Problems You Have without Discipline

Casual readers who hear about wife spanking are often quick to jump on potential problems with it. Even if they are generally accepting, they seem sure that someone’s going to do something wrong, and the practice is fraught with physical or emotional peril. This is a great exaggeration of course. But it also stems from only seeing a small piece of the picture, one which misses the many other options couples try, and the inevitable problems which occur down those roads, roads without real authority or discipline. One cannot be overly concerned with potential harm from a spanking when one has fully examined the much greater and I believe much more frequent harm which comes from a lack of leadership in marriage.

As many couples would tell you, spanking has helped keep their marriages nearly free of problems other homes suffer from. Others began headship and discipline only after those problems had arisen, with dragon-like ferocity, and found that spanking truly brought things to peace. It quelled the beast. That is why it has helped countless marriages avoid far worse damage that might occur from imperfections in a discipline system. A useful tool, even if it may be used wrongly at times, is still a useful tool, and is used to repair and construct glorious things many times over. I have never once regretted bringing spanking into my marriage, and can easily imagine the difficulties without it as an effective punishment. 

One of the most obvious problems that occurs all the time in egalitarian households is the battle of wills. This is often characterized by hot friction; that is by fighting and screaming, and at times physical violence. Husbands and wives scream at each other across the house, they cuss, and otherwise insult each other. Fights have nothing in common with loving discipline but are very sorry and out-of-control affairs in which both spouses are usually left miserable. Violence includes throwing things, breaking stuff (possibly stuff belonging to your beloved), shoving, slapping, or punching the other in anger. People often assume physical violence is a man’s affair, but this is wrong. Not only did the feminist change in the culture the past century greatly increase violence and crime by women, but one recent study found that about 70% of unreciprocated acts of domestic violence are by the woman, not by the man. If marriage is a battle of two personalities, other than a rare couple which just manage to be gentle about every disagreement, some degree of fighting is bound to occur. Of that fighting which does occur, some will truly be dangerous, not at all comparable to a self-controlled spanking, but comparable to a bar fight or a stabbing. Out of control angry violence is a poor replacement for loving discipline. Marriage is not meant to be a battle of two wills, or a balance of two personalities. When you try to do that it’s a recipe for conflict and misery most of the time. Chaos and friction are a truly predictable result. 

Similar to the hot firefight of many marriages, the egalitarian marriage equally suffers a cold front. The cold war of passive aggressive tactics to hurt the other, of bitterness and resentment from a wrong. Such anger hidden inside is always looking for ways to get back at the other, even in small slights, and it creates an often loveless, and at times miserable day to day environment. Man or wife may stew in their bitterness in silence, and refuse to speak to the other. There is a quiet war going on. Old scores are never settled. Memories of wrongs from years ago are kept alive. Husband and wife each look at the other as if something is wrong with them, and wish they had something more in life. This warfare equally points to the flaw of having a marriage without loving authority, and without discipline. It simply pits two persons against the other when there is a disagreement, and lets their personalities and wills decide fate. That is not how marriage was ever meant to be, and it causes misery, and broken homes. We are meant to rely rather on a God-given and natural order, rather than an unstable foundation of personality. 

Imagine if you will a home life of unhappiness. A place where husband comes home and does not see the battles of the work day ended. He sees more battles arise. The wife is not on his side. She disrespects him. The children see they are divided and take advantage of it. Communication is either completely unloving, or a tit-for-tat exchange, that tears everyone down. There is no one there to build you up, but only to tear you down. Imagine how easy it is to consider getting out of that situation; to find some flaw in your vows; to become certain you’d been fooled into marrying the one to whom you said “I do”; to simply give up and start planning for a new life and a new family. Countless couples do that simply because they do not possess the structure God designed marriage to have and are suffering the bad results.

