The Number One Thing I Hear from Readers

I regularly have conversations with readers who are interested in having discipline in their marriages, or who already have it. I work with some of their problems, and do my best to help guide them to overcome any obstacles. I help prepare them for marriage in the future. I hear their complaints and suggestions. However, there is one issue that stands out among all I hear as one of the greatest, and definitely the most common complaint. It is this: I wish my husband would lead more! This is the continual and legitimate complaint by wives, and by engaged women, about their husband. He is too soft with them, and does not lead clearly enough. He rarely tells them what to do. Either he does not want to discipline, or discipline is infrequent or light. It’s just weakness overall they experience from their men, and they desire something different. They want a man who will lead clearly, and give firm consequences when they step out of line.

Men should take note. The average man in western society is worried about the opposite. He’s afraid of being too “domineering.” He has associated telling a woman what to do or correcting her behavior with “abuse” or “toxic masculinity.” Even if he is Christian, his church may have perverted him into thinking that to set rules in the household and to hold his wife accountable is prideful, and basic tyranny. He’s been told to lead from the back, and not the front. He’s seen a husband’s leadership reinvented as: what can I do for you dear? For this reason he is neurotically afraid of being a bloody Nazi if he wields command, and will find himself unable to do his job well when it comes to governing her. The problem usually is not that a man is too much of a tyrant, but that a man is too soft and weak, and afraid to lead. We need more men who will lead, and the women want it too.

One of the problems women have when they get weak leadership, or even apathy, from their husbands, is that they do not know what he expects. They are confused about what the rules are. They don’t know what he wants or how to please him. They also find they linger in some of their poor habits, which they know are wrong, and they wish their husbands were there to help end their bad behavior. Many women who have attitudes, and who disrespect their husbands, privately wish their husbands would step in and punish them. They know that attitude is wrong. They don’t like that feeling of conflict, and anger, and pride that rises up in them. They’d long for a fatherly, corrective word, and a hard spanking over the knee, knowing it is far superior to the demon they sometimes feel inside of them. They breathe cool relief at the peace a spanking can bring. Women also tend to feel less feminine when their husbands will not lead. They do not get to experience as much of his strength, his boldness, that aggressive end of his nature which not only is alluring, but makes them feel richly feminine. There is blossoming in the soul of a woman when her man takes charge, both of the situation, and of her. She can act fully womanly, and be more at peace, both loving her own softness, and the stable protection her man brings. She doesn’t need to take on the stress of acting like a man herself. She gets to be fully woman. 

Telling someone what to do is not prideful, gentleman. Punishing them is neither cruel nor sadistic. Leading those whom God has put under you with good rules, and with discipline when necessary, is simply normative of leadership, and it makes no one a bad person. It means they are doing their job well. It is an ordinary, humble pursuit, built out of the position they hold, and not out of pride. Its goals are for the good, and not merely for self-pleasure. Men need to stop being hesitant in playing the full role, the broad and deep role, of leadership in marriage. They need to stop being hesitant of giving their wives firm correction when it’s called for, either correcting them with words, or with a punishment. They do their wives a disservice when they let poor behavior go. They make it harder for her to grow as a woman and to do her job.  A man needs to be able to correct his wife calmly and firmly when objective criteria show she needs it. Anything less is not being a responsible husband.

It needs to be remembered here, that often a soft punishment does not do the job. When a man is disciplining his wife, a punishment should be undesirable, and something she does not wish to repeat again. I realize there may be a few women who can learn from a mild spanking, but I believe the large majority need a harder chastisement than this. Part of what women complain about in their husbands being soft, is that punishment is soft. It’s not harsh enough to make them feel punished, or cleansed, or at peace. It’s not something that would deter them from doing the same thing in the future. They may backtalk their husbands the next day, because the punishment never humbled or deterred them. While I’ve written at length on this topic several times before, I should note now that in general a spanking ought to be hard and long. It should leave the wife wishing it would be over every second. It should leave her considering deeply her choice of actions, and thinking how much better it would have been if she’d just chosen differently. She should be ashamed at her poor choice, and never want to do it again. She will imagine herself handling the matter differently. A spanking that is hard enough will do all these things and more. It will also allow a husband to clearly guide his wife with words far better in the future, as she knows his words come with strength behind them. She knows if she dismisses his words, she’ll end up spanked. This makes a man guiding his wife, and a wife following her husband in the future much easier. She has to be spanked thoroughly enough to really punish her, and cleanse her, and establish her in a mindset of obedience. She will hate her poor behavior, and not want to do it again.

At the heart of a woman wanting firmer discipline is a desire for the husband’s strength and presence. Men need to be over their wives and aware of what is going on with them. They need to be their overseer. Giving the occasional punishment, even if it is hard enough, does not fill the need. To man up, so to speak, husbands have to take responsibility for their wives, set good rules for them, be giving them verbal guidance and correction on a regular basis. This shows to a woman her man cares for her, is watching out for her, knows her deeply, and that she can count on him to steer her. The ship does not want a captain who is half asleep. This regular examination and steering over time helps a husband best know when to use discipline. He will know better when his wife is stepping out of line, and what she needs to bring her back in line. He will best see when she will benefit from a spanking, and how to administer that punishment. He may also learn in turn when it is not needed, and when a simple few words will take care of a matter. Either way, he must be there for his wife as her lord to guide her. He cannot accomplish this while being soft or very laid back. Do not underestimate the value of clear rules, a stern lecture, and a hard spanking. 

I encourage men to do this for themselves. Also, do it for the sake of your women. You need it as a part of being an effective leader, and they need it to follow you more fully. They need it to get past the obstacles in submission to you, and in growth as a virtuous woman. There are obstacles to get past for the husband as well. He needs to become more responsible himself, to make time for discipline, to set rules and make sure she follows them. He needs to overcome any hesitancy to spank, or to make his wife cry. He needs to realize that most of what he’s heard about the husband’s role from society, and in part form the churches, is a great distortion of the truth. His goodness, love, meekness, and humility as a man are fully a part of his leadership role. Having authority and correcting people doesn’t make them go away. He is a good person when he uses his authority to rule his household.