Besides faith, trust is perhaps most core to a traditional marriage. To practice headship, submission, and the discipline that comes along with it requires trust in God and in your spouse. Both man and wife have an easy ability to do wrong, to cause harm, to intentionally slight the other, and even to dynamite the marriage, at least in it externals. You’ve got to trust the one you’ll be doing it with. More greatly, you’ve got to trust in God enough to follow His plan, and rely on Him for your marriage, rather than on your own ideas and personalities. Trust probably should be been among the first ten articles I put up here on my marriage site, but better late than never.
Most people think of trust only in terms of the woman. She’s the one who will need to let her man lead in all things, including things she disagrees with. She’s the one who will need to face correction. However, trust is needed equally by the man. He needs to trust his wife to learn and grow from his leadership. He needs to trust her to accept correction willingly, and to give up any rebellion she has. He would surely be very critical of himself if she did not grow as a wife, and never learned to submit. If she refused his leadership, or rejected womanly virtues, it would be to his shame. No man wants this.
He needs also deeply to trust her to refrain from any of the worldly reactions to his leadership. Those worldly reactions are poison to him and to the marriage. She could, on a whim, choose to accuse him of abuse. She could without any cause, or with a cause, civilly end the marriage by divorce. We would all be anxious wrecks without trust, and a man would never be able to sleep soundly without knowing his wife is a godly woman who will not make accusations against him. If she does, he likely has little legal recourse, and in most divorces, the wife is heavily favored. Without godliness on her part, he would never be secure in his role as head, or in his marriage.
A woman needs trust in her husband for similar reasons anyone under authority does. What if he misuses it? What if at the minimum he doesn’t really know how to lead, and can’t provide for the home? At worst, what if he is evil, and seeks to harm her? She needs to trust that he won’t use his authority in totalitarian ways, not letting her speak, or share an opinion, or have her own projects. She might wonder many “what if”s to herself, about all the areas she may need to obey him. Will he intentionally degrade her? Live to humiliate her? The husband has raw power to do this, if he were wicked, and she is the weaker one.
Likewise, with discipline, she doesn’t know for sure what will happen. It may be uncommon for husbands to use restraints in marital discipline, but even without them, she is in a very vulnerable position. She is naked. Bent over. Not permitted to get up until he is done. What if he goes to far? What if he loses control? Her bottom is already burning and she’s asking herself if she can take much more. A wooden paddle can be one step less frightening than a baseball bat. The one who wields it needs to be aware of what he is doing, and not act with maliciousness. A woman who bares herself to be spanked need to trust her husband immensely, and do so every time. She needs to know what she’s receiving is delivered with love. It’s for her own good.
The list of reasons a husband or wife might have to fear is much longer. These are a few of the most significant. But a man and wife must choose trust before fear. Marriage of any kind is impossible without it. Remember, even if traditional marriage has its own unique need for trust, we are trusting all the time, and with success. We lay down each night beside someone who could, at will, kill us in our sleep. But we sleep soundly, minus those insomniacs out there, who don’t sleep for other reasons. We see each new day, not having been murdered at our most vulnerable, when we were unconscious, without an ounce of awareness of any threat. We experience benevolence daily from our spouse, and even when there is difficulty, it is usually the passing kind.
For those who got married with a partner they took time to know well, this also helps in trusting, even when they feel hesitant. Knowing your spouse’s character, and having experience with them, leads you to realize they’re not going to use a situation to harm you. They seek the good for you. They give themselves to you. After years of marriage you may have had experience already with correction, and that past experience lets you know what the norm is, and that discipline works without either the wife rejecting it, or the man losing control in it. If their character and spirit is good, they are not going to destroy their marriage because of their anger, or because a problem arose. They work things out with love. They know the other does not have ill will.
One of the simplest ways, and best, to cast out fear and maintain trust, is to realize you cannot be in control of everything. You just have your job to do, and responsibilities to fulfill. No one can be so in control that a wicked person won’t choose wickedness anyway, or so a discipline always goes without mistake. Obstacles will happen in every marriage, and there will be hurdles to overcome in instituting leadership and submission. There’s no point even trying to control to the degree it is flawless. You just do your part and do it consistently. There is great peace in the soul when you understand it’s not all up to you, and you don’t fear another wrongdoing or mistake. Do what is within your control. Sin and error will always happen, no matter what.
Trust in God for your home. Follow God’s design for marriage, obey Him, including when He commands us to forgive. Do your responsibilities as a husband or wife, even when it’s hard. Let that be the rock of your marriage. Know that it works. God’s pattern for marriage is successful. There is great instability, and naturally fear, if you are trying to make marriage according to your personal desires, or make it about wish fulfillment. You are further putting yourself at risk, and reason to fear, if you rely on a heightened attraction to be your bond, and not the spiritual bond God gives us, which lasts for life. Trust in God is primary, before trust in another human being, including our spouse. The inability of a man-made marriage makes it difficult to trust. The solid foundation of God’s design breeds contentment, peace, and trust.
You can find most articles on this website organized loosely by subject on the About Page.
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