Couples who have embraced a marriage with no true headship suffer multiple other evils. They have to live with the guilt of what they have done to their spouse, remembering their unkind words, and cruel acts. It lives inside them every day, buried, and waiting to arise in the next conflict. It is a sin from which they never seem to be free. They further feel bad about themselves, absorbing the blows of the insults and disrespect of their spouse, to become bruised and self-loathing inside. Couples with much conflict also often suffer from a lack of sex for extended periods, as the marriage bed becomes a battle ground, being used only to give rewards, and being withheld to punish the other. If husband and wife grow to despise one another, the act to becomes despicable and undesirable. They are stuck living together, but as a pair that looks very different from man and wife.

Let us not forget the many habits and wrongs which discipline corrects, and the harm they would cause in a marriage when they are never addressed. That could be a wife who is out drinking, or who neglects her children. Should these continue endlessly, or be unaddressed? It could be a wife who takes on the man’s role instead of the woman’s, preaching in church, finding her life outside the home, making herself look in appearance more like a man as well. It could be her irresponsible habits and the practical and financial problems they cause for the household. These disappear shortly with discipline, but are ruinous at times when there is no effective measure to stop them. Many wives, without their man’s leadership, get married and let themselves blow up like a balloon, a detriment both to their health and to their man’s attraction to them. All of these wrongs and more can be dealt with and corrected by a husband’s firm hand. Left alone without the right guidance, they are all a harm for the household and for society. No husband should need to stand their passively, and be incapable of handling them.

The final end for many marriages is the end of divorce. This is true of nearly half of marriages in America, and Christians are not far from this societal norm either. They divorce and remarry epidemically, despite that the Bible teaches this is sin. To worry about the possible negative consequences of marital spanking and ignore the tumult, conflict, and divorce that occurs in countless marriages without it is to completely fail to see the whole picture. Divorce is as violent as it gets, by the way. Almighty God calls it an act of violence in the prophets, which covers the garments with blood. It could be compared to slowly sawing a man in two, as one flesh is attempted to be ripped apart into two again. The pain, the terrible results for the children, and the frequency of violence, murder, and suicide around the time of a divorce also testify to its wrongness and its sin. It is one of the worst things that can ever happen to a man in life. 

These evils and other problems that arise are very well taken care of by man’s authority and his use of discipline. When used justly and with love, they are essential to marriage, and very important to having household joy and peace. Man and wife do not need to battle things out. The man is in charge. His wife understands that he makes the decisions, and he knows to care for her good, and is willing to hear her counsel. The structure alone makes marriage impervious to numerous battles, and the long-lasting negative results of them. She is there to help him and the follow what he says, and not to do battle with him. Discipline further keeps the peace, and puts conflict in the past very quickly. Disrespect and badmouth by a wife is ended very soon with punishment. Women who want to reject their man’s decisions or make an argument over everything learn they will end up with a burning backside, so they learn other behavior instead. They learn to be there to help their husband, to speak gently, to stop trying to tell him what to do. Similarly, guilt is put in the past even faster than fighting and bad behavior is. A spanking deals with the wrong, and alleviates the guilt. Criticism is constructive, and is not a put-down. The problem is in the past, and she is in right standing with her husband, to return to being his helper, never to be judged for that wrong again. Judgment and punishment is brief, and when it is over, she is free. That’s why many couples who spank will tell you both of the long-term peace it brings, as well as the short-term feeling after the punishment is over, which restores her to gentleness, and feels like a peaceful silence. 

This is all important to remember if you feel challenged by the difficulties in building a marriage with authority and submission. It should be remembered when you think the risks of discipline may be great. They are honestly much greater on the other side. That is in marriages which are openly egalitarian, or in which headship is nominal, and cannot practically be enforced. Those marriages suffer the damages of regular fighting, verbal and physical. They create an environment in which hostility and friction is nearly inevitable. They are not free of violence, some of which is horrific, and frequently end in divorce. Women go off and do their own thing, and even if it causes trouble on end, there is no one to stop it. Men know they are not in charge. They know they cannot get what they want. Long lingering resentment and bitterness for harms past is not rare, even occurring over many years. That’s why many men do not wish to marry, and view it inevitably as a losing game. It is that misery and more that ought to lead more couples to establish their marriage on a very different order, one of headship and submission. It is far less burdensome, and less risky, than society’s alternative. 


