Why Prepare for Discipline Before Marriage

Considering how deeply entwined that discipline is with authority, and also how unfamiliar many couples are with discipline today, it is imperative the establish that discipline will be a means of enforcing authority before you are married. You need to have that little talk no matter how awkward it seems. That is not to say it’s impossible to start it after marriage. I have worked with a number of couples who started discipline after many years of marriage, and to confront some problems they faced in marriage. I’ve heard from other men and women who describe the same process. However, the advantage is always to plan beforehand that the husband can use discipline, and that spanking will be an accepted form of correction. 

The most obvious reason to plan before marriage is that in this culture, there are many women who will reject the idea of being punished by their husbands offhand. Once you’re married to such a woman, that’s a great deal of trouble to work with. She has already planned and committed herself to rejecting her man’s correction. If a woman rejects being corrected, for practical purposes she is rejecting authority, and that will always cause problems in a marriage. A man does not want to have a meaningless form of headship going into marriage. Establishing his right to correct his wife from the start assures they both know his headship is real, and obedience is not optional. She should give her full informed consent to being disciplined just as she does to marriage, as they go together. This avoids what could be a major fight later on over the very same topic. When you plan for marriage, plan to have a discipline system. I do not recommend marrying any woman who does not understand she is under your headship, and she must accept discipline from you. You would be marrying into defiance. 

Another reason to establish and practice discipline from the start, is that correction is being done from the start too. A woman’s is being kept on the right path, and is being turned away from wrong behavior, before those behaviors become habits, or they become worse. Her attitude is kept in check as well. She is learning to be humble and meek enough to be verbally corrected and spanked, which will help keep her soft to her man, and help her follow him more easily. If you start years later, there is much more of a hump to overcome. There is more unlearning to do. There is much more attitude to confront. Likely you will face more direct resistance from her. A man should use spanking from the start of his marriage to maintain his wife’s submission and correct her wrongs. He should see steady growth from there, despite passing obstacles. 

To flesh out a point I make above, preparing for discipline before you are married, basically prepares you to understand what headship and submission are. To go into such a relationship with a watered-down form of headship, ultimately risks a very disordered marriage. It sets the pattern for unclear headship by timid men who will not command their wives, and sets the pattern for partial or conditional submission, which is half-hearted and only nurtures a woman’s pride. At heart, it also damages her ability to respect her man, due to his weakness and her lack of full obedience. A neutered authority and superficial submission are a weak foundation, and show a lack of knowledge of marriage, which will surely affect other aspects of home life.

It is also natural in any process for the major growth, and innate obstacles to be dealt with early on. A wife who is spanked from the start of marriage has already faced her fears about being spanked, and about being led. She has likely overcome some of her false pride by being humbled and accepting firm guidance. She has a certain level of confidence in her submission. The process of learning is usually toughest at the start, and it’s wonderful and relieving to get that out of the way early, rather than to keep putting it off. The early process not only builds humility and courage in the wife, but also builds trust and intimacy which come with the correction process. She will grow as a woman and find she is better able to please her man, and that she soon needs spanking less often. Growth should not be put off, but the seed planted, watered, and given light. 

This kind of planning lays a good foundation for your future marriage. Being in agreement on a discipline system avoids possible resistance later, gets a wife on the right track from early in a marriage, and assures that both husband and wife have a clear understanding of their roles, and do not need to make major changes later. It allows discipline to do what it does best, which is bring peace and avoid conflict in marriage from the start. New couples considering marriage need to overcome any hesitancy in speaking about discipline. You will have to embrace what this culture wholly rejects, and you will be greatly rewarded for it.


Comments

21 responses to “Why Prepare for Discipline Before Marriage”

  1. I’ve always been pretty defiant. That said, I told him before we got married that I wanted to be spanked. He just thought it was a weird kink of mine. But if he had sat me down and been like, “I do plan to spank you, you will listen to me, and if you don’t, I will make sure you think the better of it,” I would definitely have accepted it. I’m pretty sure we could have been spared a lot of arguing and my defiance would have disappeared.
    Starting before the kids arrive (or while they’re still too young to know much about what is going on) probably has its benefits for laying a foundation of headship/discipline too.

