Asking Your Man to Spank You

Most of what I write is aimed toward the head of the home, who is the man. Here I want to engage a common difficulty for women: that is how do they get their man to start spanking them. I talk on this topic from both ends in my piece on bringing discipline into your marriage, but I’d like to spend some time just on the difficulty for women. How to attract their men to discipline, and also to do so in a submissive way, without sounding like they demand it, or just have to get it. The dynamic is a little different for women bringing up the need, than it is for men, because women are women, and they are the submissive partners.

I take much of this discussion straight from several sources — Firstly from how women I knew approached me with the idea. Secondly, from my own experience of what men like and don’t like to hear. And thirdly, from much advice already online from women, who brought the topic to their husband’s attention, and found him willing to at least give it a try. Like much of what I write, I don’t mean to be comprehensive, but I think there are several main strategies to use. I also think it is important to remember that there is no way to truly get him to do it, but only to suggest it to him, and make it meaningful and attractive to him. There is a decent chance it will fail, simply because he does not wish to, even if you have done your best.

How can the woman who really desires to be spanked approach her husband with the idea? This might be a woman who knows she needs the discipline of spanking, and to be kept in line. It could be a woman who finds an appeal in the deep sense of submission, and how spanking will help her to grow in submission and be soft to her husband. It might be one who simply sees it will help her leave behind harmful habits. She can and should approach her husband with her desire, and with an honest will to show him what is good about the practice. She should be prepared to explain her needs. She should be patient with him as well, as not all men will be able to wrap their heads around it, or grasp the depth of it, overnight. She also needs to be able to make suggestions in a truly submissive way, without telling him what to do, or sounding pushy, or manipulative. She simply want to make her needs known, and be willing to explain.

I believe the most obvious time to bring up the subject of discipline, and of spankings, is during a discussion of the marital relationship of headship and submission. This is true of both man and woman. It naturally offers some entrance ways into this topic. A discussion of marital headship can lead to the question of what to do when the wife does not follow her husband. This is your chance, if your man does not himself bring up discipline, to suggest that when you don’t obey that you think he could punish you. True, it may not be easy to say. Some women would be afraid their men would be shocked. But you need to bring it up sometime and this is a great opportunity. Let him know that when you have trouble with respect and submitting to him, you can use his strong leadership, including that he discipline you. If you have not been explicit already, he may ask exactly what kind of discipline, or punishment would help you. that’s your chance to explain that you want to be spanked when you get out of line. You could bring up that you have communicated online with women who have found that spanking helped them in their behavior, and you think it would help you a lot.

You can also bring up the topic just as advantageously when you have done something wrong, and upset your husband or your fiance. He may point this out to you, and express his displeasure. You can let him know — I think it would help if you punished me when I acted that way. I once had a woman say nearly those exact words to me — and I’d been planning to bring it up anyway — and her suggestion led to her very soon discipline over my knee. It was her first. I’m not suggesting it will be that easy, but it is an opportune time, since your poor behavior is in the spotlight and he is already displeased. Perhaps he’s wondering what to do about it. If he does not know what you mean when you tell him you need to be punished, that’s the time for you to express your desire to be spanked.

If your husband is one to already do some amount of erotic spanking — even if it’s just his hand smacking your butt a lot in bed — that is a good jumping off point as well. More people are tolerant of and understanding of spanking’s erotic form. You can let him know, not long after he spanks you in bed, that you might need it other times as well. If he’s already seen attraction to spanking, you can ask him what he finds attractive, and why he likes it. That’s your chance to explain why you like it and why you think you need it other times too and what it can do for you. Never let a good time in the bedroom go to waste.

When your man sees you are serious about wanting to be spanked, unless he already has a personal desire himself, he may still have many questions, some objections, and some confusion about its purpose. Be patient in explaining and do your best. Like others, your man might think that spanking is for children, and that it’s oddball for an adult to need a spanking. He may think you do a fine job marriage already, so why would you need to be spanked to do a better job. As trained by the culture, he may have learned that spanking for discipline is “abuse” and think it demeans you somehow. Many Christians today think that if they are not acting as tender as that sweet 2nd-grade teacher they had, they’re not being Christian enough. Be prepared to deal patiently with each of these concerns and more. You cannot make someone desire a thing, but you can help remove obstacles from before their eyes. That way they see it more clearly.

Above anything, a man who is not acquainted with discipline spankings simply may not see their purpose. Even if they seem attractive on some level, it may seem in his mind either like sex play or a mere outlet when he is upset with you. Yet either one of these ideas is a distortion. Like I say elsewhere, and I can’t emphasize this point enough, he’s got to really see his role as leader and all it entails. He’s got to see the fact that as leader he provides you rules and has authority over you daily. All of this out of love and for your good and protection. If he sees this broader picture, and embraces his role as authority, spanking will fit in better in its rightful purpose — which is keeping you from stepping out of bounds, and keeping you in your rightful place. That doesn’t mean he will desire spanking, but it will give him the right perspective from which to analyze and see its usefulness.

Naturally, you don’t have to do all the talking yourself, as there is plenty of material on wife spanking available online. In fact, if you did too much talking, it may end up as an argument, or sound like nagging. Sometimes it is better for him to learn on his own, and from someone other that you. Connect him with good material by spanking husbands which describes how they do things, as well as testimonies from wives on how it benefits them. He may even speak with some husbands personally if he desires to learn more. There is a great deal of variety in the domestic discipline material out there, and it comes in varying qualities, but sort through it and find something you think would be edifying for him to read. Seeing material which represents some variety in discipline isn’t necessarily bad either, so he can see there isn’t a formula for how to do things, but rather a set of guiding principles to follow.

If your husband is willing to  begin disciplining you, you should do your part to help him see its good and its effect on you. Let him see your submissiveness, and the ease with which a spanking leads you to deeper gentleness toward him and softness. Let him see by your bettered behavior that his work is helpful to you. Let him see how his rules, and his correction of you, are guiding you well. Likewise, don’t be afraid to show him that his correction leads you to a deeper desire for sexual submission, as it does many women. You should be showing him that all the time, of course, but it is deepened and often devotion is made more strong, by a firm spanking. Leave any intimacy after a spanking up to him, but let him know you belong to him sexually and desire to fully please him. Seeing the ease with which things work through discipline, seeing the ease with which you follow him after a spanking, is a sign to your husband that this is working. It’s not only for you, it’s for the marriage and the home. Make it easy for him by letting his correction benefit you.

Women have a unique challenge in seeking out what they desire — which is that they do not do it from an authority position. They do it from a position under their husband. Any woman who is accustomed to this, and comfortable with it, will be able to still approach the subject and ask their husbands for what they desire — they simply do it with gentleness, and while showing a high respect for him. They do it by ultimately respecting his decision too. Some simple asking and explaining can accomplish this goal. So will asking him about his desires, and how he sees it. So as not to be ever present in the discussion, leaving him with material to read will also help in gentle encouraging your husband to give it a try. As you will hear from others — be careful what you wish for. A spanking is not easy to take. It is humbling and it hurts. Being refined is a process, and will take work and discipline on your part, and biting down on your ego. If your man runs with the idea, be ready to be trained, and for some things in your life to change. You will have to spend a little time in the fire to be made a better woman.


