A woman’s submission is intimately connected to her respect for her husband. The two go hand in hand, yet if anything it is her submission which flows from her respect. A healthy respect will deepen submission, but it is respect which is more primary. What does it mean for her to respect her man? How can she express this to him, beyond simple obedience? What about maintaining respect, despite her man’s flaws and failings? We should have a good grasp on this subject to understand what it is and how it functions. There can be no meaningful marriage without respect.
Firstly, what does it mean to respect her husband? Of course this does not mean the ordinary friendly respect we show all people, which is spread thin for all mankind. That is the respect due simply to human dignity. The respect of a wife towards her husband is of a different order, although it contains respect for his humanity as well. Her respect is one of looking up to an authority. Her husband is her lord, something she took on when she got married, so she shows him respect due to the authority over her. It is respect for position. In this case, it should be an especially high form, because of how intimate the relationship is, and because she is to submit to him in all things, and not in some things, as would be the case with a boss, or even a government. She looks to him as her power and protection. As a result, a wife looks up to her husband, she honors him regularly, she follows him, and she is devoted to him.
We can similarly speak of respect in terms of particular respect for a person’s character. While the respect of a wife towards her husband is rooted in his position, and not in his excellent character, it is still positive if this form of respect takes place in marriage. In fact, it should. While every husband will have flaws and failings, a wife should always look to his good side, appreciate all the good he does, admire his positive qualities, and should do so without harping on his failings. She married him and he is the only man to lead her. It will make for a much better marriage, and much more appropriate view of her husband, if she takes heart and encouragement at his good traits, and shows him respect for them uniquely. She should be grateful he has them. In a rare case, a woman really may marry a man who is very wicked, and has terrible character on many fronts. However, as his wife, she still needs to respect the position, honoring her husband because he is her husband, even if she can find little to respect in his behavior. Even the worst of men has virtues, and every man is made in the image of God. The rooting of respect due to a husband’s position will help guide the other forms of respect, and help her to show them to her man.
A respect for her husband will fuel much of her attitude and behavior towards him. Since she views him as her superior, submission will easily flow from that respect, and she will submit to him without conflict. She will show him daily that she respects him, which could mean with words or with rituals. She may do special things to please him. She will be extra diligent in her work, knowing it honors him to better the household, and shames him if she does poorly. She will express remorse if she has done wrong before him, and desire to fix it. She will express gratitude for his work. In some homes a wife calls her husband ‘sir’ out of respect, or uses a similar title. This is a regular reminder to her of how to see him.
Respect will also express itself by the things a wife does not do. A wife abstains from any disrespect, such as yelling or arguing. She will never insult or belittle her husband. Nor does she keep resentful or angry thoughts about him on her heart, hating him privately. She does not disrespect him by refraining from doing what she owes him, or refraining from doing what he likes. She puts any of that aside to look to him as her king, and to think of him with appreciation. Her attitude is humility, and not pride. She does not seek to control her husband, but thinks of what she can do for him.
Respect is a daily thing, just as love is. A wife should show her respect to her husband regularly, and if this wanes, over time problems will appear between them. She needs to check her heart to see if she is looking to her man as her lord, and is humble before him. If she has puffed herself up, she should be quick to apologize and accept any correction he gives her. This is part of the backbone of marriage, and is just as crucial as other parts of the union. Any husband in the world should come home knowing that he comes to a wife who respects and obeys him, who will bring peace to the home, and who will make his life pleasant. No man should come home to disrespect.
Respect also affects how a wife receives her husband’s instructions and correction. She does so willingly, seeking to learn from them. She makes a point to remember what he wants done. When he needs to correct her, either verbally or through discipline, she does not challenge the correction, but sets her heart on learning the lesson. She does not argue. She recognizes that it is her husband’s right to tell her what needs to be done, and to punish her for doing wrong. To reject this would be complete rebellion. She is grateful to her husband for putting any problems into the past when he needs to punish her.
We can also look at what respect for a husband means biblically, and gain more insight. One thing that should stand out is the plain teaching, “Let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). Other translations write it, “reverence her husband.” We need to recognize that this word translated as respect, is more commonly and more literally translated as “fear.” This is the Greek word from which we get our word “phobia.” In the New Testament it is used over and over to refer to literal fear, such as a great and imminent danger, and can also be used for a deep sense of wonder, as well as for the “fear of God.” It is a strange exception that translators of this verse use words like “respect” or “reverence” instead of “fear.” A normal and literal translation would say, “Let the wife see that she fears her husband.”
According to the normal meaning, we can see this teaching from Ephesians is teaching a similar concept to the fear of God. They use the exact same word. That does not mean it should be normal for a wife to literally be afraid all of the time. It does mean that she should have the high sense of respect for him on her heart, the same sense of respect that drives us to want to kneel before a power and humble ourselves. She should want to do so for her husband as well. On another level, there definitely IS a reason to have literal fear in the case she has done wrong. If she has done evil, of course there is reason to be afraid, since her husband is in the position to punish her. Naturally, she can also express remorse, and ask for mercy, but there are situations in which literal fear is the appropriate understanding, just as it is with God.
Adam did not have the proper respect for God, and when he sinned, he hid and he was afraid. That was a fear of punishment, coupled with a sense of guilt and shame. When Elohim approaches Adam after his sin, Adam is hiding, and he says “I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself” (Genesis 3:10). The Hebrew for “afraid” is yare, a word with a similar range of meaning as the Greek word for fear, including literal fear, awe, and a high sense of reverence. The Greek Septuagint translates this as phobeo, the same word for wives fearing husbands in Ephesians 5. Adam’s sense of respect for God comes together with a sense of literal fear when he does wrong, which is certainly when that deep respect has waned. Women likewise should fear their husbands when they have done wrong, but daily should simply pay them honor and due devotion. Their faithfulness and honor will be cherished, and they are central to any marriage.
There are many expressions of respect, both personally and culturally. I am sure wives have different methods of showing respect depending on those preferences or the culture she is from. What is important is that she has it on her heart. She acts on it. She holds her husband in the highest regard, and she speaks to him and acts towards him with the knowledge that he is her lord. He has no doubt about it, and sees it regularly, and knows the joy of having a willing subject. The greatest expression of respect is her heartfelt obedience, which is immediate and natural for her. It cannot be separated from obedience. It cannot be separated from love. Once a wife truly fears her husband, she will find that obedience and open expressions of respect come more naturally to her, because her heart is in the right place. A wife’s high respect for her husband strengthens their marriage, just as failing in respect harms it. It should be a source of satisfaction for her knowing he is her loving king.
NOTE: I’d be interested in hearing from readers what signs of respect women show to their husbands. That includes our readers from across the globe.
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