  2. Ryan1896 Avatar
    Ryan1896

    Aron, at what point in a dating or courtship should one bring up the topic of discipline? I’d be nervous about bringing it up too early such as a first date but don’t want to wait until engagement or too late into the relationship. Do you think it’s appropriate to just come out and say “By the way, I’ll be whipping that butt as soon as you disobey me?” Or perhaps one should be more subtle about the subject?

    1. One can be a bit more subtle, of course. Naturally, on a first meeting you do not even know if a person is marriage material for sure. You need to get to know that person first, and eventually be discussing marriage in detail with them.

      I believe once you see that they are a good potential spouse, and things appear to be moving in the direction of marriage, that is a good time to bring up discipline. I have several articles on the topic of how to introduce it, which may vary a bit depending on whether the man or woman brings up the topic. However, a discussion of headship naturally brings up what will happen if the wife disobeys, and that is a good entryway into the conversation.

      It’s best to be settled on all the core elements of marriage, before bringing up the topic, but I would not set too strict a timeline. If it comes up earlier naturally that’s probably fine.

  3. Thanks for this very good advice Aron,

    In our case, by the time we were engaged, we understood that I would be in charge and that she would obey. We did not discuss what would happen when she disobeyed or otherwise misbehaved. It did not take long after our marriage before I realized that a physical consequence was required to improve her behavior. She resisted that at first, but eventually learned that spankings were necessary for her and for our marriage.

    If I had been clear on the consequences of disobedience before marriage, it would have made our early years much smoother.

    Eric

    1. You’re welcome, Eric. I’m very glad you like the article, and appreciate the point about preparing for discipline early. It does save a lot of trouble.

  4. I remember reading something about how all couples should try going camping before getting married because you can tell a lot about how your partner handles stress, the unexpected, planning, see how they treat you when they’re hot & tired etc. I think this is great, solid advice – the ultimate test drive. Spanking should be talked about extensively if you plan to include it in your marriage. Having her bend over for a few paddle swats when you feel she’s earned it is a good way to show how things will be. Obviously not naked until after marriage but a little practice would make everyone feel more comfortable I think.

  5. Valerie Avatar

    This is why it is so important to raise children in this way! My daughters know that they will get married and be under their husband’s headship and my sons know that they will be expected to lead their family! My kids don’t know I am spanked but they KNOW that mommy is under daddy’s command and that daddy is the leader of the house. They know that I will get in trouble for being mouthy or unGodly. I have to apologize and make family confession just like they do when I stray!!!! If, when my children are older and ready for courtship and thinking marriage and they ask more details, I will open up about using spanking as a discipline tool. For now my eldest child is just 11 and is too young.

  6. Maria E. Avatar
    Maria E.

    I have read this site and others about this topic from my academic interest due to my educational background. But I was exposed to domestic discipline many years ago when my boyfriend at the time, when we were starting to get pretty serious, told me about his parents’ domestic discipline relationship, and that he wanted to have one in his marriage. It was not something I knew about at the time, and I didn’t even feel like I could talk to my parents or my siblings about. But after much consideration, talking to our catholic priest, and deliberation, and talking ALOT to my boyfriend, I told him I did not want to be in a marriage where I would be spanked or punished in any way. So we parted ways, and about a year after that, I met the man who is my husband for the last 40+ years with many children and grandchildren, and we have a wonderful life together. I know at the time my parents and siblings were very confused why we broke up as they felt like we were a good couple, but I just could never tell them about what he was asking of me in marriage, I thought that was private.
    About 15 years after I broke up with that first boyfriend, I ran into him in the grocery store. So I asked him point-blank, “how’d you make out finding a wife you could spank?” he chuckled somewhat bitterly, and said he never did, that he dated a couple of women after me, and they said no to a marriage with discipline. He told me, kindly, that he realized at that point that I would be a good and godly wife, even without discipline, and wanted to come find me, but a mutual acquaintance told him at that point that I was married and was pregnant with my and my husband’s first child. I thanked him profusely for his compliment, but I also thanked him for giving me the choice before marriage and telling me about the way he wanted to run his marriage. That if he just told me this after marriage, it would’ve been a much more difficult situation I believe. And so I really appreciate the part of this article where you say that the potential wife-to-be should give full informed consent to be disciplined before going into marriage.
    I do really feel that in the end, I have been with the man for the last 40+ years that God meant me to be with. We don’t use discipline but he is my true HoH.
    Best wishes to all.