47 responses to “Asking Your Man to Spank You”

  1. […] seems women find it a little harder to introduce than men. In part that is because they recognize their submissive role, and understand they cannot […]

  2. […] privately, and feel it is a forbidden thing. Other women are very openly submissive, and willing to speak of their need for their man taking control of them. They know it is natural and legit. Just as being a helper to […]

  3. […] husbands who hear about spanking from their wives, wonder why their wives need to be spanked. It seems to them like a game, and perhaps they […]

  4. […] about spanking. Men and women can both answer, and even if you do not currently spank in marriage or get spanked, you can still share your thoughts […]

  5. […] not have the authority to do so. However, she CAN give a talk in which she expresses her needs, and asks her husband to think about using discipline. She may explain why she thinks it will help her, and will help […]

  6. iamhissubmissive60 Avatar

    Aron, my physician put me on a low carb diet because I am borderline Type 2 Diabetic. So I immediately went and excluded all carbs from my diet and that was a year ago and I lost 72lbs. Now I teeter totter back and forth, knowing good and well this is wrong and not to mention unhealthy I know. I have struggled with NOT following thru on lots of things that I start and I need accountability. I got on the scale today and I had gained 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks because I cheated. I told my husband and he was angry. I asked him to give me 10 spanks, 1 for each pound I had gained because I have been disobedient. He said, yes you have and you are the 1 paying for it, but worse case scenerio you could become a diabetic and have to take shots!! I said, Yes Sir I know. I said, will you spank me please I need to have a very sore bottom and I believe this will help me not to eat carbs if I know I am going to get the strap. He said he needs time to think about this and he will let me know. He said if I agree to do this you won’t like the out come because I will not be gentle!! I said, Yes, Sir I do not want you to be gentle that is the whole point of me being disciplined, it is for me to feel the heat of my wrong doing on my backside.

    1. That’s very good news! Thank you for sharing. It’s also an important area for a husband to take charge of. Not caring for health has consequences. It sounds like your husband will give it serious thought. I hope he gives you the firm correction you need and have been waiting for. Let us know how it turns out.

      On a note about health, you know the Christian should be fasting regularly. That is a spiritual discipline, committed to the Lord’s purposes, but it also comes with some health benefits. It cuts the excess. It cleans the system. At the minimum, it trains us to not be too attached to those physical pleasures, and to accept lack and want with contentment.

      Blessing to you both.

  7. […] husbands refuse to tolerate it. Her own attitude and disobedience also is the spark for women to ask their husbands to punish them. They want to be freed from the grip of rebellion on them, and they yearn for the […]

  8. Hello, I just wanted to say I’ve found ur posts very informative. My fiancé & I met later in life, I was 47 & he 44, but right from the start we both fell naturally into our roles. I now kno I’ve been needing a decent, no nonsense, real man my whole life. I was a very spoiled child & it followed me into adulthood. Im very lucky he loves me enough to discipline me when needed & also, not, when it’s not warranted. It seems to me ur wife is also very lucky to have found u. Thanks for ur thoughts on the subject of disciplinary living, it makes me feel like im not crazy for wanting this.

    1. You’re welcome, Jen. I’m very honored to be able to help you along in using discipline in marriage. The benefits are often immediate. I have seen my wife grow from submitting to my leadership, guidance, and correction. She knows where the rails are and always tries to stay within them.

      Along with teaching about how discipline works, I also want others to know, as you say, they are not crazy for living this way. Marital discipline is common, and normal to our human nature. In history, it’s been practiced for thousands of years. Once we are able to see through the culture’s smears and stigma, we can see how it fits naturally into nearly any marriage.

      I am always thrilled to see another couple begin.

  9. Repentant Avatar

    I’ve been sharing the journey of the past few days as comments on a different blog entry but I think this comment belongs over here. For any readers that didn’t see the other thread, I always wanted discipline to be part of my marriage but then I turned against the idea of submission completely. A few days ago the Lord started drawing me back and convicting me and turning my desire towards obeying my husband and now I see what a mess I am having developed a domineering and lazy character towards him. In the midst of this my husband and I started having some very real conversations about my sin towards him which uncovered my husband’s insecurities about leading me and disciplining me. He also shared with me that his faith has been unsteady as well so I am grateful that the Lord is waking me up because I don’t think the Lord could use me to help him very well while I am taking a position over him and honestly I am probably part of what has shaken him. If you are a believer in Jesus and reading this please pray for us.

    I’ve been humbling myself to my husband and I’ve been asking him to discipline me but has expressed a lot of reluctance, although greatfully he has covered me by not shaming me for such a desire. I have been reading this blog to him and I’ve been so afraid he might at some point look down on me for reading this sort of stuff, because it’s so racey, and definitely not “normal” among anyone we know, and yet he has not.

    Last night I lost my temper for a few moments with my husband and he looked right at me after a moment and said, “Are you ready for your spanking now?” I just looked at him unable to bring myself to answer, then averted my eyes in shame. His question completely leveled me and stopped me in my tracks.

    He left the room to go do something he needed to get done before bed, and he came back and asked if I’m ready to go to bed. I told him he was and asked him if I was going to get a spanking. He said no, he didn’t think I needed one. I spoke up and said that actually I think I really do deserve one. He changed his tone and slowed down for a minute and asked me why I deserved one.
    So I confessed my sin to him verbally which was hard but so relieving that we were finally talking on this level and I told him that I lost my temper at him and I was bossing him around and I should be spanked. And he said,”Well ok then. Let’s do this. Let’s go.”

    I know a lot of women talk about the first spanking being filled with trepidation and fear and I just felt the most incredible sense of relief and overwhelming gratefulness that he was meeting me in this way and in this place. We went to the bedroom and on the way we discussed how we were going to do this, because we really didn’t have any implement selected for such an occurrence, and he told me not to worry about it he could figure it out. We got to the bedroom and the most tremendous thunder I have ever heard rumbled from outside into our room. I was literally frightened that someone had set off a bomb outside, it hadn’t been storming and I honestly didn’t even think it was thunder. That was the first moment of fear, and my husband calmly looked at me and said that the Lord was thundering as I’m about to get my first real spanking. Then he told me to undress and I quickly did so and got up on the bed and presented my rear end on my knees.

    We had a quarter inch dowel sitting around and he decided to use that. Again he asked me why I was being spanked and why I deserved it. Again I confessed how out of order I have been. He asked me how many strokes he should give me, and I was silent for a minute trying to figure out what the answer to that should be, until finally I told him that he should give me as many strokes as he wants to. He told me that that was a very good answer. And he spanked me.

    It was a pretty light spanking and when he was done I expressed my gratefulness to him but also explained that it really didn’t hurt that much and he really would do well to spank me longer and harder. So he had me resume the position and he went about twice as hard and twice as long. Honestly I would have to say for the sake of record that having experienced it, a quarter inch dowel is not a very good disciplinary instrument for a solid spanking. I could see it working maybe if he used it for like a half hour straight or something, but even so it did have a sting enough for me to feel humbled and know that I was receiving my husband’s displeasure, even if it wasn’t a horrible painful experience. But he got nervous because he said there were definite marks showing up on my butt. I told him he didn’t need to worry about it if he marks me that it’s okay, that it won’t last long. He said he wanted to stop there and see how that looks tomorrow as a first experiment for him, and that I will probably get worse in the future.

    I just cannot express the waves of relief that washed over me, knowing that he would turn to me in this way, that he does not reject disciplining me, that I am going to be instructed and taught by him even as I try to submit to the Lord, I just kept thanking him over and over and over. I guess no one knows how they’re going to feel about their actual spanking when it comes, I have read stories of women being surprised at their reactions, and I must admit I was just as surprised at mine. It was like he took a huge burden off my heart and I could relax and be at peace that I am not alone and trying to learn to be a godly wife and then I am not alone as I crave this side of intimacy with my husband, that intimate marital love reflects both the kindness and severity of the Lord, and that I no longer need to worry that I will not have the full measure of both.

