Common Questions about DD Answered

How do You Introduce discipline to Marriage? It will always require talking about it. Exactly how you go about that varies depending on whether the man or the woman introduces it. A couple should sit down and establish their roles, which are the man’s authority, and the woman’s submission to him, and commit themselves to living them out. They should discuss discipline in some detail as well. That’s not easy for most people to bring up, but they must. They both should agree to the corrections system, and the man should let his wife know what his rules are, and what he expects of her. Reading good articles on discipline may help them both. Then be persistent and live it continually. Remember, it’s at heart much more about the authority and submission than anything else. If you are embracing that, then discipline will fall easily into place.   

How hard should I spank?  It should be hard enough to hurt and to make the lady wish it were over. I find I do not use all of my strength when I spank, and in fact that would be dangerous. With time and adjustment, you can deliver a spanking which is solid and painful without being too hard or too soft. In most instances women I’ve spoken to complain their husbands don’t spank hard enough. Something to keep in mind. Remember, a spanking should be a deterrent well into the future, and she should not want to repeat it. 

How long should I spank? I do not count strokes when I spank, but some men do. I simply advise to make sure any spanking is thorough. That will usually mean it brings her to tears, and you spank her well past tears. It is long enough to give her a thorough lecture about her behavior, while spanking during most of it. Many of my spankings, even with instruments, are over fifty strokes. 

How do I learn to submit? To submit you should fully embrace your husband’s authority, and start looking to him as your king. You need to be humble. You should do as he says quickly, and without complaint or argument. Your speech should be soft, reverential, and loving. If you do wrong, apologize sincerely and assure him you will do better. Make it a normal practice to ask your husband for permission, and do not refuse him what he wants. Do not argue.  Regular submission to him in the marriage bed will help you submit the rest of your time, and you should learn to give your body to him completely. Get accustomed to kneeling before him.

How should I speak to my husband to show respect? Always say yes to him. You can address him as sir, if he accepts that language. Do not raise your voice, be condescending, sarcastic, or in any way insulting to him. Tell him how much you appreciate what he does regularly. Always be ready to ask if you can help him in any way. The attitude of respect should be in your heart as you look to him as your king.  

How do I learn to lead my wife? Know that leadership is your job, and not something you came up with through your personality or preferences. It is your position as a man in marriage and cannot be ignored. Start establishing rules for your wife, and have some tasks for her to do regularly. Hold her accountable for her behavior. That could mean anything from giving her verbal guidance, verbal correction, and a punishment. Learn to tell her what to do in clear language. Practice regular oversight to make sure she is doing what she has to do in all areas of life, and that she is virtuous, with a lifestyle and appearance that reflects good character. Make sure she is submitting sexually, so that she does as you say in bed without resistance.

How do I learn to tell my wife what to do? Just speak to her in the imperative. That is what you use to give commands. You can also use forms like “you need to” or “I need you to” to express the same thing, along with “have to” and “must.” Then you hold her accountable for those things.    

Isn’t this just BDSM? Marital discipline has been practiced for thousands of years across the globe. BDSM is a modern practice which incorporates some of that, and does so in a rather theatrical way, often apart from marriage. They may share similarities in the fact that they involve authority and discipline, but they are not the same. It is they who imitate us, out of an inner need they feel, and not the other way around. God gave us authority and submission in marriage through husband and wife, just as He gave us rightful authorities elsewhere in society. It is a part of the natural order. 

Is spanking just a bedroom thing? No, it is a discipline thing. The goals are to correct bad behavior, and it accomplishes that goal very well through an undesirable punishment and a verbal correction. Some couples incorporate sexual activity afterward, but that is optional, and is secondary to the goal of correcting the offender. A husband’s leadership and a wife’s submission to him, alongside discipline for offenses, could hardly be seen as a “bedroom thing” when you really think about it. It’s a marriage thing. 

Does spanking really work? Yes. In my experience it is very effective. Spanking helps a wife to learn and to deepen her submission, and it puts bad behavior in the past. I and many others would testify to our wives’ better behavior. A spanked woman becomes much gentler and peaceful at heart, leading to much peace and harmony in the marriage. She experiences how deeply she belongs to her man. Fights become almost unheard of. Spanking is also fairly practical and doesn’t take a long time. Anyone can learn to do it. 