    1. Hello Maria, Thank you for your interest. It’s good you are willing to learn about it objectively even if you are not personally involved in discipline. Having much discussion before marriage definitely helps some to say yes, and others to say no to marriage. It is always good to have an idea what to expect.

      I’m sure the Lord could have used what was an obstacle for you to lead you to the man of your life, whom He had prepared for you. The Lord removed women from my life before I met the woman who became my wife, and she is a very godly woman, so I see His planning in all things.

  7. SpankedMrsW Avatar
    SpankedMrsW

    I knew I needed discipline in my marriage and I approached the subject after engagement. I love knowing my husband loves me throughly and will paddle my bottom when necessary. There are times I feel frustrated and know I will need a spanking soon to regulate and my husband is very good at recognizing this. We’ve been married 26 years. Tuesday when my husband returned home from work I was paddled bent over the bed. Then after dinner, corner time was implemented for the first time EVER before he took his belt to my bottom for being bossy. What a difference that reflection time did for my mindset. I was put right back into my place where I belong. With all that said I feel without discipline at the hands of my husband our marriage would struggle because I do tend to have a “take charge attitude” when feeling overwhelmed. There is no better reminder to be a good soft wife than a freshly spanked bottom.

  8. We started a while after we were married and I wish we had started sooner. I missed so much learning early in the marriage but I’m trying to make up for it now. Having said that, it also is better late than never!

  9. Before the wedding, my husband said that if I misbehaved, he intended to discipline me, but I was always very obedient and naturally submissive, and I didn’t think I would have to face any disciplinary punishment.

    but my husband explained, that even though i am a naturally submissive girl, i would have regular dates with his belt at the beginning of the marriage, as discipline is not about punishment, it is about you understanding who is in charge from now on, it is important that the wife learns to undress and bow to her husband, whether for use or for punishment without question, this shows that she is truly surrendering herself to her husband’s command, and it is important for a husband to show his wife that he intends and is capable to lead the marriage with a steady hand.

    he said that I considered myself different and superior to other girls because I found myself naturally more submissive, and that I still had a lot to learn, and that he would need to break this proud attitude of mine, because I had to learn to be more humble

    1. Thank you for your comment. There are some men who will use spanking purely as a matter of training, and teaching a wife who is in charge. It is true many women who are otherwise good girls tend to get proud and look down on others. A spanking can help humble them, if given when needed.

      I generally recommend giving spankings as punishment, which will also help a woman in being submissive, and less proud. Spanking as training I believe is only called for if there is a general resistance to submission, or laxity in her work. Then training gets her back on track.

  10. A traditional marriage was what I wanted and I welcomed submitting to a strong man from the start. My husband was explicit in how things would be so I was fortunate to have clear expectations. But the first year was still an adjustment period. After our wedding day my husband established even more control and introduced corporal punishment. Even though I knew it was coming it required a further attitude adjustment and higher level of humility from me.
    What helped was that my husband established a no tolerance policy, I was corrected for even the most minor mistake 24/7. I have seen in other couples, that once a husband lets his wife get away with things, even very small things, she starts to push the limits, and then it’s harder to rein her back in. My husband made it crystal clear from day one that anything I did wrong would be swiftly corrected and punished if necessary, and that shaped my mindset and erased any thoughts of disobedience. I was walking on eggshells but it cleared my mind and focused me completely on serving and following his rules until it became second nature to me. That’s not to say that I’m prefect and I have needed hard correction over the years at times, but I have never felt an ounce of defiance, and I think it’s because of how strict expectations were set from the beginning.

    1. Hello Monica, I can see how your hard work in the beginning has paid off. Often that is the most difficult time. It is important for a husband to be clear about the rules, and to be consistent with discipline. However, I do not believe it is necessary to punish for small things, as they can be dealt with more moderately. There is no need for a wife to walk on eggshells, though I appreciate that it helped serving your husband become second nature for you, as it should. Clear rules and punishment when needed definitely help a woman to show the right respect to her husband. I’m sure he values how you have grown in your submission.