22 responses to “Problems You Have without Discipline”

  1. Because I am a very naturally submissive person, I think that even if I wasn’t spanked I would not have a marriage like you described above. I do not think we would get into a battle of wills because it’s not in my nature to do so. I would prefer not to be spanked but I recognize that I will submit to my husband’s decision on that. I do not get spanked often but when I do, I understand what is the reasoning. I don’t get spanked for arguing because I don’t argue with him. If ever I were to feel like arguing I would turn to prayer instead.

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Thank you for your comment, Darcy. You have a very godly and mature attitude. If a wife is naturally responsible and easily submissive, then the household can have plenty of peace without much discipline at all. I very much agree. Not all women want to get into a battle of wills with their husband. However, in my experience, even a generally submissive woman needs her husband’s discipline from time to time, as it corrects other problems besides rebelliousness.

      I write here about the overall effects of establishing a husband’s clear headship and the use of discipline. When these things are in place, marriages see fewer problems, the roles are reinforced, and it is harder to slip out of them. When they are not in place, women find it easy to be disobedient, and some people even encourage them to do so. There are more than a few women who will fall into the problems I’ve described if they have an obvious chance to. It is also more than a few women who want to obey, but find it much easier to do so when they are held accountable by their husband, and steered with firm discipline. They see the way much more easily.

  2. Elisabeth Mary Avatar
    Elisabeth Mary

    We are new to this (less than two months). I am a very strong, very tough woman, I am a boss girl, and many of the negative things that Aron writes about above are common in our home. After punishment, I can keep behaving for a day or less. Today was only two hours away from the harsh punishment. Something always comes up and I get really mad at my husband and immediately break all the 4Ds. My husband is better at his HoH role than I am at mine. He’s punishing me for infractions, he’s moved on to harsh spankings, but even the thought of an extremely sore bottom won’t stop me from being disrespectful. It’s frustrating. We would like to live CDD, but it seems that I am completely unsuitable for this. My pride and defiance probably cannot be broken. I’m sorry, I’m trying, but I can’t.At the same time, I really wish that my pride would be broken and I could be a good Christian woman. I pray for it.

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Hello Elisabeth, I’m glad that you have begun working on your problems. Give discipline some time, and give your husband time to grow into managing you. He definitely needs to be consistent with discipline, and harsh enough. However, he also needs to be leading you in other ways, which will help you grow in your womanhood and submission.

      You also have to do your part. Do not make excuses for your behavior. There is no personality type which justifies being disrespectful or disobedient to your husband. It’s terrible behavior and you can leave it in the past. You simply need to let go of some very poor attitudes, and learn new ones. You need to set that goal of submission and embrace it with your heart.

      If you are a Christian your faith should help you in being renewed in your soul. However, submission is not unique to a Christian, and any woman in the world can learn it.

      Feel free to write me at my e-mail if you would like to discuss it. Take care.

    2. Less than two months is probably not enough time to unlearn a lifetime of indoctrination. You are not a boss girl–you’ve been promoted. You’re a wife.

      You can keep behaving. You’re very strong and very tough. This is not a role for the weak or faint of heart. You can use that strength to fight your husband or to help him.

      Helping is more fun.

  3. May I ask how harsh a severe spanking should be? I’ve done something really wrong, and my husband wants to use a spanking to punish me. I don’t want to get into the depth of exactly what I did, but around how many strokes / how harsh should it be?

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Hello Mary, Thank you for your question. It is really a matter of discernment how harsh a spanking needs to be. Most important are the results, in that it changes your behavior and your attitude. It should be hard enough to fit the crime.

      I do not count strokes when I spank, and I have a personal idea of how much strength to use, which works for me. I just let experience lead me to where I have an idea how long and hard a spanking ought to be.

      All of the spankings I give a thorough, and include many strokes. Even an average one can leave my wife sore for a day or two. If it had to be especially harsh, it would leave her sore longer than that.

      It definitely should be hard enough you never want to receive it again, and you are wishing it was over the whole time.

      I have this article which deals with the average spanking:

      This one deals with the harsher kind:

      Here is one about the number of strokes:

      I hope that helps.