Why do you think the man should be in charge? The man is in charge in marriage because God made him the head of the home, and also because he is designed in his nature to lead. 

I’m afraid of hurting my wife. How can I spank her hard? A spanking is supposed to hurt. That is how it accomplishes its goal. It is natural to feel sympathy for your wife and the pain she may feel while being spanked, but you should not be moved by that sympathy to refrain from punishing her. A spanking will not injure her, unless it is truly out of control. It will only hurt, and that pain is for a good reason — it teaches her a lesson. You need to think of the good that you are doing for your wife by correcting her, and think of the seriousness of the wrong. If you do that, you will recognize that her tears or cries are a good thing, and in the long run will help her to learn. By spanking her you are fulfilling a responsibility. 

What if my wife can’t hold still? I believe that any woman can hold still during her spanking. She just needs some self-control and motivation. She ought to do it out of respect for you, and as an expression of her submission. If she has trouble, you need to instruct her, and also let her know that too much moving around will get her extra swats. However, in the long run, if you find your wife cannot hold still for punishment, there’s nothing wrong with using restrains to hold her down.  

What kind of rules should I have? Most rules are common sense ones. Your wife needs to be obedient to you, honest, and respectful. She needs to get her work done, both her regular duties, and any other tasks you have given her. She should not do anything dangerous, either to herself or the children, and she needs to respect the rules you have made for the home as well. I have some basic standards of punctuality for my wife, as well as standards of dress, and she seeks to meet them all.  Remember, the goal of rules is to improve her, protect her, and maintain a good running of the home. 

Should I use a boot camp? I have never used a bootcamp to train my wife, and I think most couples can do without it, but boot camps do come endorsed by those who have tried them. They are intensive periods of training in submission for the wife, and in leadership for the husband. They may include regular spankings and various forms of submission by the wife over a couple of days. A couple may find they have fewer obstacles and greater harmony in their marriage after a focused boot camp. 

Even if you do not use a boot camp, the idea of a training period can be useful to you, in order to smooth out any of the rough edges. If you can find a time at home to have your wife work intensively on submission, this can be positive for her growth. That may be a period of time she spends undressed and serving you, in which she is always sexually ready, and during which you may spank her as you desire. Even a couple of hours can be a helpful training. 

Is spanking ever given in front of others? I do not recommend it. I believe spanking ought to be between husband and wife. It is a very intimate experience, and it requires great trust. If my wife has directly wronged another person, I will have her apologize for her behavior, but I will punish her in private. In some other cultures, where families are closer, sometimes a wife is punished in front of her in-laws, or an in-law will actually deliver the punishment. However, very few in our own culture would live that way.  

Where is this supported by the Bible? It is supported by the Bible because the Bible explicitly teaches that the man is the head of his wife. Providing discipline is a part of the nature of authority, so a man has that right and responsibility. Spanking as a form of punishment is clearly endorsed in the Bible as well. God himself chastises His chosen people, both in the Old Testament and the New. Punishment is clearly an expression of love.  

Is spanking dangerous? If done in a reasonable and safe way, there is extremely low chance that spanking will lead to any serious injury. A mild spanking will leave the bottom pink, and a harder one can leave some bruises or welts. Those are things which will all fade away easily. 

Where on the body do you spank? The best place to spank is on the bottom. It is soft and padded. You can get away with a few strokes on the back of the thighs, but it should be with lesser force, since there is little padding there. I do not advise spanking anywhere else on the body, although some couples do so. 

What are some other punishments I can give besides spanking? Common marital punishments besides spanking can include many things. That may be withholding privileges, it may be writing lines or writing an essay, it may be standing in the corner, it may be having to do extra work. There are other forms of corporal punishment used as well, such as capsaicin cream (which I’ve been told is quite painful), stress positions, and kneeling on rice. I find that giving a spanking is the best form of punishment. 

How do you do it quietly, when there are children in the house? If there are children in the house, you have several options. Number one, you could always send the children out of the house, if there is a reasonable option to do so. You can also manage to be as silent as you can, even if it is not perfectly silent. For example, the loopy is a fairly quiet instrument, as are the riding crop and the cane. If a wife tends to cry out, you can use a gag to muffle her cries. In general, it is best to be quiet if the children are in the house, but in the long run they will most likely learn. 

