Why Can’t I Cry?

While a spanking is an intense and humbling experience, which will produce flows of tears from most women, there are some women who find they cannot cry during a spanking. This is naturally frustrating for them. They may be envious of other women who can cry during a spanking, and frequently do not feel fully punished or cleansed by the spanking as a result. They still feel a bit guilty inside. They still feel a bit prideful or hard towards their husband. They know the cleansing power of tears and wish they could experience its wonderful power. This is not an incredibly rare obstacle to face, and women should know they are not the only one facing it. They should also know there are things they can do that will help facilitate the fuller, and more cathartic experience they desire.

Before we get to that, it’s important to remember that even if you are not reaching the fullness of what a punishment can be, or rarely do, that does not mean that punishment is not accomplishing its overall goal. Just because something does not reach its fullest form doesn’t mean it is without value. How many of us love our spouses as much and as passionately as we ought to? Yet we still have good, loving, peaceful homes. How many love God as zealously as we ought to? Yet we still retain faith, love, and obedience to Him. Similarly, a punishment typically is accomplishing what it needs to regardless of tears. It is objectively assuring a wife pays the penalty for her wrong, and cleanses her of her guilt. It is providing a strong deterrent against future wrong behavior. It is returning her to submission, and putting her on the right track with her behavior. The fact a woman does not “feel” so fully cleansed, or as remorseful as she should, does not change that. Discipline is still valuable.

Of course, I’d like to look at some of the things which make crying harder for women when they are spanked. If these obstacles are taken out of the way, I expect it would become easier, though not assured, to cry during a spanking. Several of them are interrelated, relating to the attitude of the mind:

Being Tense: If a woman is tense this can make it harder to release her emotions and cry. The struggles of the day may have her locked up inside, and she may not fully shift into the softer mode of correction, and remorse. The regular work and obstacles of the day may make her numb to her husband’s correction. That’s one reason why a discipline session really needs to establish a different spirit than daily interactions. It should be long enough and serious enough to require a change of mind and attitude. It should be without distractions, and set apart from daily activities. Concerns of the day need to be temporarily left behind. 

Not Accepting Guilt: A woman who has not recognized and accepted her guilt for her actions may be hampered in crying. She may be hardening her heart, and this will inhibit her during the correction. A wife needs to accept both guilt and full responsibility, and this will help her heart to shed tears over her wrong. For it is the guilt and shame which help to bring tears, and not only the pain of the spanking itself. She should know she did wrong, it was serious, and inexcusable. 

Not Expressing Remorse: Often it is the verbal expression of remorse and sorrow which start to allow the tears to flow. A wife should certainly express in some detail, and repeatedly, the sorrow for her wrongs. Pouring out her remorse verbally can easily flow into pouring out tears. That’s one reason that words are so important during a discipline session. They will positively affect her mind and heart as she expresses them. 

Not Being Humbled Enough: The humbling of a discipline session also helps a woman feel the necessary sorrow and shame, and express them with her whole heart. Whether it is the sternness of the lecture, her nudity, and her need to follow instructions during the session itself, she should feel humbled and under the power of her husband. This helps her feel her vulnerability. It helps her let go of her pride. She has nothing of her own, but is simply in his hands. 

The Lack of a Stern Lecture: A husband should know that his lecturing during the session is very important. It should help her see her responsibility and the seriousness of her wrong. These alone will help her learn from the correction, and also to shed tears during it. She needs to see her man’s disappointment in her as well, and the fact he is legitimately upset. The husband need to be unwavering and firm. Just as good preaching can bring a heart to tears over the human condition, and over our own personal sin, a good lecture during correction impresses something deeply on the heart, and awakens it to feel emotions more fully. 

An Analytical Mind: If a woman is very analytical in her mind, or is simply caught up in many mental activities, the release of crying can be harder to accomplish. At the minimum those thoughts are a distraction, and worst they keep her trying to be in control, and never letting go. Much of emotional release is about letting go, so if possible, any mental distractions need to disappear. It will help to be fully drawn into the discipline situation, and to focus the mind on the lesson at hand. However, I realize that’s not so easy for some personalities to accomplish, since the mind keeps working on its own. 

An Insufficient Spanking: Sometimes the reason a woman cannot cry during a spanking is very simple. The spanking just needs to be harder and more thorough. A short spanking, or some mild taps usually don’t do the job. A spanking ought to hurt, and it ought to be long enough that she is wishing it was over. She should not want to experience it again. A spanking which is hard and long has not only intensity on its side, but it often has the woman overwhelmed, wondering if she can handle it, and wondering when it will ever be over. In all of this she can lose control more fully, and that loss of control itself helps with being able to cry. 

One key that helps with most of these obstacles is trust. A wife needs to fully trust in her man. She needs to be fully placing herself in his hands, know he is more than fit to handle her. That trust also amounts to giving up control, which encourages much of what I’ve just spoken about, whether her humbling, her accepting responsibility, or her turning her mind away from the day and onto her husband’s lesson for her. A strong bond of trust, which comes with love and protection, always helps a woman, and is essential for discipline anyway. She is under her husband’s protection, even when he is spanking her. She belongs to him always, and especially when she is baring herself during her correction. That trust will build over time, and nurtures her soul. 

A woman needs a certain ability to let go during a correction if she is going to cry. There simply is no formula for letting go, but I believe working on these areas will help husbands and wives accomplish that goal. Feel free to try other tactics than the ones I have mentioned. They are useful for all, not just the wives who have trouble crying. In some cases, tears may never happen. However, you should not worry, since the correction can serve its purpose without those tears. You will still enjoy the good fruit of discipline in the home. 