      1. Do you think it’s appropriate for there to be bruising and extreme redness? Currently, my husband only gives me 10 strokes using a dowel at most, so it’s really not even remotely close to the punishments you describe in your blog. It hurts a bit when I’m receiving the punishment, and I feel a little bit of heat afterwards, but I do not feel any soreness after the actual punishment. There are slight pink marks left after, but they don’t last a long time. I do know I really messed up this time, and my husband does too, and he wants me to write how many strokes I think I should receive with a belt (he does this always, and he usually makes it even harder if he deems my choice to not be suitable). He and I recently discovered your blog, and I think he’s trying to give harsher punishments a try. I was thinking of writing 50 strokes with the belt, but I was not sure if that’s way too harsh and painful. I feel like that may leave many bruises and marks, and I’m afraid that may be way too much for me to handle. I do want an appropriate punishment though, and I do think what I’ve done is so bad, it deserves many strokes.

        1. aronhusband Avatar

          Hello Mary, I’m glad you are concerned that the punishment be appropriate, and that it be harsh enough. Some amount of bruising is acceptable, as are small welts. Far safety, it is just important to avoid hitting unprotected parts, such as the tail bone, or breaking the skin. Fifty or more strokes with the belt make a fine punishment. A lot comes down to force though, with any instrument, and your husband will just need to judge how much of his strength to use through experience. He should not be afraid of hurting you, as a spanking is supposed to hurt.

          1. Today, we finished with the spanking, and although we agreed it was going to be 50 strokes, I think he got a little bit scared when he saw my bottom very pink / red with some small welts, so it ended at around 15 strokes. It did hurt, but I’m not sure exactly if it fit the punishment. I definitely did not want any more strokes though and was so glad it ended there. I know you said he should not be afraid of hurting me, but I think he really is. He’s a very compassionate person, and he definitely feels scared to go to a point where it is leaving marks and causing me to cry and be in extreme pain. I don’t really want to go to the point where every single spanking is extremely painful to the point where it leaves marks and have me cry, but at the same time I don’t feel like the spankings that I’m currently getting are very effective. It’s an experience I don’t enjoy, but I don’t fear it much either.

          2. aronhusband Avatar

            Hello Mary, It takes time for a husband to adjust punishments so that they are appropriately hard or long. Just speak with him gently about your need for more firm discipline. It is relevant to tell him you would not fear a punishment like that, since the desire to avoid punishment can be a useful deterrent. Going over fifteen strokes isn’t going to injure you. Either way, do your best to lean from the lesson he just gave you, and obey what he says.

  4. Sophia Avatar

    Aron, you’ve described so well the type of marriage that we all want to avoid. Everyone who has said “I do” fears the anger and strife that ultimately leads to divorce. We marry because we truly love our spouse, and we have beautiful hopes for our future together. The difference is that those of us who believe in male headship are honest with ourselves about the things which threaten marital harmony. We know that men must exercise their God-given authority and that women must accept it with grace and humility. We know that partnership in marriage is a myth that leads to unhappiness, so we embrace our natural roles and the peace and harmony that it breeds. We experience the true blessings of God’s love.

    But I do want to say that just because my husband and I have rejected the notion of equality in our marriage doesn’t mean that we don’t work together within this beautiful union. There is cooperation and respect and teamwork, but we also know that we each serve very different functions in our family. I don’t want women to be scared away by the thought that being submissive means they are “less than” within their household. My husband prizes me above all except God, and he has vowed to love and protect me for as long as we live. I don’t want to be my husband’s pal, I want to be his wife, and accepting his holy authority has allowed us to build something far more beautiful and loving than an equal partnership. I am a jewel, polished through his careful leadership. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

    Yes, of course, discipline is rooted in a man’s ultimate authority over his wife. But there is also an intimacy and a mutual willingness to live this way that forms a very special bond between my husband and I. We are adults who have chosen to open our hearts to God’s wisdom. I am not a child or someone who has been forced into a subordinate position. I am not raped or abused. I stood by my husband’s side at the altar before God (who loves us equally), and entered into this holy union of my own accord. I value the role that discipline plays in our marriage. I accept punishment and pray that I learn from it with an open and submissive heart. To say that we are not equals doesn’t mean that I don’t have a voice in our marriage. It simply means that when there is a difference in our thinking, I defer to his wisdom. I actively choose my marriage over the prospect of raising my daughter in a broken home. A ship cannot be steered in two directions at once, and so God asked wives to step back. He asked them to help their men and to follow direction without resistance. He uniquely designed men with the skills needed for leadership, and He designed women to blossom under their care. Following God’s plan is the best possible life for a woman.