    2. kaytee780 Avatar
      kaytee780

      Thank you for posting this , it’s so helpful

  11. Anais Rim Avatar
    Anais Rim

    You write a good blog. I’ve read many entries. I’m not very religious, though I was raised Episcopalian as a child. It was a very liberal congregation, which led to a liberal university, and I vote liberal. Biden. I don’t think that will endear me to many here.

    But the topic here is the subject of spanking and discipline. And unlike my fellow liberal colleagues, I do think it has benefits. And I have done it, as a disciplinarian, in relationships.

    For me, the issue isn’t gender: Women serve men. I have seen submissive men disciplined by dominant wives. Or lesbians, with one dominant and the other submissive. Dominance and submission as a trait resides on a spectrum, both individually and in context So, I’m dominant at home, but you better believe I submit to my boss (and the company’s needs) while at work. Nobody at work spanks me, but there are real consequences at work if I screw up. At home I can’t fire my partner, but if she screws up badly there will be consequences to her bottom.

    Now I won’t do this without consent. We had an initial conversation early on and worked out basic and simple rules. Honesty, respect, doing our best, etc. I believe I must adhere to these rules too, so honesty, respect, and doing my best are rules we both follow with each other. But she needs a course correction now and then, she knows it, and has delegated to me the responsibility of maintaining and supporting her accountability. She does fly off the handle sometimes, and she lost a job over that once, yelling at her boss over an error in her paycheck that amounted to little more than five dollars. Which would have been fixed by HR, or, even, who cares.

    Anyway, that night – when she told me she’d been fired – she insisted on a harsh punishment. And I was inclined to agree with her. That threw our plans and finances all to hell for a time. It did damage to us and to our livelihood, and forced us to reschedule a trip, etc.

    Because of noise, we’re in an apartment tower, I have chosen a cane as her primary ‘teacher’, which is what I have her call it. She cleans and oils it once a month. If I assign a correction, she must undress, take it out from a closet where it hangs, kiss it, and bring it to me. She must then state her transgression. She may then hand me the instrument or file an appeal. If she appeals, there’s a process. She writes a letter stating why she thinks my choice I’d wrong or unfair. We then talk it over as equals, reach a decision jointly, and go from there.

    She’s never filed an appeal.

    So, she hands me the instrument, and I spank her. That simple. Though it took time to work out the right intensity. With the cane, even an extended string of lite taps can leave her bottom cherry red.

    The cane is all about how soft you strike, not the other way around. Hit only the bottom and be gentle with swats, especially at first.

    Domestic discipline isn’t for everyone or every relationship. (IMO) But there are people and situations where it’s sometimes necessary.

    1. Thank you. It’s good to meet you, Anais. I’m glad you enjoy my discipline website. I was wondering if your name is a play on the author Anais Nin’s name. I used to read her many years ago when I was an Atheist, and I think it says something about my mindset that I had no problem reading books by a woman who had sex with her own father, and didn’t mind being one of a collection of other another man’s ladies. I will take it however that you are a man, judging by other online content under your name. If you are not, I would ask you do not discuss your relationship, as that would make it a lesbian one, and I don’t want to discuss that here, due to how wicked it is.

      If you were raised Episcopalian, I would say you were raised outside the Christian faith, and essentially were miseducated. Episcopalians have not believed either the Bible or the historic Christian religion for many years. They simply have faith in man, just as unbelievers do. The difference between being a Humanist and an Episcopalian is pretty minor these days. I would return to learn about what the Bible actually teaches, who Jesus Christ actually is, and what He did for us. Start at ground zero. Seek the truth.