    After my spanking we got to the kindness part, and as we were together my heart just spilled out over him. I apologize for all the times and arguments that I had called my husband a misogynist, and I told him that he is not a misogynist and that I want him to be a man to me and I will be a woman to him and there is no misogyny here. I told my extremely gentle husband who I had accused of abuse at one point in our relationship that there is no such thing as abuse between us and that I am never going to leave him and I will never accuse him of abuse. I even told him that if he is angry at me, he should spank me in his anger, because it is right for my backside to absorb his displeasure when I have provoked it. I told him that I long for him to spank me to the point where I will regret having asked for it, and then please be consistent, and not let me escape bending to his will. I am a very strong-minded and very outspoken woman and I thought perhaps he married me for these traits, but I told him I want to learn to be meek and quiet before him, and asked him if he would want that, and to my surprise he said yes. So I asked him if he would instruct me and train me, and he said he had gotten so used to overlooking all my actions of disrespect that nine times out of 10 he just lets things go on by, but that he is going to work on not letting them go by and calling me out on them all the time. He said he is glad that we are starting a new chapter in our relationship. I never took his name when we got married and I told him that I need to go change that. He liked that idea. I told him I’ve been spending money behind his back and the sun on it to lying and that this ends today. And I renewed my covenant with him before the Lord, that I would submit to his discipline as well and never leave him or accuse him of abuse. He said he heard my profession and covenant before the Lord and receives it.

    He pointed to my dirty clothes laying all over our bedroom floor and told me he expected them to all be gone by tomorrow. I told him they would be. I suggested to him that there are so many things wrong in our marriage that maybe he pick one at a time to really work out of me and then move on to the next one and the next one. He said he thought that was a good idea, but that also things may arise from time to time that he will just deal with in the moment like me losing my temper with him this evening. We agreed and cuddled and it was so relieving and amazing. And holy.

    Thank you Aron. The Lord bless you and your wife and your family.

    1. That’s really exciting. Congratulations on starting with discipline in your marriage. It’s important now that that barrier is down, and your husband will now move forward in instructing and correcting you. He will take up that role step by step. I know it must be a relief. I’m sure he will find a heavier instrument to deal with your spankings, which will leave you more thoroughly punished and cleansed. It’s my pleasure to be able to help. Bless you and your family.

    2. Heather Avatar

      I read somewhere that somebody found a plastic clothes hanger to be a pretty useful implement, so yesterday I told that to hubs and asked if he wanted to check it out with me. He had me swat him with it like twice so he could know what it felt like, and then he tried it out of me a few times. As he got a little bolder with it, I was like yeah that hurts, that delivers a message. Then I was so surprised because then he commanded me to get up on the bed on my knees and told me he was going to give me 5 of them. That was so new that he wanted to just give me stripes just to make me feel them and feel his own power I guess. And then what really was wild was that he didn’t stop at 5, he made it more like 10. Then he stopped and said he thought that was enough. I told him yeah I really felt that, that 10 was ok to just remind me of his authority, but that if he wanted to punish me he shouldn’t be afraid to give me much more than that, like more like 50. He was shocked. We talked about that some more, I just encouraged him, “you’re not going to hurt me. You could give me a hundred and you’re not going to hurt me. Please be lavish with your discipline of me, please be more afraid of not disciplining me enough than being afraid you will discipline me too much. ”
      I feel like I am out of my mind to say these things out loud that have been in my mind forever. It’s so humiliating and I keep seeing online all the people accusing people like me of just having a fetish. I don’t want my husband to think of this as a fetish.

      Last night I asked my husband if there was anything he would like me to do today for him around the house. First he just said, “Surprise me.” Then after a moment he said well one thing I would like you to do is to move my wash from the washer to the dryer please. I agreed.

      This morning as he was getting ready for work he asked again if I would please remember to move his stuff into the dryer. I agreed.

      And then 20 minutes later while he was still getting ready for work popped in to say again, “please don’t forget to move my stuff from the washer to the dryer.” This time I looked up and said, ” I will! Because if I don’t you will spank me. ”

      He said,” well that’s a bit extreme. ”

      And I protested, “But it’s not! If you have only asked me to do one tiny thing with my time today, one tiny thing, and I do not do it, how much respect do I have for your word?”

      He replied, ” okay then. ”

      And then I sheepishly asked, ” am I being too weird?”

      He replied, “You ain’t seen nothing yet!”

      Before he finally got out for work, he popped in to ask me to do another chore as well.

      I’m sharing this because I guess it shows the more I lower myself to him and demonstrate my own dedication to be submitted to him and my own understanding of the rightfulness of his punishment, the more he seems to be willing to embrace it, at least so far. It’s taking a lot more than, “I like the idea of you spanking me.” It’s taking a real willingness on my part to lower myself to him and make a very clear statement of the truths involved in my role, and my behavior, and our situation.

      On one hand it would be ideal if he was taking the lead in training and reproving me, but there’s something that seems just that in my long rebellion to him that I have to lower myself and beg for him to come back into his rightful place. In other words if this was just some sdbm thing, perhaps the mere fooling around with spanking would be sufficient to the thing, but this is not, this is about a lifelong commitment of covenant with each other and my role within it of one that must come under him. And therein lies the real difficulty, getting up on the bed and taking a spanking is not the difficult part, the difficult part is the verbal continual relinquishment of my former relationship with him where I could do whatever I want, and bend him to my will. If I seek in any way to bend him to my will currently, it is only to reestablish his total control over me, and I am being careful to allow him to be holding the reins, ultimately I just want him to know his full permission and power, and my willingness and desire that he embrace it. I would step back if he protested it, but he seems to be taking my offering to heart, and just like testing out a hanger led to five which then became 10, gradually taking it out of my hands altogether.

      I hope it is okay I am sharing this here, it has helped so much for me to write these things down and then read over them again day by day, and also to receive the encouragement of being affirmed by you Aron as the Lord has taken me down this road and changed things so very quickly. My husband told me again yesterday that he is very happy with the very quick change in our marriage, that just suddenly seemed to come out of nowhere the past few days.

    3. Just amazing!! I felt like I was reliving my first experience! So excited you found freedom!

  10. Heartbroken Avatar

    I’m in a loving marriage of 30 years. We married young (18 & 19) and with very little direction on marriage other than love and respect. I always knew I wanted a strong take charge man, but then life happened and he allowed me to make the rules as to not cause a fight. We’ve dealt with troubles, but our love has brought us through, but recently I’ve had this draw from deep within me for his direction, leadership, to feel his authority. With that I have longed for his loving control and firmness. I kindly spoke to him about discipline and training, he has listened, but more in a playful way. I fear I’ve robbed myself of the husband I know he was and should be. I’ve not been the wife I should of been. How can I help him to spank me in a firm disciplined manner? I want his training and discipline. I crave his strength and correction. He doesn’t ask me for much of anything anymore, but I know he loves me, but he’s been trained to be content, but I know we could be so much more. I’ve become emotional over how I’ve robbed myself of the man I once had. Sorry for my rambling.

    1. Hello Heartbroken, Thank you for writing. Yours is a common and sad situation in marriages today. Everyone focuses on love, or a very confused view of equality, but important aspects of marriage get neglected. Marriage without the authority of the man, and submission of the wife, lacks some vital organs.

      You can sense that innately in your bones, without needing it explained. Many marriages today are settling for half of what they could be. I would not give up on your husband. I have seen more or less passive husbands, who settled for contentedness, turn around in a very short time. They need to see the importance of their authority. They have to understand how it will work. But you can trust they have that same innate sense in the bones as you do. He knows he is a man, and strong, and fulfilled in leading you, just as you know you are a woman, and soft, and fulfilled by his power. It can just take time for him to see the bigger picture, and overcome certain obstacles.