    If you are a woman reading this and you’re experiencing some difficulties in your marriage, pray that God will open your heart and show you the beauty of His plan for you. Close your eyes and imagine your husband excelling at his job, leading his team to close an important deal. Picture how hard he works and how much he is respected by his colleagues. Then think to yourself how much he deserves your respect and your help in the home so that he can continue to do his best work. Ask yourself whether your actions seek to build him up. Do your words praise him and let him know how much you love him? If it is difficult sometimes to step back, remind yourself that serving your husband is the best way to honor God and respect the marriage vows you made before Him. Embracing your feminine heart will naturally cause your man to feel protective of you and will bring out a tenderness in him that you may not have seen when you were battling to be heard as an equal. Listen to him with your whole heart and share your body with him freely. I guarantee that you’ll see positive changes.

    Many blessings to all of Aron’s readers!

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Thank you for that insightful picture of a loving marriage with discipline. It is so important to see that marriage exists in a full three dimensions, and that discipline expresses itself as an outworking of love. It does help any woman blossom in her femininity, and helps to bring forth the joy in marriage.It does not come apart form a man and wife’s commitment to love one another for life. I know people who have suffered the consequences of not having authority and discipline in their marriage, and have come to misery as a result. So much of that misery will go away when you embrace authority and discipline within the union of love. Peace to you and your family.

      1. Withered Avatar

        What if there’s no blossoming? While it’s undeniable that my husband and I are closer than ever, on the whole I feel less than I was before, and I don’t know what to do with this.

        1. aronhusband Avatar

          Hello, I would speak with your husband about it, and see what his thoughts are. Ultimately though, the value of discipline really does not come down to how one feels. It is the results overall we should look at. If discipline has helped your behavior and attitude towards him, then it is valuable. It’s also good that it has made you closer, as you have noted. There may also be questions on the application of either leadership or correction, which could affect how you feel.

          Often feeling bad is not a result of anything objectively bad, but rather a result of unrealistic desires or of personal pride. I’d just keep my eyes on the mail goals in marriage, and make that your focus. Following those goals ought to lift you up. If you’d like to discuss it in some detail, either you or your husband are free to write me. Thank you.

        2. His-bride-Lauren Avatar

          I suspect what you are feeling is the erosion of your pride and ego. Prior to marrying my husband, I was a very independent, spirited person (defiant, my husband might say!). It was a shock to the system, settling into my role as a submissive wife, living to serve my husband and the Lord, rather than myself. I felt I had lost something of myself for the first year of my marriage. And in a way I had lost something- My ego, my belief that women and men were exactly alike, my delusion that women should be independent from their husbands, my selfishness. I lost all of these. And I lost a piece of my former guy guys identity. But in time I realised it was a part of myself I was glad to be rid of. I gained so much more than I lost. Of course it is difficult at times, and sometimes I see the person I once was reappearing, but my husband is on hand to guide me back into the right path. It takes time, but soon you’ll realise that what you have gained is worth so much more than what you’ve lost.

        3. Hello Withered! I’ve thought a lot about you since you shared this request for help. I hope that you’ve followed Aron’s wise advice and shared your inner struggles with your husband. He has been tasked by God with not just your discipline, but your life-long happiness. He is your protection from our misguided feminist culture and the one responsible for your training and education as his bride.

          I agree with Lauren that it can be a difficult process to tame your ego, bringing it down to a modest size after a lifetime of being told that you’re the same as a man – better, even. Trading your pride for submissive service to your man requires some time to get used to. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t feel the way you think you should right away. As you said yourself, it has brought you closer to your husband already. More benefits will come, I promise.