      There are individual personality traits that vary, but sex and gender roles do not. Men are built to lead and have the assigned role to lead the family. Women are softer, gentler, and more nurturing, which is why they have the role of serving their husband and caring for the children. The fact that some men are less aggressive or weaker than others, does not make them apt for submitting to their wives, nor does a woman’s choice to act more assertively than usual make her apt to lead the home. They are still radically different creatures, and these differences are objective, biological fact. Men make second rate women at best, and women make second rate men. When men and women act according to their design and their purpose they are much more successful, just as you will have much more success using the right tool for the job rather than the wrong one. It really is irrational not to. Acting according to our design and our roles also leads to greater peace and happiness, not only greater success. Men will never have that by giving up their manhood, nor will women have that by putting themselves under the stress and danger of taking on the man’s role. It brings unhappiness in general and greater misery.

      The ideologies of the left really rely on closing one’s eyes to the facts. Then they rely on silencing those speaking facts. I would call their ideologies quasi-religious because of how much they rely on pure faith. If we saw someone using a small trowel to dig a tree hole, we would immediately know there was something wrong with them. If they claimed that a small trowel was closer on the spectrum to a big shovel than a broom is, we would break out laughing in hysterics. It doesn’t matter if a trowel is a little more like a shovel than a broom is. It’s still the wrong tool for the job. You don’t use it to dig a big hole anymore than you use a broom. If you want to dig a big hole, you use a large shovel, or perhaps get help with an auger or a large machine. Claiming a trowel is closer on the spectrum would be laughable, and anyone would realize it is nonsense. Yet when that same reasoning is applied to sex or gender roles, the left demands one applaud it, and pretend it makes sense. The Emperor wears no clothes.

      People have different ways of applying consent in spanking, whether it occurs in marriage or outside of it. I know there are those who rely on consent in the moment of a spanking, or allow veto power. However, I find this kind of continual need for permission to nullify any real authority. It essentially makes leadership and spanking into theater. There is no real authority. In contrast, a consent to put oneself under authority includes your continual submission to that authority, not just some kind of partial submission according to one’s tastes. That does not mean that nothing is ever talked out, or that the husband cannot hear his wife’s concerns, because there are things which are talked out. It does mean that ultimately one under authority needs to respect the decisions of the authority, including on giving discipline. That is why I practice and teach spanking as discipline by the head of the home, rather than the alternative, which I think amounts to spanking as therapy given by a friend.

      Those are interesting rituals regarding the cane. While I do not have one myself, I have heard a number of husbands who have their wives take care of the cane similarly. I can definitely see how it functions as a reminder, both of serving her husband, and of her husband’s discipline. It is a small act of service by itself. A lady reader has also reminded me of punishment with the switch, which has unique rituals, with a wife cutting one and peeling it.

      Thank you for the advice on using the cane. I do rely on more experienced people to give such tips, even though I have heard them myself. Once can cause considerable pain with the cane without using much strength. It does take some practicing and experimentation to gain significant aptitude. I can see where a cane is appropriately harsh to punish the very poor behavior you describe.

      As I have said to other readers, if this “partner” you spank is not your wife, you should get married before continuing to have intimacy or practice spanking. The world is full of trauma and death because of fornication, which is very impure and is condemned by God. If she is your wife, and you are her husband, then wife is the proper term to use. Husband is an authority position. That authority, like the intimacy and trust involved, cannot be mimicked by any other relationship.

      All the mechanics of spanking are virtually universal, and are not changed by belief system. However, in other ares there is little room for agreement, including in gender roles, and marriage itself. I hope you can continue to find my writing valuable, despite those significant differences. The desires of man’s heart will never be the basis for truth, and will never lead to true life and true satisfaction. The only foundation of truth is the God who made us, who has a right to govern us, and receive our obedience. Man knows no greater love than His.

      1. Anais Rim Avatar
        Anais Rim

        Hi Aron,

        You asked about my name. YES, it refers to Anais Nin, the female erotica author. Who was a fantastic writer, whatever you may think of her private lifestyle. But, as you also correctly recognized, I am male. I just like to read and write. I also like Raymond Carver, Don Dililo, and Jonathan Franzen.

        And yes we have differences of opinion on religious matters. That’s OK. Your writings on discipline are still valuable to me, and I think to many who might live a more secular lifestyle. I do have fond memories of my old Episcopalian pastor, who was a genuinely nice guy. He really was a credit to our community back then. I’ve read both the King James and a study bible assigned at uni as part of a required two semester classics program. There was a time when reading such material at University was obligatory. I expect you may remember that too.

