Does a Woman Need to Obey All Men?

The question is sometimes asked, both among users of domestic discipline and among marriage traditionalists in general, if a woman’s submission towards her husband needs to be extended to all men. It sounds a little like a simple question, and many minds would immediately answer no. However, it is not so simple, and opens up new questions about how we treat each other as men and women, so it’s worth spending time with. A wife may not formally be under the authority of another man, but does her womanhood affect how she will respond to him anyway?

One reason this comes up in the spanking community also, is that in BDSM, relationships are not always monogamous. One person who is a “Dom” may actually have his “Sub” have to obey another man. He may at times require his Sub to be punished by another man. Most of us who simply practice wife spanking in marriage do not deal with this situation, but parts of the leather community certainly do, and it brings the question of obedience to the forefront. Is obedience only to the immediate authority?

To give the short answer: a wife is only under her husband’s authority, and she only needs to obey him. She took on that role when she got married and said her vows. Marriage is monogamous, and no other man has that unique relationship with her. That means other men simply cannot come up to her and demand, with any expectation of obedience, that she do something. Even when there is some problem with her behavior, he may only advise her or warn her according to God’s word. If she is disobeying her husband, he can legitimately tell her she needs to obey her husband. For anything more than that, he would need to speak to her husband, and let him deal with it. He is the only man to do the job.

The longer answer, of course, touches on other aspects of our relationships. For there are certain ways in which women do obey men in general. There are certain ways in which women uniquely honor men in general, and they should. Regarding the first point, a woman obeys other men in the sense that at various points in her life, she is under the authority of other men. When she is growing up, she is under her father’s authority, who is head of the home, and who is over her mother. In this culture this generally ends when she leaves home, which is often long before marriage. In the past, and in other cultures today, it may last longer, and she may stay at home, under her father’s command, until she is married. Moreover, since men ought to be the ones running the business world, and the state, she should be under a man if she goes to work as a singly lady, and she should be under a man in obeying the law as a citizen. There may be no specific prohibition on women serving in the state, but it is a man’s job, and if everyone is fulfilling their role, a woman in such an office will be very rare. That means that in quite a few domains in life beyond marriage, a woman obeys men.

We can also speak of the general honor which women ought to give men, regardless of whether she is married to them. Men are the leaders. Men are stronger mentally and physically. Men developed advanced civilizations both ancient and modern, and provided us the arts and sciences, long before there was any meaningful amount of female participation in these things. Men also tend to do the heavy, dangerous, and laborious work today, putting their bodies at risk to support their families, and to help society. Your road, your house, your oil pipeline were almost entirely built by men, and the heavier yard work was done by them as well, with great effort. We live in a society which trains women to belittle men, but the opposite is true. Women should go out of their way to show men honor as leaders, and for providing all they have provided, from the past to the present. It is worthy of honor. They should be sincerely grateful. 

On a practical level, what does this mean? It means a wife will show to other men some of that high respect she shows her husband. It may be that she offers them food, or to serve them at home in another way. It may be she lets them speak, and does not butt in. She asks gently if she may add something if it’s necessary. It also means she refrains from belittling men, either personally or as men, but speaks good of them. She does not belittle manhood in general, or male strength in general, as is common in our present culture. She shows open respect for it, knowing all that manhood does for her, and being grateful. A male guest may not be able to order her what to do, but she wants to do his will anyway. The overall attitude of a wife should be — how can I help you? This is the spirit she fills her home with, and guests will see it.

I have never had to deal specifically with my wife’s behavior around other men, since she is gentle and respectful to all. She never tries to act like a man, or butt in herself. However, if I witnessed disrespectful behavior from her towards men, I would tell her. That would earn her a verbal correction, and if serious or repeated, she would get punished. Her behavior needs to be feminine, not just towards me, but towards others. She may not badmouth other men, just as she may not badmouth me. She needs to be there to serve guests, and should be a helper to them, even though they are not the authority. The line between male and female domains does get blurred sometimes, and there are not exact rules to every interaction, but a wife who is clearly stepping over the line needs to be corrected by her husband, even if it is simply a word of warning. That will help her learn her role, and stay safely under the protection of men. We need more men to supervise their wife’s behavior in this regard. 

Could a man temporarily place his wife under the authority of another man? If it is a work area, in which she needs to function as an assistant in a job, then he could do this on a limited basis. Of course, it would not be the broad authority that the husband has, but another man could have limited work authority, as happens in work relationships all the time. The wife may not practice the broad obedience in all domains in such a situation, but she would practice the obedience necessary to that specific domain. Anything like spanking would still be handled by the husband, because of its intimate nature. If it were not a specific work area, I’d say a husband should never place his wife under another authority, as another man simply does not have that role on a personal level. He only carries it on a work level when necessary, and uses it to manage those under him, for the sake of completing a job. Any kind of personal use of authority needs to remain between husband and wife. 

Many would note, while speaking on this subject, that men also treat women in a special way, whether they are their wife or not. This is appropriate too. We are not the same creatures, and we are not built the same. We have differing bodies and minds. We have differing feelings and forms of communication. That means men show special care around all women, honoring them as the weaker vessel, the bearer of life, and caring for their purity everywhere. Something as simple as telling a woman she looks beautiful is a sign of this, and any woman loves to hear it. A man my tell the lady at the bakery she’s looking lovely. He doesn’t tell his friend Gunter he’s looking lovely. This should not be difficult to understand. Similarly, men honor women by helping them out if they have something difficult to do, or if they are in danger. We may also help other men, but we do so more frequently with women, because women are the weaker vessel, being more easily hurt physically, and more easily harmed by stress mentally. We want them to feel safe and at rest. If there is something heavy to carry, we carry it. If they are uneasy about walking to their car in the dark, we walk them. While you don’t see it as often today, men should protect women in general from impurity. They should not want cussing, lewdness, or vile insults spoken around women. We respect that they are more sensitive, and that they can be harmed more easily by these things. They are also the bearers of life, with children both inside them and at their side, who themselves need special protection. It should be a societal norm that you do not speak filthy around a woman, and that you rebuke those who do.

It should be remembered that applications of these principles will vary. There are few things which are clearly right or wrong. Men may handle them differently in their home, managing male and female interactions differently. Local culture will also vary, as even among traditional families, expectations are not the same, and the broader culture often creeps in. A wife should simply follow her man’s expectations of her around male guests, and around other men in general. Man and wife should have clear communication about what is expected, so there is no confusion in what at times can be confusing territory. It’s better to talk about these situations before they arise, than wait to see what happens later. If a wife is not sure of how to behave, she can simply ask her husband in the moment. Marriage may be a unique relationship, but it reaches deeply into what makes us men and women, and we simply should not forget that we have roles as men and women apart from marriage.