Can sex be mixed with a punishment spanking? I don’t advise it. The spanking should be about correction, and it should hurt. Sex during the spanking would blend two very different experiences, and could also be a distraction from the point of the correction. However, it is common to have sex after a punishment. That is because the husband usually desires it, and it is a good way for a wife to show that she will be good and serve her husband better in the future. Some couples find sex afterward to be an excellent reconnect.  

Can sex be used as a punishment? I do not advise it either. Some couples use anal sex as a form of punishment, but I do not, and I would warn that it is a fairly dangerous practice. In BDSM there are exotic sexual punishments of all kinds, but I find this takes punishment out of the normal realm and becomes extreme. A marital spanking exists in the context of marital love, it and has similarities with fatherly spankings and school spankings.  

What happens during a usual spanking? A normal spanking starts with a lecture about why the spanking is being given, and with the wife expressing she understands her wrong. Then she gets in position, and the spanking is given, often with more lecturing. After the spanking there may be a time for cooling down and for reflecting when she needs to stand in the corner. The session finishes with a restoration, in which she assures her husband of her better behavior, and in which he reiterates the lesson she needs to learn, and expresses his love and trust in her. Many couples follow this with intimacy.

How the undressing is done varies quite a bit depending on what the husband desires. He may have his wife undress partially or completely before he gives her a lecture and starts the spanking. He may also wait until after the lecture, and either bare her bottom himself at that time, or have her bare it. I almost always have my wife prepare before the session by undressing, and then waiting for me on her knees. Occasionally I will have her wait in a chair.  

Do you believe in maintenance spanking? I do not believe spankings should be given as a matter of course continually. However, I believe there are instances when maintenance could be useful temporarily, such as if a wife obviously needs training in submission, or if she is slipping in some areas repeatedly. It’s really up to the judgment of the husband. I’ve heard from couples that have used maintenance spankings ongoing for years, and they find it works for them, since it helps the wife to keep on point, and not get into trouble and earn a punishment spanking. 

What are some good instruments for spanking? There are many, and a husband may choose based on personal preference, the amount of noise an instrument makes, and the severity of the instrument. Some are store bought, and others are household items. I’d say the most common instruments for spanking in marriage are the belt, strap, paddle, loopy johnny, and bare hand. Others include the cane, riding crop, bathbrush, rope, blinds rod, and wooden spoon. The list could go on.

Can you recommend any online sources for domestic discipline? I used to follow a number of websites, but I only visit them occasionally today. Most resources online are not Christian. At my first website, I shared a mutual link to Christiandomesticdisciplinelife, but since starting my new website, we don’t share that link anymore. I used to check up on Bonnie at Bottomsmarts from time to time, and when she had her long list of DD sites, my link was on there. She has at least temporarily stopped posting. 

There are a variety of DD Yahoo groups which may be good, as well as websites with forums on them, and DD dating sites. Recently, I have found the Youtube channel TheDisciplinedLife to be consistently good, which offers conversations with a congenial husband and wife on a wide variety of topics. I can’t name too many names, and it would be hard for me to speak of a website’s quality. A few of the readers here have started their own spanking websites too, but not all have lasted. 

I would be wary of online resources, as many do not reflect good values, or they are heavily BDSM-leaning. Some of the personal DD blogs, while having some value, basically devolve into generalized marriage blogs over time. A portion of the patriarchy crowd who spank will unfortunately also endorse polygamy. 

Do you know how to meet a mate who believes in spanking? It’s not an easy topic to bring up for most of us. There are a number of specific websites for spanking relationships, which might also be an opportunity to marry. They may in fact work. I only recommend the normal route: Look for someone who has traditional beliefs, a man who will take charge, or a woman who believes in submitting to her husband. Then as you discuss a future in marriage, bring up the topic of discipline in any number of ways. You will find at least some of the time that the person is more than willing, even if they need time to think about it. Of course, there are people who do not appear to be traditional at all, who are also enthusiastic about spanking.

Does a wife need to obey her husband in everything? Yes, she needs to obey her husband in everything, unless he demands she do what is evil.    

Does a wife need to obey her husband in the bedroom? Yes she does. A wife obeys her husband in all things, and sex is a part of “all things.” She is at his service in the bedroom.

NEW BLOG: One of our readers Lisa has started her own spanking blog to detail her journey in being led and disciplined by her husband. You can find her work right here: https://lisaspanking.blogspot.com/