      Most important is that your husband grasps leadership and submission before anything else. It is that relationship that makes better sense of discipline, and in which discipline will fit in. Outside of his authority, discipline makes little sense. I would keep working on discussing it with your husband, and explaining its importance. Give him some material to read on being the head of the home, and on discipline.

      Be patient, and you may find very good things to come. I hope you both will enjoy the benefits of bringing the right order to your marriage.

      1. Heartbroken Avatar

        Thank you for your response! Your words speak such truth. I will continue to share with him benefits of spanking, discipline, and training and I will pray he will find his way back as leader. Thank you again for your time and the information this site shares.

    2. Heather Avatar

      I did much the same thing. My husband always knew my role was to submit to him but I rebelled against that and he resigned himself to my rebellion and stopped fighting me on it. And he really lost something of his confidence and strength in the midst of it, and a whole bunch of other things weren’t working right anymore for him, he was depressed and his faith wasn’t strong, etc. How much of that was directly related to me refusing to come under him and how much wasn’t, I’m not sure but it all did seem to be tied together in some ways.
      Aron talks a lot about how important it is for a husband to use words to guide his wife and I love that teaching he repeats in a lot of different posts. But I didn’t have that because I shamed my husband out of speaking to me with any authority at all, until he’d get really frustrated now and then and yell at me, and then I’d label him as mysogynistic and abusive. I had a lot to repent of, and still do.
      When I realized my wrong the first thing I had to do was go confess my rebellion to my husband and tell him I wanted to submit to the testimony of the Bible about my place and submit to the Lord and submit to my husband as my rightful head. And I asked my husband to help hold me accountable and told him I would listen to him, and accept discipline from him. Of course this really didn’t change how he talked to me immediately because while my confession was pretty huge, it still took a while for him to get used to the idea that he really was back in control and that I was ready to yield to that. It also took a while for him to feel His own desires to take charge again without feeling shamed.
      One thing I have learned is that my words guide my husband too. The more my words to him signal my submission, the more he is able to to find himself again as my head. The lower I go, the more he is able to remember who he is to me. I have to embrace my own embarrassment and humiliation to speak the truths that need to be spoken, so the atmosphere of truth is there for him to burst through the lies I have spoken at him over the years about what a “monster” he is for even thinking he could be my leader. So now, as Sarah called Abraham lord, I wake up in the morning and greet my husband with a kiss, “Good morning, my lord. ” And any time he speaks to me about something he wants me to do or not do, I reply with deference and usually say, “Yes, sir” or even, “Yes lord.” It sounds goopy and yet quickly turned into something much deeper.
      I radically search myself and confess to him, sometimes every two minutes, “I’m sorry, I just spoke to you in the imperative as if I’m over you, forgive me.” I check in with him, “Are you ok with me calling you lord or sir or does it weird you out?” “Does it weird you out that I’m apologizing constantly?” In the beginning I was surprised that he tells me he is glad I am doing that but I still check in and he still affirms he appreciates that I am checking myself and that I am showing sensitivity to learning my own faults and how often I try to usurp him.
      We also wrote up rules. Many of our rules were reviews of long-standing arguments that came up over and over, and would blow up to something big between us. In almost every argument from our past I could now see where my refusal to submit was at the heart of almost every fight. So we wrote down a rule that struck to the heart of whatever that fight was about, to put it to death in our relationship and in me forever.
      So we have rules like, “I will accept when you are angry at me and bear your anger” because even though it is not good or healthy for a husband to yell at his wife, it’s also not the wife’s place to tell her husband he is not allowed to be angry at her and for her to yell back and cusse at him when he is angry to put him in his place. Which is what I used to do. So now I agreed I am bound to accept his anger without resisting it.
      And we have rules like, “I will humbly allow you to be my spiritual teacher and assume if we have a difference of opinion on a Bible topic that I, as the weaker vessel, am probably the one in the wrong and I will not argue my opinion with you but meekly present it to you so you can instruct me where I am wrong.” This doesn’t mean he’s always right but the problem is in the past I always presumed I knew more than him and was more spiritual than him, and would go to battle over petty, stupid little points of how I viewed a verse compared to how he did, and this isn’t a woman learning “quietly and in full submission,… asking their husbands questions at home” as the scriptures say we ought to. And I was never willing to recognize verses that said things like, “Adam was not decieved, but Eve” that testify that while both my husband and I are both fallible, his fallibility as a man is to be prefered to the danger of my fallibility as a woman. So as much as it cuts into my normal inclinations and pride, I’m now committed with our rules to sitting UNDER him spiritually instead of over him.
      And we have 38 other such rules written down. The main point being that as I recognize my place and get honest to him that he is the one in authority and I am not, as I confirm and speak these things out and acknowledge them to him, and admit to him when I’ve wronged his leadership (like, several times a day) it seems to have been slowly healing for him and he is leading me more and more.
      And ultimately, I have been trying very hard to never refuse his discipline and to always thank him for it and tell him how important it is for my growth.
      Anyway, that’s been the slow path back to wholeness for us.

  11. Although my husband sees marriage more in terms of equal partnership than headship and submission, there are times when he would like me to be softer, more agreeable, and more respectful towards him and his decisions. He is, however, totally opposed to spanking of any kind, he believes it’s wrong, and even if he wanted to, he could never bring himself to do that to me. He is not a Christian, so for him, the Scriptures do not define his role as husband. My question is, would it work to find another man to spank me, and would that be as helpful to our marriage as if my husband did it?

    1. Hello Jessie, I understand your frustration. Not all husbands are willing to take on true leadership. However, it is your husband’s role to discipline you, and even if he does not, going outside of a marriage for spanking would be wrong. The act is too intimate, on both a physical and emotional level, to engage in through another relationship.

      Perhaps your husband would be willing to use non-spanking discipline. It’s also possible he loses his aversion to spanking over time, once he comes to understand it better. Either way, make it your point to learn submission to him, becoming gentle and soft in your speech. Use your voice to honor him, and your actions to help him. He may gain a better view of his own role if he sees you acting fully in yours.

      1. Thank you, I will try that!

  12. Alix Kaiser Avatar
    Alix Kaiser

    Still trying to get my nerve up to ask. Been contemplating for a couple months how to ask him. I did mention it a couple times while we were dating but nothing really came of it… except he would if I thought I needed it… but i don’t think he truly meant it because honestly I think he’s afraid of hurting me

    Thinking maybe I should ask him if he would like to set some rules and go from there.

    But our marriage is so great already I’m afraid I might mess everything up. We’ve been married for 10 months so I always think the sooner the better. It’s just hard. I know I am I very submissive person when it comes to being the wife, and I always do my best to please him. I always feel so terrible when i disappoint him. We have a true love and deep care and respect for each other. I just don’t know what to do.

    There has been a couple instances where I know my behavior was entirely Unacceptable, like drinking and driving home one night after hanging out with friends and I got that gut feeling in my stomach like he might actually do it this time. And i was very very nervous. But still nothing happened except a long and serious talk, but not quite like the stories on here….

    I’ve even tried doing a couple little things here and there that I know kinda pushes his buttons and still nothing…
    I kinda thought he’d get the hint.

    Here’s to not knowing what to do.
    I’m 25 and he’s 32.

    1. Hello Alix, Thank you for writing me. I appreciate your desire to be more submissive towards your husband, and also for him to correct some obviously wrong behavior. I would not try to push his buttons just to get in trouble, but rather seek to address the subject with him again. You can bring up times recently in which you failed, and how it would help you if he punished you. It will help him also in the long run in leading and managing your behavior. I would recommend letting him read some good material about spanking in marriage, so that he can understand more deeply. But perhaps you have already.

