What Men Need to Learn

This essay isn’t about what men need to learn about spanking. It’s really about what men need to learn about their leadership in the home, so they can later see how spanking falls into place. I write it especially because of the number of women who have tried to tell their husbands they need that form of discipline, only for their husbands to show little interest, or think it’s weird. One thing I believe will help husbands to understand — and at least give it a try — is to understand authority and leadership first. Spanking does not exist alone. It is merely a tool within a marriage. A tool for the leader to use.

Many husbands who hear about spanking from their wives, wonder why their wives need to be spanked. It seems to them like a game, and perhaps they don’t see the need for correcting their wives in the first place. What did they really do wrong? And can’t we just talk? They might also view it as little more than a sex game, since sometimes the culture portrays it that way. They figure — why play a game I’m not interested when I know I can just have sex anyway? Then they might give it a try or two just to please their wives or see how it works. Then they’re done with it. Their mind never grasped what their wives were trying to get across. Why smack someone’s butt with a rod?

One thing I really want husbands to see first — before they even try to wrap their heads around spanking — is their own real authority. I want them to see they have true authority in the home that God gave them, just like any other. As authority they lead the home for a good purpose and care for the good and betterment of the people under them. As authority they also have right to make the rules of the home, set the standards, and give commands that must be obeyed. In this culture that talk sounds strange when its spoken about a husband. But it’s true of any who holds a headship position. Governments. Employers. Parents. Husbands. They are leaders, and they command those under them.

That can be hard for some husbands to grasp themselves. That’s either because they’ve been absorbing the attitudes of a culture than denies male headship, or they’ve been sitting in compromised churches that water down headship in the home so much you’d have no idea the man had true authority. Ministers have made headship such a vague head-scratcher I can understand how people who have looked to them for truth would be confused. But headship is not a head-scratcher. The man’s headship is the same as any other, and biblically is paralleled with the headship of Christ and of God. He’s got real authority and can wield it.

Once a man sees this clearly, and accepts it, he also needs to start putting it into practice. As I’ve said, he will start setting rules and standards of the home. Naturally, some of those will apply directly to his beloved wife, others will apply to her indirectly. A man who recognizes he has a formal position of authority, will also know he can and at times must give commands. He must lead his people. He must command his wife in what she needs to do, either for him or for the whole household. He may start slowly and simply at first, but he will take command of his home, and start to put things into order. Including the woman of his life.

I firmly believe that once a man is walking forward in this way, he will at least see better how discipline fits in. He may not necessarily think he needs to use spanking as discipline, but he will see discipline as part of the picture. He is responsible ultimately for his wife’s behavior. He is responsible for her behavior toward him, and for her valuable work in the household, and even her public behavior. The buck stops with him. A responsible man will also see, like any authority, if his woman is failing in her duties, or rebelling against him, there is legitimate calling for discipline. She needs to be told clearly what her wrong is, and if it is serious and repeated, she should be disciplined to correct her. That correction should be serious enough that she fears it and does not want to undergo it again, and that she also desires quickly to do things the right way in the future. It should punish her, and also lean her heart back in the right direction. She should want to avoid it in the future.

Understanding his role, and living life from this vista, will make spanking a lot less of a mystery to a husband. He will not be responding according to the culture’s view, or according to his own unfamiliar view. He will see it in sharper focus, and then be able to make a more informed decision. Does that mean he will choose to spank his wife to correct her? Not necessarily. But he is more likely to give it real consideration, and perhaps to take it up. If he takes it up, he will have a grasp of where it fits in already, and an idea of how to use it. He will make a good spanking husband. He understands his authority. He understands the good purpose of that authority. He seeks to better his wife with the discipline. Most husbands who reject spanking really need to understand authority first, and then live and apply it consistently.

To tell you a little story, when I was introduced to spanking by a woman many years ago, I wasn’t that different. I certainly saw an attraction in it, and a vague sense of some wrongs needing to be punished, but I took it up in a very uninformed way. I was happy to give my girlfriend (what this culture calls a partner in sinful fornication) spankings, but I had little clue of how to really lead the relationship. I found spanking her sexually exciting. In bed I was sexually dominant. I liked the idea of spanking her when she deserved it too. However, I did very little to lead the relationship, to set rules, or to be consistent with correction. It was just a practice that really fit in nowhere. I can tell you for a fact she was unsatisfied with this half-hearted spanking. I know she ached for me to truly lead and set rules for her. While she certainly like that I punished her sometimes, she never got what she really desired, which was a true leader, and only secondarily a spanking. I know if I had grasped leadership first that never would have happened. Between being rather soft, overly affected by cultural attitudes, and needy of a woman, my mind was just too foggy to get it.

I don’t want that to happen to other men. I also don’t want women to have to be frustrated by their husbands refusal to spank. I want men to be able to see clearly where I was unable to. The key is in knowing that you are the head because you are the man. Embrace that, live it, and take charge of your wife and your home. In that context, spanking your wife will not seem strange at all. Nor will it seem like a kinky sex game, even if it is tantalizing. It is simply a tool in your hand when you need to correct your misbehaving wife. It’s a hard tool. Harder than a simple discussion. But it will often be more effective than others that you wield, in softening her and bringing her her back into line. That is some of what your wife would like you to grasp when she tells you she sometimes needs to be spanked. She needs your leadership every day. And your hand.