          In the meantime, I would encourage you to pray and reflect on your relationship with God. Does serving Him mean that are less than? Of course not! It means that you are one of His most precious possessions. Cleansed by the blood of His only Son, and destined for eternal happiness. Serving Him makes me feel radiant and pure, filled with so much of His love I could burst. I know that serving the man He has bound me to in holy marriage is not only another path to Him, but an expectation that He holds for all His women. Offer up your service in marriage to God and ask that he open your heart to its true purpose.

          Right now, you are in the hands of a highly skilled gardener, safe and warm inside his greenhouse. Yes, he is pruning you and clipping off your thorns, which I know can hurt sometimes. Your heart is bound into a tight bud now, scared and anxious, but his love will soften you and allow those petals to slowly open. Through his care, when spring has come, your soul will produce the most beautiful blooms imaginable. You’ll discover a beauty that just wouldn’t have been possible had you been left on your own on the wild. Have faith!

  5. Cresta Avatar

    This post is more right on than some part of me wants to admit. Sometimes I have objected to discipline, or he has decided he doesn’t want to discipline me anymore. Then we slowly descend into chaos.

    But when we are both clear that he is the boss of me, that he calls the shots, and that he gets to enforce that however/whenever/for whatever reason he wishes/ suddenly we are cooperating, in harmony, and peace reigns. It’s wild how much it makes everything better.

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Thanks for your comment, Cresta. That’s one of the things that spanking accomplishes well, besides punishing a certain offense; it deeply instills the authority and submission which need to be in place between man and wife. Once that is established firmly, so many other things work well in the marriage. A big part is simply knowing who is in charge.

  6. His-bride-Lauren Avatar

    I think you’ve hit the nail on the head when you talk about how the discipline is brief and the problem (but not the lesson it taught) is soon forgotten.

    have friends and even my own parents, who have unresolved issues that seem to span the entire relationship. During every argument, even if entirely unrelated, these issues get brought up and they add this same topic onto the things they’re arguing about.

    This simply isn’t the case for myself and my husband, which is a major advantage of CDD. If I err, my husband lectures me, smacks me, gives me corner time, I apologise, we pray together and then we make up. That is it. The issue is resolved in an hour or so and we don’t speak of it anymore (unless I keep repeating the same bad behaviour, in which case we’ve got bigger issues). There is no casting up past transgressions, there is no lingering resentment over unresolved issues, there is no undermining each other in front of others or making snide remarks. We don’t fall out, full stop. Whilst I fear and dislike my discipline, there is no falling out between us.

    My husband and myself are in our mid twenties and we have a more mature relationship than any other people we know, certainly far more healthy than my parents’ relationship. We owe that to this lifestyle and the recognition that men and women have certain roles in the relationship and we each have to fulfil those roles, rather than fighting nature. In some ways I’m glad my parents argued so much throughout my childhood, because it steered me towards this way of life. I am not naturally submissive, but I can’t imagine living any other way. Nor can my husband.

    Ps, sorry for the many comments on various posts! I just discovered this site earlier in the week and I absolutely love it. Nobody else in our lives knows of our lifestyle, which can be lonely, so it’s really great having this safe space to discuss our relationship with no judgement. My friends and family would not understand, even other Christians. We are already seen as unusual for being married at this age, lol. Anyway, I am very much enjoying making my way through the articles, and they really resonate with me. I have been struggling a bit with my attitude lately (we have a 4 month old baby and I think this is making me tired and unreasonable. I end up questioning my husband’s decisions or talking back to him, both of which are unacceptable, of course). It has been getting me down and it really feels like discovering this site was meant to be. I am browsing with my husband’s permission and he has a look over my comments before posting, so there are no worries about me overstepping the mark in what I say. Thank you so much

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      I am very glad you have found this site, Lauren. I know that even in a short time the structure of having authority and discipline can guide a marriage well, and avoid what are otherwise common problems. That’s one reason why I am so passionate about teaching it and promoting it. I truly wish more couples knew. It avoids what are indeed common pitfalls. I am happy to have your comments here. I hope other readers can benefit from your insights and experience.

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