      Spanking is not necessary to simply have a good marriage. It does help many couples to have a good marriage, when they had previously been fighting and unhappy with each other. Yet in other instances, it helps a couple simply grow closer together, and brings a wife past some harmful behavior. The kind you say you were involved in is quite serious, so I can see the imperative of your husband addressing it. Many wives describe the deeper respect they have for their husbands when they take charge, as well as the peace and closeness they feel more deeply. It is an asset even to marriages that are already fairly good.

      Your husband is likely already thinking about the idea. It can take a man a long time to process the purpose of spanking, as well as to clearly see his headship role, and how it works. Don’t be discouraged. Surely, once he fully embraces headship, it will be natural to set some rules for you. Spanking will fit into place as his means of correcting you. Seeing the need for headship is the biggest and most important step. Everything else comes more easily after it.

      I’d be happy to hear how it goes for both of you from here. It will require talking about a bit more, even if you are uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid.

      Best to you.

    2. I’m just hesitant that once the bridge is crossed there’s just no going back.

      I’ve read a few of the articles on here and it seems a real session is a lot more than just making sure it smarts and it’s a little scary. Especially if the goal is to make sure the wife is in tears…

      I can’t imagine the punishment you’d give your wife for drinking and driving… but I knew I messed up big time that night and felt guilty for weeks…

      But For the first time should it just be otk with his hand? To see how much I could take? If it’s too much are you allowed a safe word?
      But then I guess it really wouldn’t be a punishment at that point… is it always on the bare? should you always use an implement? Or is it for more serious punishments.. Is after care a thing after a punishment?

      I do want to experience that closeness, and deeper respect, but even if he asked me what I think I deserve, or how I’d want to go about it I really wouldn’t know what to say. I’m better at just following orders.

      We’re both Christians, and we both believe that the man is supposed to be the head of the house hold. Especially him. It’s something he takes pride in. He’s a complete gentleman. And a man of morals. Strict and likes to follow rules.

      I just know once he sets his mind to something he’s not changing. I’m just very nervous of starting this lifestyle but I know there’s beauty in it.

      1. Hello Alix, I am happy to hear that you both know the Lord. Your husband sounds like he will manage discipline well if he starts. I can understand being hesitant with moving forward with discipline. Nearly any woman would feel a bit of fear, so it’s normal.

        However, for a spanking to do its job, it is meant to hurt. That is part of what provides punishment, a deterrent, and often a cleansing of the soul. It is part of what brings a woman to greater respect for her husband. There are men who certainly choose to start lighter with their wives. They may simply use lighter strokes, or spank with their hands so she has a chance to get used to it. However, in general a spanking should be hard, and not something you want to experience again. I’m sure you can understand how a light spanking would not be much of a deterrent, and how a man’s authority may seem very weak if that’s all he can do.

        Feel free to ask your husband if he would start light. Some men will and some won’t. The use of an instrument is good since it’s not easy to give a hard spanking just with the hand, although some men can do it. I rarely give a hand spanking myself, and my wife accepts the correction I give her. Spanking is best done with the bottom bare for a variety of reasons. I do not recommend having anything on.

        A safe word is not necessary in normal marital discipline. I can see why they are used in the bdsm community, due to the severity of some of the punishments, and the fact the person punished is often bound. However, a normal spanking should continue until your husband decides it is time to stop. You are not in a place to end it, nor is it going to cause you any lasting harm. You get in position, do what he tells you, and keep still as he spanks you. Be prepared to say I’m sorry, and to express your submission.

        I know you can experience some of those things you desire, and which you know are good. It is simply a matter of courage, and of trust. Trust in your husband to lead and discipline you. Trust in yourself that you can accept his correction. Millions of wives are able to do this. A spanking is for the good of the wife, and when she focuses on learning the lesson it teaches her, she will not be overcome with fear.

        Why don’t you talk with your husband about it, and then see where it goes from there.

      2. Hi Alix,
        We started this about 6 months ago. I felt a lot like you — I was scared I might ruin my marriage if we started this, or that I’d regret asking to bring this into it. I just want to report that I haven’t regretted it, I am super glad to be a disciplined wife now.

        Also, in the beginning my husband DID go really light because he was just trying to figure this out and didn’t want to harm me, so he had to get a feel for what he felt comfortable doing to me. Now he gives a pretty mean spanking and I’m squirming and yelping and wishing it would be over long before it is, especially after graduating to more painful implements than what we started with….but, I have never cried from the pain of a spanking (although I have cried sometimes in contrition) no matter how horrible it was.

        Some women do cry, but if my husband’s goal was to spank me to tears, I’m afraid he might have to do some serious damage, because no matter how much it hurts or how bad it is, I just don’t cry from it. And I know from speaking to other ladies that I’m not alone in that. But I can say from experience that doesnt mean the discipline was ineffective or lacking. So I wouldn’t necessary recommend that the goal has to be “to make her cry.” My husband is pretty good these days as reading the situation and knowing when he has delivered the message he intends me to have.

        I was so afraid of so many things — that it would be more than I could handle, or that he’d get a taste of power and become a nasty ugly husband. I can say 6 months in that I’m super glad we do this, it has had some rough moments but I definitely don’t regret it — I am better off for it, our marriage is better off for it, my husband is better off for it, and none of my anxieties came true.

        Blessings to you and your husband,

      3. loweethan171 Avatar

        How’s it going did you ever get your husband on board?

  13. Still just trying to figure things out…

    I don’t know why I long for it. Being disciplined or being otk and spanked. (Completely in a non sexual way)

    Like every time I try to bring up the subject the words just won’t come out…
    And thank you Heather your words did help put me to some ease.

    I just know I mess up sometimes, and I know I would feel a lot better if I was punished… but it just always ends up in having a talk and hugs and forehead kisses. That just end up melting me. lol

    1. Keep trying, Alix, I know you can do it. Spanking reaches the soul on multiple levels, and that includes cleansing a woman of guilt, and making her feel deeply submissive. It is valuable and worth longing for. But a marriage can be wonderful without it too.

  14. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for 7. We have two kids. We both work full time. I’m a spiritual person whereas he isn’t. We do incorporate spanking in our marriage but it isn’t very similar to most of your posts or cases. When I want one, or need one, I’ll ask him for it, and I hate asking. I wish he would just do it without me having to ask. I’m a natural submissive masquerading as an independent career driven person and also all-powerful Supermom and it is exhausting. My anxiety is through the roof. I am going to ask him to just start spanking me weekly, as maintenance. I know you don’t recommend this but I had 2 anxiety attacks this week and I need someone to steady me. I need him. I wish I could quote the Bible with you and all that stuff but I am not that person. I do see the beauty in creation, and that the unfathomable chance that this was random, that the physics of it all just worked out perfectly in favor our our existence, is ridiculous. I do believe in a higher power, I’m just not entirely certain in your flavor of it. But I do like your blog. It has been very helpful. Though, I’m not very sure I fit in with the rest of these women either. I have a temper, and I take charge of many many aspects of our family, like education, everyone’s health, most minor household things, the checkbook, vacation planning.. Don’t get me wrong, he does a lot too, but I have so many balls in the air and I work on top of it, the stress eats at me most days. I wish we could afford to live on one salary but we live in a city where the cost of living is quite high and our daughter needs special therapies that are not always covered by insurance.

    1. Thank you for writing. I’m glad you have introduced spanking to your marriage and are able to experience the rewards at times, even if it is only limited. I believe there are many women such as you, who desire more leadership from their husbands, and who find the whole independent thing overly burdensome and stressful. Oftentimes the masquerade can be convincing, and men today would have no idea you desire them to take charge or to spank you. It requires they completely drop things they’ve been taught, maybe from youth, and then learn very new attitudes about dealing with women. It can be done, but it takes time.

