecting it, or the man losing control in it. If their character and spirit is good, they are not going to destroy their marriage because of their anger, or because a problem arose. They work things out with love. They know the other does not have ill will.

One of the simplest ways, and best, to cast out fear and maintain trust, is to realize you cannot be in control of everything. You just have your job to do, and responsibilities to fulfill. No one can be so in control that a wicked person won’t choose wickedness anyway, or so a discipline always goes without mistake. Obstacles will happen in every marriage, and there will be hurdles to overcome in instituting leadership and submission. There’s no point even trying to control to the degree it is flawless. You just do your part and do it consistently. There is great peace in the soul when you understand it’s not all up to you, and you don’t fear another wrongdoing or mistake. Do what is within your control. Sin and error will always happen, no matter what.

Trust in God for your home. Follow God’s design for marriage, obey Him, including when He commands us to forgive. Do your responsibilities as a husband or wife, even when it’s hard. Let that be the rock of your marriage. Know that it works. God’s pattern for marriage is successful. There is great instability, and naturally fear, if you are trying to make marriage according to your personal desires, or make it about wish fulfillment. You are further putting yourself at risk, and reason to fear, if you rely on a heightened attraction to be your bond, and not the spiritual bond God gives us, which lasts for life. Trust in God is primary, before trust in another human being, including our spouse. The inability of a man-made marriage makes it difficult to trust. The solid foundation of God’s design breeds contentment, peace, and trust.

You can find most articles on this website organized loosely by subject on the About Page.


11 responses to “Trust”

  1. Wondering Avatar

    Another great article! And yes, I agree… trust IS a major part of marriage. If you don’t have that, it makes everything harder. Thank you for posting!

    1. My pleasure. I’m very glad you enjoyed it.

  2. As usual, this is a very good article. My wife trusts God and she trusts me. She doesn’t like it when I tell her to take off her clothes for a spanking, but she is an obedient wife and trusts that I know best. After she has recovered from the spanking (usually less than 30 minutes) she respects and adore me more than before.

  3. For women like me, who tend to be prone to worry, a husband’s commitment to and understanding of the scriptures is so grounding and really grows trust. Marty, truly desires to live with me in an understanding way. When he has to pull me aside for discipline, it’s easier to believe that, he’s disciplining me because he wants me to be my best self. There is strength in the discipline but it is framed in a real desire for me to be healed; like a surgeon wishes healing for his patient. A man who truly desires to imitate Jesus doesn’t just change behavior, he heals hearts. And who can help but trust a man like that.

  4. Sergeant Avatar

    It has been a while since I have participated in the comment section, but at this time, this article really touches a truly important matter into a couple’s live.

    As you said it yourself Aron trust is perhaps one of the most important foundations of a solid relationship. One might live a lifetime with another person and yet not trust them at all, while others even at their darkest won’t break your marital intimacy and secrets to bring you down, because even when they feel wronged they trust you to keep your vows and principles. It’s safe to say, trust is probably the most delicate of the feelings, once broken it might never be fixed again, but if the foundation of trust built over time, consistency and love is strong, it can be rebuilt and flourish again.

    Recently I have been closer to my faith and that has been bringing me clarity to see things in the light of trust in what God is capable of doing. Naturally, as you engrave the trust in God and his lessons into a child, for example, they’ll grow to build stronger relationships between one another. And building and rebuilding trust on another being requires patience and dedication. Never forgetting that trust is a two way road and for it to work one has to trust to gain trust.

    In discipline is like teaching a small child, the differences in touches and showing how based on care for the greater good those only apparently cruel actions actually are. That said, it is a mistake to rush into it, it needs to be done slowly and calmly to bring the woman into building this trust inside of her, as one built in themselves the trust that she’s not out get them at their first dark moment.

  5. I really love all your articles. I struggle with being a submissive and obedient wife, but I find reading your blog is very helpful.
    I love this article about trust. I feel that I sometimes struggle to trust that my husband knows what is best for me, especially when he disciplines me. I am naturally very rebellious and I know I need strict discipline, but it is very hard to accept in the heat of the moment. I hope I will be able to trust him completely all the time.

    1. Thank you, Jennie. I understand it’s difficult. Much really comes down to stepping down, admitting you’re not in charge, and trusting in your husband to do it. As you learn to give up that control, it will become easier with time. It can be very satisfying to be led by someone else.

      1. Thank you for responding! I know I have a strong will to be in control, but I do recognize it as a problem. My husband is very helpful in my struggle to be submissive. He believes in maintenance spankings and when we do them twice a week it’s very effective to help me keep a submissive mindset. I don’t like getting them but they do help me to stay away from needing more serious corrections as often as before. I just wish I could let go of my control issues whole heartedly, my husband deserves a good obedient wife.

  6. For me, it’s hard to fathom how this level of truust can develop between anyone. My father did not have enough moral authority to be trusted with punishing his wife for the right reasons. I’m upset that he was ever allowed to “punish” myself or my siblings either, now that I know what was in his heart. I’m glad you didn’t get burned, but I wish you would mention those who have more often so that people could see both sides of the coin.

    1. Hello Emily, Thanks for your comment. I am aware that some people use their authority poorly. I make note of this in my writing, and have several articles specifically pointing out what I find to be misuses of discipline in general. I also teach couples to practice the right balanced, self-controlled, and loving form of discipline.

      However, the possible misuse of authority does nothing to take away its importance, or the value that comes with discipline. Many men and women find the trust necessary to practice discipline in marriage, and to reap its benefits. Like I pointed out, getting married in the first place, and committing yourself for life, requires significant trust, and this should not stop anyone from doing it. Likewise, discipline is very valuable in the running of the home, and in keeping the right order in marriage, so it is strongly recommended.

      I’m sorry if someone you trusted misused their authority. But remember, all authorities get it wrong sometimes. Moreover, countless couples also misuse love, misuse affection, misuse words, and misuse kindness, so ultimately anything can be used wrongly, causing harm.

      I believe you can find trust in your heart, despite any experiences you’ve had from the past. We cannot live without it.

  7. I think you just got to trust in God. The Lord puts our husbands over us to teach us and sometimes they have to spank us when we mess up. Husband’s understand things we can’t, it’s not our place to question our husband. Every Christian wife should obey their husband it’s what God says we must do. If you don’t trust what God says, then you can’t trust anything. Bob is my Lord on earth, but God is my savior and Lord in Heaven. God gives Bob the right to lead me and punish me if I mess up, it’s not my place to question this. I wish every wife knew this

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