NOTE: A big Thank You to whomever posted a link to my website on Facebook.

I want to advise our readers, that even if you are comfortable with others knowing that you believe in spanking, or use spanking in marriage, it is wisest to comment here with an anonymous e-mail account, and not use your real name.


9 responses to “Why Can’t I Cry?”

  1. “There’s no use crying over spilled milk.”

    Having been hurt too much in the past, and accepting that nothing will change the source of pain, is possibly the A#1 reason for not being able to cry.

    Crying can be a sign of hope for improvement. Or perhaps a pause that allows the heart to listen.

  2. I didn’t cry at first for a lot of reasons. I think I was stubborn, kind of not accepting guilt as you say. Letting the discipline happen but part of me still feeling I was right and a little resentful of him spanking me.

    He recognized that eventually, seeing how I wasn’t responding to it properly or his lecture

    I know it might sound bad but he realized that he made it his mission to break me. Became a lot more strict, spankings more frequent, harder and longer.

    When I finally broke and cried the emotions were so powerful, I felt so changed and forgiven afterwards. I love that feeling now of being unburdened from my sins in that way, to feel kind of innocent after

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Thank you for sharing that wonderful experience, Emily. Sometimes that is what it takes to push a lady beyond her resistance. Then you are, as you say, unburdened from that guilt. You are free to experience the fuller healing that chastisement can bring. Your husband is wise in taking you there.

      1. Thank you.

        He is very wise yes. I did give him a lot of trouble at first but he knew I needed it and didn’t relent or back down.

        I think I needed that symbol of his physical domination before the spankings could truly start working on me mentally. Once they did though its incredible how effective it is

  3. Wondering Avatar

    Just wondering if this makes sense… I always cried like 5 minutes after I did something wrong. I felt bad and already determined I didn’t want to do that again. But if I had to wait for a few days or a week or whatever, before I got spanked, I guess mentally, I was already passed it, so I didn’t cry during the spanking. I guess I always felt like it was more for him as “payback” than anything for me. It’s like any sin I guess… If you repent and are forgiven by the Most High, He forgets it. So if He does, I guess I do. I don’t know if that makes sense.

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Hello Wondering, It is valuable to cry over the offense, even if it is not during the spanking. It could be before or after. Our wrongs ought to inspire sincere remorse, and tears are one good sign of that. Punishment is still given ordinarily, since there is a price to pay for a wrong, and the correction is a reminder into the future.

  4. I am one of those women who can rarely ever cry. On a day-to-day basis, I’m full of joy and exhibit a cheerful countenance. I feel deep emotions, but am rarely able to express them. When it comes to crying, I can cry for about 10 seconds, and then it stops.

    This has been a source of so much frustration. I’ve questioned my heart, my motivations, my very femininity. I have often felt like less than a woman.

    However, I grew up in a turbulent home. My father had bouts of extreme anger. My mother had a lot of emotional exuberance— bordering on the histrionic. As a result, I began to retreat within myself. I had to walk on eggshells, play peacemaker, and I detested using tears as a tool of manipulation. Over the years, and the trials of life experience like abuse, miscarriage, and other experiences that turned my life upside down and inside out, I seem to have developed a detachment of sorts, or a survival mode.

    For years, I wondered if my heart were too hard. Yet feel deep sorrow when I do wrong. My heart is soft when I’m being corrected, verbally or otherwise. I have no trouble accepting my guilt or expressing contrition. Humility is a beautiful thing to me. And I have a true desire to change! I simply find difficulty in expressing those things through the watery tears my soul would love to pour out.

    I used to wonder if I were too broken. Perhaps I am. I’ve wondered if I were less than a woman due to this failure, because I see so many other women around me able to achieve what seems to come so naturally to other members of my sex. All other reasons laid out in this article aside, sometimes the illusive tears are simply that, and they are outside of our control.

    The only times I am able to cry seem to be either when I’m berating myself inwardly, which isn’t a good thing, or sometimes at church, when I sense the overwhelming presence of the Lord, who sees me.

    Whether this is the result of learned behavior, which may dissipate with time, vulnerability, and trust, or a “thorn in the flesh” to simply accept and surrender to Him, I have learned to work on the things I can change and cultivate.

    To all of the women out there who are able to cry freely, it is a beautiful thing! I pray you can know how very blessed you are. And to those who, like me, who are soft and feminine and still struggle with tears, know you’re not alone. I pray my story can be an encouragement to you.

    We can all grow in grace and in holiness, regardless, and discipline is still effective even when, despite our best efforts, the tears do not come as one would wish. Whoever you are, I am praying for you!

    1. aronhusband Avatar

      Thank you for your comments about crying, Josie. That offers some helpful insights and there are likely other ladies who experience difficulties for the same reasons. I am very happy the Lord has brought you through so many difficulties in your life.

  5. In my marriage, crying is an important part of my discipline, and luckily, not something that has ever been difficult for me under my husband’s hand. He is a stern lecturer, and provides enough force for enough time for his lesson to take hold. My tears are a release valve that allow my built up tension and resistance to come pouring out of me, and they serve as a signal to my husband that I am well and truly punished.

    If you are a woman who struggles to cry, the tears may not be as important as letting go of your anger and the ways in which you’ve challenged your husbands authority. I would encourage you to find other ways to show him that you’ve softened and been humbled by him.

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