      If you need more leadership from your husband, and you want to be spanked when he sees you need it, that desire has to be out in the open. Go to your husband, explain not only your desire for more discipline, but that you do not want to be the one in charge all the time. Furthermore, begin showing him your submissive heart. Practice moderating how you speak to him, even if he has not yet taken charge. Start speaking more gently. Start communicating that submissive heart you wish to live out. Make changes in your own words and behavior so that he can see you are manageable, and that you desire to be led.

      There will be some friction at first. You will have some inner resistance, but you have to be giving yourself over to submission, beyond any leading by your husband. Choose to honor him, and defer to him, regardless of what he chooses. This will be good for you, and good for him in understanding his role in taking charge. It will also prevent possible conflict by the simple fact you are already submitting and do not fight his will.

      Being submissive is not a game. Nor is it halfway. If you want your husband to lead, you need to be prepared to make serious changes yourself. Some you will not like, but they will be good for you in the long run. I believe you will find much more peace, and deep rewards, when you have your husband’s headship over you at all times, and you can look up to him and serve him truly, every day. That is love and protection that definitely protects against anxieties. The both of you will have to prepare for the long road, but if you both commit to it, you will see results within a short time.

      As far as the Almighty:

      Every human being ought to be able to see — by the creation itself — that God is our Creator. As you say yourself, it would be unfathomably unlikely for all of this to create itself by chance. This alone shows that logic and creation are teaching you something about God. However, I find the desire to keep God impersonal and distant is motivated by the same desire to deny God in the first place — it keeps us in charge of our lives, and lets us commit our sins without apparent guilt. IT is another form of fleeing from the Almighty. Yet much can be known of God beyond His mere existence.

      Natural law, for example, teaches us many things about God. According to Romans 1, the creation can teach every man about the attributes of God — we can know He is good, He is eternal, He is all powerful, He is unchanging, He is merciful, and He is just. Our mind and conscience also contain the law of God, even if we suppress it at times. Both Romans 1 and 2 teach that His commandments can be known through the creation, so that you do not need to have a Bible to know it is wrong to steal, to murder, or to commit fornication or sodomy. By the creation itself then we all can know God, His attributes, the moral law, and the fact we are all guilty of sin. If we are all guilty, we need a Deliverer.

      Scripture reveals more truth about God than nature shows. Scripture is God communicating beyond the natural revelation of the cosmos. It is God speaking through righteous men who commune with Him, and revealing His will for mankind more deeply. Scripture reveals details of God’s creation, man’s fall into sin, human history, the plan of salvation that God has interwoven in human history, and the Savior who will deliver us from sin and death. It reveals that in the end, all of creation will be renewed. God’s people will dwell in life and bliss seeing the face of Jesus forever. Those rebels who continue in sin and unbelief find the consequences of their sin are eternal too, and suffer in hell.

      The Bible has great credibility. It has proven itself on many levels. While the topic is too detailed to get into here at length, God’s Word through the prophets is truth we can trust in. It has proven its credibility through accurate historical details, consistent and good ethical teachings, many fulfilled prophecies, public miracles worked by God’s servants and the Savior, and the overall effect that God’s people has had in the world — bringing peace, goodness, and life to all the nations of the earth.

      The testimony of the New Testament in particular bears more marks of credibility than any ancient history ever. It was written closer to the events it describes. It has many more surviving manuscripts. It has many points of confirmation with archaeology and external sources. If you would reject the overall  credibility of the NT you logically have to reject every ancient history you know of. It has proven itself true many times over. Not only that, but the witnesses who shared their eye-witness accounts of Christ’s life, death and resurrection all were willing to go to persecution and death for what they saw and experienced. They all suffered and died proclaiming what they knew to be true, and had seen with their own eyes.

      I know that’s a wealth of points, but I don’t ask you to digest it all now. Only please go and read the New Testament. Recognize that if God can reveal basic things to you through nature itself, it is illogical to reject that He can reveal further things to you through the prophets who wrote Scripture. God is God of the cosmos, and also God of mankind, communes with them, and brings us His Word through them. He is not limited to speaking through the universe.

      His truth is not only our protection and guide, but is the only way to eternal life:

      I’d be interested in hearing how your journey goes in being able to live out your submission more fully in your marriage, and in having your husband start leading more. I believe you will be very satisfied, although there are always some obstacles every couple experiences. Feel free to write me at my e-mail or through the contact form as well.

      Take care.

  15. “It hurts just to think about what I just did to you.”

    This is what he says.

    He will spank me in play, or foreplay, sort of.

    He thinks he’s done a good job when he hasn’t.

    He is willing, just barely, to do it “because you like it” (you=I). But I don’t like it—other than in play—and I don’t want to like it.

    Mostly I really just want him to know he can do it, and it is his right—so I can know he will do it if the situation comes up. But that sounds like me trying to be in charge here.

    He knows he’s in charge. He tells me I’m wonderful, scowls at me when I apologize for anything, tells me I’ve done nothing wrong. He “can’t punish” me if I’ve “done nothing wrong”. He says as the head it is his job to forgive me.

    I say well, think of something I’ve done in the past that annoyed you or made you angry. He says in almost 30 years there is nothing. I have told him I could probably think of sixteen things before breakfast on an average day that deserve a spanking. He was amused. I probably do have a problem with being overscrupulous.

    He says he is never angry with me; a few weeks ago he almost shouted at me to “shut up”; I don’t remember why. He stopped himself, shocked, saying it was the first time in ~30 years he’d been truly angry with me.

    I think he’s angry with me all the time.

    When I ask him why he’s angry, he denies that he is. If I ask him what I’ve done or should do differently he’ll tell me I’ve done nothing and should change nothing. He is angry with himself, or anything else but me.

    I asked him yesterday if I had been obedient to him all these years, and he said “pretty much”. He admits that he hasn’t given me much to obey. “It is my job to figure out what he wants, and to have that ready for him before he even knows that he wants it”—this is kind of a joke, and he used to say the same thing about his role toward his boss at work. Early in our marriage, he told me that “you try really hard to please me, and it isn’t easy because I don’t give you much to go on” in figuring out how to do that. But he has continued to not give me much to go on. He says he wants to make me happy. I say I want to make him happy. How does this contort itself into a lose-lose proposition?!

    I have been trying to keep quiet and wait for him to lead me, bout it seems that he likes things the way they are and I feel as if I am practically pouting to get my own way. This is not the effect I was going for.

    I told him I have known all of our lives that he could spank me, and this has certainly shaped my behavior toward him. I’m not a fool. But he says he didn’t know that he could until I brought it up a few months ago. Yet I have been bringing it up for years, not nagging but I mention it perhaps every few years. Yes, he does kind of recall that we’ve joked about it in the past, but he thought we were just joking.

    I have worried that perhaps he might want *me* to spank *him*; there are such men out there. At least I feel fairly confident now that he does not, because we played at that a little, and he didn’t like it. It would scare the daylights out of me if he did want it, because I can’t imagine that going on for very long without him getting tired of it and turning the tables on me, and I doubt that would look or feel like calm controlled leadership.

    I also have worried that he doesn’t want to do it because he *does* want to do it, would enjoy it, and knows he would take pleasure in hurting me. Am I asking him to unleash the inner monster? Am I calling down his sinful nature in a way that would be spiritually harmful to him? Tempting him to the sin he has been resisting?

    Since we have discussed this more, I’m hopeful that this is not the case. But it’s not as if he would admit that yes, on some level he wants to hurt me, if that were true. I doubt he would admit it to himself. Maybe his inertia is God’s way of protecting both of us.