        You talk at length about LEADERSHIP. How it differs from COMMAND. Like, the distinction between a leader and a boss. I’ve held directorate roles, had real staff, and been line responsible for being the bridge between company expectations (for a project, whatever). creating a viable plan to execute so those expectations are met, and then implementing that plan with a few layers of staff under my charge. Leadership is crucial. And what is that? YOU (the leader) are responsible for outcomes. A project planning program can split out tasks and a boss can assign them and tell staff what to do. But a LEADER joins in the work and becomes a ROLE MODEL for everyone else. Because people respect that. Does mean you have to be competent though.

        This was a huge revelation to me. I had already been doing kinky things by that point. But I had never really connected leadership at work with leadership at home. Later on I did, on my own. But my point here is that you’re right about the importance of leadership, particularly in a role with responsibility. And honestly, some people can’t handle those kinds of obligations. They’d rather punch a clock. Or, screw up and hope nobody notices. But the leader notices. And properly course corrects that wayward soul. Whether by discussion or swats to my partner’s bottom.

        I’d like to add one more thing about the cane.

        I trained to use it with help from a close friend. I was with a partner who wanted (needed) discipline. One of her friends taught me how to do it. Speaking of the cane, how I was taught is like this. I took a couch pillow and applied strips of painters tape evenly across the pillow. These strips became bullseye markers of a sort. My then partner got into position and held the pillow against her bottom. Her friend then instructed me as I learned how to swat the pillow. Throughout this training I was corrected in aim and strike intensity. So, first, learn good aim. Second, learn gradations of strike intensity with good aim. Three is enough but I ultimately settled with five. But like so much with discipline, one must be consistent. Also, only hit the buttocks. Thighs are extremely painful. And bones, like the hip bone or vertebrae, can shatter or bruise. ONLY THE SOFT FLESH OF THE BUTTOCKS. Real life ain’t porn.

        I wish you and your family well. And I hope you have a fine tail end of the week.

        1. Hello Anais, Thanks for the explanation. I used to read a great deal of literature, although none of the other authors you mentioned. It filled up much of my time, and like other stimulations when I was an unbeliever, played a role in shaping my views, and providing direction and inspiration for my life. Perhaps literature did so just as much as secular music did for me. I have little use for those things now, as I find nearly all are empty stimulants, are vain, and mislead people. I feed my soul with the Word of God, and any other reading is passing news or history that I find interesting, or anything that I need to check out for the sake of doing research. Our soul needs healthy food, including all that comes in through the eyes and ears.

          I have heard of using a pillow for the sake of practice with the cane. I’m glad you care so much for safety. That is probably the most dangerous one instrument in common use. A pillow seems a fairly good approximation of the buttocks. I have mislanded with the belt before, and while it never caused injury, it could cause much more pain than desired.

          Being a husband comes with full leadership, which is richer and deeper than the boss at work, the school teacher, or the government, even though there are good comparisons to be made. In some respects it is like being the spiritual guide. A good husband looks after his wife’s growth as a woman of God, her virtue, and he knows her well so as to protect her best from her own weaknesses. He functions as a general supervisor over her projects and activities. If she behaves badly or is negligent, it reflects on his leadership. She should be content, safe, and at peace as well. She should know that she is loved.

          Ultimately, as I have said, it is only the role of husband that carries authority, and that allows for intimacy between man and woman. Outside of that union, intimate relations are sinful, and domestic discipline becomes theater. It is the marriage that provides legitimate structure to relationship so there is a real headship position there, as real as any government in the world.

          I hope that you return to God’s Word in prayer, and that you know that God deserves our love and obedience. He is the ultimate leader, and He gives real deserved punishment for our sins. Ask God to show you the truth, and if you are sincere and humble, He will give you the grace to trust in His Son. He will wash you clean and make you new. You will not be able to stand in the day of judgment without peace with God. Everyone knows that in their heart.

          Honestly, I believe it ought to cause you to question your foundation if you describe a woman having sex with her own father, alongside sexual promiscuity, merely as her “lifestyle.”

          Have a good weekend.

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