    I have told him he can do anything he wants to me. Immediately I walked that back: “Well, I don’t really want to get punched….” Later I realized that it’s true—he can do anything he wants to me—but not anything he *could* want. I would not have said that if I thought there was any chance that he wanted to actually harm me.

    He says he’s confused. I’m confused. I’m unhappy, and I’m *afraid*.

    Why, he asks.

    I think it has to do with demons who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls. He is my protection, and he agrees.

    I don’t feel protected.

    This feels disloyal, and possibly unsubmissive. Demanding, even.

    Am I in charge here? Am I in charge, at least, of myself, if he delegates that role to me?

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Hello NotMe, Thank you for writing. I am sorry about your situation. You are far from the only woman who wishes her man would lead, and who is still waiting. If you have done everything that you can to explain the value of his leadership, right now the best you can do is wait and pray. I know a good male mentor could help your husband as well, but he may not want one.

      Sadly, there are many today who would turn the order of marriage upside down, including having the man led by his wife, and disciplined by her. It is demonic, but a society which openly encourages men and women to pretend to be the opposite sex, also has no problem with twisting gender in other ways. It is a tragedy. If your husband demands that you lead him, I believe you may reject such a command, since it is against God for you to take on that role. However, in some instances you may be forced to make decisions by the simple fact he refuses to do so. I doubt that your husband is just afraid discipline could cause him to lose control, but it is always possible that is a fear. Nearly any man can learn to lead and correct his wife with wisdom and self control, and those who generally lose control did not need the idea of discipline to make them do it. They are just that way.

      I know it is hard. Continue to do your best to be a helpmate and a submissive wife to him, despite his refusal to lead and correct you. Your faithfulness will be rewarded. Blessings.

      1. Thank you Aron. I appreciate your concern, and your ministry.

        It is not precisely that he fails to lead, nor demands that *I* lead. He knows he’s in charge. He is kind and generous and loving and giving, and generally takes responsibility for steering the ship. But he doesn’t give me instructions, much less correction. I have to chuckle when you write about your wife taking your commands as suggestions, because I have to take his suggestions as commands. I think he gets the good fruits of my submission without even acknowledging that I have given that.

        If I ask him what he would like me to do, he says “you can do whatever you want”. While I’m sure many wives would consider that an ideal answer, it doesn’t help me because what I want is to obey. I suppose you could say that I can’t fail in obedience there—but it feels more as if I can’t succeed.

        Today he told me he was going to brace the fence differently from how I’d planned, and asked if that was all right with me. I said it was his decision, and he gave me that look, that he knew it was his decision but he wanted to know what I think. I told him I’d said what I think, and it’s his decision, and that I’m done making decisions. I’m tired. This is not particularly about us, but about the world in general where as you mentioned nothing seems to make sense anymore. Although I know a thing or two about fence bracing, I just don’t feel I know better than he does, and I don’t want to fight to get him to do what he wants rather than what I want. I promise you—promise—that I don’t have a history of turning around and telling him he’s wrong after he has made a decision. I help him make it work. It is my job and my role and my right to joyfully assist him.

        I have to say he treats me the same—if I make a decision about something that is in my purview, he supports me and helps me to feel good about it even if it doesn’t work as planned.

        But when I said I’m done making decisions—he said, “but what will I do?”! Partially joking I think. The small mean part of me wanted to say something hurtful and demeaning—what I actually said was something like “whatever you think”, but this is why I am afraid. I believe this is a demonic attack and we are at risk for me to say something I *really* don’t mean; something that didn’t actually arise from my own mind. And he is probably not, in his mind, in a place of true authority to correct me for it and we move on unscathed.

        Perhaps I underestimate him, and/or myself. I hope so.

        Everything is at stake.

        1. aronhusband Avatar

          Thank you for explaining further. So the gist of the matter is that you are looking for some clearer leadership as well as discipline. If your husband already is of the mindset to lead, but simply is not that firm about it, then he may be open-minded about learning from a male mentor. There are a number of different obstacles that are common to men when it comes to a desire to keep leadership soft. Once those obstacles are overcome, a man is often able to move forward very well. I appreciate all you do in seeking to be a good wife to your husband.

          1. Thank you Aron. Your words are very encouraging.

            I told my husband that I had written this long complaint, though I had not intended to tell him at all. But I can’t not tell him things. He is my head and I always tell him what I’ve done if it concerns him. He was willing to read so I printed out my posts and your response.

            He explained that he sees it as confusion over leadership styles. He says that when he looks around our house and land and sees things that I’ve done without being told or asking permission–that he sees that as his leadership in action. He tells me to do what I want because I think of things that wouldn’t have occurred to him. A good leader only hires people who can run the company…he wants me to be able to “run the company” when necessary.

            I told him, as I have in the past, that I always view everything I do as asking. I don’t ask, “May I put up shelves in the basement”. I plan the shelves and buy the materials and put up the shelves–or maybe just one to see what he thinks. When he comes home and sees them he tells me I’m wonderful and what a good idea it is. But I am always ready to undo everything if he says so.

            This is probably more work than just doing as I’m told. It is humbling to put thought and work into a project accepting that it may be vetoed at any time. But that is merely accepting my place and his authority. He isn’t honored if I ask him beforehand; he’s annoyed. I really work for that “you’re wonderful”!

            I want to feel that deep sense of submission that you speak of when–I can’t say the words as to when.

            There was an old movie about a high power executive crusading to push women’s fitness training. She even encouraged her cleaning lady to work out more so she wouldn’t be so tired. The cleaning lady said she was too busy for that kind of thing.

            “Oh, don’t make excuses,” said the exec, “there is no one busier than I am and I find time for this!”

            The cleaning lady gently explained that there is a difference between “want to be” busy and “got to be” busy.

            I think there is also a difference between “want to” obey and “got to” obey.

            I would like to be more on the “got to” end of the spectrum. I feel as if I’ve done all I can from the “want to” perspective.

            You refer to common obstacles for men. Can you elaborate? Or is that not a topic to share with women? 🙂

          2. aronhusband Avatar

            Hello NotMe, There is some amount of variance in how leadership can be applied. This is true. However, even a leader who trusts those under him, still makes sure they operate within the rules, and can still step in to tell them what they need to do if they have missed something, and he can still correct them if they are doing wrong. He furthermore sets the overall aims, and decides how many processes will work. I am not a micromanager, and I trust my wife to take care of her own projects, but she knows what my rules are, and she knows she has to operate within them. When I need her to do something I tell her directly, and she knows she needs to do it. She knows any major decision or spending needs to go through me.

            Yes, obstacles for me would include what you mention: he may be afraid of hurting you if he uses discipline. He may also have to overcome what becomes ingrained from the culture, which is a overall disrespect for masculinity and strength in a husband. Western culture would call a man names just for telling his wife what to do, or for telling her how to spend the money. It takes time to erase some of that nonsense from the soul. I have an article on some of the reasons men are hesitant to step into that role:

            I understand you want clearer direction, which is admirable. Not only is it normal to want to receive instructions, but a woman in particular feels safe and fulfilled in her man’s strength, so his direction takes on a special role for her. For now, I know you will do your best to be your husband’s helper. I’m sure he greatly appreciates you.

      2. I want to amend my reply, so I apologize if this shows up out of order.

        I didn’t say it was his decision, when he asked if it were all right with me. I said OK. The former way sounds kind of passive-aggressive, and I truly believe I am not that. I affirmed his choice.

        1. I cannot think of a single thing that would qualify as my husband’s “rules” for me. I can’t think of any thing he has ever told me directly to do, with a couple of rare exceptions:

          He told me early in our married life never to cut my hair—then immediately backtracked and told me I should do whatever I wanted with it. Kind of stepped all over that warm glow I was starting to enjoy thinking that he likes my hair! I’ve told him since how lucky I feel that he slipped up and let me know what he wants, that one time.

          Once our car was slipping off our snowy driveway, about to tip into a ravine, but stopped precariously for the moment. He asked me to get out. But I was on the uphill, better supported side, and asked if that wouldn’t make the car less stable and riskier for him. He repeated that I should get out. Please. So I got out—and after a bit of finagling he got the car out. I think I had to go get the neighbor and his tractor. But I realized that getting me out of harm’s way just made the situation simpler for him. I am not ashamed of questioning his judgment, once, on that occasion, because that is my job, helping him to think things through. You better believe I was meek. I was terrified.

          We’d been married for over ten years at that point. Much earlier, surely in the first few months, he had given me a clear directive which I suppose actually does amount to a rule for me.

          “You have to tell me when I’m wrong.” That is his rule for me. Maybe I just do a bang-up job of making up rules for myself? One of my friends told me once that she could tell I put a great deal of care into how I speak to my husband. But doesn’t everybody? Isn’t that just love?

          1. aronhusband Avatar

            Thank you for your comment. Probably the first rule I set for my future wife was that she needed to dress modestly. Then I gradually shaped that standard over time. I also let her know early on that she needed to be on time, and call if there was some reason she had to be late. I do not let her cut her hair short either, but she can have the occasional small trim just to keep it under control. I think your husband is not wholly comfortable with authority, and certainly has absorbed some of the cultural attitudes about men not telling their wives what to do. Over time, that kind of thing ,even if absorbed by the culture, kind of becomes a personal philosophy. He may see things differently in the future.

  16. He would never have had to tell me to dress modestly; I do that for God already. And also so as to not sexually harass the men around me, not that I’m much to look at, except in his loving eyes.

    I am seldom on time for anything but I always call—I didn’t when we were first married but that was before there was mobile. I generally cut my hair every five or ten years, for a reason—once it was because I hoped it would help with my neck pain (it didn’t). Once because I wanted to learn to swim and not have to wash long hair every day or risk it turning green. I would never cut my hair without asking him, except for the fact that I know he would never forbid me and he likes change. He says it grows back. But I love it long and feminine. He told me today that he likes that too, which was nice.

    Perhaps he’s uncomfortable with authority, though I think he would say not. I think he would say that he doesn’t *want* to tell me what to do. Or that he doesn’t have to since I work so hard to please him.

    I think it’s lovely that you provide your wife with direction and appreciation in these respects. I would like to have that. But I accept his authority however he presents it to me.

    He’s the King. 🙂

    1. So. Is it harmful for a man, spiritually, if he rules his home lightly and allows his wife to do as she will? Supposing her will is generally to the good and she is working all the time to heed God and obey her husband wherever she can find that he has a preference.

      Is it harmful if he doesn’t feel that he deserves the respect that he actually receives?

      Thank you.


      1. aronhusband Avatar

        Even with a godly wife, a man still needs to lay down the rules, and set certain standards for the home. He may not need to chastise his wife often, but he will probably need to on occasion. He should not just let thing go.

  17. Hi Aron,
    My situation was somewhat similar to some of the other posts. My husband and I have been married for 35 years. We were never told about the importance of Biblical roles when we were married. I have a very strong will and married my husband who had a much more passive nature. Sad to say for 34 1/2 years of our marriage we have struggled with verbal incriminations and fighting, week long periods of no speaking (started by me), 2 separations and many of our arguments taking place in front or in earshot of our children. Our daughter told me one day that she is afraid of marriage because of the example she has grown up with. Early on in our marriage I had tried to get my husband to be corrective of me but he rejected that and me thus causing one of the separations. Looking back on this period the other day, he said that he could see that it was a cry for help and authority that he didn’t recognize. By the middle of 2023, I realized that we were barely living together as friends. Our sex life had been done for many years and we didn’t even seem to miss it or notice this lack. The one thing that kept us going though was that we both have a strong commitment and love for the Lord. We were just greatly lacking in any teaching. Even when I had sought out direction from two pastors there was nothing said about our roles as husband and wife. The instruction I received was to dress sexier at night which might help to keep us together. Fast forward to August of 2023. I was scanning the internet for any marital advice. I came across 1 website on Christian Domestic Roles and your website on Christian Domestic Discipline. I studied and read everything I could find about it. As I read about the wives who have experienced such peace and forgiveness both from themselves as well as their husbands thru discipline I wanted that also. I finally got the courage to very hesitantly bring the subject up to my husband. The first words out of his mouth were, “It looks like I should put you over my knee”.
    We started reading and listening to all of the podcasts and writings we could find. Your writings are exemplary Aron. We have listened to and absorbed everything you have written. My husband sees definite value in spanking but does not want to just spank for every little infraction. In the meantime as we have been learning so much, I was feeling such guilt and shame for the many, many times that I had emasculated him, hindered his leadership and totally disrespected him. I was not experiencing peace. I felt that even though each time we had made peace and he had forgiven me, I had gotten away with everything and never paid the price for my actions. I asked him one day to spank me so that I could experience the self forgiveness and cleansing that other women had. He agreed. Due to his kind and forgiving nature, he tried to talk me out of it saying that he forgave me. I still chose to go through with the discipline. I never knew he had it in him to spank me so hard when he did! It didn’t last long but left a lasting impression for sure! He didn’t forget the kind aftercare. Thankfully I have experienced that wonderful peace and have forgiven myself and put the past in the past.
    Since we have a teenage son and daughter at home, we wait until they are both at the church youth group on Tuesdays for our accountability session. So far all has been good and we have wonderful talks together. My husband definitely knows though that he has a tool to use should my attitude, sassiness, disrespect or willfulness rise up. He said yesterday that he doesn’t foresee any more issues as we have dealt with in the past rising up and lasting as he will deal with them quickly. I am so thankful for my husband and so proud of him. I can see the relief and joy in him as I am gladly submitting to his authority and headship. I have such a renewed love and closeness to him. I can’t seem to be near him enough! Our sexual life has resumed as it is supposed to be. Even our kids are greatly noticing the difference. They don’t know why as we feel this is our own personal decision.
    I just want to say thank you a million times over Aaron for your faithfulness in taking the time to share these messages. They are vitally important! May God richly bless you and your family as you continue to serve Him and us (your readers).

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      You’re welcome. Thank you for sharing your wonderful testimony. Often it is the structure and the discipline alone which overcome marital difficulties like you describe. So many couples go into marriage without a clear sense of authority and submission, and without a way of dealing with a wife’s bad behavior, that it becomes conflict, coldness, and resentment. Intimacy frequently is harmed. Loving authority and heartfelt submission are a cure for many ills. It also helps men be more loving and strong leaders. It helps them take responsibility. I hope your experience is an encouragement to other couples. There is a way through the storm.

  18. There certainly is a way thru the storms that come from ignorance of our God appointed roles. I will just add that my husband and I are going away overnight this coming week to REALLY celebrate our 35th wedding anniversary. It was so thrilling to be able to pick out a card that truly spoke from my heart of my newfound love for my husband. We both have spoken of how we feel like newlyweds again! We are basking in our renewed devotion and love! I know that there will be times in the future where issues will come up, however as my husband continues to grow in his position of authority and helps me in my submission thru consistent discipline and guidance, the next 35 years will be wonderful!
    Once again thank you Aron!!!!

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Congratulations on your many years of marriage. I am very happy for both of you.

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